Dead Vampires Don't Date

by Meredith Allen Conner

  I glanced around my office, taking it in. Actually I have two offices, side by side. One for the humans and one for the humanly-challenged.

  I was in the HC one. My favorite.

  A deep, heavy Cabernet colored the walls. Two paintings hung behind my desk depicting Greek and Norse mythological tales.

  Mythology. History. Depends on your gene pool.

  A large grouping of black and white photographs, each in a simple ebony frame, took up a good portion of the wall to the left of my desk. The photos were all of various non-human species in their more colorful forms. My aunt is an amazing photographer.

  Embellished with gold paint, an enormous Celtic knot wove its way in graceful, sinuous lines on the wall to my right. Most witch families have symbols. Ours is the True Lovers knot. The irony never fails to make me cackle.

  Mwah, mwah, mwah.

  Two cushioned wing chairs, with a small table in between, created a comfortable place for me to interrog- , uh, interview my clients. A tall flowering plant with a delicate pink middle and rose tipped edges sat on the table. The Adam and Eve Orchid.

  The chairs are upholstered in red silk and adorned with various black spell symbols for truth, love and money. Hey, a witch has gotta make a living.

  My desk is old and scarred. Practically ancient. It had been my mother's as a young woman. It's one of the few tangible things I have of hers. I love this room. It's my sanctuary. My independence. My heart.

  I wondered how much longer I would have it.

  Opening my drawer, I grabbed my wand. I could do with a little target practice right now. I always thought much better with wand in hand.

  Now, if only I could figure out what to do with a crazy prince?

  ****

  Approximately four hours later, I discovered that I no longer had to worry about my problem. Someone had taken care of it for me. Regrettably, they had dumped the body at my back door.

  I caught myself as I went to check for a pulse. Ha. Good one. Check a vamp for a pulse.

  Ha. Ha.

  Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

  I bit my lip to stop the hysteria.

  No way anyone - Prince of Vampires or not - had survived this. The tree branch used for a stake was long enough to sway with the night breeze as it protruded from his chest.

  Blood pooled beneath his body and lingered on the lightly fluttering leaves of the branch.

  Funny, I hadn't realized vamps bled. I did know they didn't poof into a charred pile of ash once staked. Hollywood - always needing a good special effect. However, it looked like vamps did tend to go gooey. Rather fast.

  I couldn't go to the police - the prince was a vamp - and I certainly couldn't tell the vampires – they'd kill me first. I doubt they'd even ask questions afterwards.

  I had to get rid of the body.

  I took a step back, reaching into my pocket for my phone. Spirits, he stunk too, a really weird combination of roses and pickles.

  My fingers hit the appropriate buttons all on their own.

  My mind circled busily around in an: "Oh yay! Oh shit!" fashion. I wasn't sure which side would win.

  Three rings later a voice said, "Hey Chicky."

  My knees threatened to buckle. I braced my hand on the windowsill at the back of my building.

  "Hey Morgan!" I aimed for a totally cheerful no-dead-bodies-at-my-backdoor tone. I wasn't entirely certain I nailed it. This was the first dead body at my back door.

  Plus Morgan is a vamp herself. I knew she wasn't overly fond of the prince, but . . . I didn't have any other choice.

  I cleared my throat to get rid of the sudden dryness. "Are you by any chance free right now?"

  "Yeah. What's up?"

  "I'm at my office. I need help disposing of a body." My voice cracked. I couldn't help it.

  "Ooh, goody. One of my favorite things. I'll be right there." She hung up.

  Vamps. Go figure. She hadn't even asked whose body.

  ****

  There are few things that scream BEST FRIEND louder than someone who will help you bury the body. In fact, I couldn't think of anything that even came close. And if they are a vamp and can actually carry said body all by themselves, so much the better.

  I carried the shovel.

  We were tromping across a field toward the woods.

  A large part of the HC community lives in the western part of the United States. Less population and more open spaces to hunt prey for the more fang-y inclined.

  The four-legged variety, not the two. I didn't bother checking the missing person's reports. Sometimes the less you know the better you stay alive.

  My mom and aunt had moved to Idaho just before I was born and I'd never found a reason to leave. Now I seriously questioned my logic for remaining in an area that the city didn't feel compelled to light up at night.

  This was really creepy.

  The moon wasn't full. Thank the Spirits for small favors. The crescent shape rode overhead like a half-lit lantern. Just imagine how much worse this would be if we had to worry about creatures that turned furry under a full moon?

  At least I would worry. Morgan could fly.

  What little light did shine down on our gruesome mission flickered with the clouds. My left foot found a gopher hole every time the clouds took charge.

  "How much farther?" I tried to keep from panting. I don't think I succeeded. Matchmaking doesn't require a lot of physical exertion. And if I'm not required to work out . . .

  I know, I know. High blood pressure and plaque do not care what species you are. It's on my list - the one at the back of my underwear drawer. Just another mark against me as a mortal.

  "Just past those trees." Morgan used the prince's dead hand to indicate the direction.

  She carried him over her shoulder, front side up due to the tree branch still firmly embedded in his chest. Morgan explained that we'd leave a pool of blood if we removed the tree branch. Nothing says "keep tree branch intact" like pool of blood.

  The leaves rustled softly with Morgan's stride.

  "You said that five minutes ago." Even I could hear the whine in my words.

  "Five minutes ago we were five minutes further away." Morgan lifted the prince's head to peer at me. "We could always go back and put him where you found him in the first place."

  I sped up.

  "You'd get a lot of publicity," she continued. Despite the body draped over her shoulder, I could not detect a hint of physical exertion from her. Of course, she's a vampire. Morgan could easily run a marathon, and win, while carrying the dead weight.

  "Not all publicity is good publicity." This kind would certainly get me killed.

  Did she want me to get into the serious decapitation-would-be-the-easy-way-out kind of trouble? She hadn't acted upset when she'd found out the whose behind my dead body dumping question.

  Still, the prince had been a vamp and so was Morgan. At times, I found them very difficult to figure out.

  I'm fairly confident that she felt the best friend bond between us and had no plans to drain me. On the other hand she's over a millennium in age. I've often wondered how she's lived for so long and stayed in touch with her feelings.

  And it wasn't exactly the sort of thing one could bring up over a bottle of wine – wine for me, warm A negative for her – either. A "hey, are we really best friends or are you just waiting until I age a bit more to drink me?" would definitely put a strain on things.

  It also isn't the sort of question I normally stew over, but right now . . . dark night, eerie woods, dead body.

  Witches can be afraid of the dark too.

  My fears had picked the lock on that inner, hidden door.

  As a mortal witch I'm not really a part of either the human or the immortal non-human community. That creates a few issues for me. Which I usually handle with sarcasm - like my term humanly-challenged - or ignoring the matter all together.

  I kept promising myself I'd figure out what exactly happened to those previous missing generations and
the why's of our familial curse. I had a feeling there was something foul behind that curse. Somehow I always managed to push the exact date of that promise further and further out.

  Dig a few holes and pretty soon you're going to discover a body.

  I had this really, really bad feeling that I wouldn't have to dig deep and more than one body was involved.

  Ostrich? You betcha.

  I huffed and puffed along for several more yards. My foot found yet another hole.

  Enough was enough.

  I jerked my foot out of the hole and leaned on the shovel. "Exactly which trees are we aiming for here?"

  The wall of trees loomed ahead. Another five or six feet, and we wouldn't have the luxury of the pale moonlight anymore. I swallowed. Hard.

  Morgan's lips twitched. Clouds crossed overhead. I peered more closely at her, but she had assumed her blank expression.

  Vamps can do blank better than anyone I've ever met. Aside from a zombie that I saw once, although, come to think of it, he really had been dead and . . . never mind.

  "We have to bury him well inside the woods."

  I stared nervously at those woods. Night held the entire area in a tight embrace. I couldn't see two feet in. Which meant there were lots and lots of places for creepy things to hide.

  "Why do we have to bury him in there exactly?"

  I needed the exacts for everything right then.

  This time I knew for certain she smiled. Whatever. She was helping me bury a dead body. She could laugh all she wanted.

  "Because if we bury him where the sunlight can reach him - even through shallow ground – he will eventually catch fire. Which will work its way to the surface. Which will, in turn, start a fire above ground. Which the fire department will investigate. Which will lead to the discovery of -"

  "Okay. Okay." I sucked it up and started forward again.

  I took two steps. "He'll start to burn through the ground?"

  "Supernatural creature. Supernatural fire."

  Typical, the HC always have to do things in a BIG way.

  The shadows of night completely surrounded us. I slowed until I moved so cautiously a slumbering field mouse could have passed me.

  Morgan took the lead. "Super senses. Remember Kate? I won't let anything jump out and get you."

  I had forgotten. Funny what fear will do to a witch. Speeding up until I threatened to stomp on her heels with every step I took, I inhaled deeply. Several times.

  "Laugh all you want." What was that sound? "I'm the mortal one here."

  "No need to remind me. Your pulse is racing so fast I can practically taste your blood." She had the nerve to snap her fangs. Drat her. "I've totally forgotten what it's like to be afraid."

  Was that a wistful note I heard? Right now, I couldn't imagine anything better than to have lost my sense of fear.

  "Well, I happen to know precisely what creatures lurk in the dark." There went that sound again. "And none of them are good for my health."

  "Point taken." She stopped abruptly. I crashed into her back.

  I moved to the side where an enormous evergreen branch promptly scratched me. A step back removed me from its target zone, but didn't help in terms of observing the area.

  I squinted. No luck. It was inside-the-kettle dark.

  "This will work."

  I jumped two feet in the air. Morgan had moved to my other side.

  "Here, I'll take that." She yanked the shovel out of my hands. I pressed them both over my heart and began whispering the words to a calming spell.

  I don't know why I'd been so worried about the repercussions of a dead body on my doorstep. I was about to die from heart failure.

  A loud crashing noise interrupted my spell.

  I shrieked.

  Morgan laughed.

  "Even I can't shovel with a dead body in my arms, Kate."

  She'd dropped the prince. UDBF or not, I began to give some serious thought to a more permanent death for her. Now I couldn't even remember the words to the spell. I tried a breathing technique from a yoga class. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

  Crap. I was just breathing.

  Maybe I shouldn't have left in the middle of the first class. Then again, that stupid instructor would have caused permanent damage to my body if he'd been able to maneuver me into that position he'd wanted.

  "Kate."

  I screamed. Loudly. Again.

  Damn it, I really hated acting the girl.

  "You are about five minutes away from a major heart attack."

  I knew that. Did she have to sound so cheery about it?

  "Hold the shovel." She thrust the handle into my stomach. "I'm done digging."

  She'd dug a hole big enough to fit a six-foot tall body in while I struggled to breathe in a non I-am-going-to-pass-out-any-second manner? I could practically feel all of my issues dancing on my ego.

  "I'm going to remove the branch now."

  Fine. I didn't care what she did, I simply wanted to get the hell out of these woods . . . warmish drops of a very wet something hit my face.

  Ah. Eew. Uh, uh, uh.

  "No upchucking on the highly illegal grave."

  "You could have warned me!" I wiped my sleeve over my cheek, grateful beyond belief that it was too dark to see.

  "I did."

  "NO." Breathe. Just breathe. "Saying that you are removing a branch is not a warning. BLOOD SPATTER IMMINENT is a warning."

  "I'll try to remember that the next time you ask me to help you bury a body."

  I shut up.

  "Hand me your jacket. We'll need to bury that now too."

  I removed the wet garment, turned it inside out and scrubbed my face. I gave her the piece of evidence without a word.

  "Shovel again." This time I left out the extra shrieks.

  Go me.

  Ten seconds later Morgan said, "Just a little natural scattering of pine needles and we're done."

  Ten seconds. I'm not kidding. And she said "we".

  She really is my best friend.

  She scattered. I pondered.

  I'd given up on the breathing thing. Not actually breathing, mind you. Just the normal kind of . . . never mind.

  Burying dead bodies late at night in the middle of the woods affects logical thought.

  "That's that."

  The shovel whacked me in the middle again. I clutched it gratefully.

  "I'll lead the way back out."

  Smart thinking on her part. My eyes had adjusted to the utter darkness of the woods, which meant I could see . . . zip.

  Total. Utter. Darkness.

  Morgan's cool hand gripped mine. She squeezed it. My fears regarding our friendship melted faster than an icicle in the outer realms of hell. I hate it when my fears overtake rational thought. A little tug and I followed that hand like a lost lamb.

  UDBFs. What would we do without them?

  We'd almost reached the car – I'd let go of her hand once I could see – when Morgan stopped and turned around. She stood totally still, eyes focused on the woods we'd just left.

  "What is it?" There went my nearly calm breathing.

  "I don't know. Something."

  That left a really big playing field wide open, in my opinion. I pulled my keys out. We stood three feet from my car.

  Hell.

  "Is this "something" something we need to worry about?"

  We'd just buried a body. A royal one. We could not afford witnesses. From matchmaker to potential assassin in one point two seconds. My aunt was going to kill me.

  After a long – ten-years-just-passed-and-my-hair-turned-white – moment, Morgan shook her head.

  "Whatever it was, it's gone now."

  3. Channeling Chihuahuas.

  I waved to Morgan as I slid the key in the lock of the first floor door. She gave me a quick salute and then took off.

  Into the air.

  It would be nice to have a convenient means of air transportation. I always had to find my broom first.
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br />   I stood for a moment, enjoying the quiet, the cool night air, the lack of dead bodies. Unbidden, an image of the demon shot into my mind. Big body, sculpted muscles, intricate tattoo and scars that I had yet to see. I could picture his amber eyes blazing into me as if he stood three feet away. I shivered.

  What did he want?

  With a shake of my head, I banished him. Call it my witchy intuition, but I knew it was only a temporary exile. He wanted something from me. I knew it. Could feel it like a hot cauldron in my hands.

  He'd just have to wait. I'd reached the end of my broom tonight.

  I trudged up the steps to my second floor apartment. I tried to be very, very quiet as I turned the lock. A quiet snick. I sucked in air as I opened the door just wide enough to sneak through. I did NOT want to wake him up. It was almost six in the morning, well past his usual bedtime.

  Almost there.

  Closing the door, breath held tight in my chest, I turned the lock again.

  Whew.

  "I smell blood."

  I yelled, twisted, lost my balance and fell. My butt hit the hardwood, my head the door. At least this time I hadn't jumped three feet.

  My ass informed me this was not an improvement.

  I should have expected it. My nerves must be more rattled than I thought. More than likely. I'm an expert at sublimating.

  My overwrought nervous system wanted me to lie completely down. It sounded like the best idea of the evening so far. I slid and turned until I lay on my side, bent at a ninety-degree angle.

  The firm floor reminded me that it had been a long and somewhat challenging walk and I was not in shape. I really didn't care for that reminder.

  "Yo, Doll, you reek of it."

  His voice echoed in my ear. I swatted at him. I so did not need this right now.

  "Who'd you kill and why didn't you bring me along?"

  It suddenly occurred to me that I had somehow managed to surround myself with death in one shape or another - my UDBF and my roommate being my two most constant companions.

  And now a real dead body. Well, more dead I guess.

  I sincerely hoped this was not the start of a new trend in my life.