Homecoming

by Reana Malori

  As the three of them walked up to the front door of her childhood church, butterflies took flight in her stomach. Not in a good way. It was a nauseous feeling. Janae had to force herself to continue moving forward when everything in her screamed for her to run away. To ignore the elephant in the room. The fight or flight instinct rushed through her body, and more than anything, she wanted to choose flight.

  As her gaze turned to Noah holding Nicole in his arms, she smiled. Her two favorite people in the world laughed and talked as they strolled up the walkway, and she knew there would be no running away. Not today. Not ever. She’d faced this challenge on her own for too damn long to turn tail now.

  Noah would see exactly what she’d gone through. The side glances. The judgment. The innuendo. It wasn’t as bad as it was when she was waddling around town with a large belly and no wedding ring, but it was still there. Just under the surface.

  Then again, since he was here with her, maybe they’d keep their opinions to themselves. Maybe they would back off for one day. Leave the three of them alone and let them enjoy church services. Laughing to herself, she knew that hope was far-fetched. These people didn't know how to leave well enough alone.

  They questioned everything and judged everyone. If anyone didn’t live up to the expectations they’d been shackled with, everyone seemed to have an opinion as to what went wrong. It tore at her soul and self-esteem every day for years. They called her a white man’s whore, bed wench, Jezebel, and any other name they could think of, to describe how they felt about her sleeping someone other than who they deemed appropriate.

  This building, this place of worship, wasn’t a safe space for Janae. It was a constant reminder of her numerous failings. Of how she’d lived life on her own terms and had the nerve to not apologize for it. Old ladies told her they’d pray for her soul. Young women held their men a little tighter when in her vicinity. As if she wanted their no-good ass men. Hell, Noah put every single one of them to shame, and once they got a load of him, they’d realize it too.

  Seeing her mother standing outside of the church doors, Janae paused. Her legs were frozen in place, and she couldn't go any further. Her breathing began to speed up and her palms started to sweat. She'd forgotten the other part of today's excursion. Her parents would finally meet Noah, the father of her child, the person she avoided naming for all these years.

  “Janae? You okay?” Noah's brow dipped in confusion as he looked between Janae and the older woman standing in front of them. Nicole sat in his arms as the two of them stared at her with the same expression of concern.

  Janae knew she was acting weird. Freaking out when they had no understanding of what was happening. She tilted her head in the direction of her mother, just as her mother turned in their direction. Janae took a deep breath, alerting Noah that something was about to happen. Stepping closer to her, he rubbed one large hand down her arm. Voice low, he leaned his head down to speak, “Sweetheart, what's wrong?”

  Janae couldn't respond. The words wouldn't come out of her mouth. She wanted to turn around and return to Noah’s truck. She didn't want to do this. Now that people would know exactly who Noah was, she could only imagine the vitriol that would spew from their mouths. All the women in the church who constantly looked at her with disdain would use this to validate all the hateful things they said about her. She wasn't ready for this. Her mind wasn't ready. Her heart wasn't ready. Glancing at Noah, she knew exactly why she hadn't told her parents who he was.

  And her cowardice was about to be put on full display.

  “Janae?” Her mother called out to them when she saw them standing there on the sidewalk. “What are you doing just standing over there? Are you okay?” Her mother glanced over at Noah, giving him a curious glance before she turned her gaze to Nicole resting comfortably in his arms. Her eyes swung back and forth from Nicole to Noah to Janae, and back again. Her eyes widened with sudden clarity, and Janae knew her mother had figured it out.

  Janae watched in horror as Noah extended his hand towards her mother. “Good morning, ma’am. I'm Noah Braddock. It's nice to meet you.” Noah’s hand was extended for a few extra—uncomfortable—seconds until Janae’s mother finally reached out and grabbed it with her smaller one.

  “It's nice to meet you as well, Noah. How do you know my daughter and granddaughter?” As they released their handshake, Noah’s gaze shifted between Janae and her mother with one eyebrow raised in question.

  Janae closed her eyes, mortified. She knew Noah, even if she tried to deny their connection. There was no way in hell he wouldn’t tell the truth. He was proud to be Nicole's father, and she had no doubt he'd tell the whole world if he could. Wild horses couldn’t stop this moment from happening. Her breathing continued to come out at a rapid pace, and she wanted to hide. But she couldn’t. That option was off the table. Although she’d come to realize the huge role she played in this debacle, there was nothing she could do but watch the train wreck happen.

  “I knew Janae from a while back when I was here on temporary duty.” Noah was about to continue when Nicole interjected herself into the conversation.

  “He's my daddy,” she exclaimed. Wrapping her tiny arms around Noah’s neck, she pulled her body closer to his while she smiled at her shocked grandmother.

  Others heard Nicole’s outburst and turned in their direction. Janae looked at Noah and her daughter and noticed the two of them smiling at each other. Her heart squeezed at the vision they made. Another part of her knew this was probably the best moment they would have all day. Glancing back at her mother, she saw the shocked expression on her face morph into a look of anger, frustration, and disappointment.

  “Momma. Before you start, just let me explain.”

  “Janae Marie Hayward,” she hissed. “I cannot believe you right now. You could have called to give us a heads up. Is this your idea of a joke?”

  Janae stood frozen as she watched her father come out from around the back of the church. He must have been alerted to Janae’s presence with a tall white man. His gaze homed in on that same white man holding Nicole in his arms. Her father quickly walked over to them, a frown on his face, as he tried to intercept the conversation.

  As soon as he arrived where they were standing, he whispered harshly to his wife. “Beverly, this is not the place for this. Do you want our daughter’s business all over this church front yard? This is something we need to talk about when we go home after service. I will not have this family the topic of gossip. Again.”

  Janae's mother shot him a surprised glare as he spoke. Her hand motioned towards Noah as if to proclaim, Do you see what is happening? Janae’s father shook his head without saying another word and tried to muster a smile on his face. He looked at Noah.

  “Hello, young man. I'm not sure if this is the welcome you were expecting. But as you know, Sunday is a day for forgiveness and peace. Let’s focus on reconciliation and time with the good Lord, our father. Whatever else is happening here or going on with you and Janae and my granddaughter, now is not the time for us to address it.” Glancing at his wife, he sent her a hard look. “We have a church service starting in a few minutes. We need to get ourselves inside and make sure everyone is seated. After we finish up today, I invite you back to our home with Janae and Nicole. Maybe we can all sit down and figure out what's happening and where we go from here.”

  Janae hadn't spoken a word besides trying to address her mother when they’d first arrived. Turning her eyes to Noah, she saw his face was tensed in anger. His brow was furrowed, and his lips pursed tight. She didn't know if he was upset with her for not defending him and their relationship, or if he was upset at the reaction from Janae's mother upon seeing him standing by Janae’s side.

  Either way, she knew she hadn’t handled the situation the way she should have. She’d clammed up like a child being disciplined. Behaved as if she couldn't stand up for herself or the man standing next to her. She’d allowed her mother to basically disresp
ect her and Noah in front of his face. She knew Noah would never turn his anger upon her mother. That’s not the type of man he was. As she watched her father pull her mother away and enter the church, Janae turned towards Noah.

  “Noah. It’s not what you think. Let me explain.”

  The fire in Noah's eyes made her clamp her lips shut. There was no getting away from this. “You never even told them my name?”

  Hurt was reflected in his eyes. She almost reached out to touch him but stopped when he adjusted Nicole in his arms.

  “I didn't know how to tell them.” Which was a true statement. How do you explain to your parents that you had a boyfriend for over six months and never bothered to tell them about him? A man who came to visit you on the weekends only and left you without a backward glance or a goodbye. The words to tell them she just so happened to be pregnant and he doesn’t know because he didn’t care enough to pick up a phone or read an email never came out. How would she explain something like that to them? The fact was, she couldn't. She’d been too afraid. Too embarrassed. And when people begin calling her names, white man's whore, bed wench, and so many more, it had all become too much.

  “Not good enough. You sat there frozen, while your mother looked at me as if I was dirt on the bottom of her shoe. You let me walk into this situation with my daughter in my arms and allowed your mother to treat me as if I didn't belong here. That tells me more about you than it does about her.”

  Wetness filled Janae’s eyes and trailed a path down her cheeks. She realized the truth of his words. In a matter of seconds, being in her parents’ presence had reverted her to a child. What was wrong with her? She wanted him to treat her as his partner. Like a woman who could stand on her own. Someone who could handle the harshness of his world. Yet, she’d just shown him the opposite. “I’m sorry,” was all she could manage to whisper, and she knew her words would never be enough.

  Parishioners walked by the three of them standing there on the sidewalk. The odd looks thrown their way gave away their silent thoughts. They knew something was going on. The whispers reached her ears as people began to question out loud who Noah was. She was positive word had already begun to travel that he was Nicole's father. Here she stood again, on the outside. This wasn't right. This wasn't how the day was supposed to go. Something inside her knew something would go wrong when they arrived at church. As soon as Noah said he wanted to attend services with them, she knew this would be the inevitable result.

  Janae had a choice to make.

  Was she going to stand up to the judgmental people in her family church? Or would she turn tail, run away, and hide? Was she ashamed of Noah? No. That wasn’t it all. But she’d grown up in this town. Heard all the horror stories about slavery, segregation, Jim Crow laws, and the lingering racism that still existed in North Carolina.

  Some in the community have never forgotten the civil rights battles that took place in their state. The Greensboro Sit-Ins at the Woolworth’s counter in 1960. Or the prosecution of the Wilmington Ten, their trial, and the belief they’d been set up by local police and prosecutors. People in North Carolina had long memories, and some were still living in the past. Things were changing but not fast enough.

  She didn’t live her life for others and tried to never let prejudices drive her. When she’d met Noah, his skin color hadn’t mattered one bit. Even though she knew it would matter to those closest to her, she hadn’t cared about anything else but being with him. All she’d seen was a man she’d wanted to spend more time with, get to know better, and eventually, they fell in love. Or at least she fell in love.

  Janae knew if she didn't face this today, there would be more questions waiting for her tomorrow. Glancing at Noah, she knew he would do whatever she wanted. She also knew Noah wanted to confront this head-on.

  “What are we doing, Janae? Are going forward or turning around?” Noah stood in front of her, their daughter in his arms, waiting for her to choose.

  That was the question of the day. Wasn’t it? Could she move forward and continue to live life on her terms, or would she crumble under the pressure? If she couldn’t stand up for her and Noah with her family and their community, maybe she didn’t deserve him after all. In the past, she'd been ashamed of what people thought of her and Nicole. She now knew it was because of her own issues. Growing up in a strict Southern Baptist family, life had been about following the Bible, repentance, and doing right in the eyes of God.

  Her time with Noah was the first time she’d done something other than what was expected of her. Being with him felt like home. He made her feel loved. Time was no longer on her side. She needed to decide how she was going to live her life from this point forward. Although she told Noah they should slow down, it wasn't what her heart wanted. If anything, she wanted to go full steam ahead. Denying what they meant to each other didn't feel right to her soul.

  What they felt for each other and the love they’d shared had created a tiny little miracle, one who was sitting in her father's arms, smiling at them. Looking at Noah, Janae moved to stand in front of him. She didn't want any confusion about the words she was going to say.

  “I'm sorry, Noah. There's more to this than I can explain right now.” Shaking her head, she looked off to the side for a moment. “My parents and I have a complicated relationship.”

  He sighed deeply before reaching out a hand to caress her jawline. “Sweetheart, you don’t have to explain anything else. You know I’ve never cared about the color of your skin, Janae. All I cared about was how I felt when I was with you and how good we were together. I never want you to think I left because I found you lacking or I didn’t want to share who we were with the world. That was never the case. You were everything to me, and it scared the hell outta me. Loving each other was never our issue.”

  Wetness lingered in her eyes as she listened to his words. She wanted to turn around and take her family away from here. Not because she was afraid, but because she didn’t want this moment ruined by what she expected to be a hellacious afternoon.

  Noah nodded his head toward the doors, “We’re here now. The three of us are going to walk in that church together.”

  Janae’s knees were shaking. Walking inside with Noah by her side would send a message to everyone in the church. She no longer cared what they thought about her. She'd almost forgotten that this was her life to live, not theirs. And if living her life to the fullest meant being with Noah, then that's what she would do.

  Noah reached out his hand to Janae. “Baby, we can do this. Are you ready to go inside?”

  She smiled before placing her smaller hand inside his. “Yes, it's time to face the jury.”

  CHAPTER 15

  Noah

  Noah was livid. His hands were shaking due to the depths of his anger at what was happening right in front of him. Janae sat next to him stiff as a board, hands clenched in her lap, eyes straight ahead as she stared at the pulpit. Noah almost got up and left with Nicole several times. This was the most ridiculous situation he’d ever found himself in.

  That these people would claim to be Christians was a joke. Noah curled his lip in disgust as he caught the sly glances from some of the congregation, and the pointed one from the preacher. The preacher stood in front of the full congregation and preached Luke 15: 11-32, the well-known parable about the prodigal son. The irony of today’s topic was not lost on him. Yeah, he was getting his daughter the fuck out of this backward ass town.

  It always amazed him how people judged others by the color of their skin. Especially in the name of religion or their God. This was the church Janae had grown up in. These people had known her since she was a small child. Yet they sat here judging her simply because she chose to be with someone who wasn’t black. The preacher’s voice caught his attention.

  “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ Can I get an Amen?”

  “Amen,” a ch
orus of voices sung out.

  He continued, “As I look around today, I see many who have been on this road. Who left the homes of loving mothers and fathers, and turned away from their teachings, and the teachings of the church. Who felt your way of life was better than what you’d been taught. The right way to live. The right way to worship.” A crescendo of voices yelled out amen and hallelujah as the preacher wiped his brow. “Some of y’all don’t wanna hear me though. You’re still out there living life as you please. Thumbing your nose at your parents’ teachings. Forgotten the long road we’ve traveled to get where we are…”

  Noah tuned out his words at that point. He knew the preacher was focusing some of his words towards Janae. Fucking hypocrite. Janae was not a dark-skinned woman. Neither was her mother nor her father. He smiled at the hypocrisy displayed by so many sitting around them. About half of the church looked as if they were the product of some type of interracial pairing. There were even Latino and Asian parishioners at the church. Yet Janae's mother and father, who was also a Bishop, wore looks of shame and embarrassment. As if Janae had betrayed them, the church, and her entire race.

  The longer he sat there, the more he understood why Janae hadn’t said anything to them about who he was. Glancing to his left, he saw the woman Sharon, the one who’d been at the ballet class with them yesterday. The smirk on her face was telling. She knew exactly what was happening. She’d probably started sharing the news of Noah's presence yesterday, getting people riled up. Making them question everything Janae said to them in the past. Leaning towards Janae, Noah whispered, “How much longer do we need to stay? I’m ready to storm that pulpit.”