Drive Me Crazy

by Portia MacIntosh

  Danny smiles and gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. ‘Right, bro, go run yourself a nice bath and get yourself dolled up. I’m taking you out tonight. I want you to sit in this hotel bath so long you get out looking like the bird from The Shining.’ He laughs.

  ‘I get that one,’ I reply to his movie reference excitedly, before remembering just what she looked like. ‘Maybe not that long though.’

  ‘Do as you’re told, Candy. I’ve got plans to make.’

  ‘Sir, yes, sir,’ I reply, giving him a little salute.

  After a long soak, as instructed, I head back into the bedroom to find that Danny has returned. He’s sitting on the bed, eating chocolates, sipping a cup of tea, and throwing potpourri at the teddy bear, punching the air victoriously whenever a piece sticks to its head.

  I tighten my fluffy robe before sitting down on the bed next to him.

  ‘Want a sip?’ he asks, offering me his cup.

  I glance inside it and turn my nose up at the contents.

  ‘No thanks,’ I reply. ‘I didn’t know you drank herbal tea.’

  ‘I fucking don’t,’ he scoffs. ‘But it’s all they’ve got in here.’

  I run my fingers through my wet hair, trying to free a few of the knots, wincing as I do so.

  ‘I’m not looking forward to attempting to curl my hair with my straighteners,’ I admit. ‘Zander made it look effortless.’

  ‘If you can’t do it, I’ll have a go,’ Danny says, but I widen my eyes with horror.

  ‘Like I’m going to let you touch my hair, man-bun.’ I laugh. ‘Anyway, I’m a girl; you’re a boy. I’m just supposed to be better at this stuff.’

  ‘Hashtag: everyday sexism,’ Danny jokes. ‘OK, well, I’ll leave you to dry you hair off and I’ll have a shower. Everything is in place for tonight.’

  ‘Why am I so worried?’ I ask – worried.

  ‘Don’t be,’ he instructs, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek before disappearing into the bathroom.

  I briefly touch my face where he kissed me before setting up the hairdryer and the straighteners at the dressing table.

  I remember what Zander told me about leaning forward while I blow-dry my hair to give it more volume, and I nail it, but then it’s time to curl. I section my hair off and take a small piece, placing it between the hot plates before attempting the manoeuvre Zander showed me. As I let the piece of hair fall I can’t help but notice that it’s not curly at all, in fact, it’s just straightened it. Crap.

  I take the same piece of hair and then try again, this time only managing to put a bend in it halfway down. Wow, I didn’t realise you could put a right angle in your hair.

  I put down the straighteners and fold my arms angrily. This is impossible. How do girls do this every day?

  Danny walks out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He grabs the hairdryer and begins blowing his hair.

  ‘Having trouble?’ he asks, raising his voice so that I can hear him over the dryer.

  ‘Just taking a break,’ I lie.

  ‘A break from folding your hair?’ he asks, laughing at my attempt.

  I frown at him, so he clicks the dryer off.

  ‘Come here,’ he insists, picking up the straighteners. ‘Look, you’ve got to angle the straighteners downwards,’ he explains. ‘And the slower you do it, the tighter the curl, see?’

  Danny lets the piece of hair drop, and it’s curled beautifully, like a corkscrew. He does another two before handing me the straighteners back.

  ‘You try,’ he insists.

  I follow his instructions and finally manage to get a piece to curl. It’s not as good as Danny’s, but I get better at it as I go along.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say, mildly irritated that he’s better at this stuff than I am, but grateful for his help.

  ‘Let me know if you need help with your make-up too,’ he shouts as he continues to dry his hair. ‘Or your bra – but I’m better at taking those off.’

  I laugh and shake my head. ‘So what are we doing tonight?’ I ask.

  ‘It’s a surprise,’ he tells me, sweeping his hair back from his face.

  ‘I hate surprises,’ I tell him. ‘The honeymoon suite was a surprise, and look how that went.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m not banging you behind my wife’s back, am I? I’m good at surprises. My surprises don’t involve me fathering children. Not if I execute them well.’ He laughs as he slips on his clothes. ‘The surprises, that is. Not the children.’

  ‘Hey, where’s your topknot tonight?’ I ask.

  ‘No topknot tonight,’ he replies, buttoning up his shirt. It’s only as I realise that he’s got his hair down and blown back that I realise just how smart he’s looking this evening in his black trousers and his white shirt. He blows his glasses clean before putting them on. ‘Nothing I can do about these though,’ he laughs. ‘Not if you want me to see.’

  ‘I always liked Clark Kent more than Superman anyway.’ I smile.

  ‘That’s good,’ he replies, ‘because I’ve always preferred shirts to lycra.’

  ‘Speaking of lycra,’ I start, grabbing my dress for the evening. ‘Are you sure I should wear this?’

  ‘I’m sure I’m sure,’ he replies. ‘Why?’

  I glance at the white, sparkly bodycon dress.

  ‘Erm, I have like fifty reasons.’ I laugh. ‘It’s tight – very tight. It’s white and I’m clumsy and I spill things.’

  ‘That’s only two and a half reasons, and I’ve never seen you spill anything except your guts, but I won’t be letting you eat any burgers tonight.’ He laughs. ‘And I’ve seen you in tight. You look good in tight. Like a Kardashian.’

  ‘Which one?’ I ask curiously, hoping he doesn’t say ‘Rob’.

  ‘One of the young ones with a K name,’ he insists, clearly oblivious. ‘But not Kim – girl basic.’

  I laugh and thank him.

  ‘Right, I need to go get set up,’ he tells me, instantly arousing my curiosity.

  ‘Set up?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes, you’ll see,’ he replies. ‘Get ready. I’ll send someone for you when I’m ready, OK?’

  ‘OK,’ I reply, nervously. As Danny leaves the room, I can’t help but think about how lucky I am to have him in my life right now and whatever my surprise is, at least I know it’s not the honeymoon suite.

  Chapter 37

  ‘You’re so lucky,’ a female hotel employee tells me as she escorts me into the lift. ‘You’re hubby has pulled out all the stops.’

  ‘He’s certainly something,’ I reply, noticing that the lift is going up and not down.

  ‘I mean, wow. I’d kill for a bloke to do this for me,’ she continues, visibly swooning from her encounter with my fictional husband.

  I smile and nod.

  The lift doors open and the girl leads me along a bare corridor in what looks like an area of the hotel only usually used by staff. We walk up a short staircase before stepping out onto the roof. It’s dark, but there are fairy lights everywhere. Over in the corner Danny is sitting at a candlelit table, set for two. On the floor next to him there’s an air mattress covered in a variety of cushions in different shapes and sizes, that looks so cosy I would dive into it were it not for my super-tight dress and my sky-high heels making even walking feel like a challenge.

  The girl leaves the two of us alone and Danny comes over to greet me.

  ‘Well, this is very romantic for a nerd,’ I tease. ‘Is that a Jack Duff album playing?’

  ‘What can I say? They didn’t have the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. And I can do romance when I want to.’

  ‘It seems you can.’

  ‘Take a seat at the table. Dinner is coming to us. And if you really don’t want to sleep in the forced romance zone, we can sleep under the stars – for the story,’ he quickly adds.

  I smile widely. I’m impressed and I can’t hide my gratitude. In fact, a wave of emotion washes over me and I feel a happy tear escape one eye.r />
  ‘No, no crying. You know I can’t handle women crying.’ He laughs. ‘I just wanted to do something nice for you. You said no one has ever done anything big for you, well, here you go.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I reply sincerely.

  ‘Shall we sit down?’

  I nod, making my way over to the table.

  As we approach the edge of the building, I take in the breathtaking view.

  ‘Wow,’ is about all I can say. From up here, you can see across London for miles, with a perfect view of the park right in front of us.

  ‘Amazing, isn’t it?’ he sighs. ‘And London is tiny compared to some of the places I’ve visited. You’ll have to let me take you to a few places, show you what there is to see there.’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I reply as I manage to drag myself away from the scenery and sit down. I pick up my menu and glance over it, struggling with what to order because it all sounds so good.

  ‘This is me wooing you, in case you can’t tell,’ Danny explains. ‘Just like I was last night when you went off with that Aussie.’

  ‘Easy mistake to make. Also, if you think you have to woo me because we slept together last night, you’re wasting your money.’ I laugh.

  ‘Why do you keep insisting that last night was just a one-off?’ he asks.

  ‘Because…you only do one-offs?’

  ‘I do people as many times as I want to do them, but there aren’t too many people I want to do more than once,’ he replies, before realising his wording. ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘I do. But…I just didn’t think you did relationships.’

  ‘I don’t not do them.’ He laughs. ‘Just never met anyone worth doing one with.’

  ‘But plenty worth banging on your car?’ I reply, raising an eyebrow.

  ‘The number of women I have banged on my car has been greatly exaggerated,’ he replies, sipping his champagne.

  We pause our conversation while we order our food, but the second the waiter has gone I am straight back to it.

  ‘So…’

  ‘So, what?’ He laughs.

  ‘So, what happens when we get back?’ I ask.

  ‘Candy, nothing needs to happen. No one has to promise anyone anything. I just know I’d like to spend more time with you. I want to spend my days annoying you and getting you in trouble and making you watch Star Wars. And I want you to spend yours driving me mad, keeping me out of trouble and pretending to enjoy Star Wars, because that’s what you do when you like someone, OK?’

  ‘I don’t know if it’s all the romantic stuff surrounding us that made that seem like the least romantic thing I have ever heard, but OK.’ I laugh.

  ‘I can tell you I’ve got a wife if that sweetens the deal at all?’ he teases.

  ‘Oi, not funny,’ I reply, trying to keep my face straight.

  ‘Too soon?’ he asks.

  ‘Too real,’ I reply.

  Danny smiles. ‘So we’re a bit of a double act,’ Danny muses. ‘The kind you can publicly discuss. The kind who watch their parents having sex on the living room floor together.’

  ‘Fond memories of that,’ I reply sarcastically, although I notice he referred to us as a double act and not a couple, so I’m still none the wiser. All I know is that I’m happier, and that’s fine by me.

  ‘Here’s to many more,’ he says, raising his glass. ‘Well, more fond memories, not more old people banging. To us!’

  ‘To us,’ I reply, clinking my glass with his.

  After a delicious dinner and lots of champagne, Danny and I are lying on the air mattress. We’re on one of the tallest buildings around, so with the lights off and the sky clear, we’ve got a perfect view of the stars. It’s a warm summer night, but not so hot it’s uncomfortable, so we’re sleeping on the roof.

  ‘How did you pull this off?’ I ask. ‘I mean, getting permission to be up here, dinner up here, sleeping up here…’

  ‘Let’s just say there’s a manager with a teenage son who just got lots of very expensive software for free,’ he tells me with a laugh.

  ‘I won’t ask,’ I reply.

  ‘Why, because it’s illegal and you’re a square?’

  ‘No, because it sounds boring,’ I tease.

  I snuggle up closer to Danny, resting my head on his bicep, placing one of my legs on top of his.

  ‘You’re worth it,’ he tells me. ‘At work, you always seemed so sad, and I remember thinking that all I wanted to do was make you happy – even if it was just by stapling an invoice to my foot.’

  ‘I keep meaning to ask, did that leave a scar?’

  ‘I knew you were watching.’ He laughs. ‘Nope, that’s the great thing about the human body – it never ceases to amaze you with how much it’s able to recover from without leaving a mark.’

  ‘Like failed relationships,’ I tell him.

  ‘Exactly,’ he replies. ‘Sometimes the people we fall for are not the ones we get to spend the rest of our lives with, and sometimes it hurts, but sometimes we realise it just wasn’t meant to be. No matter how hard you try and how carefully you plan it, things just don’t work out the way you hoped they would. But it’s OK, because life gives you plenty of opportunities to start over – not just every time something goes wrong, or even each morning – every second of life is another shot, another chance to make better choices.’

  ‘You’re very wise,’ I tell him.

  ‘You say that like you’re unsure if it’s a good or a bad thing.’ He laughs.

  ‘It’s good because you’re smart, but it’s bad because you know it,’ I reply.

  ‘Come here, bro,’ he says, freeing his arm to wrap it around me.

  I snuggle up in his arms, exhaling deeply as I feel myself relax.

  ‘It’s funny to think that after all these nights of not being able to sleep, I might actually be able to get some shut-eye tonight, and I had to sleep outside to achieve it.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ He laughs, running a hand up my thigh. ‘Do you know how many light fittings there are below us that we can make swing?’

  ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ I reply.

  Chapter 38

  ‘What are you smiling about?’ Danny asks me.

  It’s six a.m., and I’ve just woken up on the roof after a night of not very much sleep with Danny.

  ‘Oh, not much,’ I reply. ‘Except I had sex on a roof last night, and I wasn’t even that drunk.’

  ‘You’re a big, brave girl, huh?’ He laughs as he stretches out.

  ‘Oh, totally,’ I reply sarcastically. ‘But I probably only felt so brave because we’re on such a tall building, no one could possibly see.’

  ‘Oh, they definitely have CCTV up here,’ he tells me casually.

  ‘No!’ I gasp.

  ‘Oh, yeah. I checked. I don’t mind an audience; I just like to know it’s there, you know?’

  ‘You’re winding me up,’ I insist.

  ‘I could point the cameras out to you?’

  ‘No thanks,’ I reply quickly. ‘I’m happy not knowing.’

  ‘I’m starving,’ Danny says. ‘Reckon they’ve got somewhere we can plug the toaster in up here?’

  I laugh, although I don’t think he’s joking.

  ‘I’d suggest we go get showered and changed and head out for breakfast, but I don’t want to get up. I don’t want today to happen.’

  ‘You don’t want to go back?’ Danny asks.

  ‘Nope,’ I reply.

  ‘Well, let’s go somewhere else,’ he suggests.

  ‘I can’t,’ I sigh. ‘Responsibilities – and it’s not just my work, or my flat. I’ve got Amy’s wedding tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh yeah, well, I’m looking forward to it,’ he says, reminding me that he said he’d go with me. ‘Anyway, you’ve got me around now. Life won’t be like it was before.’

  ‘This is true.’ I smile. I kind of feel like I can tackle anything with Danny backing me, as cheesy as it sounds.

  ‘We’ll just take it a day at a tim
e, and see what happens,’ Danny tells me. ‘You don’t have to have everything figured out.’

  See, this is what I love about Danny. When things are bad you can be the kind of person who has a breakdown, writes about it for all of Facebook to read, and makes sure everyone knows that you’re having a tough time, or you can be more like Danny, take things a step at a time, and when things are bad just plant a smile on your face and crack on. It’s called getting on with life. You timer doesn’t stop ticking just because you’re having a bad day. Every day counts and every day could be your last. With my rubbish family medical history, I am more determined than ever to make every day count.

  ‘OK, let’s get up, let’s head back…before I change my mind.’

  ‘OK, but after breakfast,’ he insists. ‘And after this.’

  Danny climbs on top of me, pinning my wrists down above my head before kissing my neck slowly.

  Cameras be damned. I’m making the most of these last few moments, before it’s back up north, back to reality, back to face the music.

  Chapter 39

  As we checked out of the hotel, the manager gave me a knowing glance and a wink, the kind that confirms there were definitely CCTV cameras up on the roof. I don’t care though; I’m just so happy right now.

  The trip home was loads of fun, with Danny keeping me amused for the entire journey. He insisted I get some sleep while he drove, but I didn’t want to just abandon him. Plus, as much as I trust him, I still like to keep one eye on him.

  As fun as the trip was, after four hours in the car I am ready to get a bath, put some comfortable clothes on and get in my own bed. Danny and I can’t get enough of each other though, so the plan is to both head home, freshen up and then meet up later for a threesome with Netflix. House of Cards is on the agenda, and Danny is determined to catch me up before the new season starts.

  Danny pulls up in the taxi bay outside my flat and insists on carrying my bags up for me, much to the annoyance of the actual taxi drivers parked outside. We share a quick kiss before he leaves, but I don’t even have a chance to get my shoes off before my phone rings.

  ‘Candice, are you back?’ Sweet Caroline asks, without so much as a hello.