Jaguar

by M. L. Hamilton

  * * *

  Jaguar walked out to the patio, taking a seat at the wrought iron table arranged next to the pool. Blown-glass lotus flowers with white candles inside floated on the water’s surface and fairy lights twinkled from the bushes along the pool’s edge.

  He could hear the bass of the music pumping out into the warm night, hear the laughter of the partygoers as they socialized. Parties in Hollywood were interesting – a time to let loose, but also a time to solidify one’s standing in the hierarchy. Once he’d had the hunger to make the right connections, talk with the right people, be seen with the right women. He wondered where that drive had gone.

  Max Stark came over and plopped into the seat next to him. He had a beer bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He drew on the cigarette, then blew out the smoke, letting it drift away on the sultry air. Max Stark, alias Maximus Starr, was a walking skeleton with pale blond hair dyed blue at the tips. His piercings were all down the center of his face – a metal bolt through his septum and one through his bottom lip. He played lead guitar for the band and Jaguar had known him since his junior year in high school. Max had come to Sequoia as a sophomore, strange and different, and Jaguar had been drawn to that shared spirit of being an outcast. Out of all the band members, he was closest to Max, and that wasn’t saying much.

  “We nailed it today in the studio,” Max said.

  “Yeah, it sounded good.”

  “That song’s gonna be the hit of the year. Man, you are back.”

  Jaguar looked out over the pool, watching a beautiful young couple swapping spit in the darker part of the yard. The guy was groping the girl and she was trying to hold him off. He wondered if he ought to intervene.

  “I wrote one song. I’m not sure that means anything.”

  “But Hifler thinks we can pull off a tour of Japan if that track’s as big as he thinks it’s gonna be.”

  Jaguar knew Hifler wanted them to go on tour again, but his guts twisted when he thought of it. “You really wanna go on tour, Max?”

  “What? You don’t.” He blew out smoke, then his eyes drifted over to the couple. “I live for being on tour.”

  Jaguar watched them as well. The girl extricated herself and started walking back to the house. The boy threw up his hands in frustration and turned, looking out over the canyon behind Hifler’s house. Jaguar felt the tension ease inside of him.

  “I’m just not sure. I mean, it’s months away from home,” he told the guitarist.

  “And that’s the good news,” said Max, tilting the beer to his mouth. “What? You lost the taste for it or something?”

  “Or something.”

  Max looked over at him, meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry about your mom. That’s probably what this is, right? You’re just not over your mom yet.”

  Jaguar considered that. He scratched at the tattoos on his forearm. He wasn’t over his mother’s death, that was true, but his reluctance had more to do with the living than the dead.

  “Just wait until that song goes platinum. You’ll change your mind.” Max leaned on the table. “Look, I got some nice blunts in my glove compartment. Let’s get this party started the right way.”

  Jaguar smiled, rubbing a hand over his chin. “I’m gonna pass.”

  Max gave him a disbelieving look. “Are you shitting me?”

  “Nope.” He touched his throat. “Trying to save the pipes. I’m not getting any younger. I’m gonna be thirty in three months.”

  Max laughed. “No shit. I turned thirty last month.”

  Jaguar thought it was a little sad that he hadn’t remembered Max’s birthday. They’d traveled the country together, but he didn’t remember when the man was born. There was something terrible about that. You could spend so much time with another person and still not know them.

  Max pushed himself to his feet. “You just wait. You’ll be hot to hit the road again as soon as that song climbs the charts. You just wait.”

  Jaguar nodded and watched him walk away. A few minutes later Hakim found him and took the seat Max had vacated. Hakim pressed his hands between his knees and looked out over the canyon. Jaguar marked that he had no drink.

  “You staying sober because you have to drive me?”

  Hakim looked over at him. “Naw, I don’t drink. Muslim.”

  “Right.”

  “Why aren’t you drinking?”

  Jaguar blew out air. “I really don’t know. The guitarist…”

  “Maximus Starr?”

  “Right. He offered me some primo pot, but I don’t want that either.” Jaguar looked over his shoulder at the party inside the house, people talking, people dancing, people grinding against each other. He turned back to Hakim. “If I’m being honest, I don’t want to be here.”

  “We can go,” said Hakim.

  Jaguar smiled. “You aren’t having fun, being at a Hollywood party with beautiful men and women?”

  Hakim watched the people inside the house again. “It’s great, if this is your scene, but I’d rather be home. So much quieter.”

  Jaguar laughed. “Ah, Hakim, I think something’s broken inside of me.”

  Hakim frowned. “How so?”

  Jaguar motioned to the house. “This used to be my thing. I loved every minute of it. I’d be in there, getting high, trying to score with some chick I’d never met before. It was so exciting. So alive.” He shook his head. “Now all I want is to put up butterfly decals in my daughter’s room.”

  Hakim nodded. “I think Mr. Jarvis is afraid you won’t come home.”

  Jaguar didn’t think his father cared. It was probably easier on him to have Jaguar gone. “I expect he’s not thinking about me at all.”

  Hakim shook his head, hunching his shoulders. “You’re wrong. He’s proud of you. He told me to watch out for you when we came down here. He said he was glad you were writing music again, but you were going into shark infested waters and you needed someone to watch your back. I told him that was my job and I promised I’d do it.”

  Jaguar frowned. “He told you all this? When?”

  “When I was loading the car to go to the airport.”

  “Where was I?”

  “You were on the phone.”

  Jaguar considered that. He couldn’t believe his father had spared that much thought for him.

  “You’re too hard on him,” continued Hakim. “My father never tells me he loves me.”

  “Yeah, well, same here,” said Jaguar.

  “Men of that generation didn’t do that. It was considered weak. You have to look at the other things he does if you want to see it. You have to look at the way he introduces you to people, the way he talks about you to strangers. That’s how you know what he really thinks.”

  Jaguar thought about that for a moment.

  Hakim shifted uncomfortably. “Am I saying too much?”

  Jaguar’s gaze snapped to the other man’s face. “Saying too much?”

  “Being too forward with you.”

  “No,” said Jaguar. “I want you to be honest. I appreciate it. For so long, people just told me what I wanted to hear. Maddog and Bruno, my other bodyguards, never contradicted me. I like that you tell me what you think.”

  Hakim smiled, ducking his head. “Then, can I tell you I’m ready to go back to the hotel?”

  Jaguar laughed, pushing himself to his feet. “Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here. I’ve had enough Hollywood for one night.”

  CHAPTER 14

  Jaguar nailed the last nail into the board and took a step back, surveying the work. Tate moved to his side and tilted his head, his own hammer dangling from his hand. Jaguar looked over at him.

  “Well, it only took us…” He looked at his cell phone. “Eight hours.”

  “Record time,” said Tate. “The more impressive part is that the thing’s level and it’s not coming down anytime soon.”

  Jaguar twirled the hammer in his hand. “Would you believe that’s the first thing I’ve ever built with my o
wn hands?”

  He felt Tate’s eyes on him and he looked over.

  “Yeah, I’d believe it,” said Tate, then they both laughed.

  The slider opened behind them and Pam walked out, carrying two glasses of iced tea. Condensation beaded on the glass and Jaguar took it, pressing it against his throat. “Thank you,” he said.

  She handed Tate his glass and he took a sip.

  “Wow, that tastes good,” he said. “Thanks.”

  Jaguar sipped as well.

  Pam put her hands on her hips and scrutinized their work. “It’s a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be.”

  Jaguar felt his stomach drop. He so wanted the kids to like it. “Really? I just wanted them to have something to play on out here.”

  “They’re gonna love it,” she said. “I’ll never get them inside now.”

  Suddenly the back door opened, emitting Jasper and Evan. “Is it done?” Jasper asked, his eyes wide with wonder.

  “Sure is. Give it a try,” said Jaguar.

  The boys ran over to the swings and Tate followed, carrying his iced tea. Jaguar watched them begin climbing on the jungle gym, their faces alight with happiness.

  “Thank you,” said Pam beside him. “I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

  He shrugged, sipping at the iced tea. “What’s Pops doing?”

  “Coloring with the girls. He’s making a pink pony.”

  Jaguar raised his brows in surprise. “Well, that’s amazing.”

  She laughed. “Sophia’s actually talking to him.”

  Jaguar couldn’t deny that seemed even more impressive. He couldn’t get Sophia to say three words to him. “When do you think she can come stay with me?”

  Pam’s expression grew troubled and she wrapped her arms around herself. “Soon. I don’t want to rush anything.”

  “I know, but we’re setting up a room for her. I ordered furniture and everything. It should be here in a week.”

  Pam’s back stiffened. “Look, Jaguar, her mother just died. She just met you a few weeks ago. Don’t you think it’s a little early to be forcing a whole new experience on her. She hardly knows you.”

  “I’m not trying to push anything, Pam. I just thought, maybe, we could talk about it.”

  Pam closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Look, this is hard on me.” She motioned to the table on the porch behind them. “Can we sit and talk about it?”

  “Sure.”

  He followed her over to the table and they sat, facing the yard so they could watch the boys at play. Jaguar wanted to pick up the conversation, but he didn’t want to rush Pam. He caught a drop of condensation with his index finger and smoothed it onto the glass.

  “I miss my sister,” Pam finally said. She glanced over at him. “I’m sure that seems weird to you after what she did, but I really miss her.”

  “It doesn’t seem weird.”

  “Sophia’s all that’s left of her. She’s all I have.”

  Not so long ago, Pam had threatened to put Sophia in foster care if he didn’t take her, he thought bitterly, but he wasn’t being fair. She’d been afraid and overwhelmed. People said horrible things when they were feeling trapped. Well, maybe not quite that horrible, but he’d seen Pam with his daughter. She loved the little girl and Sophia loved her.

  “I was there when Sophia was born. I was one of the first people to hold her.”

  But he was her father. He resisted the impulse to say that. He didn’t want an adversarial relationship with Pam.

  “I’m just finding it hard to let go.”

  “We’ll take it slow then,” he said, “but I want Sophia to stay with me part of the time, Pam. I lost five years with her. I know I can’t make up that time, but I don’t want to lose anymore. There’s so much I don’t know about her, so much I just wasn’t there to see. Like, does she start kindergarten in September?”

  “She does. I’ve already enrolled her.” She gave him a gentle smile. “I won’t keep you out of those things, Jaguar. I promise you. In fact, there’s an open house in early September for parents to bring their kids and check out their assigned classroom, meet with the teacher. I’ll get you that date.”

  “That’s good. I want to be there.”

  She shifted to face him. “But that’s the thing, Jaguar. That’s the problem I’m having with letting your relationship with her go any deeper.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You may want to be there, but will you be there? Or will you go back on tour?”

  Jaguar considered that. How could he know? Right now, the tour was just a nebulous plan, but if things went the way Hifler predicted, it would be more than a plan, it would be a reality. The slider opened and the girls came out, each holding one of his father’s hands.

  Pam beamed at them. “Are you done coloring?”

  “We sure are. We put the pictures on the fridge,” said Amanda, skipping and swinging Henry’s hand.

  Henry’s smile was as broad as Amanda’s. He was clearly smitten with both little girls, but Sophia kept her eyes downcast, staring at the ground, both hands clasped around her grandfather’s.

  “Look what Jaguar and Tate made you,” said Pam, pointing to the jungle gym.

  “Oh wow!” exclaimed Amanda, tugging on Henry’s hand. “Let’s go play on it, Pops,” she urged.

  Sophia disengaged herself as Amanda dragged Henry toward the swing set. Pam and Jaguar exchanged a look. Laughter could be heard as the boys played hide and seek with Tate, while Amanda made Henry push her on the swing.

  Jaguar’s heart twisted at the sight of his daughter, watching the other children, her hands clasped under her chin. Pam jerked her head at the little girl, urging him to do something, but what? He didn’t know how to bring Sophia out of her shell.

  He rose to his feet and crossed to her, hunkering down at her side. “You wanna see the fort?”

  She leaned against him and nodded. He rose and took her hand, leading her to the ladder. She scrambled up it and stood at the top, looking down on him. He smiled at her, then he climbed up after her.

  She took his hand and led him into the small building. He had to crawl in on his hands and knees, but he didn’t care. They could hear the screeching of the boys outside the wooden structure as Sophia climbed into his lap, snuggling back against him.

  He rested his chin on the top of her head and sighed, wrapping his arms around her. He couldn’t believe how quickly this little person had stolen his heart. “What do you think?” he asked her, staring up at the wooden beams overhead.

  She didn’t answer, just sat, her small fingers toying with the leather straps tied around his wrist.

  “I had a fort like this when I was a kid. I used to bring my guitar out and play. I pretended that I was playing for the garden gnomes my mother collected and put under the bushes.”

  She tilted her head up and looked at him. He kissed her forehead and she settled back around.

  He wasn’t sure how to break through to her. He didn’t understand children and this one was more baffling than most. She’d already suffered so much loss, it made him ache for her. He pressed his cheek to her hair and closed his eyes.

  “One of the gnomes,” he said, “was a little guy, smaller than the others. He had a red nose and a yellow hood.”

  Sophia’s fingers stilled on his wrist. He could tell she was listening.

  He opened his eyes. “He was also the quiet one. He didn’t like to talk to anyone.”

  She shifted to get more comfortable.

  “He always worried that what he had to say wasn’t as important as the others. They all had stories to tell, they knew so many things that he didn’t know, and he was afraid they’d laugh at him.”

  Jaguar braced his back against the wall of the fort, listening to the children playing around them. He figured Sophia was listening to them also, and he wished she wanted to join them. He’d give anything to see her racing around, laughing like a normal child.
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  “He felt very alone, the littlest gnome, like he didn’t belong anywhere, but his mother told him he had a special gift, something no one else had. He could sing. She’d heard him when he thought he was all alone, wandering among the toadstools. She’d heard him humming to himself at night as he tried to go to sleep. And she told him it was okay to be different. It was okay to be special. He would find his place someday. He would find out where he belonged.”

  Jaguar felt his throat tighten and he swallowed hard. He hadn’t meant this story to take this turn, but it had. Sophia had gone still, listening to him. He wondered if she understood anything that he was telling her.

  “One day, he was out among the toadstools, singing to them like he did when he thought he was alone, but this time he wasn’t. Someone heard him. Someone was listening and they told the others. Before he knew it, the gnomes were all hiding behind the toadstools, trying to hear his song, wanting to be near him. They told him it didn’t matter that he was different, they told him it didn’t matter that he was small, they told him it didn’t matter that he didn’t talk. All that mattered, they said, was that he sing. And so he did. He sang to them everyday and from that day forward, he was never alone again.”

  He drew a deep breath and released it on a sigh. So did Sophia, then she began plucking at his leather wrist bands once more.

  “I miss my mama,” she said in a soft voice.

  Jaguar went still. The words were so quiet, he wasn’t sure he’d heard them. “I miss my mama too,” he said.

  Sophia shifted and looked up at him. “Where is your mama?”

  He gave her a sad smile, smoothing back her long hair. “Heaven,” he answered. “Same place as yours.”

  Her little face grew grim, then she turned around again, leaning back into him. Her hands went to the strings and plucked at them. She didn’t say anything else and he didn’t press it.

  It was enough for now.

  * * *

  Hakim dropped Jaguar and Henry off that night, waving as he drove out of the gated community. Henry watched him go, then he turned for the walkway, making his way to the front door.