Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  Before the genie realized what was going on, the kids began throwing themselves upon him like a pack of snarling mad wolverines, biting, pinching, scratching, and kicking. The Efreet was clearly more than a match for any individual, but was unable to do anything about the children. For each one he tossed or kicked off of him, two more jumped back on and he suffered the continuous rage of their combined attacks. His only escape was to change back to a puff of smoke. The smoke swirled and sparkled again, and soon everyone was rocketing out of the bottle. They were restored to their former size and were back in the now barren classroom. All were grateful that the Efreet was alone in his bottle, none more so than the evil genie himself.

  “WHOO HOO! That was the best class ever!” shouted Faco Maldoy. Most everyone excitedly agreed. Harry, Ron, and Hermione on principle couldn’t agree with anything Maldoy said, though Harry and Ron each thought it really had been cool. Only Hermione felt that the lesson had been entirely too dangerous, and that they were all lucky to be alive.

  “Egthellent clasth, egthellent! I can thee you learned a lot today!” replied Farthard.

  “I’m starving,” said Ron, “let’s go see if we can find something to eat.”

  “Yeah,” replied Hermione, “we’re late for lunch.”

  Chapter 8 - The Err of Slipperin

  They arrived in the Great Eatery as lunch was finishing up. That’s when they found out the big news. Ape was telling all his classes about Sloberic Slipperin and the Chamber of Cheesecakes. Preschool Nerd Rusty Pipes and Ginny confirmed it. They had little time to talk to Harry, Ron, and Hermione before their next classes began, but they had enough time to let them know the most important facts. The Chamber of Cheesecakes was indeed the work of Sloberic Slipperin, and no, Ginny Cheesley wasn’t possessed by an evil cheesecake recipe book.

  Ron asked, “But if she was possessed by an evil cheesecake recipe book, isn’t that just what she would say?”

  No one bothered to answer him.

  Rusty asked, “I heard that you won the Fry-Wizard Tournament, Harry. Is it true?”

  “Well, yeah,” replied Harry. He didn’t like to talk about it. It brought up painful memories.

  “Wow! And you had to answer the Riddle of the Sphinx?”

  “Yeah,” sighed Harry.

  “Wow! Can I have your autograph?” Rusty held out his notebook.

  “Sure.”

  Harry signed Rusty’s notebook. As he did, Rusty said, “You’ll have to tell me all about it later sometime, I got to get to class.”

  Harry handed Rusty back his notebook.

  “Wow, thanks!” Rusty skipped happily away.

  Meanwhile, Ginny handed Ron a package. “It’s from Mom,” she explained. “Pigwedgie was wandering around earlier, so I took the package for you.”

  Ron opened the parcel. Inside there were a few wands and a note. “Thank God,” he said out loud.

  He opened the folded paper. It read:

  Do you think these grow on trees?

  Love,

  Mom

  Meanwhile, Harry was relieved that there was a long row of tables between Ginny and himself. There was no sense in upsetting Ron, especially since he wasn’t interested in his sister. When Ginny left, she merely blew him a kiss. Fortunately, Ron was busy and didn’t notice.

  They quickly ate something that felt like, tasted like, and they strongly suspected were cardboard triangles smothered in cheese sauce. Then, they crossed a rickety rope bridge over a pit of acid to get to their next class, Astro-Numerology.

  Frenzy’s classroom had an elaborate illusion that made it appear as though you were in the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death, the centaur’s home. The primal noises of the forest created a disturbingly chilling atmosphere to learn in.

  Frenzy had begun teaching last year, and relished the opportunity to teach human children of the failures of their race. He had a certain knack for making it seem as though they were responsible for all the generations of humans that had preceded them.

  In his first lesson, he pointed out that five in numerology was the number that corresponded to woe and misery. Humans, having five toes on each foot, stood upon the earth and formed a basis for calamity. They were remiss in having bothered to drop down from the trees and stand up in the first place. Everything that followed only built upon this first mistake. It was a depressing lecture.

  Magical Beast Biology was their next class, taught by Cubious Hasbeen, the Keeper of the Schools Magical Petting Zoo. They headed out the back door of the school, and walked past Lake Iwannabealifeguard, down the path to the log cabin, next to the Magical Creature Petting Zoo, and on the edge of the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death. Vultures circled overhead ominously. The weather was warm and the lake looked beautiful. Harry wished he could cut class and relax in one of the chaise lounges out by the diving board. Maybe there would be time to relax after classes were done for the day.

  Harry greeted his good friend Hasbeen warmly.

  “’ello ’arry,” replied the massive man. Hasbeen always reminded Harry of a large grizzly bear that had escaped the circus wearing a small circus tent. It was probably because Hasbeen got his clothing from Omar the Tent Man’s Big and Tall Fashions, that, and all the hair. Completing the image, when he patted Harry on the back, it was like being swatted by a massive paw, knocking Harry to the ground. Hasbeen, like a grizzly bear, didn’t know his own strength.

  He wasted no time getting the students to work. This year, they would be getting much deeper into magical creatures, spleen deep. Their first project was dissecting a pixie.

  “Blech!” Hermione whispered, “Why do they always schedule this class so soon after lunch?”

  Harry whispered back, “Would you prefer to do this before lunch?”

  Harry found himself anxious in “Sawing” class. Humphrey the Wise and Mystical was demonstrating sleight of hand tricks, pulling cards out of thin air. For once in his life, Harry wanted to be in Poisons class, and it seemed like it would never come.

  When the gong rang, he dashed from “Sawing” class, running through the hallways, and sliding down the east corridor fire pole. Enchilada Johnson called out to him, but he didn’t bother to stop. Enchilada Johnson was the Nerd Quibbage Team captain. Most likely she wanted to tell Harry when their first practice would be. He’d find out later. He wanted to get to Poisons class before Ape started talking about the Chamber of Cheesecakes. Harry had a lot of questions, and any clue Professor Ape could give them about the chamber might help solve the mystery. Perhaps Ape even knew how to get past the poodle and might accidentally let the information slip.

  He stopped to catch his breath outside the dungeon laboratory where Carnivorous Ape taught Poisons. He was not the first anxious student to arrive. He was however, the least prepared student to arrive.

  When he entered, Ape sneered, “Putter, where is your cauldron?” Harry thought, “No ‘hello,’ no ‘welcome back,’ no warm or welcoming smile.”

  He replied congenially, “Hello Professor, it’s good to see you again, did you have a pleasant holiday?”

  “Never mind my holiday, Putter. Your cauldron?”

  “Errr, I don’t have one. That is, I don’t have any of my equipment, ‘cept for my wand.”

  “Putter, you are sorely wrong if you think I want to hear any of your sob stories.”

  Hermione and Ron dashed in, out of breath. It was obvious they had been running in the halls.

  Ape turned on them. “Running in the halls, are we, Mr. Perfect, and Ms. Perfect? A fine example you set for the rest of the students. That’s minus five points for each of you, for running, and minus five more for setting a poor example.”

  Faco and his groupies walked in just in time to hear Ape subtract points from the Nerds House. Ron and Hermione had run past them in the hall.

  Faco smiled pleasantly, and greeted the professor with a fist bump. Then he coolly announced, “Not only were they running in the halls, but they knocked down one of the preschoolers
. I had to help the little girl up, and send her to the hospital wing. Hopefully her cut won’t need stitches.”

  “What?” Hermione raised her voice indignantly.

  “Liar!” accused Ron.

  “That’s enough!” commanded the professor. “That’s minus five more points for each of you! Now take your seats!”

  “Oh, and Putter, minus five points for you, too, for not being prepared. Have your equipment ready, or I’ll subtract ten next time.”

  Harry opened his mouth to explain again that he didn’t have any of his equipment, that it was all back home at Privy Drive. Ape cut him off, pointing and saying, “Shut it.”

  The professor began class by asking review questions from last year’s studies. “Who can tell me what poisonous substance can be used to cure lycanthropy?”

  Hermione was the only one to raise her hand high. Ape called on Harry.

  Harry swallowed. “Garlic?”

  Ape growled, “Putter, I do believe that another series of Remedial Poisons work is in order, you will stay after class.”

  When Ape mentioned Remedial Poisons work after class, Harry knew right away that Ape really meant something else entirely. “Remedial Poisons” was the code phrase Harry and he had worked out last year for their secret after class activity. In accordance with Grumblesnore’s request, Harry began studying with Professor Ape after school last year.

  Grumblesnore thought Harry would benefit greatly from yoga. He was concerned about Harry’s ability to channel Lord Moldyfart. It usually happened at night, and at first Harry thought he was dreaming. Later it became clear at moments Harry was able to see what Lord Moldyfart could see, hear what Lord Moldyfart could hear, and feel what the Fart Lord felt. Grumblesnore was concerned this ability would eventually become known to the Fart Lord, and when it did, Lord Moldyfart was sure to try to use it to his advantage.

  Grumblesnore decided that yoga was just the thing. Yoga would have a calming influence on Harry, and help the high-strung boy keep his mind clear, at peace, and inside its own thick skull. Harry naturally disliked yoga, it represented everything the hyper-boy drama queen was not. However, it was obvious from Ape’s comment that Grumblesnore wanted Harry to continue practicing yoga this year with Ape after school. Harry wished Ape would call it “Honors Poison” work instead of “Remedial Poison” work. However, Ape’s code phrase was a lot more realistic and attracted no suspicion whatsoever.

  Harry turned red.

  “Anyone else?” He deliberately ignored Hermione’s waving arm.

  “Faco?”

  “Belladonna.”

  “Correct, also known as nightshade.”

  After a series of similar review questions, Ape waved his wand and a complex series of instructions appeared on the chalkboard. They were instructions for brewing a concoction that was poisonous to humans, but was excellent fertilizer for growing lotus blossoms, a very useful ingredient in many other deadly poisons and antidotes.

  Harry was balking inside. Why was Ape teaching class? Why wasn’t Ape telling them about the Chamber of Cheesecakes? He had told all of his other classes the whole story, why wasn’t he telling them? His questions were clogging his brain, preventing him from concentrating. They were on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t ask. He didn’t want to give Ape the satisfaction.

  Fortunately, someone else came to his rescue. Perverti Pickle raised her hand, and when the professor acknowledged her, she asked, “But, aren’t you going to tell us about the Chamber of Cheesecakes?”

  “You are all sixth year students. You were here when the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts was opened. Or have you forgotten already?”

  Pickle blushed. “No, of course not, but …”

  “Well, then what do you wish to know? I’m sure you have already heard that Sloberic Slipperin is the wizard responsible for both of these dessert chambers?”

  “But, …”

  Ape sighed. “All right, for those of you who may have been brain-freezed last time, I’ll review the events that took place during your second year.”

  “It was on the first day of school that Belch’s cat, Chuck Norris, was found incapacitated. It had licked a bowl of ice cream, – ice cream that had come from the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts. The cat was instantly brain-freezed. Above it, there was a message. It was just like the one you saw yesterday above Belch, only it was about ice cream and ice cream sandwiches and such, not cheesecakes.

  Now, if you recall, I explained to you back then about Sloberic Slipperin. He was one of the founders of this school, and the creator of the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts. No one knows why exactly, the guy was just insane about dessert for some reason. He loved his desserts. And I suppose he got sick and tired of little children with no respect for rules raiding the school’s freezers and taking his desserts without permission. It’s just one more example of how much happier we would all be if everyone obeyed the rules.

  Anyway, he’s the one who set up the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts, to protect his ice cream and ice cream novelties. He set up the chamber both to protect his desserts and to keep them magically fresh forever. And he created a special key to open the chamber, so that his heir, the Heir of Slipperin, would be able to enjoy his legacy.”

  He paused to spell “Heir” on the chalkboard.

  “If you’ll recall, the Heir of Slipperin arrived that day, four years ago. Someone brought a cookbook for Frozen Dairy Desserts in to school. The cookbook was the key that opened up the hidden chamber, and started the whole fiasco with cats and students getting brain-freezed and all.

  “Finally, one of the students destroyed the cookbook, resealing the Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts. Those who were brain-freezed were eventually defrosted and have since, fully recovered.

  Quite obviously Sloberic’s insanity didn’t end there. He apparently has set up other hidden dessert chambers within the school, well, at least one other chamber. This latest one seems to put out some pretty awesome cheesecake. However, it looks like the result is virtually the same, once you eat it, you’re finished, that is, stuck in the hospital wing for a good long time.”

  “So what does it all mean?” asked Faco.

  “It means, that the key to the Chamber of Cheesecakes has arrived, someone probably has brought a cookbook in, one with cheesecake recipes. It means that the Err of Slipperin has arrived.” He paused to write down “Err” on the chalkboard.

  “Or to be more exact, The Heir of the Err of Slipperin has arrived. It is well documented that Sloberic Slipperin’s first child, Salvador Slipperin was brilliant like his father. However, against his better judgment, he and his wife decided to have a second child, who turned out to be, quite stupid. In fact, Sloberic was greatly embarrassed by his second son, whose real name ironically was Solomon. He used to refer to his own son, Solomon, as Simpleton instead. While Salvador was his heir, Simpleton was his err.” He pointed to the two words on the chalkboard as he spoke.

  “Any questions?”

  “I don’t get it,” said Lavatory Brown. “What’s, like, the big deal? Like, so what if a room full of cheesecake suddenly, like, pops open? I mean, like, wouldn’t that be a good thing? Like, especially if you, like, like cheesecake?”

  “Ms. Brown, what it means is that we are all once again in great danger. The Chamber of Frozen Dairy Desserts was guarded by a hideous and quite deadly monster. I’m sure that we can expect no less, this time.”

  Ape slapped the desk in front of him to get their attention.

  “Let me make myself clear. Under no circumstances, should any of you attempt to find this Chamber of Cheesecakes! It is far too dangerous. And that goes double for you, Putter!”

  Elvis Grumblesnore walked into Poisons class a moment before the gong rang signaling that class was over. He looked at Harry and said, “I’d like to have a word with you, Harry, if I may?”

  “Sure,” said Harry, happy for any excuse that would get him out of doing yoga with Ape. Grumblesnore led Harr
y to his office and held back the bead curtain for Harry to enter.

  Inside Grumblesnore’s office, Harry’s eyes raced from one interesting artifact to the next. The walls were covered with gold records. There was a glamorous black leather outfit including sunglasses in a glass class on the wall behind Grumblesnore’s desk. There was a white outfit with sequins and a cape on an Elvis mannequin. It had plastic lei garlands around the neck. There was an acoustic guitar on a stand in the corner, next to ancient-looking microphone on a stand.

  On the desk, there was a metal colander, a half-eaten peanut butter and banana sandwich, and Elvis’s pet rock, Raukes. Elvis was fond of saying “Raukes Rocks!”

  An elf was hard at work washing the windows. It turned to look at Harry for a second, but didn’t greet him. It was Bobby. Bobby was pretending not to know Harry in front of Grumblesnore. Harry wondered about this. Why would Bobby hide his pretense of friendship with Harry from Grumblesnore? Bobby was afraid of something, but what? Was he afraid Grumblesnore would find out about Bobby’s hatred for Harry?

  Grumblesnore asked Harry to sit, then walked behind his desk and sat down in his own chair. He picked up the colander from the desk, and placed it inverted on his own head. Harry was already familiar with Grumblesnore’s magical colander. It had a triple purpose; it improved Grumblesnore’s memory, it kept extra-terrestrials from reading his mind, and of course, it could be used in the traditional way, to strain pasta.

  “Well, Harry, welcome back,” began Elvis. “I hope you had a nice summer. Feeling any better about your deceased uncle?”

  Harry felt a sudden pang and stuttered, “I-I-I think about him all the time. Everything reminds me of him.”

  “That’s quite normal. It takes time to get over these things. Time will heal your wounds Harry. The key is to stay busy. Busy doing good things, like studying, playing quibbage, and practicing your yoga.”