Flicker

by Melanie Hooyenga

  But of course it has to. I pull away first, not wanting him to be the one to break away.

  He smiles. "Wow."

  "You can say that again."

  He nuzzles my neck, his lips settling against my ear. "Wow," he murmurs.

  I blink in an effort to clear the haze that's muddled my brain. No one can see us here, but surely someone saw us duck behind the bushes and god only knows what they think we're up to. I blush, knowing they'd be right.

  "Do you still want to see the animals?"

  "Besides you?" I smile up at him, and my heart nearly thuds out of my chest at the softness in his eyes. How could I have not seen this—or even thought about this—before?

  He laughs, a deep rumble that sends chills down my spine, and pulls me closer.

  Lord help me.

  His mouth covers mine and I melt into him. Our tongues dance lightly, softly, like we have all the time in the world and this is the most important thing we have to do.

  This time he pulls away. He presses his lips to my temple, the one that always hurts first when I get a headache, then stands. Taking my hand, he tugs me to him and folds me into his embrace.

  I could get used to this.

  "Come on." We walk to the main path, and I glance at the fence where we entered to make sure no one's watching for us. They don't seem to be. The elderly couple hasn't moved. A man sits by himself beneath a shady tree, and different families surround the fountain. At least I think they're different families—the strollers and toys and frazzled mothers all kind of look the same.

  Sunlight filters through the trees, casting long shadows over the path. I'm grateful we're walking. I usually have to close my eyes at this time of day and it's nice to be able to actually enjoy the late afternoon sun. Especially the way it catches the highlights in Cam's dark hair.

  I wish I'd brought my camera.

  He gives me a sidelong glance and squeezes my hand. "What'cha thinking?"

  "I was just wondering why the hell it took us so long to do that."

  He lifts my hand to kiss it and butterflies zip through me. "I thought the same thing."

  I look up at him. "And?"

  He turns us down a path leading to a two-story building with an atrium. "I guess I was afraid we'd ruin our friendship. But I gotta tell you, right now that seems like a stupid reason."

  I stop so suddenly that Cameron, still holding my hand, jerks around.

  "What's wrong?"

  I look up at the building, a slight tremor running through me.

  It's the monkey house.

  "I don't want to go in there."

  "To the monkey house? You're serious?"

  I narrow my gaze at him and refuse to budge.

  "Okay, you're serious. But what do you have against monkeys? You've never said anything about them before."

  I take a step back. "It's not the monkeys. It's the building. My dad…" I turn around and hurry towards a bench. I need to sit down.

  Cameron runs to catch up, puzzlement darkening his features. "How do I not know that you have a thing with the monkey house?"

  I snort. "I don't have a thing, I just can't go in there." Dad's seizure last night blurs with memories of the one all those years ago, and I can't catch my breath. I sink onto the bench and reach for Cameron's hand, tugging him next to me. "One of my earliest memories is my dad having a seizure. In there." I nod at the building and the atrium winks back at me. I blink against the reflection.

  "I don't get it. He has them a lot." He tilts his head, trying to understand the craziness that is my brain. "You still go in your house."

  "I know, but this was the first one that I remember. All the others…" how do I explain this? "It's like I compare every other one to the first one. It was so awful—the monkeys screaming and my mom crying over my dad while everyone stared—that I've never been able to forget it. I guess I'm afraid that going inside would make the memories even stronger."

  The darkness in his face shifts. "That I get."

  His sister, duh. I'm whining about a scary memory and his sister is gone. Presumed dead. And he was a suspect. "Yeah, I guess you do." I rub my thumb over his fingers. "So can we skip the monkeys?"

  He pulls me close, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "We'll go wherever you want."

  I lean my head against his shoulder, thinking. A slow smile spreads across my face. "The bat house."

  He jerks away. "Bats?" He looks at my beaming face and shakes his head. "Just when I think I understand you."

  But it makes perfect sense. They live in complete darkness; the triggers for my headaches and everything else are non-existent in their world. If it wasn't for the poop I'd contemplate actually living in a bat house. That, and the fact that bats freak the shit out of me.

  *****

  Cameron drapes his arm over my shoulders as we leave the bat house. "I knew you were messing with me."

  It turns out it wasn't as cool as I expected. Yes, it was dark, but bats are noisier than I thought and bear an alarming resemblance to rats. Flying rats that screech and swoop and stink. A lot.

  The sun has sunk lower in the sky, lengthening the shadows until they completely cover the grounds. Animals pace near the rear of their open-air cages, waiting for their dinner. People huddle near the guardrails, anxious for a glimpse of the carnage.

  My stomach growls. "So what's next? More breaking and entering? Maybe knocking over a taco stand?"

  "You hungry?"

  I nod against his shoulder and we turn awkwardly towards the rear of the zoo. Our bodies aren't familiar enough with each other to walk arm and arm with the same gait. I trip when our hips collide, then he steps on my toe. I pull away and slide my fingers through his.

  There's no sign of whoever chased us near the back fence, but we wait a few minutes before slipping through the creaky gate.

  Inside the car I crank the heater and sit on my hands. As much as I bitch about the sunlight, at least it keeps me warm.

  Cameron drives to McDonald's and he places our usual order—two quarter pounders, two large fries, two orange sodas—then parks so we can eat.

  I rip open the paper and take a huge bite, but I'm unable to swallow. Stupid butterflies just reminded me that I'm inhaling my hunk of meat in front of the boy I like. I've never been one of those girls who can't eat in front of guys, but I do try to use a little self-control. I peek at Cameron through my hair and laugh.

  He's halfway through his burger and has a handful of fries at the ready. He must sense me watching because he juts his chin at my food. "I thought you were hungry."

  I still have a lump of burger in my mouth, so I just nod and chew slowly.

  We eat quietly—well, as quietly as one can eat with a seventeen-year old boy—then he starts the car. "Is the boat ramp cool?"

  "Yeah, sure." My heartbeat quickens. It won't be the same with other people, but I'm kind of excited to see what people will say when they realize me and Cameron are… together.

  Chapter 11

  A half-dozen kids are sitting on the trunks of their parked cars when we arrive. Some alternative band I don't recognize is blaring from an mp3 player. It's too early for a fire and the chill from the river goes straight through my sweater.

  "Do you still have that blanket?"

  Cameron retrieves it from the trunk and we glance nervously at each other before approaching our friends. I texted Amelia after we ate so I knew she'd be here in a little while, but I wished she'd hurry up. Now that heads were turning our way I wish we'd gone someplace else. I'm not ready for this—

  "New couple alert!" Our friend Joey props an elbow against his windshield and eyes us. "When did this happen?"

  "No wonder you two've been MIA," said Jason, Joey's partner-in crime. I've known Joey and Jason, or Double J as we all call them, almost as long as I've known Cameron. With their light brown shaggy hair and blue eyes they could almost pass for twins, and I suspect they've encouraged that impression.

  Cameron presses his
hand against the small of my back, lifting the hem of my sweater until his fingers brush my skin. A jolt of electricity shoots through my stomach and keeps heading south. Heat flushes my face and it suddenly occurs to me that everyone is staring.

  "So?" asks Travis, a scrawny guy who tags along with Double J. He's supposedly a kick-ass wrestler, but I find him obnoxious. He's always trying too hard. "You two gonna talk or you want us to guess?" He elbows Jason. "I bet I can come up with a good story."

  "Travis, quit being a jackass."

  I smile at Haley, Travis's girlfriend. I can't for the life of me figure out why she wastes her time with him. They spend most of their time either fighting or ignoring each other, but hey, who am I to criticize?

  Cameron laughs. "It's no big deal. I finally convinced Biz she's been wasting her time with those putzes and—"

  No one speaks.

  I turn around and my heart sinks. Robbie is standing behind us. He must have gone to the woods to pee. "Thanks for the warning, assholes," I mutter.

  "Putz?" Robbie answers Cameron but he's glaring at me. "It's bad enough you already found some other guy to follow you around, but you gotta talk shit about me, too?"

  "Cam is not some guy."

  Cameron opens his hand so his entire palm is flattened against my back. Distracting me. "Biz, save your breath. He's not worth it."

  "That's not what she thought two weeks ago."

  "Dude, let it go. No one else gives a shit."

  "I can't believe you're even wasting your time with her. You know she'll drop you in a couple weeks, just when you start to really like her."

  Those last words sting. I never meant to hurt Robbie but that's exactly what I've done. And now we're rubbing his face in it. "Cam, let's just go."

  Robbie flexes his fists, his body tense. "Don't do me any favors." He scans our friends' faces. "I'm outta here." He jams his hand in his pocket and yanks out his keys, then storms across the parking lot to his car. “Figures she’s sticking by him now that another kid is missing.”

  Cameron’s grip on my hand tightens and my jaw drops. No one says a word.

  Did he really just say that? Do people think still Cameron had something—

  A spray of gravel cuts off my thoughts.

  "Very mature!" I shout after him.

  Joey slaps his hand on the trunk of his car. "Well that was fun. Now who's ready for a drink?"

  A beer can sails through the air. Cameron catches it before it smacks me in the chest. Another follows and I flinch. He silently hands one to me, the casual smile from earlier replaced with a scowl.

  “Don’t pay attention to Robbie,” Haley says, smiling at me. “He was bitching about you before you got here. He’ll get over it.”

  Her words don’t exactly make me feel better, but I didn’t come here to worry about my ex. Determined to push him out of my head, I open my beer, spraying foam all over my hands. At least it didn't get on my sweater. My parents don't drink and I swear they can smell it even after I've washed my clothes.

  Double J and Travis chug half their beers in one gulp, but Cameron takes it easy. We both like to drink with our friends but I get headaches enough without giving myself a hangover. I never really questioned Cameron's reasons, but I'm glad he doesn't like to get trashed.

  "Let's sit down." I don’t know how Cameron brushes off comments like Robbie’s, but I guess he’s had years to get used to it. He hands me his beer and I step back so he can spread out the blanket. We settle next to each other and I immediately jump up.

  Everyone stares at me.

  I lift the edge of the blanket and kick at the gravel. "Got a stone up my ass."

  They all laugh and I sit back down, happy to have lightened the mood.

  Travis belches. "You know who else's got a stone up his ass?" He launches into a story about the wrestling coach and I lean back on my hands. Cameron shifts so his arm is against mine and I tune out Travis's yammering. The beer is starting to take effect and I close my eyes, letting the lightheadedness take over. This is why I drink. Not to get drunk or feel uninhibited—that's Amelia's main reason—but to be free of the constant need to keep my flickering in check. Sitting in the darkness, I don't have to worry about flickering accidentally, but it's never far from my thoughts. With beer—I take another sip—all that goes away.

  Cameron's head touches mine. "It's nice to see you finally relax."

  I smile at him and my breath catches. He's so close, his eyes just inches from mine. The alcohol urges me closer to him but I resist. I'm not into PDA.

  But he, apparently, doesn't mind, because in the next heartbeat his lips are on mine and my beer tips on its side.

  "Get a room!"

  I'd love to.

  Wait, that wasn't Haley. I turn around in time to see Amelia a split second before she tackles me. She lands between me and Cameron, spilling whatever was left of my beer all over my jeans.

  I wipe my hands down my legs and laugh. Can't do anything about it now. I look around and don't see her car. "How did you—oh." Trace is standing off to the side, shifting from one foot to the other.

  Amelia scrambles to her feet and grabs Trace's elbow. "Everyone, you know Trace." Few people at school don't know who he is. The guys all grunt at him. "Trace, this is everyone. And this," she points at me, "is Biz."

  We nod at each other and I give her my best what-the-fuck look.

  Two beer cans fly through the darkness and land at Amelia's feet. "Thanks, assholes." She picks one up and taps the top. "Trace and I ran into each other shopping for running shoes."

  I hold in a smirk. Amelia doesn't run.

  She lifts an eyebrow at me. "Anyway, I told him about how you want to interview him for your photo project thing—" Cameron raises an eyebrow at me, "—and we got to talking and I invited him to come along."

  Joey cracks open another beer and throws an unopened can at me. This time I catch it. "Pull up a chair. We're just getting started."

  I get on my knees and straighten the blanket so they can sit down. Firm hands wrap around my waist and in one swift motion I'm nestled between Cameron's legs. That works.

  Amelia lands cross-legged next to me and Trace sits on the edge of the blanket. He's too far away for Amelia's liking, but after another beer she'll coax him closer.

  Jason leans forward, his feet on the bumper. "So Trace, you captain this year?"

  He takes a long drink and nods. "Co-captain."

  "Can they kick you off the team for drinking?" Joey asks.

  Trace holds up his beer and studies the can. "Probably."

  Travis raises his can. "Welcome to the club."

  Their conversation shifts to sports so I nudge Amelia and eyeball Trace. "Well?" I mouth.

  She shrugs and mouths back, "Later."

  Cameron's fingers trail down my back and he whispers in my ear. "So what's this about an interview?"

  Is he jealous? A flutter kicks in my stomach. I know I'm not supposed to like that in a guy, but coming from Cameron it's really hot. "I was trying to help Amelia. She couldn't get him to notice her so I said I'd offer to take pictures of him and do an interview for our sports page."

  He nods at Trace. "You might need to find another idea."

  Trace has shifted so his hand is next to Amelia's leg. His thumb rubs the inside of her pant leg where only we can see.

  Go Amelia!

  The guys burst into laughter and Joey tumbles off the side of the car, landing flat on his back, which makes them laugh even harder.

  Boys can be such—

  "Dude!" Jason yells. "That's totally what she looks like!"

  They all turn to look at me.

  "What?"

  "You." Joey croaks from the ground. "When you go all spastic in class."

  "What?" I repeat. They can't be talking about when I flicker. They can't. No one knows. How could they know?

  "You know," Jason laughs, "when you get all twitchy in class, like you just woke up or something."

  Fuck
! I crack open the second beer and take a long drink. "Yeah, that." I'm trying to play it cool but now they're really staring at me. I take another drink and my head spins.

  Amelia giggles next to me. "You guys are ridiculous." Thank you Amelia. "If she's sleeping how does she know she's twitching?" Okay, not helping so much.

  I set the beer down—that's definitely not going to help—but I can't think of anything to say. My mind's gone blank.

  "You okay?" Cameron whispers.

  Frustration pushes away my embarrassment. I hate people asking me that, but more than that, I hate having him worry about me. "I'm fine. Sorry. I guess I didn't expect to be the butt of the joke."

  Everyone relaxes. Joey stands up and brushes himself off. "That's why it's so funny."

  By now everyone is getting buzzed so I don't have to wait long before the conversation moves to something else, but my exuberance is gone. I'm beyond happy to have Cameron so close, but my typical worries come crashing back.

  Midway through her second beer Amelia nudges me. "I have to pee."

  "You can't wait?"

  "No. Come with me."

  I stand up, my stiff legs groaning in protest.

  Cameron slides a hand around the back of my thigh and I want to sink back into his lap. "Be careful." The serious expression on his face sobers me up. I'd forgotten about the real danger lurking out there.

  "We will."

  Amelia loops her arm through mine and scans the group on the cars. "Haley, you need to go?"

  "Yes! Wait up." There's rustling of jackets and the clink of a beer can being set on a car as Haley disentangles herself from Travis.

  We pick our way around the cars and find the narrow path at the edge of the tree line. The boat ramp doesn't have any outbuildings so the bathroom is the woods. Faint light illuminates the spot where we're parked, but the three feet into the forest and we're blind.

  "Do you guys know where we're going?" Haley fumbles for my arm and latches on. "I can't see shit."

  I trip over a tree root and nearly take them both down with me.