Outbreak Company: Volume 7

by Ichiro Sakaki

  Speaking of whom, she was set up at a desk and chair in the corner of the room, checking the papers I had finished with. She was technically my bodyguard, so in principle this was totally outside her job description, but as I got busier, she had been kind enough to help me like this.

  “She is right, Shinichi.” This came from Petralka, who was reclining on the sofa. “We cannot help but notice that despite the imperial presence, you are not playing host to us very well. What is this business that is so important?”

  She picked up one of the papers I had been working on until a few minutes ago and looked it over. It was what we called a “materials order”—in a word, a list of the otaku goods I thought we should import to Eldant next.

  Petralka looked over the list, offering comments like “We don’t have that yet” or “What’s that?” as she read. She had gotten pretty good at reading and writing Japanese, so she could probably grasp a fair amount of what was on the list. Sometimes that made her more of a hindrance than a help, but she was still the empress, and officially my employer, so I certainly couldn’t ignore her.

  “Thanks, Myusel,” I said. “And I’m sorry, Petralka. I’ll be able to make some time if I can just finish what I’m doing right now. Myusel, I’d really appreciate if you could make some kind of light snack that I could eat while I’m working.”

  “Oh—I’m sorry I didn’t notice! I’ll bring something right away!” Myusel bowed deeply and rushed off to the kitchen.

  I mean... I wasn’t trying to criticize her...

  As a matter of fact, I had been slammed with work that day, and Minori-san and I still hadn’t had lunch. I normally liked for everyone in the mansion to eat together, but it simply hadn’t been possible. I picked up another piece of paper, all too aware of my growling stomach...

  There was a knock at the open door. “Hullo.” I looked up and saw a middle-aged man standing there. “Shinichi-kun, Koganuma-kun. May I have a moment?”

  The man who came into the room as Myusel was leaving it was Matoba Jinzaburou-san, Chief of the Far East Culture Exchange Promotion Bureau. Although it wasn’t immediately obvious from the organizational chart, he was basically my superior.

  More specifically, you could say he was the thread that connected me to the organization above me—namely, the Japanese government. Because of that position, Matoba-san made frequent trips between Japan and Eldant, and we often went days without seeing him at the mansion. Then he would wander in, tell us about some business or other, and then disappear again.

  Today, uncharacteristically, he had a companion with him, a uniformed JSDF soldier. Maybe his bodyguard? But it would be unusual for his bodyguard to come inside with him.

  “Matoba-san,” I asked, “were you back in Japan again?” I realized it had been nearly a month since we had seen him last.

  “Such is work,” he said with a shrug. Then he turned to Minori-san. “Speaking of which—Koganuma-kun. I’m not here for Shinichi-kun today, but for you.”

  “Me, sir? What’s going on?” Minori-san was openly surprised.

  Matoba-san pulled a notebook out of the inside pocket of his business suit. Then he licked his finger and started flipping pages, an immensely bureaucrat-esque gesture that looked oddly appropriate for him.

  “We want members of the Eldant expeditionary force, including yourself, to take some vacation time. Specifically, about three shifts’ worth.”

  “Huh?” Minori-san blinked.

  “It seems you haven’t properly taken vacation since you arrived here.”

  “Vacation time... I guess that is something I get, isn’t it?” Minori-san said with an amused look.

  It was true that since I had come here, Minori-san had been “on the job” as my bodyguard pretty much 24/7. Except for when we were sleeping, we were practically attached at the hip.

  “Indeed you do. And if you don’t use it up, at least on paper, it will mean trouble for us. Thus, I would like the lot of you to take some time off—say next week?”

  “So you’ll be able to take a break too, Captain Satou?” Minori-san asked, addressing the man standing beside Matoba-san.

  Hmm, so Captain Satou was his name. He had a square chin, narrow eyes, a craggy nose, and overall conveyed the earnestness of a down-home country kid. He wore the JSDF uniform well. I had seen him before, like at the soccer tournament and when dealing with the dragon, but I realized I had never spoken to him. I knew him by appearance, but I would have hesitated to call him an acquaintance. And he was a captain—a pretty big deal, then.

  “That’s right,” Captain Satou said. “Our unit will take breaks by shifts.”

  “And how do you plan to spend your vacation, sir?”

  Captain Satou smirked. “Our unit is officially posted to the Middle East for PKO, so we could hardly go back to Japan. There must be some tourist sites here in Eldant. We have our magic rings, so language won’t be a problem.” He held up his hand to display the ring he was wearing.

  These rings were a crucial part of how we Japanese communicated (telepathically, that is) with the people of the Eldant Empire. Two people both wearing magic rings could be speaking different languages—Japanese and the local tongue, for example—and the rings would “translate” everything instantly.

  I was wearing such a ring myself, and the JSDF forces dispatched to Eldant got them as well. They also functioned as a status symbol, and people wearing them were treated—not quite as nobles, but certainly better than the average commoner. Within the borders of the empire, the soldiers wouldn’t have any trouble doing some sightseeing.

  “So there you have it,” Matoba-san said. “I’ll send around a memo tomorrow or the next day detailing who will be off when. How you spend your time off is of course up to you. Spread your wings, my dear Koganuma-kun.”

  “Yes, sir. ...............Spread my wings...?” It was a weird order, coming from a superior. “I don’t know if that’s something I can do on command.”

  “By the way, Shinichi-kun, you should take a bit of a break as well.” It was an uncharacteristically considerate thing for Matoba-san to say to me. I wasn’t sure what could be behind it. I guess if I were to collapse from overwork, it wouldn’t make his life any easier.

  “How to spend vacation time,” I said, crossing my arms and looking thoughtful. “Usually vacation is a chance to refresh yourself, I guess. Refresh. Refresh...”

  “In Japan, it’s about time for beachgoing,” Captain Satou said, narrowing his eyes.

  “Beachgoing?” Petralka said suddenly, blinking. “That is it. Beachgoing!”

  “Huh?” I offered.

  “In an anime I saw recently, the protagonist suggested beachgoing to refresh himself. Is this not the basic method of restoring one’s spirits in Japan?”

  “Oh yeah,” I said, thinking back on the show Petralka had been watching. “That was the swimsuit episode, wasn’t it? I guess you always wind up with one of those eventually.”

  “‘Swimsuit episode’? What is that?”

  Petralka picked up immediately on an expression that I hadn’t given any thought. The loli(-ish) empress was, in her own way, hungrier than anyone in the nation for otaku culture.

  “Well, it’s, uh—that anime you were watching, Petralka, it was really aimed more at guys, so... And guys are like, uh, happy to see cute girls in swimsuits. And so, well, the show’s producers want their audience to be happy, so sometimes they include an episode where all the girl characters are in swimsuits. I guess you could say it’s just kind of the way things are done in the Japanese television or anime industry...”

  I was trying to explain the concept, but it was turning out to be remarkably difficult. Incidentally, the reason that Petralka’s magic ring wasn’t translating expressions like ‘beachgoing’ and ‘swimsuit episode’ was because her language lacked equivalent concepts. She was just using foreign expressions she had heard in her anime wholesale.

  “I see,” she said, “so this is your so-called ‘swimsu
it episode’?”

  “Yeah, that’s right.”

  “And do they make you happy too, Shinichi?”

  “Well, sure!” I exclaimed, clenching my fist. “Swimsuit episodes are an oasis for the heart! Even the grimmest, darkest stories can shore up viewers with a swimsuit episode, preparing them to endure whatever awful plot twist comes next! Any heroine ought to get at least one chance to shine in a—”

  “W-We don’t entirely follow. But they please you, is this not so?”

  “Absolutely!”

  “Very well.” Petralka gave an emphatic nod. “Then let us have our own ‘swimsuit episode’!”

  “Huh...?” I said stupidly. What was going through this crazy monarch’s loli head?

  “Thus we declare that we shall accompany you on your trip to the ocean!”

  “Wha... I... Ahh...”

  Personally, I had no reason to object to Petralka’s coming along. But she was the empress. Any time she went anywhere, it was likely to turn into a pretty big affair.

  “But wait,” Minori-san said with a puzzled look. “I thought there weren’t any oceans around here. Isn’t Eldant landlocked?”

  Oh yeah. She was right.

  There were no oceans in Eldant.

  That wasn’t to say there were no oceans in this entire world; just that Eldant didn’t border on any of them. Thus the idea of going to the ocean would have meant an excursion to a foreign country—and that would have brought its own challenges.

  But then she said, “I guess it doesn’t necessarily have to be an ocean.”

  “We have not been to the sea ourself,” Petralka said, but then added triumphantly, “but one of the royal retreats outside the capital does have a large lake. It is plenty big enough to swim in!”

  “There you have it, I guess, Minori-san.”

  “Sounds good to me.” I was actually a little surprised how quickly Minori-san got on board. “I’ll buy swimsuits for everyone—as a gift!”

  In fact, she was practically raring to go.

  Matoba-san and Captain Satou watched the scene with a touch of amusement.

  Looking back on it, this was when I should have started to suspect.

  I should have realized a nefarious plot was brewing behind the carefree conversation.

  It was a picture out of paradise itself.

  Beautiful women younger and older alike frolicked beside the lake. Granted, at the edge of my vision I could see the “bare butlers”—that is, the knights in their so-called swimsuits—but I chased them out of my consciousness and tried to focus entirely on all the glory I could see before my eyes.

  “Yah!” Minori-san gave a cheerful shout and gently smacked a yellow-and-white beach ball. It went sailing over toward Myusel.

  “Eh? Wha? T-To me?! Ohh, I—I’ve got it!” She flailed around a bit, but managed to hit the incoming ball. This was probably her first experience of playing a game like this, but nonetheless—whether because she had muscles, or just through sheer luck—the ball spiked up into the air and went flying again, this time toward Petralka.

  “Hrm? So now it is our turn!” She smacked the ball, which now headed for Elvia. She must not have hit it in quite the right place, because rather than bouncing up in the air, the ball went flying straight toward the other girl. It was not going to be easy to return. Normally, this was where the ball would drop to the ground and the volley would be over.

  But this was Elvia. A beast girl. Her reflexes and physical abilities were on a different level from the rest of us.

  Her tail stood straight up as she prepared to meet the incoming ball. And then...

  “Yarf!”

  In the blink of an eye, she made her move—but rather than hitting the ball, she launched herself into the air and wrapped all four of her limbs around it.

  “I can’t control myself!”

  “Ahhhh...” I let out a sigh as I watched her roll around in the sand with the ball. I might have guessed this would happen.

  “Elvia!” Petralka said sharply. “Will you not give back the ball!” Her female knights quickly moved to chase down the beast girl. But Elvia, still holding the ball, rolled away at a terrific pace (how this worked was something of a mystery), and they weren’t able to catch her.

  Elvia and other beast people like her are strongly influenced by the phase of the moon. For that reason, they’ve developed a unique religious outlook in which they treat the moon as effectively divine—a view that extends to anything round that reminds them of that celestial body.

  I suppose a yellow-and-white beach ball the perfect size for hugging to yourself does look a bit like the moon. It seemed like we had run afoul of Elvia’s instincts.

  “And after I said all those times that you would never get a game of beach volleyball going with Elvia involved,” I said.

  “But we couldn’t let Elvia-san be the only one left out,” Myusel said.

  In the end, the knights couldn’t catch Elvia; they gave up the chase while Elvia, covered in sand, happily played with the ball by herself.

  “How about another game, then?” Minori-san suggested. “Your Highness, Shinichi-kun, Myusel. How about watermelon busting?”

  “Watermelon busting?” I asked in surprise. “Did you bring any watermelons, Minori-san?”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Then she shouted in the direction of the beast girl, “Elvia! Come here a moment!”

  Elvia actually looked up when Minori-san shouted. “Yes? You want me?” Maybe she had played with the ball enough to restore some of her sanity.

  “Elvia,” Minori-san said, “could you dig a hole here big enough for a person to climb into?”

  “Not a problem! But... What are you gonna do with it?”

  “You’ll find out soon enough.”

  “Sure thing...”

  Elvia nodded, then began burrowing into the sand with tremendous energy. It was incredible. I had seen her dig before, but the speed always staggered me. If you asked her to dig a trench, she could probably out-race an earth mover.

  We watched in astonishment as a hole, comfortably big enough for a person, appeared before our eyes.

  “How’s this?” Elvia asked.

  “Thanks, Elvia,” Minori-san said. “All right, Shinichi-kun, you’re up next. Would you be so kind as to get in the hole?”

  “You want me to get in the hole.”

  “Uh-huh. Come on, get down there.”

  “Hmm...”

  I didn’t know what she was up to, but for the time being I decided to play along and climbed obediently into the pit. Where...

  “Oooh...!”

  My view was now, to use a technical term, an up shot of the various beautiful women around me! From this low angle, the curves of their thighs and above all the swell of their busts were brought out to mind-boggling effect! Ahh! Even Petralka boasted that modest but unmistakable rise and fall! Amazing! Incredible! Minori-san, what a gift you’ve given me...!

  Etc., etc.

  “Huh?”

  As I was busy admiring the women, they had come up and begun piling sand around me. I felt the hole filling in like a rising tide...

  “What are you guys doing?! Why are you burying me?!”

  “Why, you ask?” the loli empress said loftily as she piled in some more sand. “It can only be in preparation for watermelon busting, can it not?”

  “I—I don’t see how this is—”

  “Watermelon busting,” Petralka said, crossing her arms, “is an old Ja-panese custom when at the beach in summer, in which a criminal’s head is compared to the fruit known as a watermelon and is then broken open—is this not the case? The name comes from the red color when the head is smashed, which looks much like—”

  “No! That’s wrong! Who taught you that ridiculous misinformation?!”

  “It’s not ridiculous or misinformation,” Minori-san said with perfect poise.

  “I should have known you were behind this, you rotten WAC!” I howled, looking up at her with
tears in my eyes.

  It was well past the moment when I might have been able to run away. The sand was already up to my neck.

  “Well, look, Shinichi,” Minori-san said, chortling as if she hadn’t had a hand in this. “It’s not like we’re using a katana or anything. I promise you won’t die.”

  “I better not!”

  “Here, I have a watermelon hat for you to wear.”

  “I don’t want any watermelon hat! And what’s with that huge stick in your other hand?”

  I spotted the weapon Minori-san was holding and pointed—or rather, because I couldn’t do that anymore, glared angrily at it.

  No matter how you sliced it, that was a club. The classic starting weapon of so many RPGs. It was such low-level equipment that many people ridiculed it, but looking at it another way, it was what you got instead of a steel sword—and if you swung it hard enough, it could be plenty dangerous.

  “You’ll be fine. Even watermelons don’t break that easily in this game.”

  “And what if you’re wrong?!” I cried, but with both my arms buried, there wasn’t much I could offer by way of resistance.

  And so it was that a green-and-black striped hat was shoved over my head.

  “Huh! You make a pretty convincing watermelon, Shinichi-kun.”

  “Minori-san, I thought you were supposed to be my bodyguard! How can you justify—”

  “Today’s my day off.”

  “Ahhhhhhhh crap, you’re right!”

  Okay, this conversation was getting kind of stupid. But then...

  “Shinichi-sama...”

  A dark shadow fell across the only head I had left on this planet.

  “Shinichi-sama... I just... You’re really...”

  It was Elvia. Her obsession with round things had relented briefly, but I could tell from her voice that it was back now.

  “Shinichi-sama, your head... Your head...!”