Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  “Is this some kind of commercial?” Harry asked perplexed.

  The elf in the cereal box timidly spoke up, “Hello, Harry Putter, Sir. This is a public service announcement. Ahem, Hogwashes School of Witchcraft and Wizardry regrets to inform you that school is canceled until further notice.”

  It was Bobby the elf.

  Three years ago, Harry had accidentally gotten Bobby enslaved. There are very few jobs that Free-Elves are willing to do, and Bobby had been very fortunate to be happily employed by the Maldoy family. Respectable wizardly households are difficult to find, and the Maldoys are highly regarded as one of the best, if not the best family to work for. Free-elves are not paid as part of their employment as they have no use for wizard currency. Elves value magical power, and the Maldoys had it. They are one of the most powerful wizard families in terms of magic, and thus the most enviable of families for elves to work for. The Cheesleys, on the other hand, attract no elves to their household, as their magical power is even collectively rather, well let’s just say, it’s a good thing their house has electricity.

  The long-term proximity to a good magical family creates a symbiosis from which both the family and the Free-Elf benefit greatly. The Free-Elf benefits by absorbing magical power from those he serves, while his service, in return makes the family’s magical equipment, laboratory equipment, and magical devices operate smoothly. The wizard family with a Free-Elf servant finds it easier to concentrate, their potions are stronger, and their magic more efficient through the elf’s freely given service. Thus, Bobby was greatly respected among the Free-Elves, and his opinion was highly sought after, especially regarding matters of good taste, particularly regarding clothing. But Bobby was no longer a Free-Elf, thanks to none other than Harry Putter.

  The sudden event that enslaved Bobby happened accidentally during Harry’s second year at Hogwashes, right after he had found the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts and rescued those who had gotten brain-freezed, including his good friend Hermione, and most important of all, Ginny Cheesley.

  Ginny, the sister of Harry’s good friend Ron, had been kidnapped and taken to the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts by the persevering spirit of Tom Riddly. Harry found the hidden chamber, defeated a giant mildew stain, and prevented Riddly from coming back to life by destroying the only copy of his Frozen Dairy Dessert Cookbook.

  At the conclusion of his adventure, Harry’s feet had gotten wet in the fight versus the giant mildew stain, he was, after all, knee deep in mildew. When he slogged into Elvis Grumblesnore’s office to return a few bleach-based household cleaners he had borrowed for his battle, he found himself interrupting a conversation with Grumblesnore and Luscious Maldoy, who was there along with his Free-Elf servant, Bobby.

  Luscious was there in the capacity of chairman of the Hogwashes Board of Education. It was therefore his duty to relieve Grumblesnore of his position as the school’s headmaster. Grumblesnore was being relieved of his duties because of the danger the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Deserts represented to the student body, and most of all for his ineptitude in locating the chamber and closing it forever.

  That’s when Harry informed them both that he had found the Chamber and closed it forever, and presented the tattered remains of the Frozen Dairy Dessert Cookbook as evidence. Luscious Maldoy was quite miffed. Harry thought he was doing a great service, saving his good friend and mentor, Grumblesnore’s job, but Grumblesnore was quite miffed too. The idea of an early retirement was very appealing to him, especially in light of all his recent troubles, the beginning of which coincided with Harry’s arrival at Hogwashes.

  It was at this point that Harry could no longer stand the wetness of his socks and inconsiderately removed them. Well, on a good day, Harry’s feet stank; on a bad day, his feet were like a stink bomb that induced coughing, dizziness, and watery eyes. However, that day, the dampness of his shoes along with the giant mildew stain remnants that had seeped into his shoes and socks somehow reacted very unfavorably with Harry’s feet.

  When he removed his shoes, his socks went off like a concussion grenade, sending a shockwave through the building. Grumblesnore and Luscious were stunned. Bobby went into immediate cardiac arrest. The elf was going to kick the bucket, when Grumblesnore scooped him up, and fled for St. Mongo’s Hospital for the Magically Afflicted. (This was no job for the school nurse, Ms. Pomfrite.)

  How Grumblesnore was able to break his momentary shock and to summon the stamina to get Bobby out of there and away, is a mystery of superhuman effort. He collapsed a moment later, there in the hospital. By comparison, Luscious Maldoy fell unconscious and was not rescued until emergency workers in Hazmat suits arrived. Harry, of course, was immune to his own stench.

  That course of events, in a nutshell, is what made Bobby a slave. For elves, it is no small thing, the act of saving their lives, as it is with most humans. It is their custom, when someone saves their lives, to devote the remainder of their lives from that moment forward to their rescuer as his slave. There are countless examples, such as St. Nicholas when he rescued an entire village of elves from being bulldozed by the East Millstone Condominium Construction Company, or Brian Keebler, the lumberjack who one day rescued a whole tree full of elves from a woodpecker.

  Ever since that fateful day, Bobby has served Grumblesnore faithfully as his slave. He adores Grumblesnore as his savior, and would gladly give his own life in exchange for Grumblesnore’s life, if the opportunity ever presented itself. However, should he ever actually save Grumblesnore’s life, he would then become a Free-Elf once again.

  Ever since that fateful day, Bobby hated Harry Putter. In the three years since, Bobby had made countless failed attempts on Harry’s life, and he often conspired with others who were also trying to kill Harry. Bobby pretended to be Harry’s friend in order to lure him into traps, as he had tried on several occasions. After several attempts to kill Harry failed miserably, yet clearly involved the elf, it became suddenly clear to Harry that Bobby was trying to kill him. Harry couldn’t blame him, he felt terribly responsible about Bobby’s enslavement even though it had been an accident. So, Harry never let on that he knew Bobby was in fact his enemy. He pretended to be friends with Bobby, just as Bobby pretended to be his friend.

  It was bad enough that Harry was responsible for Bobby’s enslavement, yet there was one other important incident that caused Bobby to hate Harry Putter even more. Harry was also responsible for one other terrible sin that Bobby couldn’t forgive. Harry had gotten Bobby’s elf friend, Binky, fired from her noble position as the Free-Elf servant to none other than the reputable Bartimous Grouch. Though she remained a Free-Elf, she was shamed. Binky was perhaps looked upon as even lower than a Slave-Elf, because she had gotten sacked, something that hadn’t happened to a Free-Elf in over three thousand years.

  It happened two years ago at the World Tea Cup Tournament. Bobby had put another of his schemes into effect by launching a Fungus Eater mark into the sky. The terrifying mark, a mushroom, which had not been seen for years, indicated that the Fungus Eaters were back. It had the same effect on the various privileged members of the wizarding community there at the World Tea Cup Tournament that launching a firework into the sky indicating that Disco was alive and well today would have on a crowd of muddles at a sporting event, – mass hysteria. People were fleeing for their lives. However, there were many brave people out searching the grounds and nearby woods looking for the culprit, including Harry.

  As it turned out, Harry was the first one to find Bobby holding the bazooka-like firework launcher. Harry asked Bobby what he had. Bobby lied, explaining that he had found it in the grass, and handed it innocently to Harry. Bobby, let out an evil laugh, then quickly disappeared, leaving Harry literally holding the smoking gun.

  It looked like Harry was going to take the blame for the whole incident; he was holding the launcher, his fingerprints were on the gun. He had to do something fast, before he was found, or else Bobby would have succeeded in framing Harry for the de
spicable deed. Harry would be thrown in Azcabanana Prison to languish miserably the rest of his life, surrounded by The Demented. Harry heard voices coming his way, and panicking, he threw the launcher over some nearby bushes, where it landed on Bobby’s elf friend, Binky’s head. Binky crawled out of the bushes holding the launcher right in front of her master, Bartimous Grouch, Arthur Cheesley, Caramelly Fudge, Harry, and two Auditors. It was Binky who ended up taking the fall, and losing her desirable position and her respectability. Ironically, Bobby blamed that no good, tricky, Harry (he’ll pay for this!) Putter, for the whole incident.

  “Come on, Bobby, school is canceled this year? You can’t expect me to believe this, do you?” asked Harry.

  “Oh darn, you figured out Bobby’s little trick, school isn’t really closed, but there is something that is very serious, Sir! Bobby, at immense risk to his own life, is here to warn you of great danger!” said Bobby lowering his voice, and pressing his nose against the inside glass of the television screen. He seemed afraid someone might overhear him, but Harry rolled his eyes, he knew that it was all an act. Bobby was setting up his next bumbling attempt on Harry’s life.

  “Now? I’m in the middle of killing zombies, that is, if you don’t mind getting out of the way,” replied Harry, starting to get annoyed.

  “Oh, no, Sir! You are in immense danger,” whispered the elf.

  “Don’t be silly, I can take the Zombie King down.”

  “That’s not what I mean, Sir! Bobby means, if you go to school this year, you will surely perish!” said Bobby dramatically.

  Harry flopped back on the couch and scoffed, “The past five years, six if you count preschool, which I always do, someone has tried to kill me, and I’ve escaped every time. So what’s so dangerous this time?”

  “You are in far greater danger this time, Sir! This time there is a conspiracy to kill you. Everyone wants you dead!” exaggerated the cereal box clad elf.

  “Come on, Bobby! Everyone? What about all my friends? They don’t want me dead.”

  “They will after they find out you cheated to win all those quibbage matches!”

  Harry jumped to his feet. “What! I never cheated!”

  “Yes, that’s true, Sir, but once they read those letters saying that you cheated, they will . . .”

  Harry interrupted, “Letters? What letters?”

  “The letters Bobby sent out last night to your friends and teachers. They should have received them this morning, Sir.”

  Infuriated, Harry put his foot through the television into Bobby’s face with a satisfying crash of broken glass and crunch of broken tooth. The elf groaned, “Ow, thank you, Sir, I deserve that and more for the terrible things Bobby has done. Please do it again!” This time he was ready to catch Harry’s foot and bite his ankle.

  “But why? Why did you send those letters?” asked Harry angrily.

  “Well, as I said, Sir, there is a conspiracy to do you in this year, once and for all.”

  “So who is the head of this conspiracy? And why are you helping them?” demanded Harry.

  Oh, I cannot name him, Sir!” replied the elf.

  “Just as I thought! He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelled! Lord Moldyfart!” deduced Harry.

  Lord Moldyfart was the nemesis of Harry Putter. He was his enemy even before Harry was born, all because of a dreadful prophecy that Moldyfart had learned about back when he was known as young Tom Farisol Riddly. Tom found the prophecy when he opened a Chinese fortune cookie at the New China Kitchen in South London. He cracked it open and read his fortune, “Someone in your future will steal your heart.” Tom, who was always paranoid, freaked out. He clenched the tiny slip of paper in his fist and thought, “Who is this mysterious enemy, and why would he try to steal my heart, especially when I’m not finished with it!” It made him furious.

  Tom Riddly used this prophesized enemy as motivation to become the most powerful and ruthless sorcerer he could be. When his future enemy arrived, he would be ready. It became his lifelong obsession. He made two vows. The first, that when the one who would try to steal his heart came, he wouldn’t give the poor fool a chance, he would tear him apart. He would not allow laws or emotions to get in the way of his defenses. He would break the wizarding laws, use unforgettable curses, if they would give him an advantage over his unknown foe. The second, that he wouldn’t eat Chinese food ever again.

  Over the years, his heart became a stone, such that none could steal it, no seed of love could find purchase to grow. For he had no thoughts of love, his burning desire was to be ready when his enemy arrived. He could harbor no weakness, for his enemy might use it against him. Love was for the weak. He closed his heart to all humankind, for, his enemy could be anyone, and so he trusted no one.

  Incidentally, he had ignored a young girl at the library, who had flirted with him to get his attention on several occasions. Had his obsession not been all encompassing, he might have noticed her, she may have even “stolen his heart.” As it turned out, she ended up marrying Arthur Cheesley. The young girl in the library was Molly Cheesley, and to this day, she has a slight crush on Tom Riddly that she has kept secret all these years.

  Riddly, not satisfied with his expertise in standard magic and even illegal magic, eventually began to practice dark magic, and learned everything he could. In his malignant studies, he did his own research and taught himself, until his understanding surpassed the dark knowledge of any living wizard. In doing so, he became the most powerful wizard alive, but at great cost, for had given up his own humanity.

  During his research he had consorted with penguins, demons, and llamas and learned what he could from them, and he made some deals that were costly. The unholy pacts he made changed his true form. He used his sorcery to hide the creature that he had become, so that he still looked like a man, but was something else entirely, something without a heart, something that couldn’t die, for no man knew the one word of power that would change him back to his true form where he would be vulnerable to death. Only one demon knew the word, and Tom destroyed that demon and ate its soul. He was more than the most terrible wizard the world had ever known; he was invincible.

  His true countenance was a horror that men shrank from. Why even the odors he made were powerful enough to kill flowers and small animals, and strike fear into any living man. He had reached the pinnacle of his power and repulsion. It was at this point that he decided to rearrange the letters of his name, Tom Farisol Riddly, to spell “I is Lord Moldyfart.” It was a name more suited to a being of his awfulness, a name that people would fear to speak, lest the Fart Lord harken to their unwanted call, and answer like a spoken doom.

  He was ready for his enemy, and still his unknown enemy did not come. He began to fear that his hideous reputation had preceded him, scaring his foe away. Then it occurred to him that if he could find out who his enemy was, perhaps he could find and destroy his foe, possibly while he or she was weak and unready to face his mighty wrath. He cared not whether his enemy was a man, woman, or child. He made a new vow. He swore that he would find out who his enemy was, and kill him. He would seek out and destroy his enemy without mercy.

  Sitting in the lotus position, he relaxed his body, closed his eyes, and momentarily attained inner peace. When he was ready, he summoned his power, focusing his ethereal perception. He used his summoned alternate awareness to glean and unravel the veil that kept the future unseen by all but those few with extraordinary gifts. He located and followed the dark thread that represented his own life, through the tangled myriad of intersections. He noticed that it soon tangled with a silver thread, and suspected that this was the thread of his enemy’s life. He continued to follow his own dark thread, complexly intertwined with the silver one, until he found that the silver one cut his own life’s thread off at its very end.

  Then he was certain this silver thread was the thread of his enemy. The thread shined with a goodness and innocence that made him furious. He longed to yank it from the fabric of time, and rid himsel
f of it, however, the thread was too tangled with his own. Any pressure at all might cut his own thread at the same time, or worse still, instead of the silver one. He dared not. Sneering as he followed the silver thread back to its start, he discovered the date, time, and place of his enemy’s birth, July 31, 1989, 7 pm, London. He laughed as he returned to his own consciousness. His enemy was but an infant. He had no scruples about killing a child.

  Further research showed that two children were born on July 31, 1989 at 7 pm in London, one was a boy named Harry Putter, born to James and Lillyput Putter. The other was a boy named Neville Largebottom, born to Jumbo and Begonia Largebottom. Moldyfart would kill both infants.

  That night Moldyfart planned to visit two households. He attacked the Putter household first. He slaughtered James and Lillyput Putter as they tried to save their infant son, Harry. Their magic was nothing compared to his own. They died a horrible death.

  Then Moldyfart picked up the infant from his crib. The baby smiled and spit up on him. However, that was the least of Moldyfart’s worries. For at that very moment, he discovered that his new form wasn’t quite as invulnerable as the demon that had sold it to him had made it out to be.

  Moldyfart had a rather bad reaction to the Ivory Snow detergent that Harry’s parents used to wash his footed pajamas. The pureness of the Ivory Snow was a bane to Moldyfart’s impure life form. He found himself rapidly as vulnerable as he thought the infant, whom he could no longer hold in his arms, was but a moment ago. The child fell, hitting his forehead on the corner of the crib, leaving an “L”-shaped wound.