by Ashley Hall
Despite myself, I wanted to comfort him, but I didn’t. I held back.
“The house wasn’t clear,” he said after a minute. “I was attacked and nearly died. Golovkin and his men thought I was dead. I survived. I grew up—”
“Hating him and wanting your revenge,” I guessed.
“Yes,” he admitted, drawing out the word, “but I didn’t seek him out. I didn’t make a move against him until he returned to my city.”
“That’s when you felt threatened. That’s when you decided you needed an heir.”
“I worked too hard to rebuild everything Golovkin destroyed after killing my family. I didn’t want the legacy to go to ruins. I wanted to keep the Kovalsky mob going.”
“The fighting, the gambling…the killing…” I shook my head. “I can’t accept that. Not for me. Not for… You shouldn’t want that.” It was his life. He had fought for this, for his mob. His legacy. That was all he had wanted for himself and for his heir. There was no way I could convince him otherwise. Maybe it wasn’t fair to ask this of him.
Screw that. Yes, it was. Considering I had been kidnapped. Considering I had been threatened with torture. Considering that I almost lost the baby because of malnutrition and extreme stress.
If he wanted this baby, if he wanted me in his life, he had to change. If he refused, if he wouldn’t, I would walk away. This experience had taught me a lot about myself. For so long, I had put others first, and while that was a good thing, I also needed to take care of myself too. I needed to find a job, one that I could be proud of. I needed to find my purpose in life. I was more than just a uterus. I was a person, and damn it, I was going to provide for my loved ones, and I would provide for myself.
I still loved Ivan. I still wanted him. But I didn’t need to have him in my life. I would be able to move on. I wouldn’t want to, and my life would be missing something amazing, but I had to do what was best for the baby and me.
Ivan had been quiet for so long that I didn’t know if he heard me.
“Ivan—”
“I understand,” he said quietly. “I see where you’re coming from. I swear, I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted you to be in danger. Fuck.” He grabbed his hair and pulled. “You know, I never…I never…” He got up and started to pace. “I don’t know,” he muttered. “I just don’t know.”
I rubbed my belly. One day soon, I would feel the baby move, and I couldn’t wait for that. I couldn’t wait for the baby to be born. For me to hug and hold him or her. For my heart to grow.
It wouldn’t be far for me to keep the baby from Ivan. He already loved the baby as much as I did. But I couldn’t in good conscience allow him to raise the baby in the mob lifestyle.
Suddenly, Ivan halted, his back to me. He whirled around, his face curiously blank. “Are you asking me to give up everything? To turn my back on my men? They fought to save you. They fought to defend our family. You can’t just walk away from the mob—”
“What is the mob? What is it that makes it impossible for you to walk away?” I gripped the hospital blanket. It was so thin that it felt like paper.
“It’s my family.”
“You could have a new family,” I said quietly. “Maybe.”
He exhaled loudly. “Rachel…”
A part of me broke at hearing my name on his lips, uttered in such a somber tone.
“He isn’t your only enemy, is he?” I pointed out. “That’s the nature of mobs—illegal activity and fighting and rivals and warring. It’s not going to end. Even if Golovkin stays in jail until he dies.”
He pursed his lips. “Yes,” he said slowly. “I do have other enemies.”
“Always going to be like this, then. How can you live like this? Looking over your shoulder the entire time?”
“It’s the nature of the beast.”
“Then kill the beast,” I snapped. I could feel my blood pressure rise, and I took a few deep breaths. “Do you even see my point of view?”
Ivan came forward and sat on the foot of my bed. “I do. I understand completely. You’re worried about being taken again. You’re worried about your future. You’re—”
“I’m always worried about the baby and his or her future.”
His jaw tightened.
“And your future too.” I held out my hand.
He grabbed it and squeezed. “I can’t just leave. My whole life has been about the mob. Even when I was in hiding, I never forgot my roots.”
My heart sunk. I knew he wouldn’t leave. It was a part of him.
“I won’t leave,” he repeated, “but that doesn’t mean there can’t be changes.”
“Changes? What kind of changes?”
“The fights. Maybe they can be more legitimate. Boxing, cage fighting—doesn’t have to be run under the table.” He rubbed his chin with his free hand. “As for the gambling, I guess I might be able to figure something out.”
I leaned back and fought the urge to close my eyes. The doctor said I needed to get plenty of rest, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. But this was too important.
“Are you trying to tell me you want to legitimize the mob?” I asked.
“Basically.” He grinned recklessly, and my stomach twisted in a pleasant way. “I told you. I won’t leave you ever again.”
Tears prickled my eyes, and I started to cry. This was more than I could have hoped for, but one thing was missing. “That’s…that’s great…”
“But…”
“I can’t stay with a man who doesn’t love me. I don’t want your money, Ivan. I don’t want to have your baby for money. I want…”
I want the baby to be ours. I want you to want me, and not just for my body. I want you to love me.
He moved closer toward me and wrapped me in his arms. Ivan brushed back my hair and kissed my forehead. “I do love you. I don’t just want to change our arrangement and have you be the mother of my child. I want you to also be my wife.”
His wife? I stared at him in disbelief. I was crying even harder now. “I…” I took a deep breath. “I love you too,” I admitted.
And suddenly, the future didn’t look so bleak.
Epilogue
It took time for me to heal, both physically and mentally. It took time for Ivan to heal his life too. He did change his mob around, slowly but surely, and he also needed to see a therapist. His anger, his desire for vengeance, all of those issues needed to be sorted. I suffered from PTSD, and dealing with that hadn’t been pleasant.
But we worked together. We sorted through our differences. We made it all work out.
Here I was, standing in front of a mirror, smiling at my reflection. Seven months along and I looked ready to pop. They said that if you were pregnant with a boy, that you looked radiant, so maybe that was why I looked so good today. Or maybe I was glowing because today was my wedding day.
“Have you settled on a name yet?” Denise asked. My best friend fiddled with a curl, trying to tuck it behind my ear again. It wouldn’t stay put.
“Nope. I was thinking Isaac, but Ivan wants something harder. I don’t even know what that means.” I giggled.
“A hard name?” Denise laughed too. “Maybe he means a stronger name. Like Brock.”
“Brock?” I wrinkled my nose. “No.”
“You only have two more months to decide.”
“Two months is plenty of time.” I smiled dreamily.
My mom popped her head into the room. Ivan offered to pay for a professional to do my hair and makeup and for Denise too, as my maid of honor, but I didn’t need to be fancy. Denise was doing my hair, and I was doing my own makeup. My mom was bustling around, looking better than she had in years. The doctors thought her current treatment plan was going so well, and they were cautiously optimistic.
“You don’t want to be late now.” My mom smiled wide. “Is there anything else you need? Anything I can get?”
“No, Mom. I think I’m just about ready.” I fluffed the skirt of my full wedding go
wn. It didn’t really hide my seven-month belly, but it still made me feel beautiful. In two months, we would be a family: Ivan, myself, and our baby boy.
“Are you ready for all of this?” Denise whispered into my ear after my mom left the room to talk to my friend and bodyguard, Leo. I didn’t need a bodyguard anymore. It was still an ongoing process, but true to his word, Ivan was slowly legitimizing his mob. It made us financially secure, and it made us stable, and it made us safe: safe from law enforcement, safe from other mobs since they had no reason to tangle with us, just plain safe period.
“Of course I’m ready! I couldn’t be happier.”
Denise shook her head. “When I used to think about how much grief you gave me for dating Alec…”
“Alec and Ivan are nothing like.”
“Were,” Denise corrected quietly. “I still can’t believe what happened to him—what happened to you!”
“Alec went undercover against the man who had me kidnapped. He got in too deep. He might not have treated women with respect, but he sure had been loyal to Ivan, even I can give him credit for that.”
“Yeah, well…” Denise glanced toward the doorway. “You know who I have my eye on.”
“Leo? He’s a good guy. I can put in a good word for you, if you’d like.”
Denise brushed her curled hair back. “I can snag a guy without help, you know.”
I laughed. “Of course you can.”
“You sure you’re all right? I know your therapist cleared you, but still, that must’ve been hell to go through. You never did give me all of the details.”
“It’s not something I want to talk about,” I said slowly.
“And of course not today. I’m sorry. I’m not sure where my head is. I think I’m more nervous for you than you are!”
“I don’t have a reason to be nervous. Ivan is a great guy. Fantastic in bed. Willing to change. A natural leader. He can change the world; I know he can.”
“You too. That shelter you organized for women is absolutely amazing. So much better than your old job, huh?”
“Which old job? The one where I was paid to sleep with the man I’m going to marry in two hours? Or the one before that? Because the sex job thing turned out to be pretty amazing, all things considering.”
We laughed.
My mom reentered the room carrying a bowl filled with fruit. “Eat something,” she begged. “For the baby. To settle your stomach. How are your feet?”
“My feet? They’re perfectly warm, Mom. No cold feet here.” I popped a strawberry into my mouth.
“You had me so worried.” Mom shook her head as she put down the bowl. “I’m so glad that everything worked out for you. With the baby, with Ivan, with everything.”
“You too, Mom.” I hugged her tight.
She sniffled. “I’m glad to know you won’t be alone if my health takes a turn for the worse and—”
I playfully slapped her. “Mom! Stop it. Don’t talk like that. Not today. Not ever.”
She rubbed her nose and took a deep breath. “I wasn’t sure about Ivan at all. When you told me about the situation and then you went missing…you should’ve seen how furious Ivan was when he came here to see if you were here and he realized you were taken. I had the phone in my hand, ready to call the police when he knocked on the door. I still don’t know why I trusted him not to call. You’re my baby girl! But there was something about him. I knew he would do anything to get you back. I knew then that he loved you. And that kind of love is the kind that lasts forever.”
“I trusted him from the start too. It’s why I accepted his deal in the first place. There aren’t many men I would’ve agreed to that kind of arrangement, but Ivan…” I shrugged. It started out as a desperate need for money. It grew into lust. It transformed into love. It definitely hadn’t been conventional, but it had worked for us. Would make a hell of a story to tell our kids one day. When they were thirty. And maybe I’d omit a few details. They really wouldn’t want to hear about everything.
Somehow, the two hours until the ceremony flew on by, and before I knew it, my mom was walking me down the center aisle of seats for the outdoor wedding in the park. While I had wanted a low-key wedding, Ivan wanted to spare no expense since he planned on only ever marrying just this one time. He had hired a wedding planner, and she had outdone herself. Beautiful, colorful flowers decorated the aisle, and Ivan, looking mouthwatering in a pinstripe suit, waited for me beneath an arch of cherry blossoms.
Light flashed, and people whispered to each other as the organ played, and I floated down the aisle. Well, floated as well as a seven-month pregnant woman could. My mom hugged me and then hugged Ivan before handing me over to him and claiming her spot in the first row.
The officiant smiled at us and began to speak, but honestly, I hardly heard him. I was too busy smiling at Ivan, who was minutes away from becoming my husband. I wasn’t a uterus to him. I wasn’t just a woman he could fuck whenever he wanted. I was so much more than that. I was a survivor. I was a champion. I would be his wife, and we would raise our child together.
When it was time for the vows, Ivan turned toward me. “Rachel, when you came into my life, I was in a bad way.” He shook his head. “My life was heading down a dark path, one I might not have been able to return from. You saved me. You helped me to realize that life could be so much more. You opened my eyes to love again. Even though I built up walls after my parents, you shattered them. You made me see the good in life again. I promise you that I will always do right by you, that I will create more goodness in the world. I love you, Rachel.”
It was no surprise that I cried during his speech, and I had to take a moment to compose myself to be able to tell him my vows. “Ivan, you said I saved you, but you also saved me in more than one way. You’ve always been there for me. I will do anything for you. There’s no one else I want to enjoy life with than you. Love me, and I’ll love you, and nothing can ever bring us down.”
To the cries and cheers of our friends and loved ones, we kissed before the officiant said for us to, so we had to kiss again. That didn’t bother me any. Ivan would be the last man I would ever kiss. He would be my main man until our son came along. A family—Ivan Kovalsky, Rachel Kovalsky, and baby Kovalsky. A mob of our own.
THE END
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Chapter One
Sky
The stench of disinfectant and body odor, the heavy feeling of death lingering in the air… there wasn't anything I remembered from before, but I hated hospitals now and I was willing to bet I always had. It didn't matter that I wasn't in a hospital at the moment. Inpatient physical therapy centers had the same smell, and I hated them just as much.
My nurse bustled in. "You're all clear to go." Plump, with a warm smile, Karen had been the closest person I had to a friend recently, really the only friend that I knew of.
"Thank you." I turned my back away from the window. The day was dreary and awful, and it would be dark soon. Leaving was necessary, but it also frightened me. Physically, I was ready, but emotionally? Not even close.
"You aren't worried, are you?" Karen asked kindly.
"No." One thing I had learned since I had woken up in the hospital was that it was better to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. Better to fake a smile and try my best than to express my fears and thoughts and spiral into depression.
"You're amazing." Karen patted my hand as she handed me the signed discharge papers. "Waking up from a three-month coma… getting through months of therapy…"
All by myself. In all that time, I hadn't remembered anything about the accident or my life before that, and not one person had come around looking for me. It was enough to make me sick to my stomach, but there wasn't anything to be done about it. If only I had had some ID on me, my cell phone, something… All I knew was what I had seen on the news reports. Many months ago, a car had hit me while I'd been walking on the side of the road. Why I didn't have my p
urse with me, I couldn't say.
Speaking of purses, my roommate’s sat limply on her nightstand. Because our therapy times had never been at the same time, my roommate and I were hardly ever in the room together. She wasn't here now, and it was almost a relief I didn't have to say goodbye to her. Diana couldn't talk, could barely even move. She had suffered a stroke. Hardly anyone came to visit her. I felt terrible for feeling like I did, but she reminded me too much of myself when I had first woken up, trapped in my mind, so terrified and confused. It meant I should've been more compassionate to her, and I did try to talk to her some, but what could I really talk about? How therapy was going? I had made progress, while her condition remained unchanged, not moving forward. What if my hope for the future only increased her sorrow? There was no way to know.
