Healed by the Single Dad Doc

by Annie Claydon

  It sounded like good sense. He was spreading himself too thin, trying to keep her in one box and Sam in another.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I think that, if you agree... I’d promised to take Sam for pizza this week—maybe you could tag along with us?’

  That wasn’t what Kate had envisaged, and she doubted it was what his mother had meant either. ‘Tagging along’ for a pizza they’d already planned was a little different from Ethan deliberately incorporating her into their lives. But maybe that was asking too much of them both right now. It was her choice to be independent of him, just as much as his.

  ‘Yes, I’d really like that.’

  ‘I would too. And Sam will love it.’ He sat up suddenly, as if the discussion had taken them as far as he wanted to go. ‘You want to go home, now? I’m intrigued to find out exactly how you’re going to send me to sleep...’

  * * *

  Pizza night came and went and it changed nothing. They met up in town, ate and then went their separate ways. But it was a start. Something to build on.

  Exactly what was going to happen when Ethan’s parents ran out of excuses for Sam to stay the night on Saturdays was anyone’s guess. But the super-hero space station seemed some way away from completion still and Kate had almost convinced herself not to worry too much about it. Maybe George was stringing things out to give her and Ethan some time alone.

  And now she was trembling with anticipation at the thought of another night with Ethan. She opened the front door, strolling out in the evening sunshine to greet him as he parked his car outside her house.

  ‘Hey there, beautiful.’ He put his arms around her shoulders.

  ‘Hello, handsome.’ She smiled up at him. Ethan always made her feel beautiful.

  He turned a little, flipping the remote to lock his car, and then he frowned, looking at her car, which was parked in the driveway. ‘What happened there?’

  ‘Someone rear-ended me.’

  ‘What, with you in the car? Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes, I’m fine. He wasn’t going all that fast.’ Suddenly Ethan seemed more interested in the back of her car than he was in her, walking over to inspect the damage.

  ‘You’re sure? No headaches or anything?’

  ‘No, I’m fine. It was just a bump; it looks a lot worse than it actually was. Come inside.’ Kate didn’t much want to talk about it.

  ‘And you didn’t think to call me?’

  Yes, she’d thought about calling him. She’d really wanted to call him, but she’d known he’d be busy with Sam, and the thought of her asking and him not being able to come and fetch her was more than she’d been able to bear. It was better that she didn’t venture into that territory at the moment.

  ‘I was all right, Ethan. Someone called an ambulance for the guy in the car behind me, just in case, and the paramedics checked me over too. I was fine. I am fine.’

  ‘And you won’t let me be the judge of that?’

  ‘No, actually.’ Kate tried to brush the comment off. Ethan was just reacting from that part of him that still had the urge to protect. It surfaced from time to time, but he always got over it. ‘I’m the best judge of it.’

  He turned away from her, bending down to inspect the damage on her car more closely. ‘You really should think about getting a new one, Kate. This one’s getting more and more unreliable.’

  ‘Yes, I’m thinking about it. But I’m not entirely sure what that has to do with someone crashing into the back of me when I’m stopped at the lights.’

  ‘No. I suppose not.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Kate walked into the house and he followed, shutting the front door behind him. It should all be over and done with, but somehow it wasn’t. There was more that Kate wanted to say, and from the looks of it more that Ethan had to say too. The unspoken words hung between them in the silence.

  She made tea, taking it out into the garden. Kate plumped herself down at the table on the patio, frustration still simmering on a low boil.

  ‘Look, Kate...’ Ethan was making an obvious effort to control his exasperation, standing with his back to her, staring out into the garden. ‘I can’t do this. I care for you and, well, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t help worrying about you.’

  The aching feeling, wanting him to be there for her but too afraid to ask, was too much to bear. ‘You have to trust me, Ethan. You can’t be here all the time.’

  ‘I can’t help that.’ He didn’t look round.

  ‘I know you can’t. But until you can let me out of that box you have me in, you have to accept that I need to carry on with my life. I don’t want to replace Sam’s mother. I just want to be there for you both, and I’m prepared to wait for that, but until it happens you can’t expect me to rely on you on a part-time basis. That’s not how it works.’

  He turned. The look of helplessness in his eyes was a death knell to all of Kate’s hopes. She’d finally said the things she’d written in her diary and it didn’t change anything.

  ‘I know. But it’s the way I want it to work.’ He sighed.

  ‘You want me to be safe, you want Sam to be safe... They’re both good things, but you’re stretching yourself too thin. You should concentrate on Sam and let me fend for myself for a while.’

  This was what Kate knew how to do, fend for herself. She’d been mistaken in allowing herself to rely on Ethan. He wanted to be the one she could depend on but it was too soon. Too hard for him.

  ‘I don’t know how to do that.’ Something hardened in his eyes.

  ‘You have to try. Ethan, you need to be with Sam and not me. I can deal with that. I just can’t deal with your expectations because they make me want things that I can’t have.’

  Finally it was clear. They’d tried, but both of them had to change. And neither of them could do it quickly enough to stop them from tearing each other apart in the process.

  * * *

  It was such a small thing. A dent in the back of Kate’s car shouldn’t be able to wipe away everything they’d meant to each other in the last few months.

  But Ethan knew that it wasn’t the dent that was the problem. And Kate was right, she couldn’t count on him, because he didn’t know yet how to put aside his guilt and be the man she wanted him to be.

  ‘You’re right. I care about you, but that’s not enough.’

  ‘No, it’s not. You have to change. I have to change.’

  Ethan shook his head. He couldn’t believe that he was about to say this, but it was the only thing that made any sense. The only thing that would allow her to heal. And maybe it would allow him to heal as well, but that didn’t matter very much to Ethan at the moment.

  ‘Don’t ever change, Kate. Just find your strength.’ He walked past her, trying not to look at her, but his gaze automatically found hers. ‘I have to go.’

  Her hand flew to her mouth and tears brimmed in her eyes. But she didn’t stop him. Ethan walked back into the kitchen, hearing her footsteps behind him as he opened the front door.

  ‘Ethan!’ she called out to him and he turned. In that moment, he loved her enough to leave her.

  ‘If you honestly think we can work this out, then tell me now.’

  She stared at him wordlessly. She didn’t need to say it. Her tears were eloquent enough.

  ‘Then I’m sorry, Kate.’

  He opened the front door without waiting for her answer. As he closed the door behind him and walked away, Ethan wished that somehow there could be an answer to all of this. But some things just didn’t have an answer.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  ‘WOULD YOU LIKE to take Arthur up to Summer Hill this morning?’ Sam was sitting at the table in the conservatory, surreptitiously trying to feed some of his breakfast to the dog.

  ‘Yesss!’

 
‘Good. Well, you’d better make sure that you eat all your breakfast. And that Arthur eats all of his.’

  It had been three months and Arthur was growing. The long days of summer had begun to to draw back in again, although the days were still warm. But it seemed to Ethan that he had hardly felt the sun on his face since the evening he’d walked out on Kate.

  It was for the best. He’d told himself that so many times now, in an attempt to put the yearning for her back into perspective, that it wasn’t necessary to repeat it once again. She was everything he wanted but there was one fatal flaw in their relationship—two, maybe. He was one of the flaws and she was the other.

  The doorbell rang and he went to answer it. Sam scrambled down from his seat and followed him.

  ‘What’s that?’ Sam eyed the parcel that the courier had just handed him.

  ‘I don’t know. Probably something from the hospital.’

  Sam lost interest, running upstairs, and Ethan called after him. ‘I’ll be up in a minute.’

  But he wasn’t. The package contained a hard-bound notebook that he recognised immediately, with a sheet of notepaper slipped under the elastic closure. The world suddenly changed its focus.

  Slowly he unfolded the paper. There wasn’t much to read.

  Dear Ethan

  I started this for myself, and now it’s for you. You can do whatever you want with it—read it, keep it or destroy it. But I want you to know that you left me better than you found me.

  Kate

  Ethan stared at the note, trying to divine the meaning behind her words. The writing wasn’t Kate’s usual ebullient scrawl, it was neat and careful. She’d obviously thought about what she wanted to say and said it in as few words as possible. And the ending said it all. Just Kate without any love or the usual hug and kisses.

  If this was a goodbye, he didn’t want to read it. They’d already done that and there was no point in opening old wounds. He put the book down on the hall table and then picked it up again, snapping the elastic back and opening it. Kate had sent this to him, wanting him to read it, and there was no way that he could deny her this one last thing.

  The pages were closely written and as he flipped through them he saw that she’d almost filled the notebook. It would take a while to read all of this.

  ‘Dad. Come on!’ Sam’s voice sounded from upstairs and for a moment Ethan considered laying the book to one side until Sam was in bed tonight. Then he changed his mind.

  ‘Okay. I’ll race you. See who can get ready to go first!’

  * * *

  Getting Sam dressed, chivvying boy and puppy into the car and driving to Summer Hill took less than three quarters of an hour, but it felt like an eternity. Kate’s notebook seemed to be burning a hole in the pocket of his jacket. Ethan trudged up the hill, Sam on his shoulders and Arthur trailing behind them on the lead.

  Finally they were at the top. Ethan picked a spot where he could keep hold of Arthur’s extending lead and Sam could run and play without straying out of sight. He sat down, taking the book from his pocket.

  ‘Can we go to the stream?’ Sam was cavorting around in the sunshine.

  ‘Later, maybe. I have to read this...’

  Sam puffed out a breath, laying his hand on Ethan’s knee in a meditative gesture that seemed somehow older than his years. ‘You’re getting quite boring.’

  Guilt stabbed at Ethan. Sam was right and he wished that he hadn’t let his son see his unhappiness. He folded the boy in his arms, hugging him.

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. Can you do something for me?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Would you be able to play for a while, with Arthur, while I read this? I’ll be as quick as I can. Then I promise you I’ll do my best not to be boring any more.’

  Sam nodded gravely. ‘All right, then.’

  It was so easy for Sam. He believed that his father could say something and then make it happen. As he watched the boy run over to Arthur, Ethan resolved that he would make it happen. He’d read what Kate had to say and then get on with his life.

  * * *

  The dates were entered at the top of each page, and underneath were the two entries for each date. Ethan flipped through the pages, stopping at one which contained only two sentences. He recognised the date. It was the day after the second night they’d spent together.

  Best: making love with Ethan.

  Worst: when he left.

  Remorse stabbed at him. He remembered leaving in a hurry, and Kate must have written this then. He almost put the book aside, knowing that it would deal more blows than he could take, but he picked it up again. Kate wouldn’t send him this out of spite. She wanted him to read it and he should start at the beginning.

  The first pages were dated a few days after she’d started seeing Usha and the entries were hesitant. A cup of her favourite coffee, which made Ethan smile at the memory of Kate grinning and taking a sip. A long evening at the surgery, which had worn her out. But then the entries became more personal.

  It was the story of their affair. Brief, shining, but dogged by doubt. And then the story of her life after that.

  Seeing him from her car, heading towards the market in town with Sam on his shoulders. Ethan remembered that day, and wished that he’d turned to see Kate. A nightmare, where someone grabbed her and she fought for her life against a shadow in the night. He smiled at the entries for that day. The nightmare was the worst thing that had happened to her. The best was that it had been a whole month since she’d had that dream.

  Being bitten by a dog. The everyday things that Kate had dealt with and then moved on from. There was the recurring theme of missing him, which echoed in Ethan’s heart, because he’d been missing Kate too. And the mantra which he now realised that they’d shared for this last three months.

  It was for the best. It never would have worked.

  And then the tone began to change.

  Ethan’s the best man I’ve ever known. He’s the one I wanted to depend on, who I knew I could depend on if we’d just give it a chance. But our fears got in the way.

  I’m learning to face my fears and I hope he can face his.

  He knew. It suddenly all seemed so simple that Ethan couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before. Perhaps he had seen it. He’d just been unable to trust enough to do anything about it. Ethan read to the last entry, written the day before yesterday.

  I hope that Ethan can understand. I believe he will.

  He shut the book with a snap and looked up to where Sam was sitting on the grass, deep in a rather one-sided conversation with Arthur. He understood. Finally, he understood exactly what he had to do.

  ‘Sam. We’ve got to go.’

  ‘Where?’ Sam looked up at him. If his son could trust him to make things right, if Kate could trust him to understand, then what right had Ethan not to trust himself?

  ‘We’re going to see Kate. You remember Kate?’

  ‘I remember Kate.’ Sam shot him a look of reproach. Ethan hadn’t spoken about Kate for the last few months and he supposed he deserved that. ‘Are we going now?’

  ‘Yes. We’re going now.’

  * * *

  Work was the only thing that quietened Kate’s mind right now. Hard, physical work. She’d thought a lot about sending her diary to Ethan and in the end the decision had been all about putting an end to missing him and moving on.

  But moving on wasn’t just something you did whenever you decided to. Telling herself that she’d said all that she wanted to say and that was an end to it didn’t stop the endless reworking in her mind. The endless other possibilities that she knew weren’t going to happen.

  The truth now was that she got on with her life. Maybe he’d send some kind of acknowledgement and maybe not, but knowing Ethan he’d think before he acted. Which meant that, if his reply was coming, it woul
dn’t be today. Or tomorrow, either.

  Large, heavy rocks were just the thing. Maybe she should split a few in half, and add a ball and chain just to complete the effect. She wandered into the kitchen, surveying the pile of built-up earth at the end of the garden, which already boasted the four rocks at the corners which were the basis of her design.

  Sweat trickled from the nape of her neck down to the top of her sleeveless vest. She took a bottle of lemonade from the fridge, pouring herself a glass. With any luck, this should take the whole weekend.

  The doorbell rang and she dropped the glass in the sink. It smashed, sending shards flying across the draining board, and Kate cursed quietly to herself. When the work stopped, she was jumpier than she thought.

  Drying her hands with a tea towel, she opened the door. For a moment, she thought she might be hallucinating.

  Ethan was standing at the end of the path looking cool and incredibly handsome. Kate’s hand automatically flew to her hair as she watched Sam run up the path towards her, arms outstretched in an impression of an aeroplane.

  Shakily she bent down, unable to tear her gaze from Ethan’s face. He wasn’t smiling, but then again he wasn’t not smiling. Maybe he felt as awkward as she did, but he certainly looked a lot better.

  ‘What’s this, Sam? Are you a plane?’ She couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  ‘I’m a wing man.’

  ‘Oh.’ She was vaguely aware that Ethan was wincing in uneasy embarrassment. ‘Do you know what a wing man is?’

  ‘No.’ Sam ran in a small circle, his arms outstretched. ‘Someone with wings, I think.’

  ‘That sounds about right.’ She couldn’t stop trembling. Ethan had come, and she didn’t know what this meant. But if Sam was with him then surely it couldn’t be anything other than a social visit? Maybe an attempt at friendship? Kate didn’t quite know how she would respond to that yet.

  ‘Go tell your dad to come here.’ She smiled down at Sam, who obligingly veered back down the path, chanting the words at Ethan as he went. He nodded, walking up the path and stopping outside the porch, his fingers on Sam’s shoulders.