Love & Decay, Episode 11

by Higginson, Rachel

  “That’s cynical, even for you,” I pointed out. I pushed back until both of our faces were obscured by darkness. I didn’t want him to have the advantage of being able to read my emotions, but also, I hated that he was saying things that sounded smart…. Or worse, they sounded right.

  “Really? Because from my point of view I see that Hendrix pussed out and didn’t tell you he loved you, you tried to do everyone a favor by taking care of me, and then you got attacked by an insane amount of Zombies and now you’re trapped in a bunker with me. For all he knows you died, and you so very easily could have. Let me tell you something,” he leaned forward so that his face was once again visible in the light. His gray eyes were black behind his thick-framed glasses and his facial features sharp and unforgiving. “Hendrix is back in that compound or roaming the woods playing Hero or doing anything but making progress to get to us and he’s thinking one thought on repeat: I never told Reagan I loved her. And now I’ll never get the chance.”

  “I see your point,” And I hated that I saw his point.

  He ran a hand through his tussled hair and sucked in his bottom lip before continuing, “I get that you want to feel in control of something so you’re taking it out on Hendrix and trying to control him. But let me tell you something, Hendrix is not the kind of guy that is easily controlled. None of those Parkers are. And you’ll find out soon enough that I’m not either. You need to find a better strategy than telling us you need time. There isn’t time. Figure out what you want and go for it.”

  Ah.

  And it all clicked for me. Kane wasn’t stalking me- well not in his twisted up little head. He figured out what he wanted and now he was going for it.

  He was going after me- in case anyone was struggling to keep up.

  I reached forward and took Kane’s cold fingers into my hand. I held the pads of his fingers against the pads of mine and let the feeling of life- whole and unfiltered- beat between us. “Kane, I know what I want. I want Hendrix.”

  “For now,” he shrugged casually. His fingertips slid down my hand until they pressed into the center of my palm and instead of a light touch we were now solidly holding hands.

  I waited for him to say more- for him to go into some kind of speech about how he was going to win me over or about how Hendrix wasn’t right for me. Or for him to say something more. But he didn’t. That was it. His final thought. And I was left with the feel of his hand against mine and his eyes promising me everything his words didn’t.

  I pulled back immediately. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t play his game. First, and foremost I didn’t understand his rules or the object of what we were playing for. And second and most importantly, he seemed to think he’d already won.

  “I need to…. move.” I stood up and took the camping lantern with me, not caring if I was being rude or not. I turned the dial up as I walked across the small living room and breathed easier when I could see more of our temporary housing.

  I could feel Kane’s presence behind me, thick and oppressive as if he were able to suck the space and oxygen directly into his gravity. He didn’t move from the bed, but I got the feeling he preferred it there, preferred being where he could watch me- observe me.

  The Zombies continued to pound on the door, but he had been right. With my fears and anxiety out in the open, the power had been taken away from them and I felt decidedly more at ease- although appropriately on edge. But this feeling was more of the general readiness I felt everywhere and at all times since Haley and I first went on the run and forced ourselves to learn how to survive.

  I would never completely relax again- not until we eradicated the Feeders from the earth.

  Even then…

  I had been changed. I’d turned from a simple girl with average goals and a comfortable life into a cold-hearted killer with skills the CIA would have either recruited me for or locked me up in one of those inescapable prisons for. My life would never settle into Pre-Feeder complacency again. I was no longer wired for normalcy.

  I walked over to our only exit and put my hand gently against the cool metal. The steel vibrated beneath my fingers, kicking my heart into gear and my adrenaline began to stir once again.

  They were just on the other side of that door, potentially hundreds of them. And they were desperate to get to us.

  This door was incredibly strong.

  But was it strong enough?

  And would it need to be?

  Hendrix was surely coming for me. I knew Vaughan wouldn’t be able to sit still during this. At this point I even trusted Gage to send out the cavalry.

  The door rattled harsher beneath my hands and I wondered if it was because I stood so close to them. Could they smell me? Sense me?

  “Reagan, let’s eat something,” Kane coaxed and even he sounded nervous.

  I pressed my fingertips firmer against the door, a silent dare for the Feeders beyond to respond. A harsh keening resounded, even through the thick barricade between us and was met with echoing, inhuman cries of desperation.

  I felt entranced in this moment, hypnotized by the deadly threat just inches from me. I’d never had to endure them for this long. Always before there was a frantic fleeing for my life and at least the release of fear as bloodshed and gore monopolized my time and thoughts.

  This waiting and idleness was pure torture- the purgatory of the Zombie Apocalypse.

  Kane’s hand slipped around my waist, pulling me back against the hard security of his warm, bare chest. “Let’s eat something,” he suggested again, only this time it came out more like a command than question.

  “I’m not hungry.” I shook my head, but didn’t attempt to move away from his warm body and possessive touch.

  “Please, stop antagonizing them,” he begged in a deep voice while his chest vibrated from the words.

  “Are you scared?” I asked on a sincere whisper.

  “Not for myself.”

  I let his words sink over me, feeling the depth of his honesty, of his emotion. He couldn’t care for me. Honestly, these feelings he thought he felt for me just could not be genuine. He hadn’t known me long enough.

  We didn’t know each other well enough.

  But there was something so close to truth in his reverent tone; I swallowed against the urge to promise him I would be fine.

  We stood there for a moment- for eternity- for endless amounts of time until all that remained was our breathing and the small world created by a turmoil of confusing emotions inside the bunker.

  And then the gun shots broke through my confused haze and joined in the cacophony of hungry Feeder sounds.

  Gunshot after gunshot until they rang louder than any keening or growling could. I sucked in a full breath and stumbled forward a step, reaching out for the door. It no longer vibrated from the banging, it remained still while the world beyond exploded into turmoil.

  Grateful tears sprang from my eyes at the same time my lips whispered anxious, desperate prayers for the safety of everyone that had come to our rescue.

  The fighting went on for forever. The guns never seemed to empty while the muffled shrieking from the Feeders never seemed to diminish.

  I hated not being able to see what was going on more than anything else- which was saying something since my list of all things loathsome and vile had grown exponentially today. But it was miserable being trapped behind this door, unable to help, unable to contribute.

  We had no guns though, not even a knife to protect ourselves with. Gage had said before that the bunker was armed, but we’d looked everywhere for weapons when we first closed ourselves in here and couldn’t find anything that could be considered lethal.

  I needed to stay here until the Feeders were gone, otherwise I would cause an unnecessary distraction. But those moments of fighting against every instinct I had were truly agonizing.

  I needed to help.

  But even more than my need to be the hero, I needed to make sure that everyone was Ok.

  That Haley was
fine.

  That Page wasn’t out there.

  And that Hendrix had come for me.

  Kane’s harsh curse behind me propelled me into action. I ripped myself from his hold and felt my willpower, my common sense and every discerning instinct flood my blood again. I was a smart girl- it’s what had kept me alive for two years.

  I might not have had the genius capacity Haley did, but I possessed the kind of intelligence that kept me breathing- something equivalent to street smarts.

  My alarm bells were firmly back in place. I’d let the very thing I didn’t want to happen… happen. Trust between Kane and me. The unbreakable bond that was created between us when he saved my life and I saved his, when we’d suffered through these uncertain hours of our dark hell and I faced some of my deepest, most acute fears.

  A sick sensation of dread and forewarning settled in my stomach and I closed my eyes against the ferocity of feeling. My mind screamed at me with warnings of Hendrix’s safety, of my own- beyond the threat of what Feeders could do to us and into the realm of what Kane looked like as an ominous threat to our lives. My blood raced and rushed for different reasons now.

  Kane stayed still as I scrambled forward and slammed my back against the hard wall. I couldn’t make out his expression clearly now that the lantern had slipped from my fingers and lay on its side on the floor, but I felt the intensity of his gaze and it only grew this new anxiety inside me.

  “They came for you,” he stated matter of fact.

  “I knew they would.”

  He took a step forward and nodded. “My father arrives soon. He might already be here, my sense of time is off.” I shook my head in agreement and pressed my lips together. “How much do you care for my sister?”

  Confused by his question, I admitted honestly, “Like she’s part of my own family.”

  “And Miller?”

  “Same.”

  “If my father finds them he might be angry enough to kill them. At the very least he’ll take them

  home with him. And it will not end well there. Do you understand? He can’t find them.”

  “Are you protecting them?” I asked skeptically.

  “Gage will probably be smart enough to keep them hidden. He’s an asshole, but he’s a smart asshole.”

  I hoped Kane was right about that.

  “But what about the Parkers? How are you going to keep them safe, Reagan?”

  My throat dried up immediately and I struggled to find words to speak through the closing tightness.

  “You should think about that. You should think about how you’re going to protect them.” He was so cautiously controlled and calm that I knew the monster was lurking just under his surface. This was the Kane I was afraid of. This was the Kane that was my biggest threat.

  There were things I should say, warnings I should make, weapons I should find and use on this cold, frightening psychopath that was threatening me.

  And he was being as careful as always. There were no exact words said or plans confessed, but I felt the immediate danger as heavily as I had the silence and the noise. The Parkers were in peril and it was because of this man.

  “Reagan!” Hendrix called from the other side of the door. The sound of his voice released the vice grip on my chest and tears started to fall again, fast and wet on my cheeks. “Reagan! Open the door!” His voice broke as emotion overtook him, “Please, open the door!”

  And I did.

  He fell through it, bloody and filthy from battle. He righted himself and we stood there as everything else disappeared. Sounds of gunfire still resounded through the early morning light filtering into the dark bunker. His face was cut, his clothes ripped and covered in blood. His skin was black from dirt or death or worse.

  But he was alive.

  And so was I.

  There was nothing else more important than that.

  Chapter Two

  The tears started to fall faster and harder. Hendrix’s own eyes glistened with the same kind of relief and intense gratitude that we were once again standing in the same room together. Alive.

  He shook his head at me, a fierce protective expression hardening his eyes until they were angry and wild. He lunged forward, pulling me roughly- almost painfully- against his firm chest. The breath whooshed from my lungs as our bodies collided. His arms wrapped around me in a stronghold of possessiveness. I heard his empty gun drop to the floor as he freed his hands so they could press against my back and push me impossibly closer to him.

  “Never…” he started on a severe growl, but I couldn’t let him say another word without confessing the most important thing I would ever say to him.

  “I love you,” I blurted with a coarse, emotional voice. His body tensed further against me and I felt his confusion as it rivaled with his acceptance of hearing me say those precious words. “I love you, Hendrix. I should have let you say it before. I should have never made you wait. I just needed you to know that….”

  This time it was him that cut me off. His mouth crashed against mine with the fervency that the moment demanded. He devoured me in a consuming kiss that pushed every rational and cohesive thought from my head. He tasted like sweat, dirt and metal.

  And like him.

  Like the man I loved.

  His fingers dug under the big, flannel shirt I’d found in one of the drawers here and gripped my hips with feral possession. His body pressed into mine until I was sure that without his hands holding me in place I would tip over from his weight. His lips moved over mine, savoring me, tasting me, claiming me.

  My tears mingled with the evidence that he had risked his life to get to me and I wrapped my arms around his neck, determined to never let him go. My heart ached with the tenderness and poignancy of the moment. I felt too much for him, too much for my own sanity.

  I knew that I loved him. I’d made that revelation yesterday. But truthfully, even if I hadn’t, it would have been here, in this moment; in this beautiful reunion I would have given him my heart completely. He came for me and whatever depth of emotion for him that owned my soul was echoed and replicated in him. I felt his love for me in every breath he took, in every sweet kiss and primal touch. He was as lost to me as I was to him.

  And for this first time in my life I knew true love. I knew what it was to love with everything I was made of, every part, piece and molecule. And I knew what it was like to be loved in that same way because it was how Hendrix loved me, how it radiated off of him and became everything everywhere in every moment.

  This was what it meant to be in love.

  Quarterback Chris was like an obsession with the high school boy six-pack and the social desperation for popular-crowd companionship. Plus there was the whole… he was a quarterback, I was a cheerleader thing. No wonder he’d never gotten past third base and some semi-kinky after prom action.

  He just never had it in him to make me fall this deep.

  Chris’s interests included making out, watching ESPN and spending way too much time trying to convince me to text him dirty pictures- obviously, before Zombies I wasn’t as savvy as I was now, but I did know better than that. Sexting never worked out for anyone. Ever.

  At least not when eighteen year old boys were involved.

  But Hendrix was so much more than hormones and the need to fit in. He was beyond anything I could have ever imagined, especially at the end of the world. And I couldn’t believe that I found him. I couldn’t believe that we found each other.

  Hendrix pulled away and cupped my face with both his hands. “I love you too,” he whispered harshly against my lips. “Reagan, I love you more than all.”

  “More than all?” I asked with a smile- it was just so… poetic.

  I felt Hendrix’s lips smile in return and he gave me a quick kiss before he explained, “It’s what my mom used to say to my dad. I love you more than all and to the end.”

  My chin trembled remembering Hendrix’s parents and their tragic story. I had these made up mental images of an ol
der version of Page, deathly ill and in a hospital bed while a replica of Vaughan tended to her with the utmost devotion and care. I love you more than all and to the end. How perfect were those words.

  “I like that,” I grinned, leaning up to kiss his scruffy chin.

  “And I love you,” he smiled down at me.

  “Alright, that’s all I can stomach,” Kane drawled and I suddenly remembered that he was in the room. Oops. “Do you mind if I just….? I’m assuming the coast is clear?”

  Hendrix scowled immediately and pulled me against his body again. He did move me out of the way so Kane could walk by, but mostly I could tell he was just being possessive- which I did not mind one bit.

  I smiled like an idiot against his chest and unzipped his blood-caked hoody so I could bury my face in his clean, clean-ish…. cleaner t-shirt.

  Kane reached out on his way and ruffled my hair playfully. He chuckled lightly and then- because he wanted me to murder him- said, “I’m glad you took my advice, Reagan. You’re welcome Hendrix. I know she was having a little trouble saying those three special words.”

  Son of a bitch.

  At least he’d had the decency to put on a shirt- an identical flannel to mine.

  Hendrix tensed immediately and I could almost feel the rage steaming out of his ears. I winced out of instinct and took a step back. Kane left us alone, and walked into the remains of a battle that was almost over.

  Instead of Zombie groans, now human voices could be heard- Gage barking out orders, Vaughan organizing clean-up efforts, men I didn’t recognize as they worked to build a funeral pyre for the legion of dead Feeders we would burn. The sounds of humanity were like balm on my soul. I was alive.

  I was safe again.

  I was about to have the biggest fight with Hendrix to date.