Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  She also felt that using Elves was wrong whether they were Free-Elves or not. She felt that it would be better to pay elves for their services, if one really desired them. Three years ago, she formed the OSPREE Club, also known as the Only Stupid People Rely on Elven Exploitation Club. Even Harry and Ron didn’t join that one, and they didn’t even have Elven servants. Heck, even the elves wouldn’t join; they snubbed their noses at the idea of their noble service being paid for in coin. In reality, she would have been far happier if she just accepted a Free-Elf’s service. If she did, no other Elves would bother her, and she wouldn’t even notice the small difference in her magical powers.

  They especially argued about Harry not coming to school. Ron couldn’t get past how much he was going to miss Harry. With Harry, school was always exciting. Being friends with Harry, who was always in the spotlight, Ron got to share a little bit of the spotlight, too. He felt special. He thought aloud, “It’s like you, me, and Harry were a shiny new tricycle, each of us one wheel.”

  Hermione replied, “Well, think of us as a bicycle now! A bicycle is much smarter than a tricycle! It’s more grown up. School is going to be great this year, think of all you will learn, especially without all the distractions that Harry always made. I’ll bet your grades will go up considerably this year.”

  Ron disagreed, “But it’s not like a bicycle, it’s like a tricycle without one wheel. We’ll be missing an important part of what made us a great team. You were like the brains, I was the good-looking one, and Harry was …errr, …dynamic, you know? He was like the big wheel with the pedals on it. He made it all work.”

  Ginny and Suzanne started laughing, and couldn’t stop. Suzanne didn’t even know why she was laughing, other than the fact that Ginny was laughing at Ron, so she should too. It was a principle between brothers and sisters.

  Ginny imitated her brother, “Look at me, I’m the good looking one!” Suzanne giggled. Ron ignored them.

  Hermione bit her tongue, “Well, I think we can still be a great team, I’m still smart and you’re ….ummm….not any different. We don’t need Harry to have a great year at Hogwashes. Learning is exciting enough without adding his dramatics, – OOH, look at me, the Fart Lord is after me, he wants to kill me.”

  Hermione was getting annoyed with Ron; he was so immature at times. Just look at the immature garbage he had bought when the refreshment cart had come by, – chocolate slugs, Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, and Every-Witch-Way beans. It was the same crap he bought the past five years, six if you counted preschool. He had already stuffed five of the chocolate slugs in his face. Two, ok, but five? Gross. Sometimes she wished he would grow up. He didn’t seem the least bit interested in girls.

  Likewise, Ron was annoyed. Hermione was practically talking badly about Harry. Some fan she was! He decided to lead her down a different path. “Well, what I really think is that his staying home is really just a cry for…”

  Just then they both turned to the door. From outside their compartment, they heard a tiny, distant, and muffled cry, “Help, Help!”

  Hermione replied, “Nonsense, Harry will be safest at home. And from what he said, he’s had the best summer of his life.”

  Ron retorted, “Being home, isn’t like being on ‘base’ in a game of tag. He might be in just as much danger there, possibly more since we won’t be there to…”

  “Help, Help!” the muffled cry got a little louder, causing Ron to look at the window in the train compartment door. Hermione, Ginny, and Suzanne all followed his gaze. The cry for help was getting even louder, and then Faco Maldoy crossed their window view. He was heading toward the back of the train. He appeared to be dragging something rather heavy, walking backwards as he dragged it.

  Faco Maldoy was the son of Luscious Maldoy, the same Luscious Maldoy who was Chairman of the Board of Education at Hogwashes, the same Luscious Maldoy who lost his Free-Elf servant Bobby, thanks to Harry. What’s more, Luscious Maldoy was one of the Fungus Eaters. The Fungus Eaters were a group of evil supporters of Lord Moldyfart, and Luscious Maldoy was one of their highest-ranking members. He was the one who had conceived the plot to lure Harry to the circus where his uncle was, in order to trap him, and turn him over to Lord Moldyfart. His involvement in setting the trap last spring had compromised him. Finally, the Harry Putter Fan Club had the evidence they needed that Luscious was indeed a Fungus Eater, as they all had long suspected.

  More importantly, the Ministry of Magic authorities had the evidence they needed to prosecute Maldoy and the other Fungus Eaters for the murder of Serious Smack the Clown. Consequently, Luscious Maldoy, as well as a number of other identified Fungus Eaters, were on the run from the Ministry of Magic, and in hiding. They of course blamed their situation on Harry Putter.

  Faco Maldoy was of course a Popular Rich Kid. He was tall, handsome, with an athletic body, and blonde down to his brain. Faco was in the same year of school as Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and in many of their classes. He was also a Perfect, which gave him a smug satisfaction. He was one, while Harry was not.

  Harry and Faco had clashed ever since their second day of preschool, six years ago. It was “show and tell” day. While all the other kids brought in their favorite, cool, and in some cases very expensive toys, Harry had brought in his dust-bunny collection. Hermione remembered Faco’s derisive words to this day, “What’s the matter with you Putter? Don’t you have any real toys?” She quietly kept her mold collection in her backpack, and said she had forgotten her “show and tell.”

  Since then, Faco was a constant adversary of theirs, although their spats with him were minor when compared to the life and death struggles they had so far with his father and Lord Moldyfart.

  If Faco had any secret contact with his father since last spring, he was likely to know about all of the students who helped Harry defeat Faco’s father and the rest of the Fungus Eaters. He would most likely attempt to exact some form of retribution as revenge on Ron, Hermione, Neville, Looney, and Ginny. He also wouldn’t be alone in his efforts. He often consorted with two brainless but muscular goons, Shabby and Foil, each of whose fathers were Fungus Eaters and likewise on the run from Ministry authorities.

  “Oh, no, it’s Maldoy!” said Ron. He was suddenly nervous; his proximity to Harry had long been the source of his safety from Maldoy and his bullies. What was he going to do without Harry around this year to protect him? He’d have to avoid confronting Faco for as long as possible, and hope that the bullies would bother someone else.

  “Help, Help!” called the muffled voice.

  “For Pete’s sake! Give him a hand with the door, Ron!” said Hermione.

  “I don’t see why I should, except that I won’t have to look at him as long,” said Ron, getting up, trying to sound like he wasn’t intimidated, and failing miserably as his voice cracked.

  “Here, hold this,” Ron held Nemoy out to Hermione.

  “No! NO! I mean it Ron, get that thing away from me.”

  Ron sighed, went into the hallway, and held open the door for Faco as he wheeled a humongous suitcase onto the next train car. He wondered why Faco was moving his own luggage; usually the Popular Rich Kids had servants to move their luggage for them. Thank God, Shabby and Foil weren’t around.

  Faco glanced at Ron and did a double take. “Ewwwww, what’s that thing?”

  “Huh? Oh, you mean Nemoy? He’s my pet squid,” replied Ron.

  “Cheesley you are one sick freak. You better not get any of that slime on me if you know what’s good for you.”

  “Help, Help!” came the muffled cry from the suitcase.

  “I don’t think that should be too hard.”

  “You do and I’ll have Shabby and Foil rearrange your face. When they get through with you, no one will know the difference between you and that ugly octopus.”

  “Yeah, nice to see you again too, Faco. You haven’t lost any of your charm, I see.”

  “Shut your mouth, slimeball.”

  “Shut yours, …” Ron’s re
tort was cut short when one of Nemoy’s tentacles suddenly curled into his mouth. Ron let go of the door to remove it. Faco was repulsed.

  “Uuuuuck,” said Ron, wiping his tongue off on the sleeve of his robe.

  Ron returned to his compartment saying, “Furthermore, … wait a sec, was that Harry’s voice coming from that suitcase?”

  “Harry, here? We left him back at the station,” Hermione sniffed.

  “Hermione, come quick!” shouted Ron dashing out of the compartment. Hermione was right behind him, Ginny and Suzanne in tow.

  They ran through the train cars and quickly caught up to Faco moving his large burden. “All right, Maldoy, open the suitcase!” commanded Ron, trying to sound confident.

  Faco looked up at Cheesley and his entourage, “Still hanging out with the other girls, Cheesley?”

  “I mean it, open that suitcase, now!”

  “Get lost, Cheesley, mind your own business,” replied Maldoy sounding a lot more commanding than Ron.

  “Cripes, Ron, is that you?” came the muffled voice of Harry from inside the suitcase.

  “Oh my God, it is Harry!” said a shocked Hermione.

  “Hand it over, Maldoy!” shouted Ron.

  “I said, get lost, Cheesley!” Faco shouted back.

  Ron decided to go for his wand first and get the upper hand on Maldoy before Maldoy got his wand out and got the upper hand on him. “Ha HA! I’ve got you now, Maldoy!” he said triumphantly.

  However, Maldoy was so close to Ron in the small aisle that he reached out quickly with one hand, pinched the end of Ron’s wand, and twisted it firmly upward. With a snap, the tip of the wand broke and dangled from the end of Ron’s wand. Ron was too slow as he said the entire magic command, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.” It was too late. The sudden burst of power from the broken wand caused a flash of light and a fizzling pop.

  Ron said, “No, OH! Wand my broke you.”

  Maldoy laughed at the gibberish, “You always were a backward sort, Cheesley.” But his laughing was cut short when Hermione’s knee met his groin. He collapsed to the floor and started moaning like a banshee with a hangover.

  Hermione unzipped the suitcase, and a hot and sweaty Harry Putter rolled out. He was quite relieved to finally get a breath of fresh air. He stretched out his stiff legs.

  “Harry, what are you doing in there?” she asked.

  “?Suitcase that in get you did how” asked Ron.

  Harry looked at Ron puzzled.

  “The Dirtleys kidnapped me! They knocked me out, packed me in that suitcase, and put me in the baggage compartment. When I came to, I didn’t know where I was. I couldn’t reach my wand, so I called for help. Unfortunately, Maldoy found me first.

  “All after year this school to going you’re like looks,” said Ron.

  They all laughed, but only Ron’s sounded like, “Ah, Ah, Ah!”

  Chapter 6 - Dieters Beware!

  Harry stood alone and unnoticed for a moment in the entrance to the Great Eatery. Ron had gone immediately to the hospital wing to take care of his speech impediment. Hermione had accompanied him. She explained, “Just in case Madame Pomfrite doesn’t understand him when he talks.”

  The students were assembling in the Great Eatery, which was decked out in banners and flags for each of the four Noble Houses at Hogwashes. The ceiling showed what it was like outside, a clear evening with stars beginning to shine, which had nothing to do with the actual weather outside, nor did it predict the weather tomorrow. The ceiling had been broken for years, and was useless as it always predicted yesterday’s weather. Still it did make a nice decoration, and made the Great Eatery seem even larger than it actually was.

  The hall was lit by detached floating florescent light bulbs. A few of them flickered annoyingly. The lights cast a purplish hue on everyone’s skin, making all look morbidly depressing. In some cases, it was difficult to tell the living from the dead, especially since the dead were among the living. Several phantoms, ghosts, full torso apparitions, washed-up television stars, zombies, mummies, and poltergeists were interspersed among those in attendance, intermixed with the students collectively sitting at four long rows of tables, one for each of the Houses.

  At the tables for the Athletic Jock House, students were wearing sweatpants and jerseys and busied themselves with horseplay or were talking excitedly about sport events and statistics. Peeved the Poltergeist yanked Michael Coronary’s sweatpants down to his ankles unexpectedly, revealing his green briefs for all to see. Coronary yanked them back up as he turned mottled purple, flushing. Then Harry spotted Yu Rang and his heart skipped a beat. He hadn’t seen her since school let out. Even in this light, he thought she looked… well, yeah, he admitted, even she looked gruesome in this light. However, hers was a wonderful kind of gruesome that made butterflies dance in his stomach.

  Meanwhile at the tables reserved for the Popular Rich Kids House students were mostly talking on cell phones, or admiring each other’s taste in new designer clothes. (Cell phones were a topic of much debate among the wizarding community. The muddles had outdone them, and the wizards to their shame couldn’t come up with anything that could compete with convenience, ease, and clarity of a cell phone. Hence, young wizards and witches were using cell phones everywhere these days, much to the distaste of generations of their elders.) Quite a few were catching up on the latest gossip stories from the summer. The most popular of the ghosts, the charismatic Muddy-Cruddy Baron, was telling one of his war stories to a group that had gathered around him listening fascinated. He could tell a good tale.

  At the tables for The Nerd House, students looked nervous, and a few were playing practical jokes on one another. Some were busy discussing that year’s Tea Cup Tournament. Others were talking about Star Trek. Many were reading. Nearly-Earless Nick was making his friendly rounds among the Nerds, asking each about their summer. He was quite jealous of the Baron because he had such great tales to tell, and told them so well. Nick competed in his own way, for he had a wonderful personality, and was an excellent conversationalist.

  The Party Animal House students were just starting to come to life this early in the evening. Quite a few were obviously asleep. One could hear the fizz of Alka Seltzer from glasses in front of those who had hangovers from partying extremely hard on their last night of summer. Most of the Party Animals wore dark sunglasses, the symbol of their noble house, which hid their eyes. Even their undead had adopted the habit of wearing dark sunglasses indoors. Cries of “DUDE!” rang out as Charlie Cartuffle approached them. Charlie was so cool. Everyone thought so. He was so at ease with his own popularity, which only contributed to his aura of coolness. Harry was inwardly jealous. He never felt at ease with his own popularity, he felt like a dork most of the time. Comparing Harry to Charlie was a lot like comparing Nearly Earless Nick to the Muddy Cruddy Baron.

  There was one other set of tables, across the front of the room, where the teachers were gathering and chatting about their summer activities, and how short the break always was. Professor Ape, the head of the Popular Rich Kids House and Poisons class teacher, was talking with Professor Snout, who taught how to find roots and truffles in the forest, that is, The Forbidden Forest of Sure Death. Gildersneeze Farthard was there too, talking with Cubious Hasbeen, the groundskeeper and manager of the Magical Creatures Petting Zoo in the back of the school. Mrs. Tickwick and Mrs. Fatfree had their heads together whispering. The centaur, Frenzy, who taught Astro-numerology stood a hoof and aloof nearby. The teachers too were not without their undead. Professor Binge, the History of Magic teacher, had died from over-eating (his stomach exploded), yet refused to give up teaching in his non-corporeal form.

  Slightly less conspicuous were the teachers that were missing. The Head of Hogwashes, Elvis Grumblesnore wasn’t there yet, nor was Professor McGooglesnot, the Head of the Nerd House, nor the School Custodian, Belch. Grumblesnore most likely was waiting to make his grand entrance. McGooglesnot would be busy readying the f
irst year students. The absence of Belch however, probably meant he had caught someone breaking a rule already, was out patrolling the dungeons for mischief-makers, or was cleaning up vomit somewhere.

  Immediately in front of the teacher’s table was a stool with a big black hat on it. The Snorting Hat, which all the students were familiar with, was used on the first day of each school year. Soon Professor McGooglesnot would lead the preschool students in, and place the Snorting Hat on each of their heads. The Snorting Hat would quickly absorb the details of the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to them, and inform everyone present while make snorting sarcastic and derisive remarks. Some were fortunately quickly forgotten, while others were never to be let go. Some endured nicknames that stuck for the rest of their lives, like “Crybaby Peepants” Jones or “King Klutz” Kingly. The information was used to decide what house the person belonged in. McGooglesnot inevitably taking the students no other house would take into the Nerd House.

  Suddenly, the room became quiet as the gathered crowd finally noticed Harry in the entrance. Harry saw the dagger-like stares of the entire room focused on him.

  “The letters were forged! I’m not a cheater!” he yelled. The crowd booed and hissed while throwing silverware and cups at him. (Had food been served, he would have been covered with it.) He took his regular seat at the Nerds table, and kept his head down.

  A sudden fanfare split the air, and Elvis Grumblesnore performed, “I’m All Shook Up” using the teacher’s table as a stage. His robe and conical hat were covered with rhinestones that winked brilliantly in the spotlight. His long white beard swooped as he gyrated his hips. As he finished singing, he slid across the table on his knees to much delighted clapping, cheering, and whistling. Elvis got up off his knees and when the cheering died down said, “I have a few words to say!”