To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  “I asked you to stop and you didn’t. Only when I walked away did you realize how important it was to me.”

  “I did stop,” I argued. “But then I had a bad night. Please don’t hold that against me.”

  “It’s hard not to when you yell and scream at me.”

  “Again, I’m sorry. I haven’t had a single drink since you left me, but I’ll still go to counseling if that’s what you prefer. I’m making every possible effort to give you what you want. Please, see my sincerity.”

  Sometimes it looked like she was going to cave, but then she changed her mind again. “No. I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you so cold?”

  “Cold?” she asked. “Why were you so cold when I begged you to stop? When I asked you to confide in me?”

  “I was just out of my mind. Silke, you have no idea how it feels to lose someone. If you lost your mom, we both know you’d be a wreck.”

  “Of course I would. But I wouldn’t treat you like shit.”

  “How do you know?” I demanded. “You’ve never had a hard day in your life. I’m not saying that to be a dick. I’m saying that because it’s true.”

  She turned away like she was going to storm off.

  I grabbed her by the arm and yanked her back. “Stay with me.” My hand dug into her hair and I kissed her, giving her everything I had. “I can’t live without you. Do you understand me?” I breathed into her mouth and felt her tears fall to her cheeks.

  I wiped them away with my thumbs then looked her in the eye. “Silke, give me one more chance. I’ve grown so much in the past few months. Please don’t throw this away.”

  She breathed hard then closed her eyes.

  “Baby, come on.”

  “You’re the one who threw us away.” She yanked my hands down. “Not me.”

  My entire body felt frozen.

  She turned on her heel and walked away, leaving me standing there alone.

  Chapter Six

  Skye

  From the moment I woke up that morning, something didn’t feel right. I had a distant nausea within my stomach. When I turned a certain way it was particularly painful. But it came and went, so I just assumed it was a side effect of being pregnant. I still got morning sickness once in a while so I assumed this was a product of that.

  Cayson noticed during breakfast. “You okay, baby?”

  “Yeah, I’m just tired.” I didn’t tell him about my aches and pains because it would worry him for no reason.

  “You want me to stay home today?” he asked. “I can take care of you.”

  “No, that’s totally unnecessary.” I eyed him in his suit and tie. His shoulders were massive, and his fair face had beautiful blue eyes. Sometimes I couldn’t believe he was my husband, that the man I married was an Abercrombie and Fitch model.

  “Call me if you need anything.” He placed his dirty dish in the sink then gave me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

  “Okay.”

  “Love you.”

  I loved hearing those words, no matter how often he said them. “I love you too.”

  He pulled my chair out effortlessly then leaned down and kissed my stomach. “I love you too, little man.”

  I smiled while I watched his affectionate ways.

  When he stood up he gave me a final kiss. “I want to see you in lingerie when I get home.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “So?”

  “That’s not sexy.”

  “We obviously have different definitions of sexy.”

  ***

  I didn’t feel well all day. The pains and aches came and went, but the nausea was always present. I was too exhausted to do anything other then lie on the couch. I tried to read but the pain was too distracting. I eventually went to sleep but I constantly tossed and turned.

  By the time Cayson got off work, I was even more uncomfortable. When he walked through the door I decided I would tell him. When I had morning sickness it passed before lunch, and the other aches and pains weren’t constant.

  I was starting to think something was wrong.

  When Cayson came home, he set his satchel by the door. “Baby, I’m home.”

  I stood up and waddled to the entryway. But with every step I took I felt more uncomfortable. The pain started to become unbearable. “Cayson…I…” The world started to become blurry and I could hardly see. I felt something rip down below, and liquid stream down my thighs.

  “Skye!”

  I felt myself falling. My eyes started to grow heavy. Instead of hitting the tile like I expected, I felt the familiar warmth of Cayson’s arms.

  “Skye!”

  I couldn’t talk because nothing was responding. Then I fell somewhere into darkness and all thoughts ceased.

  Chapter Seven

  Cayson

  “Shit. Holy fucking shit.” I carried Skye to the truck outside then hauled ass to the hospital just two miles away. I could have called an ambulance but I knew I could get there faster.

  I was fucking terrified. “Skye.” I shook her arm and hoped she would wake up.

  There was no response.

  I felt for a pulse and found one. It was beating fast. Blood was on her thighs, and my immediate fear went to our unborn son.

  Please no.

  I drove eighty the entire way and kept it in four-wheel drive. When I pulled up to the hospital I abandoned my truck then carried her inside. The second the nurse saw Skye she checked her in and put her on a gurney. Then I rushed her to the emergency room.

  “What’s going on?” I asked. “Is she going to be okay?” I jogged beside them, panicking.

  “Sir, you need to stay here.” The nurse pushed her onto the surgical floor. “We’ll give you an update when we can.”

  “What’s going on? What are you doing? She’s pregnant. She’s having my son…” Tears were welling up in my eyes. “My son. Is he going to be alright?”

  “Sir, I’ll let you know.” She shut the door in my face.

  And I stood there.

  ***

  Sean was the first person I called.

  “Ready for a rematch?” he asked with a chuckle.

  I didn’t hear a word he said. “Skye is at Memorial. They rushed her off to surgery and I don’t know what’s going on. Get your ass down here.”

  Sean processed everything instantly. “What’s wrong with her? Is she okay?”

  “I don’t know and they won’t tell me anything. I came home and she passed out. Blood was on her thighs. The second I got her here they took her away. I don’t know a damn thing. I don’t know if my son is okay…”

  Sean remained calm. “Scarlet and I are on the way. We’ll be there in a second. Hold tight, okay?”

  “Okay.” My hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

  “I’ll call everyone. Just wait for news.”

  I hung up and called Slade.

  “Hey, what’s up?” He sounded irritated, like he was in the middle of something.

  I blurted everything out without pausing for breath.

  “Holy shit.” Slade went from irritated to terrified in a heartbeat. “Trinity and I are on our way. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  “Okay…” I felt like crying. I never felt like crying but now that’s all I wanted to do. Like a frightened child, I wanted to crawl into a ball and cry until the pain went away.

  “Cayson, it’ll be okay.”

  I didn’t see how. Skye passed out and there was blood everywhere. Hopefully Skye would be okay but I didn’t know how our son would make it. And that thought made my mind turned to Jell-O because I couldn’t handle the possibility of losing him. I never met him but I knew him so well. I felt him kick in the middle of the night and I would read to him even though I wasn’t sure if he was listening. I kissed him every time I came home from work and every night before bed.

  I couldn’t lose him.

  ***

  My parents and Sean and Scarlet got there in record
speed. It was like they flew there.

  “Have you heard anything?” Sean immediately asked.

  Scarlet was breathing hard and she was on the verge of tears.

  Dad immediately hugged me and held me close. “We’re here, son.”

  I didn’t say anything because my mouth simply wouldn’t respond.

  “Where is he?” Slade skidded around the corner because he was running so fast. “Cayson?”

  Trinity ran behind him. “Is Skye okay? What do you know?”

  They circled me on all sides and I felt like the walls were closing in. “Just…stop.” I stepped back and fell into a chair. Everything was happening so fast. I had no idea what was going on with my wife and child. Would they be okay? What if they weren’t okay?

  What would I do?

  ***

  A doctor walked through the doors and pulled down is mask. I had no idea if he was Skye’s physician but I didn’t care. “Skye Thompson. What’s her condition? Is she okay? Is the baby okay?” Everyone crowded around me because they were just as eager for this answer.

  He eyed all of us but didn’t make a comment about how big our group was. “Her water broke and she went into labor.”

  ‘But…she’s only seven and a half months along.”

  “Premature babies happen,” he said. “We performed an emergency C section.”

  Was that good? “Is Skye okay?”

  “She’s resting now. She lost a lot of blood. She’ll be out for a while.”

  “My son…is he okay?”

  He had a grim look on his face. “It’s too early to tell. He’s too weak to breathe on his own. We have him on a respirator and in isolation. We’ll have to keep him under observation for at least a few weeks. When he’s strong enough, we’ll release him.”

  “So…he’s going to be okay?”

  “I can’t say,” he said. “But premature babies do make it. I’m optimistic.”

  “And my wife is okay?” I could burst into tears at any moment.

  “I think she’ll be fine,” he said calmly. “Like I said, she lost a lot of blood.”

  I gripped my skull and tried to slow my breathing.

  The doctor continued to watch me. “I’ll let you know when you can see them, okay? Just hang tight and get something to eat.”

  “When can I see them?”

  “Not for at least a few hours,” he said. “Be patient.”

  Easier said than done.

  ***

  Sean paced in the waiting room, unable to sit still. Scarlet watched him move back and forth, like mindlessly staring at her husband would distract her enough to prevent a breakdown.

  I sat in the chair and stared at the ground. My heart was beating so fast in my chest that it hurt. I was in too much pain to eat. All I could think about was my son, who was fighting for his life at this very moment.

  I couldn’t lose him.

  Skye’s situation was less dire so I wasn’t as worried. She would pull through this. She’s been through worse. But my son was too small to breathe on his own. He hadn’t finished his development and a million things could go wrong. I couldn’t lose him, not when I loved him so much.

  Slade sat beside me but didn’t say a word. Trinity sat on his other side, and every few minutes she would start crying until she forced herself to stop. Slade kept eyeing me like he wanted to do something to make me feel better but he couldn’t figure out what that something was.

  Mom cried from her seat beside Dad. She had a pile of tissues in her lap and they were wrinkled and moist from her tears. Everyone else came to the hospital, but they immediately steered clear of me like they understood I needed to be alone—except for Slade.

  Slade hesitantly reached for my hand and held it. “I’m sorry…” There was emotion in his voice, deep in his throat.

  I let the touch linger because it was better than nothing. “I know.”

  “He’ll be okay,” Slade said. “He’s strong like his parents. He’ll make it.”

  I kept my eyes glued to the ground. “Now I understand why my parents were always so worried about me…I totally get it now. Not knowing if your child is okay…is the most painful thing in the world.”

  Slade squeezed my hand.

  “I can’t lose my baby…”

  “He’ll make it.”

  “Is this my fault…for leaving Skye and stressing her out?” I would throw myself off the tallest skyscraper in Manhattan if that were the case.

  “No,” Slade said. “Sometimes these things just happen. But premature babies survive. Be optimistic.”

  “I can’t…” I felt my eyes water when I absorbed the reality of the situation. “If I lose him…I won’t be able to go on.”

  Slade gave me a look full of sympathy.

  “And my wife…she’s hurt.”

  “She’ll pull through.”

  “But I did this to her…”

  “No, you didn’t,” Slade said. “Don’t talk like that. It’s completely false.”

  I pulled my hand away and covered my face, feeling the weight of the impending tears. “My family…they’re in there and I’m out here healthy as can be.” The tears burned my eyes on the way out.

  Slade wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Cayson, they’ll be alright. Your son is going to get through this, and you’ll bring him home in a few weeks. Skye will be fine, and you’ll start your lives together. Everything is going to be okay.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and managed to stop crying. I had to hold on and be strong. I was the man of this family and I had to be calm and collected. If I didn’t believe they would be okay then maybe they wouldn’t.

  Slade rubbed my back. “It’ll be alright. You aren’t alone.”

  But I was alone.

  ***

  Eight hours later, the doctor approached me. “You can see them.”

  “I can?” I jumped to my feet immediately and felt the adrenaline kick in. “They’re okay?”

  “Your wife is doing better. Your son’s condition is the same. But you can see him.”

  “Okay. Okay.” My hands were shaking in anticipation. I was going to kiss my wife and meet my son for the first time. “Take me to them.”

  “You can take one other person,” he said. “But that’s it.”

  Take someone?

  My entire family crowded around me as they waited for me to choose.

  I stared at their terrified faces and saw the plea in their eyes.

  My immediate reaction was to take Slade. I needed him for support. But I realized I couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be right. “Sean, let’s go.” I headed to the doors.

  He didn’t follow me. He turned to Scarlet. “Baby, you can go.”

  Her eyes softened. “No, it’s okay. Go with him.”

  The hesitation was in his eyes. Sean clearly wanted to be the one in there, to see his daughter and his grandson. But he always put his wife first. “No, Skye needs her mother. And you should meet your grandson.”

  It was a sweet moment but I didn’t have time for it. “Hurry up and pick. I have somewhere to be.” I was never rude but under these circumstances I was a completely different person.

  “Baby, go.” He said it with authority and guided her forward. “I’ll get my chance later.”

  Scarlet didn’t argue, probably because she knew they were wasting time. “Okay…”

  The doctor guided us into the hallway then stopped. “Where do you want to go first? To see your son or your wife?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “They aren’t in the same place?”

  “No,” the doctor said calmly. “Your son is in the NICU.”

  I should have figured that out on my own. I wasn’t thinking. “And my wife is in labor and delivery?”

  He nodded.

  I wanted to see Skye and support her. I wanted to tell her everything would be okay. But I knew I couldn’t go to her, not right now. “My son—I want to see him first.”

  He nodded then took me
to the NICU. When we arrived we were told to put on thick suits that covered our bodies. They were sterile, and we had to put them on in a very specific way. Once we were ready, we entered the room where my son lay in a glass box. There were two holes on each side, and a glove extended into them.

  The second I saw him my eyes watered. He was so small. He could fit within the palm of my hand. A tiny tube was in his mouth, and a respirator was breathing for him. A monitor was hooked up, and his vitals were on the screen.

  I slowly came closer and looked through the glass at my sleeping son. My eyes took him in and examined every detail. His toes were miniscule, and his fingers were just as small. His eyes were closed and he was in a deep sleep.

  Scarlet stood beside me, and she sniffed loudly as she watch my son lay there, completely helpless.

  My son.

  I reached my hand into the hole that connected to the glove. Then I slowly reached for his arm, understanding it was the first time I would ever touch him. I couldn’t feel his skin with mine, but I could feel his definition. I gently touched his arm and felt my spine stiffen in reaction. He was warm under my embrace. I felt his small fingers and tried not to burst into tears. “Son, I’m here.”

  Scarlet stuck her hand in the other hole and touched his tiny foot. She sniffed again and a few tears streaked down her face.

  “I’m right here.” I peered through the glass and watched him sleep. “You’re going to be okay. Daddy will make sure you’re okay.” I took a deep breath and felt the pain in my chest. Then the tears fell down my face. I sobbed as I watched my innocent child fight for his life. He didn’t deserve to be there, lying helplessly. He should be inside his mother, growing and becoming stronger.

  ***

  I stayed there for hours and watched him. He didn’t move or stir but I could feel his faint heartbeat through the skin. There didn’t seem to be a struggle but there was, deep inside.

  I’d been there for as long as I could, and I knew I needed to see Skye. She was probably in tears and terrified of what happened to our son. As much as I didn’t want to leave my son’s side, I knew I needed to see her. “Scarlet, could you stay here?” I didn’t want him to be alone. I wanted him to always have someone who loved him by his side.