Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  “Oh man! What a bummer. Can I have your hoverboard?” asked Shabby.

  “Yeah, I guess. By the way, are either of you the Err of Slipperin?” asked Harry.

  “Me? Nah, if I was the Err of Slipperin, I’d sell the recipe book to a big cheesecake company for a billion dollars!” said Maldoy. Shabby laughed as he headed over to the Retina Scan bar.

  “Okay, then, see you, I just remembered, I forgot to do something,” said Harry. The three pair of sneakers started to hightail it out of there.

  “When’s the funeral?” asked Faco, calling out after them.

  “Wednesday.”

  Chapter 10 - The Quibbage Match

  It is said that inspiration struck Elvis Grumblesnore when he accidentally stepped in a pile left by one of the sheep that used to graze on the very same field that quibbage matches are played on today. Not only was he inspired to write the song “Blue Suede Shoes,” which were incidentally ruined in the accident; not only was he inspired to write a cookbook with several recipes for mutton; he was also inspired to create the popular Witches and Warlock’s game we know today as quibbage.

  Quibbage matches take place on the front lawn at Hogwashes, about every other week, or more often if the season is rainy. However, if it does rain, matches are canceled and played on the next fair-weather day.

  A giant head is positioned at each end of the field. Each head has twelve teeth. There are three slingshotters on each team who, using a slingshot, fire rubber balls in an attempt to knock the teeth out of their opposing team’s giant head. Each tooth knocked out is worth ten points. On each team, one goalkeeper uses a garbage can lid as a shield to block rubber balls fired at his team’s teeth. There are three more members to each team, two whackers, and one driver. The driver is the only team member to ride a lawnmower. The rest of the team ride on hoverboards. The whackers use power trimmers to cut the grass where the lawnmower can’t get. The game is played until the last blade of grass is cut, which immediately ends the contest. The team that cuts the most grass earns five million points.

  Every quibbage match is exciting. However, the quibbage match that pitted the Popular Rich Kids against the Nerds was the highlight of each of Harry’s school years. There was a special satisfaction in defeating Faco Maldoy’s team. This year, Faco was captain for the Popular Rich Kids. Harry had to admit from what he had seen so far, it was the best team they had ever fielded. He had watched them defeat the Athletic Jocks most impressively. And, of course they had beaten the Party Animals, as was expected.

  The Nerd team was doing nearly as well. They had trounced the Party Animals, as expected. They had eked out a win against the Athletic Jocks. So the two teams would meet in the last game of the season, in mid November, to determine bragging rights, in a game that would decide who was best, and who was second.

  That day was today, November 14th. Harry got up early to take care of his John Deere 2000, a bribe from his late Uncle Serious Smack the Clown, and fill it with gas for the match that afternoon. He always took special care to keep it in top condition. Harry is a naturally-gifted driver with five years of playing experience. Ron was in his second year as the Nerd’s starting Goalkeeper. For the two of them, their anticipation made the day drag on until the match was ready to begin. Ron has butterflies in his stomach the whole time.

  “I don’t know how you can stand all this pressure. Before each game, I feel sick to my stomach. I’m so nervous.”

  Harry replied, “Nonsense, Ron, what you need is something to eat, – something to keep your energy up for the big game.”

  They went back to their room to get some chocolate slugs. When they returned Enchilada Johnson was giving the rest of the team a few strategic pointers before the match began.

  John Madman and Pat Butterball always announced the Hogwashes matches, and today was no exception. John applied the Resounderous spell to his throat, then began to address the crowd.

  “Good afternoon, wizards and witches, and welcome to beautiful Hogwashes Field. It’s a crisp golden autumn day, perfect conditions for today’s match between the Popular Rich Kids…” He paused as a wave of applause and shouting ensued. Then he continued, “who have had a largely successful history versus the Nerd House…” He paused again but this time to an awkward silence. He jumped in again, “since they first met over fifty years ago on this very field. Lately, however, the Nerds seem to have gotten the better of the PRKs, having won the House Cup the last five years in a row. A feat that you’d have to have been around in the 1970’s to remember the last time that happened. A win this year would make it an unprecedented six in a row.”

  “Most attribute their recent success to the play of their sixth year driver, Harry Putter, his John Deere 2000, and his uncanny ability to cheat. I’ve watched him in all of his matches, and I haven’t figured out how he does it, but the stats speak for themselves. He’s got the highest driver rating of any driver in history. So, just how does he do it? Well, let’s roll the videotape.”

  On the fields scoreboard big-screen the clip began. There was a life-sized cardboard cutout of Harry Putter. A super-imposed set of lips said in a squeaky elven voice, “I cheated in every one of my quibbage matches to date. Cheating comes as natural to me as to a cheetah. In fact, if I didn’t cheat, I wouldn’t want to even play. While the other players practice, I practice cheating. I cheat as often as Ron Cheesley cheats on his tests. He’s always copying off of Hermione.” The crowd booed and jeered. Ron was shocked. How could Harry sell him out so easily?

  “We’ll be right back, when we return, we’ll hear the Hogwashes School Anthem, right after this.” When the camera turned off, Madman pointed his wand at his throat and said, “Muffelous.” Then he turned to Butterball and said, “Pat, you’re awfully quiet today, you feeling alright?”

  “Just great, John, you were going on and on, and I just didn’t want to interrupt you,” Butterball explained. Then he turned to the gopher and asked, “Can I get some water over here?”

  Madman reapplied the Resounderous spell, and readied himself for the television camera. “Wizards and witches please join the Hogwashes Choir in the singing of the Hogwashes School Anthem.”

  Lavatory Brown stepped forward and the crowd hushed. She began singing. A moment later, her fellow students joined her in song:

  Our school is the finest

  Our students the brightest

  Even our evil geniuses are the best.

  None can compare, from the robes that we wear,

  to the fashionable way that we style our hair.

  Hogwashes, Hogwashes, Hogwashes.

  Our leader is the finest,

  Our light bulbs are the brightest,

  Even our G.O.A.T. scores are the best.

  No one can compare, no one even dare,

  if they’re too stupid to care, they’d better beware,

  ‘cause we’ll steal their lunch money at recess.

  Hogwashes, Hogwashes, Hogwashes.

  Our food is the finest,

  Our smiles the brightest,

  Send help, we’re being held against our will.

  None can compare, don’t sit there and stare.

  We need help, call 911, there’s no time to spare.

  Were trapped at

  Hogwashes, Hogwashes, Hogwashes.

  Cheers and cries of help rang out at the end of the song.

  Madman applied the Resounderous Spell to his throat and began again, “It always moves me to hear the Hogwashes Anthem sung so beautifully. But I think they changed some of the words? Did you notice anything different, Pat?”

  Pat applied the Resounderous Spell to himself and replied, “I wasn’t listening, John,” then he returned to the magazine he was reading, Warlock’s Wardrobe.

  John took over excitedly, “And here come the Popular Rich Kids’ team lead by their captain, Faco Maldoy.” The crowd went wild, cheering, screaming, whistling, and stomping their feet.

  “Is there anyone who doesn’t like the
Popular Rich Kids this year? I mean come on, Faco Maldoy is soooo cute.” A few of the girls screamed.

  “And I’ve got to think this is their year, what with their new hoverboards, slingshots, robes, and lawnmower, the John Deere 2004! That is one sweet ride-on, huh, Pat?”

  Butterball shrugged, “I guess.”

  Madman gave Butterball a perplexed look, but took over again, “I heard that baby not only cuts the grass, but mulches the clippings! And here come the Nerds, led by their captain, Enchilada what’s her face. I have to say, doesn’t the Nerds team look more pathetic with each team they field over the years?”

  He glanced at Butterball, who turned another page in the magazine he was reading. John didn’t pause long for Pat, “But don’t be fooled. That twerp, Putter, he may look like a geek, but he sure can cheat! Now, if you direct your attention to the center of the field, today’s referee, Ms. Smooch, will conduct today’s elf toss!”

  Ms. Smooch called out, “As Nerd Team Captain, you get to call the toss. Heads or tails?”

  Enchilada Johnson said, “Tails, no Heads! HEADS!”

  Ms. Smooch threw the elf up so that it flipped repeatedly in the air, landed with a thud on its head, then somersaulted a few times until it came to rest face down in the dirt. “Tails, it is!” She turned to Faco Maldoy and asked, “Which goal will you take?”

  “That one.” Faco indicated the West goal head that his team would defend, – the one with the sun behind it, where it wouldn’t shine directly into the goalkeeper’s eyes mercilessly, like the one left for Cheesley to defend.

  The teams got into position as Madman introduced the players to the crowd.

  The two drivers Faco and Harry revved their engines as Ms. Smooch shouted, “Ready … Set …”

  Faco hit the throttle and took off like a shot.

  “GO!”

  Harry coughed a bit at the cloud of dust raised by Faco’s John Deere 2004, then took off himself.

  “And they’re off! Faco takes an early lead on Putter by executing a Premature Departure maneuver to perfection. Meanwhile, the Nerd Whackers, Seymour Butz and Tabithaa Stevens, head to the left side of the field to trim the sidewalk.”

  “And the Popular Rich Kids take an early and abrupt lead as their slingshotters knock out the first tooth of the game. Second year goalkeeper Cheesley’s looking overwhelmed by the combined onslaught of the opposing Slingshotters, Darth Vader, Bobby the elf, and Satan. That was Bobby with the score.”

  The Poplar Rich Kids in the stands broke into song:

  Cheesley is goof.

  He cannot block a single tooth,

  we’re telling you the gospel truth,

  Cheesley is a goof.

  Madman’s voice boomed over the singing, “On the South side of the field the PRK Whackers, Shabby and Foil, are trimming around the scattered trees, rocks, and shrubs. And at that goal head, Panties Pimpleton is holding off the Nerd slingshotters, Enchilada what’s her face, Ginny Cheesley, and Colin Creepy. Colin Creepy looks particularly inept with his slingshot. What a wimp.”

  “Looks like more pressure on Cheesley as the PRK slingshotters bombard him. That Satan, boy, can he bring the heat! Ohh! Cheesley took a painful shot to his nose, leaving an opening for Vader, and he scores! It’s 20-0 for the PR Kids.”

  Cheesley is a clumsy clot,

  he trips over his own feet a lot,

  In a hundred years he won’t block a shot,

  Cheesley is a clot.

  “Faco cuts Putter off zooming by on his John Deere 2004. Putter swerves to avoid the collision. Faco’s cutting a lot of grass, he’s really improved on his Driver Efficiency Rating this year. I also like the look of the pattern he’s cutting into the grass.

  Wait what’s that? He’s writing something out on the North lawn. ‘Harry ….Putter….Stinks!’ Oh, that’s funny! Here comes Putter to erase it with his mower. It’s going to take Putter a while to get rid of that.”

  “Time out, Nerds. Captain Enchilada what’s her face doesn’t like what’s she’s seen so far, and she’s called time out to rally her team. Stay tuned after these words from our sponsors.”

  Madman applied the Muffelous spell to his throat, and then asked Butterball for some of his water. “Pat, what’s up, you haven’t said a thing yet about the game! Aren’t you going to help with the commentary?”

  “Well, yeah, John. That’s why I’m here after all. How about if you let me start off when the game resumes?”

  “That would be great.”

  Meanwhile, Enchilada Johnson started shouting over the noise of the lawnmowers, getting on Ron’s case. “We need you to double your efforts Ron! We’re falling behind too quickly. I don’t know how we’re going to catch up!”

  Colin Creepy shouted, “Yeah, and I don’t like to lose.”

  Ron’s brow was dripping with sweat and he already looked exhausted. He glared at the wimp, Creepy, with a look of fury. He was already giving everything he could, and really was doing as much as was humanly possible, having made several incredible saves. Creepy, on the other, had done nothing to score any points for the Nerds, and barely seemed to understand how to use a slingshot. Ron yelled, “Right!” and steeled himself to do even more when the game resumed.

  Meanwhile, the Popular Rich Kids were giving each other high fives. Satan was the first to take his shirt off and was flexing and posing. A few of the others soon followed.

  Pat Butterball applied the Resounderous spell to his throat then said, “And here we go,” as the game resumed. He immediately applied the Muffelous spell, made himself comfortable, and closed his eyes as though ready for a siesta.

  Madman almost choked on the water he was drinking, but quickly recovered. “I just thought I’d mention that time-outs don’t apply to drivers. Drivers would have to be insane to stop cutting. Unless they have some kind of mechanical failure, you want your driver out there cutting grass. Basically, you stop, you lose. The stats prove it. Eleven outta the past twelve times, when the driver stops, whatever the reason, that team loses the match.”

  “The Nerd Whackers, Butz and Stevens, continue to edge the sidewalk, while the Nerd Slingshotters, Enchilada what’s her face, Ginny Cheesley, and Colin Creepy, continue to struggle. Their latest inept attempts are thwarted by PRK goalie, Pimpleton. They just don’t seem to have practiced coordinating their attacks.”

  At the other end of the field, especially loud banging could be heard as Ron’s garbage can lid was being pounded by shot after shot from the combined onslaught of Satan, Bobby, and Vader, as they began using steel shot instead of rubber balls. Ron had even taken a shot that cracked one of his ribs, but continued to block every piece of steel hurled his way. Several ricochets had even punched holes into the giant head.

  Madman continued, “It looks like the PKR slingshotters have doubled their assault on Cheesley. Just look at the dents in his garbage can lid! One can’t help but admire their ingenuity substituting steel shot for rubber balls. It’s so obvious when they cheat, yet I’ve been watching Putter, and still haven’t seen him cheat, though undoubtedly he must be. Well, maybe this will even things out.”

  “Maldoy and Putter are really going at it now. They are neck and neck and kicking at each other and each other’s mowers as they circle round the field.”

  “Meanwhile, Seymour Butz and Tabithaa Stevens have moved on to the South side of the field and are competing with Shabby and Foil for trees, rocks, and shrubs to trim around. Looks like they are quickly running out of places to trim. But that’s to be expected when you have four Whackers on the field as good as these guys.”

  “And it’s another goal for the PKR team! Satan gets credit for the score, Vader for the assist.”

  Cheesley is totally spastic,

  You’d better do something drastic,

  Nothing is as well-known as,

  Cheesley is a spaz.

  “Cheesley’s arguing with the field judge. Bad move Cheesley! And the ref, Ms. Smooch, gives him the yellow card!
Ouch! He better watch himself now, the Nerd’s can’t afford to lose Cheesley, should he draw the red card.”

  “Now the ref is examining the PKR Slingshotters’ ammo bags. Looks like their steel ammo is well hidden. No penalty cards are issued. And she blows the whistle, the game resumes.”

  “Putter and Maldoy begin cutting small leftover patches here and there, as the assault on Cheesley begins afresh. You know, I think he’s doing a heck of a job out there, Pat.” Madman glanced at Butterball, who was snoring loudly. He resumed, “The kid has a high percentage of shots blocked. But when you have that many shots coming at you, a few are bound to get through. And the PKR slingshotters, have almost 600 more shots taken than the Nerds slingshotters.”

  “The Whackers are done trimming, and have started to use their trimmers now on each other’s quibbage robes! Butz and Foil are holding each other off, but Stevens is really doing a job on Shabby’s robe and now she’s using her trimmer on Shabby’s hoverboard! I’ve never seen that before.”

  “On the North side of the field, Pimpleton just threw her garbage can lid at Enchilada what’s her face, bounced it off her forehead, BAM, and caught it again. She’s down. And Pimpleton didn’t miss a beat, blocking both shots from the other two Nerds.”

  “And Cheesley’s taking another pounding on the other end of the field. The PRK team is using rubber ammo once again, but they’re slinging it at a furious rate. It’s hitting Cheesley’s shield so rapidly it sounds like an automatic weapon. Vader uses the force to throw the kitchen sink at Cheesley, who ducks, and it’s Satan with the score again! And it’s 40 to zip, PRKs. The Nerd’s call another timeout! They need to apply some smelling salt to their captain. Well be right back after this.”