Jaguar

by M. L. Hamilton

  “I’m glad you came tonight. It’s very important for the kindergarteners to gradually work their way into this new transition,” she said.

  Jaguar tore his eyes from his daughter and gave the teacher a tight smile. He was glad to see Sophia responding to another child, but even now, she kept him in her line of sight. He wished she had just a little more spirit, a little more feistiness in her.

  “She’s been through a lot,” he said.

  “Yes, I know, but children are amazingly resilient.”

  He held up a hand and gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I have zero experience with children, but Sophia seems so shy, so withdrawn.”

  “Like a butterfly,” said Miss A, watching her.

  Jaguar studied the teacher’s profile. Something about her exuded calm and competence. He could understand why she’d make a good kindergarten teacher. Just standing next to her eased some of the anxiety inside Jaguar.

  “I think you’ll be good for her,” he said.

  Her eyes whipped back to his face and she gave him a bemused smile. He realized he hadn’t really meant to say that out loud. He scratched the back of his neck and looked at the ground, shifting weight.

  “Sorry. I’m really bad with this.”

  “You’re doing fine,” she said, laying a hand on his arm.

  He stared at her hand and realized it had been a long time since someone had touched him with such warmth and gentleness. He looked up into her dark eyes and she drew a breath, drawing her hand away.

  “I should go meet some other parents,” she said, “but if you have any questions for me, don’t hesitate to ask.”

  He nodded, watching her walk away, then he went to the reading area and watched Sophia and her new friend sharing a book, their heads together, pointing at the animals. A while later, Pam returned with the other kids and they all walked to the cars together, Amanda once more taking his hand and skipping beside him, chattering about the wonders of the first grade classroom.

  The boys raced around them, forcing Pam to warn them about the cars trying to leave the parking lot. On his other side, Sophia curled her hand in his and stared up at him. He smiled at her, giving her a wink. She smiled back and laid her head on his forearm.

  Opening the minivan, Pam herded the boys inside first, then Jaguar lifted both Amanda and Sophia into their car seats and buckled the seat belts. When he started to move back, Sophia threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, pressing her little cheek to the side of his face.

  He hugged her in return, emotions rising inside of him, then she released him and he stepped back from the van door. Pam gave him a smile as she shut the slider. He looked away, blinking rapidly, and drew a few deep breaths. He couldn’t believe how emotional these last few weeks had been. Damn, being sober was a bitch.

  “What do you think about keeping Sophia overnight on Labor Day weekend? We could try Saturday night at first, then I could pick her up Sunday afternoon. Maybe we could all go out for pizza that night. Monday we’d go school clothes shopping, the girls and me, then Tuesday morning, you could come with us to take her to school.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, that would be great. That’s this weekend.”

  “Right.”

  “When are you taking the boys to get clothes?”

  “I’ll take them Sunday and we can meet you after we’re done.”

  He stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at the van. “Can I help you buy them clothes?”

  “Jaguar…”

  “No, hear me out. You told them I was their uncle. Well, why can’t I help get them clothes for school? At least let me buy the shoes.”

  She laughed. “Do you realize how often I have to buy shoes?”

  “I remember,” he said. “It’s not charity, Pam. Not if you’re going to let me be part of the family. It’s just what people do.”

  “Okay,” she said, pulling open the driver’s side door. “Okay. You can buy the shoes.”

  “And Sophia’s clothes. Please.”

  “Okay. Sophia’s clothes.”

  “And the pizza.”

  She rolled her eyes, climbing into the van. “We’ll split the pizza,” she said. “Goodnight, Jaguar.”

  “Goodnight, Pam,” he said, then he touched the window by Sophia.

  She leaned over and pressed her hand to his on the other side of the glass. He didn’t move until Pam had driven away. As he walked toward his father’s car, he saw Sophia’s teacher walking to her own car. She waved at him, changing directions to meet him.

  “Thank you for coming tonight,” she said.

  “Thank you.”

  When she gave him a questioning look, he motioned back to the school. “I mean for having the open house. I mean for being here. I mean…”

  She laughed.

  He had a strong urge to ask her out for a drink, but he knew that would be a bad idea on so many levels. First, she was Hakim’s sister. Second, she was Sophia’s teacher, and third, he was probably leaving soon on tour.

  “I just wanted to tell you that I admire what you’re trying to do, Jaguar.”

  His brows rose. “Okay?”

  She laughed again. “I mean, a lot changed for you quite suddenly and yet, here you are, making the best of it.”

  He leaned close to her, dropping his voice. “Don’t tell anyone, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I just pretend like I do.”

  She covered her mouth with her hand, hiding her laugh. He found that charming. Damn, he found a lot charming about her and he knew it was bad that he did.

  “I’m glad Sophia has you for a teacher, Miss A.”

  She reared back, giving him an arch look. “Miss A?”

  “Miss Adowani?” he tried.

  She shook her head. “My name’s Kallista. You can call me that outside of school.”

  Outside of school? Was she flirting with him? He was so out of practice, he wasn’t sure. “Okay, Kallista.” He gave her a smile. “Just don’t tell your brother. I don’t want to get beat up.”

  She waved him off. “Ask him who beat up who when we were growing up. He’s such a pansy.”

  A laugh bubbled out of Jaguar and she blushed, looking down. She motioned to a little hatchback across the parking lot. “I should get home, but it was nice to finally meet you.”

  He nodded. “It was nice to meet you, Kallista,” he said, purring out her name.

  She paused, her lips parting, and he knew she wasn’t immune to him either. Okay, maybe three obstacles weren’t too much to overcome. “Goodnight, Jaguar,” she said and turned, hurrying for her car.

  * * *

  Saturday morning, Jaguar arranged the toys he’d bought Sophia over and over again. He hadn’t been sure what she liked, so he went down the aisles in the toy store in Visalia and bought a bunch of stuff. He realized Sequoia needed a toy store of its own.

  He purchased the requisite girl toys, but he didn’t want to pigeonhole her into gender stereotypes, so he also bought her a football and a soccer ball. Then he’d gone to the bookstore and stocked up on books the helpful teenage worker said were the hot ones for five year olds. He’d carefully arranged them in the bookcase three times – once alphabetically, once by color, and finally by animal, vegetable or mineral. He wasn’t sure why he’d landed on the last one, but it worked.

  He’d also found a fluffy yellow duckling in the store and bought it in memory of his mother. That lay in the middle of her bed. Henry had picked out a blue butterfly quilt to go with the decals on the walls and Zion had recommended dust ruffles and curtains in crisp white. Trixie Taylor, the owner of Trinkets by Trixie, had found him a blue butterfly throw-rug, which he’d laid in the middle of the floor. Henry had bought a small table and chairs online, and had scored a number of coloring books and crayons.

  When the doorbell rang, Jaguar almost jumped out of his skin. He hurried out into the living room and came to a halt as Henry let Pam, Amanda, and Sophia into the house. Sophia tugged a little pink suitcase with white
casters after her and she clung to Pam’s hand.

  “Good morning,” Pam said.

  “Morning,” said Henry.

  Jaguar nodded, but he didn’t trust himself to speak. Sophia had her same anxious expression, looking up at him through her lashes, while Amanda bounced into the room, a ball of energy.

  “Mama said to say your house is nice. Why do you have a gate on the road? Are they afraid to let you out?” she asked Henry.

  Henry and Pam laughed, then Pam put a restraining hand on her daughter’s head. “Manners, Amanda,” she said.

  “The gate’s to make sure the trees stay outside,” said Henry.

  Amanda tilted her head, giving him a skeptical look. “I saw trees inside.”

  Henry held out his hands. “I know. It’s not working.”

  Amanda giggled and Jaguar caught Sophia’s faint laugh. That was good. He relaxed a little when he saw it. He stepped forward and hunkered down in front of his daughter. “You wanna see your room?”

  “Yeah,” said Amanda. “Show us now.”

  Jaguar gave Pam a surprised glance and she shook her head at her daughter.

  “Manners, Amanda,” she said again.

  “Can I take your bag, my lady?” said Jaguar in a pretend British accent.

  Sophia smiled and ducked her head, but she surrendered the suitcase to him. He rose to his feet and took her free hand, guiding her to the hallway. Jaguar made sure to block the entrance, so Sophia could get the first look at her room without Amanda interfering.

  Sophia stepped inside and stared around at everything with wonder, turning a circle in the middle of the room. Pam peeked over Jaguar’s shoulder.

  “This is amazing, Jaguar,” she said.

  He shrugged. “Pops did most of the work.”

  “Bah,” said Henry.

  Jaguar stepped inside and Amanda took the opportunity to shove her way in behind him. “Wow, I want a room like this, Mama.”

  Jaguar mouthed sorry to Pam, but she just shrugged. Amanda raced around, looking at everything, lifting things and putting them down. She pulled a book from the book shelf. “We got this one,” she told him, holding it up.

  “Good, the boy at the bookstore was right then,” he answered. She walked over to the toy chest and reached inside, pulling out a football. She gave Jaguar an arch look. “Football?”

  “Girls can play football,” he said.

  Pam laughed. “Of course they can.”

  Jaguar walked over to the bed and took a seat on it. He picked up the yellow duckling and motioned Sophia over. She came to him and rested her hand on his knee. He held the duckling out to her.

  “My mother liked ducks a lot. Maybe later we can walk down to the pond and feed them.”

  Sophia accepted the duck, rubbing her face on the fluffy yellow coat. “I like ducks too,” she said in a soft voice.

  “What do you have for snacks?” asked Amanda, clearly bored with the room now.

  Jaguar open his mouth, but he didn’t know what they had by way of snacks. Thankfully, Pam intervened again. “We’re leaving. We don’t have time for snacks.” She walked over to Sophia and knelt beside her. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow afternoon and we’ll go for pizza. Okay?”

  Sophia nodded, holding the duck close.

  “If you need me, you just tell Jaguar to call me. Okay?”

  Sophia nodded again.

  Pam leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. “Can I have a hug?”

  Sophia clung to her aunt a moment, but Henry stepped into the room, moving to the table. “I bought some coloring books, Sophia. Wanna look at them with me?”

  Sophia released her aunt and wandered over to the table, taking a seat in one of the chairs. Jaguar rose and walked Pam and Amanda to the front door, stepping out on the porch.

  While Amanda raced around the yard, spinning in circles, Pam turned to Jaguar. “You’ll be fine.”

  “Does she ever say more than three words?”

  “She does. She’s just feeling shy, Jaguar. This is a big change for her.”

  “Do you think we should take her to see someone?”

  “Who?”

  “A counselor?”

  “Not right now. Let’s give her a little more time.” She put her hand on his arm. “Just keep doing what you’re doing and everything will work itself out.”

  He nodded, but he still wasn’t sure, his eyes going past her to the little girl collapsing on the grass, giggling wildly. He’d give anything to see his own daughter be so uninhibited. Pam watched her as well.

  “Don’t judge Sophia by Amanda, Jaguar,” she said. “Every child’s an individual. Sophia was never rambunctious like this one.” She held out her hand. “But she’s strong in her own way. I promise you that.”

  “Okay. Thank you. I’ll call if we have any problems.”

  Pam smiled at him. “You won’t. You’ll be just fine.” Then she turned down the walkway, motioning Amanda to her. Jaguar watched until they pulled away, then he went back into the house, heading for Sophia’s room.

  He found Henry and Sophia coloring at the table, their heads nearly touching. He watched them for a moment, then he decided he would make lunch. He didn’t want to do anything that would disrupt his father’s time with his granddaughter.

  * * *

  The day passed quickly. They walked Sophia to the pond and she fed the ducks, giggling when silly birds came running out of the water toward her. Then she helped Jaguar make dinner by setting the table, while he made hamburgers and French fries. He was surprised when she offered to set the table, but she said she’d done it all the time for her mama. She did tell Jaguar he needed to get her a step stool so she could reach the dishes, and Jaguar made a mental note to get one the next time Hakim drove him into town.

  Taking a seat at the table, he watched his daughter’s little hands folding the napkins and putting them beside the plates.

  “Folded napkins?” he said, smiling.

  She gave him a sideways look as if that was a ridiculous statement. It was the first spark of anything but shyness he’d seen and he treasured it.

  “Mama said a table should always have napkins.”

  “Did you always eat at the table? Pops and me, we eat in the living room sometimes?”

  “Mama said dinnertime was family time. No TV.”

  Jaguar smoothed her hair. “I like that. Do you think we should have that rule here?”

  She gave him a bewildered look. “Yes.”

  He laughed. “Done.”

  Her face darkened and she looked down at her hands. “Sometimes Mama couldn’t eat. I had to eat by myself.”

  Jaguar closed his eyes briefly. No child should have to watch her mother die.

  She looked up at him. “Do you get sick ever?”

  He reached for her and pulled her onto his lap, resting his chin on the top of her head. “Your mama had a very bad sickness, Sophia, but I don’t have that. I’m fine.”

  “Will you ever have it?”

  He leaned back, so he could look her in the eyes. “I can’t tell you that, I wish I could, but I plan to stay around for a long, long time.”

  She sank into him, resting her head on his chest. “Did your mama have the sickness?”

  Jaguar sighed. He so wasn’t good at talking about stuff like this, but he knew she needed to hear it, hear that she wasn’t alone in losing her mother. “She had a different sickness, but it was just as bad.”

  Sophia nodded against him. “Thank you for my bedroom,” she said. “I had one with Mama, but now I share with Amanda.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, hugging her a little tighter. “You are so welcome, little girl.”

  After dinner and a cartoon musical on the television, Jaguar helped Sophia get her teeth brushed and she put on the new pajamas he’d bought her, then she’d asked Henry to read her a story.

  Jaguar stood in the doorway of her room, watching his father sitting next to the little girl, reading from one of the
books he’d bought her. She was holding the yellow duckling and smiling. He couldn’t believe how much life this shy child had breathed back into the house. So much of the time, he and his father walked past one another, never speaking, going about their lives, but today had been all about Sophia, both of them concentrating on her.

  His phone rang and he stepped out of the doorway, not wanting to disrupt them. He walked into the living room and thumbed it on, putting it to his ear. “Desmond?” he said.

  “Hey, if it isn’t nature boy. You done communing with the redwoods and stuff yet? Come on, you gotta miss the bright lights and sushi.”

  Jaguar didn’t respond. He knew Hifler would never understand that he didn’t miss it. Stating so would only make Hifler scoff at him, telling him he was lying to himself. “What’s up?”

  “Drum roll please,” said Hifler and Jaguar could hear a drumming sound on the line.

  He waited it out, finding his attention was more on the room he’d left than this phone call.

  “Shadow Eyes is number one on iTunes.”

  That stopped him cold. “What? Wasn’t it just released a few days ago?”

  “Yep. Top of the charts, baby! Can you believe it?”

  Jaguar couldn’t. He stared out the window to the quiet street, his heart hammering in his ears. His song had hit number one this quickly? They hadn’t had a hit in years, and he didn’t ever remember reaching the top this fast before.

  “Have we ever made it to the top this soon?”

  “Never, baby! That’s what I’m talking about!” Hifler shouted into the phone. “Tell me you’ve got about nine more of the same. Shit, I’ll even take nine more half-assed if you want to know the truth. Anaconda’s back! We’re trending on Twitter and don’t even get me started about YouTube. Every Anaconda music video’s getting millions of views now.”

  Jaguar laughed. “That’s amazing.”

  “Record sales are up and I’ve got concert promoters calling to find out when we’re gonna be touring. I need you to get your ass back down here. We gotta talk tour dates!”

  “Okay. Okay.”

  “When can you come?”

  “Um, I’ll look into flying down on Wednesday.”