To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  ***

  I arrived at Conrad’s door with a new dish in my hand. If food was the way to his heart, then I would make him something every single night, whether he let me in or not.

  Conrad opened the door with a towel wrapped around his waist. Water droplets were on his chest and stomach. His hair was slightly damp and a little messy. He stared at me without saying a word.

  I tried not to stare at his perfectly chiseled body. I missed feeling him on top of me, thrusting into me and rubbing his body against mine at the same time. Flushes of heat and passion rushed through me and made me feel the burn between my legs. I’d been with other men since I lost Conrad, but none of them compared to the gorgeous man in front of me. I had to clutch the dish so it wouldn’t slip from my fingers and crash on the floor.

  He continued to stare at me.

  “I made baked chicken and rice…I thought you might be hungry.”

  He eyed the dish in my hand before he returned his look to me. Then he stepped aside and allowed me entry, still not saying a single word to me. Every time we took a step forward we took three steps back.

  I moved to the kitchen table and set the dish down. “How was your day?”

  “Same. Shitty.” He came to my side but kept a few feet between us.

  “Anything I can do to help?”

  “No.” He walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

  I sighed, noting his particularly bad mood. Then I spotted Apollo near me. He didn’t growl at me or bare his teeth, but he didn’t look happy to see me either. “Hey, Apollo.”

  He released a quick growl but didn’t come closer to me.

  “I know we have our differences and you don’t like me very much but…I do love Conrad and I won’t hurt him again.”

  He stared at me without blinking.

  “I know you’re protective of him but you don’t need to be. I’ll prove it to you.”

  Apollo moved back to his spot in the middle of the living room and lay down. But he never took his eyes off me.

  Conrad came out of the bathroom wearing running shorts and a t-shirt. Even when he wore simple clothes he looked irresistible. His body was strong and defined no matter what he wore. “I’m gonna be honest with you, Lexie. I’m in a shitty mood tonight. You should just go.”

  His hostility was paramount the second he opened the door. “Why are you in a bad mood?”

  He stood in front of me with his arms by his sides. “Because.”

  The caveman talk wasn’t going to go away, was it? “Talk to me.” I kept my voice calm so he wouldn’t rise.

  “Talk to you about what?” he said coldly. “When I really needed to talk, you were nowhere in sight.”

  The jab burned.

  “So why should I talk to you now?” He clenched his jaw. “Get the fuck out of my penthouse, Lexie.”

  I didn’t flinch at his tone or his swearing. His aggression came out of nowhere and I couldn’t figure out what his problem was. Did I say something? Did I do something? He completely shut me out and now I couldn’t figure it out.

  “Stop bringing me dinner and trying to take care of me,” he snapped. “You forfeited that right a long time ago. Get out of my life and stay there.” The vein in his forehead throbbed.

  Then it hit me. I knew exactly why he was upset. I knew exactly why he was hurt. He let me in last night. He actually asked me to sleep with him because he didn’t want to be alone. For the first time, he really bared his soul to me.

  And now he regretted it.

  He hated himself for being so vulnerable with me. He let his guard down after he promised himself he wouldn’t do it again. He let me in, even just a little bit, and now he was terrified all over again. He didn’t want to ruin what little strength he had left.

  “Conrad, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going anywhere. And I would never take advantage of your vulnerability.” I watched the anger remain in his eyes, but it was slowly fading. Then I turned to the dish on the table. “When you reheat this put it in the oven at three hundred and twenty five degrees for fifteen minutes.” I knew it was pointless to stand there and argue about his insecurities. I was the reason he was so distrustful and I was going to own up to that fact. But I knew he needed to be alone right now. “I’ll see you later…” Without looking at him again I walked out and kept going. I wanted to turn around and beg him to be with me again but I knew that wouldn’t work. We had to do this on his watch. When he was ready, he would come to me.

  But now wasn’t that time.

  ***

  I’d been home for an hour when there was a knock on my door. Since it was late in the evening, I knew it could only be one person. I checked the peephole just to make sure, and I saw Conrad standing on the other side.

  My heart rate spiked but I acted cool on the surface. I opened the door and looked at him, unsure what to expect. Would he come all the way down here just to tell me I didn’t have a chance? Or did he come here for another reason?

  He didn’t blink. “You left me because you were afraid I would hurt you sometime down the road.”

  I gripped the door handle and kept my silence.

  “You assumed I would betray you just the way your father betrayed your mother, even though I’ve never done a single thing to give you that impression. But in the end, you’re the one who hurt me. You’re the one who betrayed me.”

  I hated hearing those words but I had no choice but to listen.

  Conrad shifted his weight like being outside my apartment was extremely uncomfortable for him. “I have every right to feel distrustful toward you. I have every right to push you away when I feel like it—”

  “You do.”

  His eyes flinched at my agreement. “Sometimes the past fades away and all I see is you. Sometimes when I see you across the dining table I remember just how happy I used to be, and for a brief moment I think we can have that again. But then an alarm goes off in my head and I remember what you did to me when I had my guard down…I can’t let my guard down around you.”

  This would take a lifetime of repair to fix this damaged relationship. I would give up if it were anyone else, but since it was the one man I couldn’t be without I would push through it. “I understand, Conrad.”

  He didn’t make a move toward the threshold. He stayed in the hallway, practically a world away.

  “I followed you home and I’ve been sitting in the hallway since.”

  I never checked behind me to see if he was there, but I assumed he was. “I know.”

  “Despite what you did to me…I can’t let something happen to you. I just can’t.”

  I would never understand what I did to deserve the love of this wonderful man. Even when he was broken and shattered, he was still the most amazing man I’d ever known. “I’m very lucky.”

  “Carrie and I are just friends.” The subject came out of nowhere. “I’m going to keep seeing her regardless of how you feel about it.”

  The fact he felt obligated to tell me what she meant to him told me he did care how I felt about her. He did want me to know he wasn’t sleeping with anyone. Because, in a complicated way, he knew he was mine. “I like her. She’s really nice.”

  Surprise moved into his eyes before it quickly disappeared. “I guess I’ll go.” He stepped away from the door.

  “You can stay,” I blurted. “I can whip up something in the kitchen…and my couch is big enough for two people.”

  Conrad turned back to me, and he considered my offer in silence.

  I had no idea if he would say yes or no.

  Finally, he nodded. “Okay.”

  ***

  When I woke up the next morning, Conrad was wrapped around me like a personal blanket. In sleep, his body moved at its own discretion. His hand had moved to my neck where it rested there through the night. His fingers reached into my hair just the way they used to. His other arm was around my waist, and he had me pulled to his chest like he was afraid I would slip away. He didn’t toss and tur
n in the middle of the night. He lay perfectly still, peaceful.

  I didn’t want to move but I had to get ready for work. I stared at his beautiful face before I slowly moved from his arms, trying not to stir him. Once I was free I showered and changed. When I came back to the living room I saw Conrad exactly where I left him before. I made a pot of coffee and grabbed my purse.

  Conrad finally released a deep sigh then sat up, his hair messy and his eyes sleepy. He was always sexy first thing in the morning. He usually looked at me with affection as well as need. Without saying a word, he kissed me then took me slowly, ignoring the snooze alarm on his phone.

  I missed it.

  Conrad stood up and stretched his arms over his head.

  “Did you sleep well?” I asked.

  “Like you wouldn’t believe.” He immediately poured himself a cup of coffee and drank it black.

  “I slept well too.” It was nice not being exhausted throughout the day.

  A knock sounded on the door and I immediately eyed the clock on the wall. Who was coming by my apartment at this time? Was it the landlord?

  “Expecting someone?” Conrad asked.

  “It’s probably my landlord or something.” Maybe he needed to inspect the smoke alarms as a protocol. I opened the door without checking the peephole and almost screamed when I came face-to-face with Nathan.

  Why now? Why did he have to show up today? “I’ll talk to you later.” I immediately shut the door.

  Before I could lock it, it opened again. “I want to talk now.” He barged into the apartment, looking at me like I was still his. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, and I don’t accept it. You can’t just—” He stopped talking when he realized Conrad was in the room.

  This was a goddamn nightmare.

  Conrad turned his cold gaze on me, and accusation was in the look.

  “I’m not sleeping with him,” I blurted. I couldn’t afford to push Conrad away, not when we made so much progress.

  “I beg to differ,” Nathan said. “And you can’t just drop me without any explanation.”

  Conrad set his coffee down, and his eyes were just as black as the liquid in his cup. He grabbed his wallet and keys and prepared to storm out, pissed off that another man was in my life.

  “Conrad, wait.” I abandoned Nathan and went after him. “I can explain.”

  “No need to explain.” He spoke with a clenched jaw.

  “I was sleeping with him awhile ago. I ended it when I saw you in the restaurant.”

  He stepped into the hall then turned around, giving me a fierce glare that would make any warrior shake. “Oh, is that supposed to make me feel better?” Sarcasm dripped like venom.

  “He didn’t mean anything to me.” That was the truth, and I knew Conrad would hear it in my voice. “You’ve been with other women too. You can’t hold this against me. I stopped seeing him before I tried getting you back. I promise.”

  Conrad didn’t drop his look of hatred.

  “Every time I was with him all I thought about was you. I was lonely and sad…it didn’t mean anything.”

  “It looks like it’s still going on.”

  “He doesn’t know how to let it go. That’s the honest truth.” I knew Conrad was fragile like crystal. Anything could set him off and push him away, especially something like this.

  “Do me a favor and never speak to me again.”

  No.

  “I mean it.” He turned around and headed down the hall.

  No. “I love you.”

  He kept walking.

  “Conrad…” I fell to my knees in the hallway and watched his body recede further and further into the distance.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Cayson

  Skye stared at the glass box day after day, looking dead and hollow. She hardly ever blinked, like she was afraid she might miss something. Her place was always at Cedric’s side, being vigilant and patient. “Cedric…come home.” Tears would well in her eyes then fall down her cheeks. It happened so often I didn’t wipe them away anymore.

  “He’ll make it, baby.” The doctors didn’t have any news for us. Cedric’s vitals hadn’t improved and he still couldn’t breathe on his own. He’d been admitted to the hospital weeks ago but he still wasn’t well.

  I knew I needed to get back to work but I couldn’t leave my son’s side. Jessica had been doing as much as possible while I’d been away, but I knew I couldn’t push it past this point. Decisions needed to be made, and I needed to be present. I got work done at night and skipped sleep altogether but I couldn’t go on like that much longer.

  “I just want my baby to come home…” Skye pressed her hand to the glass.

  “Me too.”

  She sighed then rested her head against the glass. She watched our son deep inside and cried quietly to herself.

  Cedric’s arrival was supposed to be a happy moment, not an uphill battle. I hated seeing my wife this way. I felt like I failed her.

  Slade came into the room in his sterile suit. “Am I interrupting anything?” He was used to Skye crying nonstop so the sound didn’t make him uncomfortable.

  “No,” I whispered.

  He came to my side and stared at Cedric for a moment before he turned to me. “You and Skye need to come to the waiting room.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “We have a surprise for you,” Slade answered.

  “A surprise?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “What kind of surprise?” I asked. Skye and I didn’t care about anything except our son right now.

  “Just come out,” Slade said. “Both of you.”

  “I’m not leaving,” Skye said with a sniff. She kept her face to the glass.

  Slade sat beside me and lowered his voice. “Today is Thanksgiving…”

  I hadn’t noticed. “Oh…”

  “We know you guys won’t leave so we brought Thanksgiving to you,” Slade said. “Come out and eat with us. We’re using one of the conference rooms. There’s turkey, stuffing, and lots of other good things.”

  I was hungry and I knew Skye was too. But I knew my wife well. There was no way she would ever leave Cedric’s side, let alone both of us.

  “That’s very sweet, Slade,” Skye said. “But I’m fine where I am.”

  Slade sighed like he expected that answer.

  “Baby?” I asked.

  “Hmm?” She didn’t look at me.

  “Go with Slade and have Thanksgiving,” I said. “I’ll stay here.”

  “No,” she answered.

  Slade bowed his head in defeat. “Both of you should go. I’ll stay with Cedric. I’d bring my guitar in here if they would allow me. I know Ward Jr. likes music.”

  “No,” Skye answered again.

  Slade turned to me and lowered his voice. “She needs a break. Get her to eat with everyone.”

  Easier said than done. “Skye, you need to eat anyway.”

  “I’m not leaving my son,” she said firmly.

  “He’s asleep,” I said. “And he’ll be asleep when you get back.”

  “I don’t want him to be alone,” she argued.

  “I’ll stay,” Slade said. “I’ll sit here and watch him the entire time. The second he does anything I’ll call you. Come on, I’m the godfather. I’ll keep a close eye on him. On scout’s honor.”

  Skye shook her head.

  I came to her side of the glass and rubbed her back. “Come on, baby. Let’s eat. You know you love your mom’s mashed potatoes.”

  “How can I enjoy Thanksgiving when my son is fighting to live?” Her eyes were still on Cedric.

  “We have to be there for our family,” I reminded her. “They’re just as miserable as we are right now, and that means we should be together. Slade will keep an eye on him. We can trust Slade to do a good job.”

  “I won’t even blink,” Slade said. “Well…I might blink a few times but I’ll try not to.”

  “Just thirty minutes,” I sai
d. “You can do that.”

  She rested her head on my shoulder. “I just want my baby…”

  “I know.” I rubbed her back. “Cedric is getting better with every passing day. If he’s made it this far he’ll make it to the finish line. He’s got Preston blood, remember?”

  “He should be having Thanksgiving with us.”

  “He will—next year.”

  She still seemed torn.

  “Thirty minutes,” I said. “You haven’t been eating and you’ve been sitting in this chair nonstop. You need a break. It doesn’t make you a terrible mother.” I kissed her temple. “What do you say?”

  She sighed and finally took her eyes off Cedric. “Thirty minutes—that’s it.”

  I couldn’t believe I actually managed to convince her. “Good. Everyone will be so happy to see us.”

  “Yeah…”

  Slade rested his hands in his lap and watched Cedric. “Save me some pie—pumpkin.”

  “We’ll try.” I pulled Skye with me, trying to be gentle with her while she moved at a snail’s pace.

  “And make sure Trinity eats,” Slade said. “You know how annoying she is.”

  “I will,” I said.

  Before we reached the door Skye turned around. “You’ll call us if anything happens?”

  Slade held up his phone. “I got you on speed dial. Now go have a good time.”

  Skye reluctantly stepped through the door.

  When she was out of earshot I turned to Slade. “Thanks for watching him.”

  Slade nodded. “He’s my godson. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

  ***

  The conference room was changed from a dull and stale space to a festive celebration. Red and gold leaves were scattered across the long table along with a fall themed table runner. Red, brown, and gold banners hung from the ceiling, and the table was covered in more food than any of us could eat.

  Everyone smiled at us, but their looks were grim and full of pain. It was difficult to celebrate a holiday when a very important person wasn’t there to share the moment with us.

  All I could think about was my son down the hall. He should be here now, celebrating his very first holiday. Skye smiled but it was forced. She was thinking the same thing I was.