Hate the Way He Loves Me

by Stacey Covington-Lee

  “But what are you going to do?” Martha asked as she tried to gain control of her emotions.

  “I don’t know yet, but one thing I can guarantee you is that I’ll figure something out and I won’t die in the process. I’m taking my life back, I’m not a piece of property and I don’t belong to Ramon. It may take me a minute, but I will get out of this situation and live the life that I deserve.”

  Zoe took the disturbing picture and hid it in her car. She retrieved the box of her jewelry and papers and took them up to the apartment. She tucked them in the back of her mother’s closet for safe keeping. By the time Pam arrived home, Martha and Zoe had managed to pull themselves together and act like they were just sitting around waiting for Pam to show up so that the shopping could commence. But when Pam entered the house, she looked as if she’d seen a ghost. Her skin was pale and tears were streaming down her face.

  “Pam what’s wrong?” Zoe asked even though she was afraid to hear the answer.

  “I just saw Otis.”

  “Where, where did you see him?” Zoe screamed.

  “Outside, he was standing between two cars right out front,” Pam sniffled.

  Martha went to comfort her child and Zoe ran out the door to see if she could spot her father. Not only was Otis nowhere to be found, but Zoe didn’t even spot two cars that were parked directly beside one another. She ran to the back side of the building and still nothing. Zoe ran back up the stairs and into the apartment. “I didn’t see him anywhere. Are you sure it was Otis?”

  “I could have sworn it was but maybe I was wrong,” Pam said as she shook her head.

  “While you were out looking for him, I called up his sister. She said that Otis hasn’t left Washington since being released. As a matter of fact, she just saw him yesterday,” Martha informed them.

  “I feel so stupid,” Pam said. “But I could have sworn that was him, I mean it looked just like him. A few years older and not as heavy, but still it looked just like him.”

  ~~~~

  Zoe was running a little late but still made time to stop by the police station and have the disturbing photo of she and Pam added to her file. She wanted to provide the cops with every bit of incriminating information that she could so that if anything happened to her or Pam, they would know who was responsible. She hustled in the front door and was greeted by an agitated Ramon.

  “Where have you been? I told you to be on time and here you are twenty minutes late. Where were you?” Ramon barked.

  “Babe, I’m so sorry I’m running behind. I was late dropping Mama and Pam off.”

  “You got five minutes to get yourself together. If you’re not ready when I head out that door, that’s your ass, you understand?”

  “I’ll only be a minute,” Zoe reassured him. She darted off to the bedroom, ripped off her clothes and jumped into the other outfit she’d laid out earlier. She quickly stepped into a pair of flats, smeared on some lipstick and walked back into the front room. “I’m ready.”

  “What’s with the little flat shoes? Go throw on a pair of those sexy heels I like to see you in.”

  “We’re just going to Rich’s house and I want to be comfortable. It’s a fight party for goodness sake, not a debutant ball,” Zoe said sarcastically. But one look into his eyes let her know that her desire to wear comfortable shoes wouldn’t be worth the fight. She slipped on her black pumps and they headed out for the evening.

  Candy opened the door with a big smile plastered on her face, but Zoe couldn’t tell if it was genuine or not. It was hard to read Candy, she had a great body and pretty face, but her eyes looked so tired, so hopeless. “Y’all come on in,” she said as she waved them in with her hand. “Make yourselves comfortable and let’s get ready to enjoy the fight.”

  “Hey Candy, you’ve got it smelling good in here,” Ramon complimented.

  “Hi Candy, it’s good to see you,” Zoe smiled. “It is smelling good in here. Is there anything I can help you with in the kitchen?”

  “I’ve just about got everything done, but you can come on in there with me for a little girl talk while the guys do their thing,” Candy offered.

  As they passed through the living room, Zoe waved hello to Rich and attempted to give him a smile but her expression looked more like she’d just encountered a foul smell. Zoe had never been any good at hiding her feelings, they were usually written all over her face, and her hatred for Rich for no exception.

  “Looking good Zoe. I’m digging those heels,” Rich said with a smile.

  “Thanks,” Zoe replied dryly without even looking in his direction. She just continued her short journey to the kitchen

  Rich chuckled, “Your girl is a trip with her little snooty ass. She don’t even know how to say thank you without an attitude.”

  “Nah man, she’s all good. Probably just acting that way because I was rushing her. I swear she’s slow as hell,” Ramon commented, not wanting Rich to know how Zoe really felt about him.

  “Well attitude or not, she is still fine as hell. I bet you be wearing that ass out, don’t you?”

  Ramon blushed like a little school boy as he slapped Rich’s hand. “Man you know how it is, I gotta make it do what it do,” he boasted.

  While the guys talked their trash, Zoe decided to engage Candy in a little more conversation. She wanted to know if Candy’s life with Rich was as bad as hers was with Ramon. “So tell me Candy, how long have you and Rich been dating?”

  “Oh Lord, it seems like forever, but in actuality we’ve been together for about four and a half years. Can you believe we met in a strip club?” Candy asked as she chuckled and shook her head.

  “Really? Were you a dancer or were you just hanging out there with your girls?” Zoe asked. In this day and time it seemed like women hung out at strip clubs just like the men did and she didn’t want to make any incorrect assumptions.

  “I was hanging out with a large group of friends celebrating. A co-worker was getting married and we thought we’d throw him a surprise co-ed bachelor party. We were having a ball until Rich mistook me for a stripper. I never understood why, I wasn’t looking trashy or anything and his little mistake almost caused a brawl between him and the guys that were in our group. But he apologized, said he didn’t want any beef and bought my entire party a round of drinks. Stupid me, I thought he was a baller and when he managed to catch me alone he apologized again, offered to buy me dinner, and the rest is history.”

  “Can I ask you one more question?”

  “Zoe, you can ask me anything you like,” Candy reassured.

  “Whenever I see you you’re always smiling but still look so sad. Why is that, aren’t you happy with Rich?”

  “Damn, what’s a man gotta do to get some food up in here? Y’all need to hurry your asses up, we’re hungry,” Rich bellowed from the other room.

  “I’m sad for the same reasons you are Zoe,” she admitted as she finished placing food on a tray. “We’ll be out in just a second,” she yelled back to Rich.

  “Have you ever thought about leaving,” Zoe’s curiosity propelled her to ask.

  “Sure, I packed my things one day and by the time Rich got home from work I was long gone. But he found me at my cousin’s house, did this to me, and threatened to kill my mama if I didn’t come back,” Candy said as she raised her skirt to reveal a six inch jagged scar that had been etched into her thigh. “We’d better get this food out to them before they get ugly.”

  Zoe spent the rest of the evening watching Candy pretend to be happy. And although she didn’t know when or how, she knew that she had to get away from Ramon. She couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life under this suffocating cloud of misery. Somehow, some way, she would have to escape or die trying.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Alvin had been such a comfort to Pam and to Martha for that matter. They had not bothered to tell Zoe that Pam had seen who she thought was Otis another three times. Of course the first thing Pam wanted to do was pick up t
he phone and have Zoe run right over. But Martha knew all that Zoe was dealing with and didn’t want to add any additional stress on top of what was already weighing her down. Besides, Martha was convinced that Pam was just imagining it all.

  After the second sighting, it took Martha a solid hour to calm Pam down. The girl was all but hysterical and Martha had to restrain herself from slapping the hell out of her just to shut her up. But instead, she got on the phone with Alvin and he immediately raced over. He did a thorough search of the surrounding apartment buildings but came up empty handed. And it was the same thing each time, Pam saw Otis, but no one else did. Concerned for her mental state, Alvin decided to escort Pam to an emergency therapy session.

  As comfortable as Pam had always been with her therapist, Dr. Shellie Frost, she was feeling incredibly uncomfortable about having to pay her a visit under these circumstances. Her mom or Alvin had never told her that they thought she was having hallucinations, but she knew that’s what they were thinking. She would be crushed if that’s what the therapist thought as well. She and Alvin had been waiting patiently in the waiting room and with loving eyes, Alvin watched as Pam nervously picked at her cuticles. He was worried that if she kept trying to pluck away dry skin her hands would begin to bleed.

  “Sweetheart, why don’t you give those poor hands a break?” he spoke softly as he took her hand in his.

  “I’m sorry, you must think I’m losing my mind,” Pam replied, fearful that he really did think she was going crazy. Alvin had been the best thing to ever happen to Pam and she didn’t want this, whatever it was, to make him want to leave her. Pam’s eyes began to water at the thought of separating from her love and she was grateful that the receptionist called her name before a tear could fall. They were ushered into the office where Shellie was waiting.

  “Good afternoon, come on in and take a seat,” Shellie offered in a cheerful voice.

  “Hi, Shellie, thank you for seeing us on such short notice.” Pam took a seat on the couch and Alvin sat right beside her, still holding her hand.

  “No problem, I’ll always make time for my favorite patient. Now tell me what’s going on.”

  “The other weekend I could have sworn that I saw my father. I mean I would have bet my life that it was him but no one else saw him. And since then I’ve seen him three more times,” Pam’s voice trembled.

  “The last couple of times that you thought you saw him, did you attempt to speak to him, call his name, or anything?”

  “No, I mean I called his name the first time and he just stood there and looked at me, but these last few times I…I…wasn’t quite as positive it was him so I just hurried away,” Pam stuttered.

  “What makes you so positive that it was really him the first time?” Shellie asked softly.

  “His face, the way he was standing, watching me, it was eerie. Every muscle in my body tensed up and I know it might sound crazy, but I know my father and I’ll go to my grave believing that it was Otis.”

  “I see…” Shellie said as she tapped her pen on the arm of her chair. “Alvin, have you been with her any of the other times she thought she saw him?”

  “Unfortunately not. Either she was on her way to meet me or we’d just separated. But I tell you, I hate what this is doing to her,” he replied with concern etched in his face.

  “Well what’s important is that you’re here for her and continue to support her during all of this. And Pam, I don’t know if you really saw Otis or not that first time, but I think the shock of that encounter has triggered a serious case of paranoia. I think that you realize that the other sightings really weren’t of your father, but you’re so afraid of the possibility of seeing him that you’re now imagining that he’s everywhere. Does that sound like it could be what’s going on with you?”

  “I suppose so,” Pam spoke softly. Tears started to run down her face. “I know I saw him that first time and I’m not crazy, Shellie. I’m not some paranoid schizophrenic,” she wept.

  “Oh Pam, I know that! I simply mean that the shock of that first encounter has you so terribly afraid that you’re now worried about seeing Otis everywhere you go. Now please tell me if I have it wrong?”

  “That sounds right, Shellie,” Pam confessed. “So what’s next, do you want to institutionalize me or put me on some meds that’s going to have me walking around like a zombie?”

  “Surely you don’t want to do either of those things,” Alvin chimed in. “She’s not some nut case.”

  “No, guys, I actually don’t plan to do anything except schedule more visits with you. I want us to be able to talk more frequently and work through this without taking any drastic measures. Besides, you’re doing great on your job, you’re in a loving relationship, and your family life is good. We don’t want to jeopardize any of that or take the joy out of your life. We simply need to manage the anxiety of this Otis business and we’ll do that through good old fashioned conversation and techniques to help you determine if you’re really seeing Otis or just another Joe on the street.”

  Pam was relieved that Shellie hadn’t wanted to take any drastic measures and relieved more so that Alvin had been and vowed to continue to be by her side, to support her through all of this non sense. They had left the therapist’s office and grabbed some lunch at the Flying Biscuit. Alvin absolutely loved that place, especially their famous creamy grits and the scrambled eggs with collard greens and onions. Pam thought that the restaurant was decent and always had the same chocolate chip muffin and cappuccino. She preferred to eat elsewhere, but her man loved it so she happily tolerated it. With full bellies, they made their way back to Pam and Martha’s apartment. Martha was still at work for at least another four hours so the love birds decided to chill there and take a little nap.

  They hadn’t been laying down a good five minutes before thoughts of a nap were replaced by thoughts of making love. Alvin touched Pam’s body gently, just the way she liked. He was always mindful of how delicate he needed to be with her. It was his goal to replace every fear Pam had of men and of love making with a beautiful memory. He kissed her sweetly and whispered how much he loved her as he freed her from her clothes. Softly he nibbled at her neck and her breasts and traveled south to kiss and lick her pleasure spot. Pam moaned her approval and when she thought she could take no more, he whispered, “Are you ready baby?”

  “Ummm yes...” Pam purred seductively.

  Alvin entered her with care and allowed her to set the pace of their strokes. And gradually they went from slow and methodical to free and rhythmic. There were no acrobatics, no changing positions like porn stars, no dirty talk, but for them it was absolutely beautiful.

  Pam and Alvin fell asleep and stayed that way until Martha came home, walked through the house and found them on the bed butt naked. “Oh my Lord! Pamela get your naked tail up and put on some clothes,” Martha exclaimed as she turned and stumbled out of the room. “Damn it, I stubbed my toe,” she cried out still trying to make her way to the front of the apartment.

  Pam and Alvin had jumped up scrambling for clothes when they realized what was going on. “Mama, I’m so sorry,” Pam shouted from her room as she jumped up and down trying to get her pants on. “I can’t believe we fell asleep like this!”

  “I can, that’s what happens when you have good sex,” Alvin teased as he pulled on his shirt.

  “This is no time to joke,” Pam scolded with a crooked little grin on her face. “Now hurry up and finish dressing and come up front ready to apologize.”

  “Yes ma’am. I’ll be up in a minute,” Alvin said sheepishly as he playfully smacked her on the butt.

  Timidly, Pam walked to the living room and peeked to see what Martha was doing. She wasn’t able to tell if the scowl on her mother’s face was from the pain of stubbing her toe or the disgust of finding her and Alvin the way she had. Either way, she was ready to grovel and beg for forgiveness. “Mama, I am so sorry for what you saw. I never wanted you to know that me and Alvin were doing that sort
of thing and I certainly didn’t want you to find out like this. But if it’s any conciliation, we truly love each other. Mama, please forgive me, I’m so sorry.”

  “Child I know what you and Alvin been doing for months. I mean really, Pam, you stay at his house at least twice a week and I certainly didn’t think y’all were playing Go Fish all night. You’re a grown woman and I could care less about your sex life. I just don’t want to have y’all’s naked behinds tooted up in my face. I mean at least have the decency to close and lock your door,” Martha huffed.

  “Hi Ms. Martha,” Alvin whispered as he hid behind the corner of the wall. “I’m sorry you saw my junk and I know it makes you want me, Ms. Martha, but I belong to Pam.”

  “Boy, don’t nobody want your bony behind.” Martha couldn’t help but smile. Alvin was such a sweet and silly guy, it was impossible to stay upset with him. “Just make sure I don’t see the crack of your ass again.”

  Alvin walked on into the room and gave Martha a serious apology, vowing to never let anything that disrespectful happen again. Within a few minutes they were all chuckling about the embarrassing situation. But it wasn’t long before the conversation turned to Pam and Alvin’s earlier therapy session. They filled Martha in on everything that Shellie said and she was more relieved than she was willing to admit that Pam wasn’t completely off her rocker. It wasn’t that Martha thought her daughter had completely lost it, but she found a great deal of comfort in knowing that the therapist didn’t feel that Pam was teetering on the brink of insanity.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Everything seemed to provoke an argument lately and as the work day came to an end, Zoe cringed at the thought of going home. She knew that Ramon would find something else to fight about. It didn’t matter how minuscule it might be, he was full swing into his fighting season and anything would set him off. She’d gone to visit her mom and sister the other day and had forgotten to run the dishwasher before leaving. When she returned home, every drinking glass they had was broken on the kitchen floor. He told her that since she was too stupid to wash the dishes she didn’t deserve to have them. Then he flung her to the floor where shards of glass cut her hand and ankle. He wouldn’t let her up to tend to her wounds until all the glass and blood had been cleaned up.