Jessie (Big Sky Dreams 3)

by Lori Wick

  “I wish I’d never left,” Seth admitted quietly, his eyes holding hers.

  Jessie had all she could do to keep her mouth shut. Why in all of their conversations had this not occurred to her? She scrambled for something to say and only one thing came to mind.

  “What about this thing you have with God? I thought you’d be glad of that.”

  “I am glad of that, but I believe that God would have found me in Token Creek,” Seth said, successfully hiding his surprise that she would even ask. “My conversion might not have looked the same

  219way, but not for a moment am I glad that I left you and the girls the way I did.”

  Jessie had nothing to say. In her heart she knew this, but the truth of it had not really sunk in. Without warning she knew why she had never entertained these thoughts. It softened her toward her husband. It made her more forgiving and willing to allow him in. When this happened the fear always followed, the fear that as soon as she let him get close, he would crush her again.

  “Are you all right?” Seth asked, having watched her struggle.

  “Yes,” Jessie answered too swiftly, and Seth knew the conversation was over. He had no idea what he’d said or what she’d realized, but a wall had appeared between them. Seth reached for the newspaper, but he didn’t see many of the words. He prayed for Jessie, and he prayed for himself. He knew only God could fix his marriage.

  “Is something wrong?” Jessie asked, finding Seth at the rear of the storeroom. He’d headed into that room as soon as the girls left and had been there quite a while. When she checked on him, she found him just standing and looking out the window.

  “No,” Seth said without turning. “I’m just looking at these lots out here.”

  Not able to help herself, Jessie joined him. Seth spoke as soon as she did.

  “This would be a great place for a house.”

  Jessie turned her head to look up at him, but Seth didn’t look at her. His eyes scanned the lots outside and the placement of the other houses, his mind planning and thinking. Not for a few more seconds did he look at her.

  “Don’t you think?”

  Jessie looked out the window again, wondering what he was seeing. The lots were convenient to the store; that was certainly true. The girls sometimes even played out there. She was about to speculate aloud as

  220to who might own them when they both heard someone come in the front.

  “I’ll get that,” Seth said congenially and headed that way.

  Jessie turned to watch him leave, wondering what she had just been witnessing.

  “I’m going to be out tonight,” Jessie told Seth before the girls got

  home from school a few days later. “I’m going to see Jeb and Patience,

  but if the girls know, they’ll not understand why they can’t come.” “Are Jeb and Patience planning on your visiting tonight?” “No, I’m just dropping in.”

  “Why not go now before the girls get here?”

  Jessie stared at him. Not be here when the girls arrived home? Could

  she do that? But he was right. It would make things easier.

  On Seth’s part, he wanted to ask Jessie why she let the girls have so

  much control over her actions. Having to sneak off to the Dorns’ so

  they wouldn’t want to come was ridiculous to him. He felt she needed

  to tell her daughters exactly where she was going and then expect them

  to be perfectly content with not always accompanying her. “If I do that, what will you tell them?” Jessie asked next. “That you’ve gone to visit the Dorns,” Seth said simply.

  “Good luck with that.”

  “Jessie,” Seth began, his voice not harsh, “I think their expectations need to change. They can’t expect to do everything you do and know everything you know. They need to be more thankful for what they have.”

  “You make them sound impossible,” Jessie said, her face showing she wasn’t happy with him.

  “That was not my intent.”

  Jessie blinked, not expecting this, but still said, “What was your intent?”

  “That they not run your life. And also that they see themselves as

  221the children they are, which sometimes means they don’t know everything and they don’t get to go all the places their parents go.”

  Jessie thought if she had one more revelation in her life, she would scream, but he was right. Most of the time she did treat them like equal adults, and in turn they acted that way.

  “Let me know if you want me to watch things while you’re gone or stay with the girls tonight,” Seth said as he moved away.

  Jessie watched him a moment and then glanced at the clock. She would go see Jeb and Patience now, at least see if they were home, and when she arrived back… The thought came to a halt in her mind. When she arrived back, the girls would be unhappy with her for not waiting for them.

  Not wanting to think about it anymore, Jessie told Seth she was leaving. She would deal with the maelstrom when it happened.

  Jeanette stared at Heather after Nate left, wondering if her friend knew how much Token Creek’s sheriff cared. The shop proprietress had just watched the two of them talk, and Jeanette knew that she had just witnessed a man in love. She thought Heather might be on her way there as well, but also that it was all new to her.

  “Are you all right?” Heather asked.

  “Oh,” Jeanette said, not sure what she was supposed to be doing. “Yes, I’m fine.”

  “You looked a little upset.”

  “No, just thinking. Do you enjoy it when Nate visits?”

  Heather’s smile was softer than usual. “I do enjoy it, very much.”

  Jeanette smiled at her.

  “What are you thinking about?” Heather said, seeing the sparkle in her friend’s eye.

  “You and Nate. I’m wondering if there’s going to be a wedding.” All Heather’s euphoria evaporated; she looked worried. She said

  222in a quiet voice, “Jeanette, I don’t know if Nate wants to be married again. He doesn’t say things like that, and I would never want to pressure him.”

  “Nate was married before?”

  “Yes, many years ago. He’s a widower.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Heather. Do you feel that he hasn’t gotten over his first wife?”

  “No, I don’t think that’s it, but I don’t like to presume anything either.”

  Once again Jeanette was reminded of how inexperienced Heather was. The man who had just visited the shop was not there out of casual feelings. Jeanette would be amazed if Nate hadn’t already considered marriage to Heather. In Jeanette’s mind, if he hadn’t talked about it, it ,was probably because he wasn’t sure of Heather’s feelings, not because he doubted his own.

  “If he did wish to marry,” Jeanette tried this time, “would you consider it, Heather?

  “I think so. I can’t imagine that happening, so it’s a little hard.”

  Jeanette was ready to ask exactly what she meant by that, but Ingrid Stillwell chose that moment to come into the shop. She was looking to buy only thread, but as it worked out, the women were not alone for more than a few minutes the rest of the afternoon.

  “Your mother’s beliefs?” Patience questioned Jessie when the two were comfortable in the living room. Jeb was not home just then, but Patience expected him back soon.

  “Yes. Do you remember if she believed differently from my father?”

  “About God or other things, Jessie?”

  Jessie wanted to know about her mother’s belief, or lack of it, in God, but she couldn’t ignore this question and asked, “What else are you thinking of?”

  223”I thought you might have been referring to the way your father ran the store or raised you.”

  Jessie thought about this a moment and suddenly realized why Patience would need clarification. Her parents had argued on nearly every issue from the running of the store to the way she was handled, just to name two.

/>   “Jessie?” Patience said, wondering if she’d misspoken.

  “I’m just thinking. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all right. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

  “I don’t know,” Jessie admitted, knowing that coming here was not normal, not like this. “Maybe I just needed to get out of the store for a time.”

  “Are you and Seth having trouble?”

  Jessie’s laugh was mirthless before saying, “That’s just it. He’s kind and attentive and treats the girls and me very well.”

  “And you expected different?”

  “Yes. He doesn’t say a word about the way I run the store or try to change a thing. He goes along with nearly everything I say.” “And that means what?”

  “That he’s changed.”

  Patience looked into the younger woman’s face and saw many things, but mostly fatigue. She waited for Jessie to speak again, but she just sat there. Patience prayed and debated what to do, but before she could decide, Jessie’s head was nodding. When the mercantile owner dropped off to sleep, Patience moved to the door that Jeb would enter. She wanted to catch him before he made too much noise. It seemed that Jessie needed answers, but she also needed sleep.

  224

  “How WILLSHE GETin?” Hannah asked when she watched her father lock the store for the night.

  “She’ll come to the back door and knock, and we’ll let her in.” Hannah stared that way, but Seth’s voice stopped her.

  “We’re going upstairs to see what we can find for supper.” “But Mama,” Hannah began, Clancy next to her.

  “What did I tell you, Hannah?” Seth began to repeat his speech from earlier in the afternoon.

  “Not to ask.”

  “That’s right, and I don’t want you to worry either. She’ll be back when she gets here, and she’ll find us working hard on supper and doing fine. Upstairs now.”

  The girls clearly didn’t want to obey, and for a moment they stood there. Seth’s brows rose, and they got the message. On the way upstairs, however, he looked at their small backs and heads and felt no end of compassion. This was not common for them. Coming home from school to find their mother missing and then still gone more than two hours later was almost more than they could take.

  “Okay, girls, I really need your help,” Seth said as soon as they entered the apartment, hoping they would be excited about working

  225on supper together. “What do I do with this stuff your mother has in the pot here on the stove?”

  “Don’t you know?” Clancy asked, her brow furrowed.

  “No, I’m afraid not. What would your mother do?”

  “Is it very hot or just a little hot?” This came from Hannah. Seth swiftly touched the side of the pot.

  “A little hot.”

  “Build up the fire,” Hannah said. “Clancy and I will set the table. Get the bread, Clancy.”

  They weren’t overly excited, but they were cooperating, possibly from hunger. The whole room smelled delicious.

  When they sat down to eat15minutes later, Seth had nothing but praise for them. He watched them relax under his approval, and they even asked him about prayer after he gave thanks for the food. Seth was also starting to wonder what had happened toJessie,but for the moment he and the girls were getting along.

  “I can’t believe I fell asleep,” Jessie kept saying to her hosts, her hand on the knob.

  “Your life is wearing you out, Jessie,” Jeb said with compassion. “Are you sure you found out what you wanted to know?”

  Jessie looked at him, still trying to work the sleep from her brain, but she had learned what she’d come to ask. “I didn’t expect to remember so much so fast,” she admitted, having just told them some of the things she’d recalled from her childhood. “Something Patience said brought it all back.”

  “You know where to come if there’s anything else we can do.”

  Jessie thanked Jeb and slipped out the door. Walking home she realized she’d never fallen asleep at someone’s house before. If she didn’t know better, she’d have suspected she was pregnant.

  A moment later her mind was solely on the girls and what they must think. Jessie walked swiftly home and went to the back door. She

  226banged twice when she found it locked and was not surprised when Seth came swiftly.

  “Are you all right?” he asked quietly.

  “I’ll tell you later,” Jessie said, already moving toward the stairs. “How are the girls?”

  “Fine, but missing you.”

  “Mama!” both girls cried when they saw her from the top of the stairs.

  “Hi,” Jessie said, scooping them both up for a hug. Four arms tried to strangle her, and all she could do was laugh.

  “We made supper.”

  “Good girls! Did you leave some for me?”

  “Yes! Your place is all set.”

  “With coffee!”

  “Don’t get overly excited about the coffee,” Seth said behind her, and Jessie threw a smile over her shoulder.

  The evening progressed in the usual fashion from there, but Seth sensed a need in Jessie. As soon as the girls saw their mother, they relaxed and became normal again, which meant both parents were busy with questions and games until bedtime. Seth knew, however, that assoonas the girls were down, Jessie had something to say.

  As they came from the bedroom, Seth wondered how the conversation would start, but Jessie was ahead of him. She took the sofa and spoke in a thoughtful voice.

  “You have turned my whole world upside down, Seth Redding. I can’t even think straight.”

  Seth didn’t know what to say. This was the last thing he expected.

  He was on the verge of offering to move out when she went on.

  “I didn’t even spend that much time talking to Jeb or Patience. I

  went over there and fell asleep. They woke me after two hours.” “Were you feeling sick?” Seth asked with real concern.

  “No, I’m just worn out from everything.”

  “Take the day off tomorrow,” Seth offered. “Lie around here in the apartment or go back to Meg’s.”

  227”It’s not the store, Seth,” Jessie said.

  “I’ll go, Jessie. I’ll explain to the girls in the morning, and I’ll go back to Rylan’s until I can find a place.”

  Seth was startled to see tears in his wife’s eyes. It was so unusual that for a moment he didn’t know what to do. When she still didn’t speak, he tried once again. “Please tell me what I can do for you, Jessie. Please tell me how to help you.”

  A sob broke in her throat at that point, and Seth could no longer keep his distance. He had been sitting on the chair but now moved to the sofa and took Jessie very carefully into his arms, expecting her to pull away at any moment. He was wrong. Jessie turned her face into his chest and cried.

  Seth held her without pressure, one arm holding her close, his free hand gently rubbing her back. Jessie had taken hold of the front of his shirt and showed no signs of moving. She cried for some time and then just lay against him, her cheek against his chest. Seth didn’t speak. Much came to mind, but he kept it all to himself.

  “You still smell good,” Jessie said after a long silence, her voice rough from the tears.

  “So do you.”

  “If I let something happen, I’d be raising a third baby by myself.”

  “No, you wouldn’t,” Seth argued without heat, “but we still can’t let anything happen until we work out how we feel about each other.”

  Jessie tipped her head back and looked up at him. Seth knew he would kiss her-maybe even that night-but not yet, not until he knew what she was thinking.

  “Why did you cry?” he asked.

  “I don’t know if I know.”

  “Does it have something to do with seeing Jeb and Patience?”

  “I went to find out what my mother believed, and Patience said

  something that got me to thinking about both of my parents.” “Bad memorie
s?”

  “Yes,” Jessie said, not wanting to admit she had realized she was just like her difficult father.

  228”Then what happened?”

  “That’s when I fell asleep.”

  Seth pushed her head back against his chest. If she kept looking up at him, they were going to start kissing, and at the moment that was sure to lead to more.

  “Why have you let me back into your life?” Seth asked.

  Jessie sighed before saying, “At first it was for the girls, but lately it’s been for me too. It’s nice to have someone else who knows the store like I do.”

  “Do you think I’m leaving again?”

  “I don’t know. I know you don’t plan on it, but still it happened once before.”

  Seth just held her, not sure what to say. He wanted to know more about her conversation with Patience and if any of it led to talk about Jessie’s beliefs, but he had no idea how to ask.

  Without warning he felt Jessie’s hands on his face. He looked down to find her looking up at him again. The first kiss was tentative; the second a little more familiar. From there they grew urgent with need as old memories surfaced. They were wrapped in each other’s arms when they both heard a thud and a small cry.

  “That’s Clancy,” Jessie said breathlessly. “She’s fallen out of bed.”

  Seth could hardly think straight, but Jessie was already on the move. She rose from the sofa and went to the bedroom. Seth kept his place in the living room. It was not a good time for interruptions. His mind tried to tell him that maybe it was for the best, but he couldn’t quite believe it. Jessie came back and didn’t immediately join him on the sofa. They stared at each other before Seth spoke.

  “Is Clancy all right?”

  “Yes. She does that every once in a while and doesn’t even fully wake up.”

  They continued to stare at each other, and when Jessie kept her place by the wall, Seth rescued here

  “Do you need to get some sleep?”

  229”I think I do,” Jessie agreed, no longer tired but seeing the offer for the lifeline it was.

  “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Jessie nodded and almost left, but suddenly feelings of insecurity covered her.