Lean On Me (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  “Oh fuck off,” I muttered to myself, not knowing or caring who it was. But then came his voice…

  “Rach?” Jared called. His voice was clear and so I could tell he was shouting through the letterbox. “Please, Rachel – I have something to show you!”

  “Unless it’s a doctor’s appointment card I’m not interested!” I yelled back, making my way back into the living room so I could hear him better. He didn’t shout back, choosing to ring my phone instead. My phone was stuffed into the cup of my bra – what? It makes a perfect pocket - so, I plucked it out and swiped across the screen to answer, but didn’t speak.

  “Rachel,” he breathed, exhaling in what I imagined was relief that I answered. “We can’t go on like this. I love you. More than anything. We have to talk about this!”

  “I love you too, Jared. Which is why I can’t stand to live the rest of my life worrying about you!”

  “But you don’t need to worry! I wish you could see that I’ve got this under control. I promise you, baby. I told you I would prove to you how much you mean to me – that you could trust me. I meant it, Rachel. Which is why if you come to your window, you’ll see for yourself.”

  Wheeling myself to the window, I took a deep breath before I opened the curtains. I know Jared, which means I know he has the thought process of a fifteen year old sometimes. This should be interesting…

  Peeling back the beige drapes, my eyes were met with a naked arse pressed up against the glass.

  “What the…” A tattoo? Jared had gotten a tattoo. Right in the centre of his left arse cheek. Granted, it was a glorious looking cheek, but seriously?

  “That’s your way of proving I can trust you?” I blared. “A fucking tattoo?”

  “It’s a saffron flower,” he announced like that would make complete sense to me and I would open my door and kiss him.

  “I can see that,” I replied, unable to stare at anything except the vivid purple flower etched into the fleshy skin still pressed against my window. “Pull your pants up before someone sees you!”

  “I will if you let me in,” he bartered, craning his neck to look at me through the glass.

  “Fine! Just cover yourself up!”

  He was still in the process of doing up his zipper when I opened the door to him.

  “What the hell, Jared?” It wasn’t really a question. More… exasperation.

  “You mean everything to me, Rachel,” he began, following me over to the sofa. I hitched myself over onto it and Jared sat down beside me. “You’re my saffy. Forever. Just like the tattoo.”

  “The tattoo on your arse. You know most people would go for across the heart if they were trying to make a good impression.”

  “But that’s not us, saffy. We didn’t get together through hearts and flowers. We were mates first. We were all about the fun. Being carefree, laughing together, living in the moment. You will always have my heart and I will buy out every florist in the south if it shows you how much I love you, but I don’t ever want that to change. I don’t ever want us to be taken over by all the soppy shit. You’re my best friend, Rach. My wacky and wonderful best friend and I want it to stay that way above everything else.”

  “This isn’t about proving you love me. I know you do.”

  “Then what is it about?”

  “You know damn well the answer to that!” I snapped at him.

  “You don’t know what you’re asking of me, Rach. I can’t… I can’t do it.”

  “No, Jared. You won’t do it. I’ve thought about nothing else this past few days and I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable wanting you to be well again.”

  “I am well. You’re overreacting.”

  “BULLSHIT! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “I’m scared alright?” he barked, jumping to his feet and ripping his fingers through his hair. “I’m fucking terrified!”

  “Jared,” I said, my anger melting. “Sit back down. I’m here. You don’t need to be scared of anything.”

  “I can’t do what you’re asking,” he said firmly, shaking his head.

  “You can. Because I’ll be with you. It’s not a big deal. Thousands of people go through it. A few pills, Jared… that’s probably all it will take and you’ll never have to go through it again. Isn’t that what you want?”

  “Look I’ll think about it, okay? That’s all I can give you right now. Please, you have to stop pushing me!”

  “No. It’s not okay! We’re having a baby, Jared. We have a few months to get ourselves sorted and ready for that. Or have you forgotten that part?”

  “Of course I haven’t forgotten! I’ve never been so damn happy about anything in my life.”

  “Then why are you keeping this up? I get it – you’re afraid. But it’s time to grow the fuck up and put this baby before your own feelings dammit!”

  Jared fixed his eyes onto a small stain in the carpet. They were reddening around the edges and they took longer to open with each blink he took.

  “You know what, Jared. Just… go home.”

  “No. I’m not leaving until you tell me we’re going to be okay.”

  “We are going to be okay. I know we are because I know you’ll do the right thing. I know you love me, Jared and that’s why I know once you realise you’re not alone with this anymore, you’ll find the courage to get the help you need.”

  “Rach I can’t promise y-”

  “Go home, Jared. Go home and think. Find the strength you need and then come and find me.”

  “Rachel I-”

  “Go.”

  Nodding solemnly, he backed up towards the door.

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “No, Jared. I want you. I want our baby. I want those things without this fear looming over us. And I know once you sit down and think about it, I mean really think instead of plotting stupid ways to prove a point, then I’ll get that. We will get that.”

  “I hope so,” he murmured unsurely.

  “I know so.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jared

  She doesn’t understand. My uncle Trev, my mum’s brother, was treated for epilepsy for five years before they found out what was wrong with him. Doctors are so quick these days to palm you off with medication, and because it seemed to work for him, stopped the seizures, they stopped investigating. Five years later? Dead. Brain tumour. By the time they found it, it had already eaten half of his brain. He was dead less than a month later.

  Cancer. Sometimes it’s hereditary. I know this because you pick things up being the kid of doctor parents. Everyone’s always said I look like Uncle Trev, so chances are if he were going to pass something down to anyone, it’d be me.

  I fucking hate Mick right now. He’s ruined everything. I should’ve been with Rachel now, rubbing her belly, arguing over names, planning what colour to decorate the nursery or how the fuck I was going to break the news to my parents. Well, Jess better not think she’s getting out of it for much longer. If they’re going to know about my baby, then they’re sure as shit going to know about hers. Almost three months she’s known for, and she still hasn’t plucked up enough courage to bite the bullet and tell anyone.

  Anyway, I wasn’t doing any of that. I wasn’t cooing over baby clothes, planning our future or making the most of Rachel’s swollen tits… No. I was driving aimlessly around the city with the worst mother fucking headache I’ve ever had the misfortune to experience, not knowing what the hell life was going to throw at me next.

  That’s when it happened. That’s when I realised the throb in my head and the ache in my muscles weren’t from lack of sleep, frustration or pure desperation… Just as I’ve always feared – I’m not in control. This ‘thing’ holds all the power.

  My vision began to blur and the grip my fingers had on the steering wheel grew weaker. I slowly raised my right foot off the accelerator but I was in right lane in the middle of a dual carriageway surrounded by cars doing 70mph. There was no way I could pul
l over here so I put my hazard lights on and prayed the other drivers would part to enough to let me through to the verge.

  My vision had disappeared completely by the time I heard the brash and persistent sound of what must’ve been ten horns. And then when my ears caught the violent crunch of metal, and I felt the burn of shattered glass spray over my face, I gave into the darkness and lost all consciousness.

  The last thing I remember before that, is praying to a God I’ve never believed in, that I would get to see Rachel again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Rachel

  The call came two hours after Jared had left. Or rather, since I told him to leave. Remind me why I did that again? Because right now I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself. I knew he shouldn’t be driving. I’d done nothing but try and ram that fact into his stupid, stubborn brain since I found out. So why, when I knew that, did I tell him to leave, knowing he would be getting straight into his car?

  It was Jared’s sister Jessica who called. She and her parents were with Jared in the A&E department of King’s College hospital after getting a call informing them Jared had been involved in a road traffic accident. At the time she phoned, Jared was in theatre having his lung repaired - apparently it was punctured by a fractured rib.

  My heart was in my mouth when I entered the family waiting room. I spotted Jess immediately. I’d only met her briefly once before but she is Jared with longer hair and a smaller frame so there was no mistaking her.

  “How is he?” I blurted out the second I was close enough for her to hear me.

  “He’s just out of theatre. Everything went as it should. We haven’t been allowed to see him yet, but the doctor said he’s been very lucky. Apart from the lung puncture and a couple of broken ribs, he got away with just a few cuts and bruises.”

  “Thank God,” I breathed out, exhaling for what felt like the first time in an hour. Then I noticed the strategically placed box of tissues sitting on the table beside me and I couldn’t help wonder about the terrible news these walls must have heard over the years.

  “I believe congratulations are in order,” she went on to whisper, bending down as if she were making sure only I could hear. For the record, we were the only two people in the room. I looked up at her with a questioning eyebrow. “Jared told me about the baby. He’s so excited. Seriously, I’ve never seen him so happy.” Well, fuck… now I was crying. “Hey, he’s going to be okay,” Jess added, rubbing my shoulder.

  “We argued. I made him leave this morning,” I confessed. “This is all my fault.”

  “Hey,” she cooed. “It was an accident. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. We don’t even know what happened yet. My colleagues are talking to the driver of the van involved right now. They’ll let me know immediately what they find. Perk of the job,” she winked.

  My first thought was that Jared had lost consciousness at the wheel, but that was immediately followed by his insistence that he always gets a warning. But really, in that moment I didn’t care what had happened. I just wanted to see him.

  “Good. That’s good,” I replied, not knowing what else to say. “The other driver… is he okay?”

  “Broken wrist, bruising to the chest and a swollen eye. Could’ve been worse.”

  “Are you scared, Jessica? About having a baby I mean,” I asked out of nowhere. Having her there, knowing she understood, was kind of a relief.

  “Petrified,” she answered honestly. In some ways it comforted me – knowing she felt the same way I do. But in another breath, it made me feel a thousand times worse. She’s further on into her pregnancy than I am, and I have been hoping the fear would fade eventually. Hearing Jessica’s reply makes me think that might not happen any time soon. Rendered a little speechless, I watched curiously as Jessica started rifling through her handbag. A few seconds later she pulled out a white card with a cartoon stalk printed on it. “But seeing this,” she breathed, sighing almost dreamily as she handed me the card. “This makes that fear go away.”

  Stapled inside the card was a scan picture.

  “This is your baby?” I asked in amazement. Then I continued to stare at it, trying to figure out which grey splodge belonged to what part of the baby.

  “Yeah. I’m fourteen weeks along they told me. This right here is an arm,” she pointed out, leaning down and tapping her finger on a grey squiggle. “And that right there is its head.”

  “This is…” I took a moment to regain my breath. I might not have been able to tell what went where but still, this was a baby. Jessica’s baby. A baby that was growing right next to me in her belly. “Amazing,” I eventually managed to say.

  “I know. And you’ll have your own one of these soon,” she said with a smile, taking the card from me and giving it a little wave in the air before putting it back in her bag.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes after that. I was thinking of the little human growing inside me and I wondered if Jess was doing the same. Then something else, or rather someone else popped unwilling into my mind.

  “Where are your parents?” This situation sure as hell wasn’t how I imagined our first meeting to be.

  “My dad’s been watching in during Jared’s surgery and Mum’s talking through his medical history with one of the nurses.” Then, as if by magic, Jared’s parents strolled into the room. I only knew they were his parents because Jess threw herself into her mother’s arms the second she saw her.

  “It’s family only,” his father muttered with a scowl. Well whaddya know? I hated the fucker already.

  “She is family, Alistair,” his mum scolded, before tutting and smiling apologetically at me. “You must be Rachel,” she went on, reaching down to take my hand. I nodded and offered my hand out to shake but instead she clasped it in hers and squeezed gently before letting it go. “I’m Sue and this is Alistair,” she introduced, signalling towards her husband with a nod of the head.

  “Can we see him yet?” Jessica asked, flitting her eyes between both of her parents.

  “Not yet. But soon hopefully,” Sue answered.

  “Derrick will be fetching us when his anaesthesia wears off,” Alistair added. I know his father works at this hospital, so I assumed Derrick was one of his doctor friends.

  Have you ever experienced an awkward silence? You know the type I mean – where you’re eyes dart around the room not knowing what to land on. Where you flick through a magazine and fake read, and hope you don’t look as uncomfortable as you feel. Or where you cough, rub your nose or pick imaginary lint off your clothes just to try and look busy…

  Yeah – shit isn’t it? And that’s exactly what the fifteen minutes spent waiting for news on Jared was like.

  “Derrick, my friend,” Alistair greeted when the grey-haired doctor opened the door to the waiting room. “How is he?”

  “Stable. Surgery went well as you know and I foresee no lasting damage. The police are waiting outside. I’ve told them-”

  “The police?” I interrupted. Alistair rolled his eyes at me. Yep, you read that right. The obnoxious old fucker looked at me like I was thicker than the crack in a lump of dog shit.

  “It’s standard procedure,” Sue answered in a friendly tone. God knows why the hell she married such a miserable dickhole. Even his face, with its wrinkled forehead and permanent frown, reminds me of a scrotum with a nasty case of genital warts. “They just want to find out what happened, that’s all. A few questions will likely be all they’ll have for him.”

  “Thank you, Sue,” I said with a grateful smile – accentuating her name to act as a verbal slap to Alistair’s face. Tosser.

  “Well thank you, Derrick. Sue?” Alistair said, cocking his head towards the door for her to follow.

  “Um, actually, Al… he’s asking for his young lady over there.”

  Ha! Screw you, motherfucker! Immature? Maybe… But the only issue I had with that thought as I wheeled past Alistair with a smug grin on my face, was that I didn’t say it out loud. Seriously, you should�
�ve seen how pissed off he looked. Fucking priceless. Where’s a camera when you need one, eh?

  I could hear frustrated whispers swamping the small room before I’d even fully reached the corridor outside. I felt superior for only a second because as soon as the balding doctor closed the door behind us, Jared’s parents were suddenly insignificant. All that mattered now was getting to Jared’s side as quickly as possible.

  Two corridors and a lift big enough for twenty people later, Derrick – Alistair’s doctor friend – pushed open the heavy doors to Jared’s side-room and I wheeled eagerly past him.

  “Jesus,” I exhaled at the sight of him. Jared was lying in a half-upright position and cocooned in a thick white sheet. His left eye was black and swollen, he had a thick, stitched cut slashed diagonally down his right cheek, the muscles of his chest were a rich, marbled purple and he had cannulas poking out of both hands. As soon as he saw me he looked up with a small, painful looking smile. “What the hell happened, Jaz?”

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered, sighing as he stared down at the mattress. I moved closer to him and put my brakes on when I’d lined myself up with the side of his bed. “I should’ve listened to you.”

  “Wait…what? Are you saying you had one of your seizures? Is that what caused the crash?” His guilt-ridden eyes made contact with mine for the briefest of seconds before he closed them and nodded slowly. “Fucking hell, Jared you could’ve killed somebody!” As soon as I’d yelled the words I mentally told myself to calm down. Looking at his damaged body before me and seeing the sorrow in his eyes, I realised he’d had enough punishment.

  “I know. I just… didn’t see this one coming. Even though that was the one thing I’d literally just promised you would never happen. Ironic, huh?”

  “Let’s go with stupid.”

  “I’ve told the doctor though. I’m going to sort this, Rach, I promise you.”