The OUT OF LINE Series

by Jen McLaughlin

  We walked to the door in silence, her hand entwined with mine. As I opened the door, I had to let go so I could wheel out my luggage. She picked up my laptop bag and slung it over her shoulder, and I let her because I could tell she wanted to help.

  And if that’s what it took to make her feel better, then so be it.

  Carrie

  I wanted to punch myself in the face right now. Anything to keep the tears at bay. I’d lectured myself so many times last night not to cry when he left, but it was getting harder and harder with each step we took toward him leaving. He didn’t need to see me panicking and blubbering as he walked away.

  He needed to see me standing there—strong and steady and sure. When he left, I could break down, but not a second before.

  I straightened my shoulders and thought of anything I could think of besides the fact that my heart was being ripped out of my chest. My upcoming flight home. The lasagna last night. The way he’d held me all night long as if he didn’t want to let go…

  No. I shouldn’t think of that.

  Bad idea.

  I followed him out the door, staring straight ahead and not meeting him in the eye. If I looked at him and he looked sad, I’d lose it. A black government-looking vehicle sat by the curb, right behind my car, its hazard lights flashing. That must be the car that would take him away to…wherever he was going.

  I wasn’t allowed to know. Stupid, stupid rules.

  As we climbed down the stairs, each step felt heavier. Longer. Because each step we took would take us to that car that would spirit Finn away. I hated that freaking car with a passion. It represented everything I couldn’t deal with right now.

  We reached the bottom of the stairs and Finn set his suitcase on its wheels, then reached for my hand. I clung to it, knowing it was the last time I’d be able to do so until next year. He was my person. My rock.

  What was I going to do without him here?

  “You hanging in there, Ginger?” he asked, watching me with a furrowed brow. “If you want to go back up, it might be easier. Saying goodbye is never easy.”

  “It’s not goodbye,” I reminded him, smiling through the pain. “It’s see ya later.”

  “Right,” he said, his voice coming out rough. Oh God, if he cracked, I’d freaking lose it. Like, the nuclear warfare level of losing it. “I knew that.”

  We stopped at the side of the car and the trunk popped open. Finn wheeled his suitcase to the back and put it inside, then held his hand out for his laptop bag. I handed it off to him, our fingers brushing. He set the bag inside and shut the trunk with a clunk.

  The sun was just starting to lighten the sky with tiny little tendrils of grayish-pink, and the birds around us were silent—still sleeping in their nests. It was just us and the guy in the car. And we…

  We were out of time.

  I held my arms open, and he closed me in his embrace, hugging me so tight he might have cracked a rib. I didn’t care. He could take the freaking thing with him as long as he came home safe and sound. I cupped his cheeks and kissed him hard, squeezing my eyes shut so I didn’t cry.

  Not yet. Not now…

  He pulled back and looked down at me, his bright blue eyes grave. Gone was the dancing blue eyes I loved so much. He looked sad, scared, and alone.

  “Hey, none of that,” I said, using his own words back on him. “I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back, and it’ll be over before we know it.” I looked down at my hands on him, willing them to let go. To let him go. But my fists tightened on his shirt even as I told myself I had to do it. “Stay safe and write to me as much as possible, okay? And Skype if you can.”

  “I promise,” he whispered, kissing me one last time. “See ya later, Ginger.”

  I forced a smile and let go. As he walked away, I wrapped my arms around myself and smiled at him so big that my cheeks were about to fall off. When he got to the car and opened the door, he looked back at me one more time.

  I widened my smile even more and called out, “Hey, look. The sun’s about to shine.”

  “Yeah.” He looked up at the sky and let out a small laugh. “Yeah, it is.”

  With one last look at me, he got in the car and shut the door. The guy driving waited all of two-point-two seconds before he pulled away from the curb. A few seconds later, the car turned around the corner…and my Finn was gone.

  As if in a trance, I turned around and walked back up the steps to his apartment. I’d go home later this morning, but right now I needed to be here. With him. Even if he wasn’t here, it still smelled like him and his stuff was here and I needed to be, too.

  I walked inside, shut the door behind me, and walked to his bed, my eyes barely blinking. As I passed the closet, I bent over and picked up one of his dirty shirts from the floor. Finn never left dirty shirts laying around, so it was like a bonus find. I held it to my face, breathed in deeply, and fell back into the bed.

  I rolled onto my side, but on his side of the bed because I swore I could feel him there, his shirt pressed to my face. He was gone. Actually, truly gone. What was I going to do without him here, teasing me and loving me?

  And now that he was gone, I could finally break down and feel the things that had been trying to kill me since he told me he was leaving.

  Fear. Anger. Resentment. Fear. Love. Sadness. Fear.

  It all crashed down on me, hard and fast, and I burst into tears. The pain and numbness—yeah, I knew that didn’t make any sense—spread from my heart on out, slowly taking over my legs and arms. Even my fingers and my toes. I couldn’t feel anything except the absence of Finn, and the fear he wouldn’t come home.

  I clung to Finn’s shirt as if it alone had the power to make me feel better. It didn’t. The only thing that would make me feel better was Finn, and he was gone. Just…gone.

  What was I supposed to do with that?

  A few days later, someone knocked on my dorm door, and I put my history book aside, climbed out of bed, and answered it. Marie wasn’t here, and I was catching up on some studying I’d been severely behind on lately. I had been missing Finn and crying myself to sleep.

  It was the weekend, and I’d been dragging myself around with less than an hour of sleep per night for almost a week. Tonight I might break down and take a Nyquil or something that would knock me flat on my back. This no-sleep stuff was for the birds.

  But first, I had to open the door.

  I yawned, covering my mouth, and swung the door open. As soon as I could see who stood in the hallway, I cringed inwardly. It was Cory. He smiled at me and smoothed his light blue polo. “Hey, Carrie.”

  “Oh.” I forced a smile. “Hey.”

  “We haven’t talked in a while, so I thought I’d stop by.” He paused. “Can I come in?”

  I hesitated. Cory was harmless and all, but it felt wrong to invite him in when Finn wasn’t here. “I don’t know. I’m kind of a mess right now.”

  “You look fine to me.” He looked me up and down, taking in my gray sweatpants and pink T-shirt. “What’s wrong? You look upset.”

  That’s because I was upset. Finn was gone. “It’s been a rough couple of days.” I stepped out of the way and let him in. “You can stay if you want, but I’m just studying. Nothing too exciting.”

  “Want to study and eat?” He looked at my open book, then at my bed. “You look like you could use a good meal. Or we could go do something fun for a change.”

  I stood in front of my bed. Should I sit down on it, or would that be weird? “I already ate. And I told you, I have to study.”

  “When’s the last time you did something besides hang out with your boyfriend or study?” Cory asked. “I never see you around anymore. You don’t go to parties or mixers. Don’t hang out with any of us. It’s like you don’t exist.”

  I smoothed my hair self-consciously. Marie had been telling me I needed to go out and socialize, too, but I hadn’t been in the mood. Was that so bad? What if Finn called when I was out? Or if he emailed me and…


  Oh my God. I’d become one of those girls without even realizing it. I’d turned into a shell of the person I’d been. “I’ve been busy,” I said a bit defensively.

  “I know. We all have been, but we’re about to all go home for the holidays. Wouldn’t you like to have some fun first?”

  I pictured Finn’s face. He wouldn’t like me going out with Cory. But he was here, and he had a point. I’d been a bit of a hermit. “I have a boyfriend.”

  “I know.” He rubbed his stomach in a distracted manner. “I remember him quite well, actually. I’m not going to hit on you or anything. We’ll just go out and eat.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “We can do something fun, you know.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. “Marie is going skateboarding with some guy she met the other week, at a place down the road. Want to meet up with her? That way it’s not just the two of us.”

  Crap. Skateboarding. I’d forgotten that’s what she was doing tonight. No wonder she kept trying to get me to come. I’d already said I would. It would be safer, too, since Marie was there. Going out alone with Cory felt wrong. “You know what? Let’s do it. Let me get changed.”

  He grinned and sat down on Marie’s bed. “I’ll wait here.”

  “Okay.” I dug through my clothes and pulled out jeans and a green shirt. “How long of a walk is it? Or should we drive?”

  “Driving would be quicker.”

  “Give me five.”

  I left the room and headed into the communal bathroom, shutting a stall door behind me. Pulling out my phone, I texted Marie and confirmed she was skateboarding. Next I texted Hernandez—even though his name was Joseph, I could never remember to call him that.

  Finn called him Hernandez, so I did. Going skateboarding.

  He wrote back right away. What is this, high school? And with who?

  Marie and some other friends. Cory too.

  Coram hates him.

  I rolled my eyes. Yeah. I know. But it’s fine.

  All right. I’m outside.

  I set down my phone, got dressed, and fixed my appearance a little. I was out in less than five minutes. As I breezed back into my room, I called out, “Ready?”

  “Yeah.” Cory stood up. “And Carrie?”

  I picked up my keys. “Yeah?”

  “I know who you really are.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Just wanted to put that out there.”

  I blinked at him. “What are you saying?”

  “Carrie Wallington. Daughter of Senator Wallington, who is pro—”

  I held up a hand, my heart thumping in my ears so loudly I could barely think. This wasn’t good at all. If he knew, he held the power in our relationship. He could do anything he wanted, and I wouldn’t be able to stop him. I swallowed hard. “When did you figure it out?”

  “When they came to visit. I saw you out at the sushi place with them. I realized who he was, and I put two and two together.” He shrugged. “Plus, you had security following you while they were here.”

  I closed my eyes. Dad and his stupid insecurities ruining everything. Now I had a potential blackmail situation on my hands. “Did you tell anyone?”

  “No, of course not,” he said, looking at me as if I’d hurt his feelings. “I wouldn’t do that. You didn’t tell me, or anyone else that I know of, so why would I do it for you?”

  I studied him. He looked as if he actually meant it…for now. Would that hold true over the next four years? Maybe even more, if we went to the same grad school. I’d have to tread carefully from now on.

  I gave him a small smile, trying to hide my suspicion behind a calm façade. If he knew I was freaking out, he would know how much power he held over me. “Thank you. I don’t want people knowing about it.”

  “I figured.” He took his hands out of his pockets and opened the door for me. “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

  I looked over my shoulder at him, trying to look as if I believed him one hundred percent when I so didn’t. “All right. Let’s go skateboarding.”

  Finn

  I leaned back against the cracked wall, my computer on my lap. It was the first night in a while we were actually in a hotel instead of a fucking tent or some other shithole. This building was hardly the Ritz or anything, but it had walls and a roof and minimal bugs. I’d take it.

  Plus, it had Wi-Fi. Fuck, I’d missed Wi-Fi.

  I logged into my email, immediately opening Carrie’s latest one. It was from last night at about midnight her time. I waited for the words to load, tapping my finger on my knee the whole time.

  Hey Susan,

  I hope you’re doing well. Guess what? I went out last night, despite my melancholy mood. You would’ve been proud of me. I went skateboarding—yes, skateboarding—with Marie, Cory, and a bunch of friends. I didn’t even fall off…a lot.

  Can you believe that?

  When you get home, we should go. You’d like it.

  Well, it’s after midnight and I’m sore and tired. Wear sunglasses today. I hear the sun is shining really bright.

  Carrie

  I closed my eyes and grinned, picturing her skateboarding with a big smile on her face. Not even the fact that she’d gone with Golden Boy could ruin my happiness for her. She was out living, even without me, and that made me happy.

  I didn’t think anything would make me happy in this shithole I was stuck in.

  I pulled her picture out from underneath my pillow. The one I’d taken outside of my apartment a few days before I’d left. I ran my finger over the smooth surface and swallowed hard. Sometimes I wished I hadn’t taken this offer. I could have been the one skateboarding with her. I could be holding her in my arms right now.

  Shaking my head, I set her picture down and typed a quick reply. I only had two hours of down time, and I needed to catch some fucking zzz’s.

  Carrie,

  Skateboarding, huh? That sounds fun…for a thirteen-year-old. ;)

  I’m doing well here. Sunning every day. You won’t even recognize me when I get home. That’s how dark I’m getting in all this bright sunshine.

  Get some sleep.

  Susan

  The door opened and I looked up. It was my roommate for the night, my superior, Eric Dotter. He rubbed his eyes and flung himself on to the bed next to mine. “Jesus, I’ve never been so fucking tired in my life.”

  I hit send and looked down at the twenty other emails I had—some from Dad, some from Hernandez—and sighed. I couldn’t leave it open and disturb Dotter. “I hear ya, sir.” I closed the lid to my laptop and set it aside. “I could sleep three days straight and not even roll over.”

  “I could do five.” Dotter yawned, long and drawn out. “Nope. Make it six.”

  I settled back against the pillows, my hand going out to the spot Carrie was supposed to be. The bed felt foreign and empty. This wasn’t where I was supposed to be, damn it. “Yeah, me too.”

  “We’re going even deeper into the desert tomorrow than we did yesterday.” Dotter heaved a long sigh. “Can you believe her? She’s got a death wish.”

  “Yeah, and she’s going to drag us all down with her.” I tucked Carrie’s picture under my pillow. “We’ve got almost two hours left. I’ll catch you on the flip side of our night.”

  Dotter chuckled. “Good night.”

  “Night,” I replied.

  I laid there, looking up at the dark ceiling for a few minutes, willing my brain to shut down. It finally did, as Dotter’s soft snores filled the room. But that’s not what I heard as I drifted off. No, I heard Carrie’s soft laughter as she climbed the rock wall on that day that felt like a year ago.

  And I fell asleep with a smile on my face, despite the hell I was in.

  I leaned back against the car seat, my eyes focused out the window. Hernandez was driving me to the airport so I wouldn’t have to leave my car there, and all I could do was sit there listlessly.

  It had been close to two weeks now. Two weeks wit
h no Finn.

  I was absolutely miserable.

  I kept going out of my way to live my life like normal. To not be one of those girls who was miserable because her boyfriend was gone. But my boyfriend wasn’t away on a vacation or visiting home. He was away getting shot at or attacked.

  I had nightmares about it every night, and I barely slept.

  I’d tried to fill my days with activities. I’d studied. I’d even rock climbed and dragged Marie there with me. We’d skateboarded again a few times for fun, drank more coffee than was healthy, and even gone out dancing a few times.

  Yeah. Me. Dancing.

  Finn would never believe it, even though I told him every day what I did.

  He always wrote back with encouragement and enthusiasm about my activities, but I felt almost guilty telling him the things I was up to.

  While he worked, I danced and drank coffee. How was that fair?

  Hernandez cleared his throat. “I heard from Coram last night.”

  “Oh yeah?” I sat up straight. “What did he say?”

  “He thanked me for watching you and threatened my life if I failed in my job of protecting you.” He shot me a grin. “You know, the usual.”

  I rolled my eyes. “He wouldn’t actually kill you. He likes you too much.”

  “Um, I think he likes you more.” He chuckled. “I don’t kiss him or fu—” He broke off, his cheeks going red. “Well, you know.”

  “You can say dirty words in front of me,” I said, my tone dry. He reminded me of how Finn was before we connected—all cautious and reserved. Ah, who was I kidding? He had never been cautious around me. “I won’t tell my dad.”

  “I’m more worried about you telling Coram. I don’t want him getting the wrong idea. You know?”

  Like what? That we were flirting?