Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  He looked over at Santa. He was still breathing, but Santa had hit his head pretty hard. He’ll need to see Nurse Pomfrite. Grumblesnore, too, was breathing, his nose bleeding. Grumblesnore would need to visit the hospital wing, too. The bandersnatches were gone; they had disappeared back to where ever they had come from. Lord Moldyfart was breathing too. In fact, to Harry’s astonishment, he rolled over and stood up slowly.

  Harry’s jaw dropped. He wanted to ask how it was possible, but all he could manage to say was, “But ….”

  “Nice try, fool, but you can’t kill me that way!” laughed the Fart Lord. “You’ll never defeat me, Putter, not until pigs fly! Because you don’t know the one Word of Power that would change me back to my true form for all eternity.” Moldyfart laughed again evilly.

  “Cripes! Really?”

  “You see,” began Lord Moldyfart, “What?” His body began to smoke. Harry just stared.

  “No one uses that word! IT”S NOT POSSIBLE!” he yelled. He began to scream, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Billowing smoke hid the Fart Lord from view as he metamorphosized into his true form. Lord Moldyfart was a groundysnout. He snorted in disgust and flew away.

  Chapter 16 - The Hospital Wing Revisited

  Elvis Grumblesnore was lying in bed in a private room in the school’s hospital wing. His nose had been broken the night before by Lord Moldyfart. Nurse Pomfrite had put a bandage on it, more to cover where his skin had been split open, than to do anything to make it better. The slave-elf, Bobby, stood on his bed holding up a hand mirror. Elvis looked in the mirror at his now gruesome face. Both of his eyes had been severely blackened by the blow. It was all Harry’s fault. He was in a foul mood, when in walked Harry Putter to visit him, carrying a bouquet of flowers. (Harry had scoffed them from a vase in one of the school portraits. The woman in the portrait had been pretty mad about it, but her feelings weren’t important to Harry, as she couldn’t do anything to Harry about it.)

  Harry said, “Good morning!”

  Grumblesnore rolled his eyes and said grumpily, “I don’t see what’s so good about it. As a matter of fact, it seems to be going downhill rather rapidly.” Bobby frowned, and climbed down from the bed, standing quietly at his master’s side, should he be needed.

  “Grumblesnore, I want to thank you for saving my life!” Harry said handing the flowers to the headmaster. “That was an ingenious plan you had last night to trick Moldyfart and all the others. I was almost convinced that you really wanted to kill me, until you set up Lord Moldyfart like that!” Harry laughed. “Then I realized that he’s never going to be a match for you! You’re far too brilliant a wizard, you fooled them all.”

  Then Harry became more serious as he sat on the edge of Grumblesnore’s bed, and said in a lowered voice, “I’m sorry I ever considered not coming to school this year. I promise no matter what, no matter how many people want to kill me, I’ll always trust you to protect me, and come here, where I belong.”

  Bobby slapped his own forehead, but said nothing.

  Grumblesnore chuckled, then said sweetly, “Oh, Harry! You’re the real genius! You see through all my tricks. Even the wall of cheese, which I must say, was one of my most brilliant ideas to date. What? What? A wall that you had to eat through, impossible to eat any cheesecake after that! How is Ron by the way? Has he recovered from eating all that cheese?”

  “Nurse Pomfrite says he’s pretty backed up, but he’ll be fine in a couple of days.”

  “And Santa? He hit his head pretty hard. Is he alright?”

  “Yes, Nurse Pomfrite healed his fractures already, and he said he’s planning to take off a year to recover in Cancun! He’s borrowed Hasbeen to take over his duties until after next Christmas! He said Hasbeen seems to have a knack for handling magic reindeer. So Hasbeen’s going to be delivering all the presents this year!”

  Grumblesnore was turning more and more red as Harry spoke, until he exploded, “What! He can’t do that! He’s needed here! Who’s going to take care of the Magical Petting Zoo? I can’t do everything! Who allowed this to happen?”

  “Santa, Hasbeen, and I arranged the whole thing earlier this morning.”

  Grumblesnore’s eyes narrowed, “This was your idea, wasn’t it?”

  “Well, it was the least I could do, you should have seen how happy Santa was with the idea. And with Hasbeen in charge, I’ll bet we get everything that we ask for!” said Harry delighted.

  Grumblesnore was far less than delighted. “You idiot! You’re ruining my life!” He grabbed Harry by his pencil-like neck and started to choke him.

  “And you are completely wrong about me, Harry! I wasn’t acting like I wanted to kill you! You’ve been nothing but trouble since you first came here, and you’ve made my life a MISERABLE HEADACHE! Killing you will solve all my problems at once, and maybe after next Christmas my life will start to get back to normal! Instead of dealing with The Demented running around the school, and evil wizards, and getting the sack, maybe I will be able to run a school for a change!”

  Harry’s face was starting to turn blue, he couldn’t reply, he had to do something, he was running out of breath. But he couldn’t loosen the grip of Grumblesnore’s claw like hands around his throat. Then suddenly, the headmaster let go.

  “Nurse Pomfrite,” said Grumblesnore, trying to sound innocent. “I didn’t see you there! I was just trying to help Harry get an eyelash out of his eye!”

  Harry was gasping for breath.

  Nurse Pomfrite said, “I brought you some ibuprofen, Grumblesnore, I heard you yell that you have a miserable headache.”

  She handed him the tablets and a glass of water.

  “Thank you, my dear, that was very thoughtful of you to anticipate my needs. But, I hate to take you away from your other patients.”

  “Well, I suppose I’d better check and see how Cheesley is doing,” she replied and started heading out the door.

  “Wait!” yelled Harry. “I’ll go too! I want to see how Ron’s doing!”

  Grumblesnore pleaded sweetly, “Stay with me a while longer, Harry!” He smiled at Nurse Pomfrite as he held his water in one hand, and grabbed Harry by the back of his shirt collar with his other, the ibuprofen falling somewhere onto his bed.

  “But visiting hours are over! Aren’t they Ms. Pomfrite?” croaked Harry, as he twisted trying to get away. He considered telling Ms. Pomfrite the truth, but he knew she would never believe him.

  She turned and said, “Oh, you can stay for five more minutes. It won’t kill anybody.” Nurse Pomfrite left, and Grumblesnore’s smile left with her.

  “Okay, but I can only stay for five more minutes. What time do you have?” asked Harry.

  Grumblesnore sighed as he turned his wrist to look at his watch, accidentally spilling the glass of water in his hand directly onto Bobby the house-elf’s head. Bobby immediately transformed into a sharp-toothed fiend, and starting biting and scratching Grumblesnore in a way that reminded Harry of the Tasmanian Devil from Loony-Tune Cartoons. Grumblesnore lost his grip on Harry’s collar.

  Harry ran from the room, to the screams of Grumblesnore, “You did that on purpose! You’ll pay for this!”

  Harry closed the door and flipped the sign hanging on the knob so that it read, “Do Not Disturb!”

  Chapter 17 - The Last Day of School

  Professor McGooglesnot stood up in front of the entire school body in the Great Eatery. Three people weren’t there. Grumblesnore was still recovering from the mysterious accident that incapacitated him several months ago. Professor Farthard, and Professor Ape weren’t so fortunate, they had died from their extensive injuries. Rumor had it, they had suffered grievous injuries while fighting a terrible beast, rescuing Professor McGooglesnot and several students, and closing the Chamber of Cheesecakes forever. Supporting this rumor was the fact that there had been no mysterious cheesecake incidents since.

  Professor Ape’s death greatly affected Harry. It was the third death surrounding him in the past three years. The fir
st was Cedric Biggleby. Cedric had died during the Fry-Wizard tournament. Along with Harry, he was trapped by the Fungus Eaters. In order to restore their master, Lord Moldyfart to his full powers, the Fungus Eaters killed Cedric. Harry battled the Fart Lord and escaped. The second death was Serious Smack the Clown, Harry’s elusive uncle, who had died in the bizarre circus tragedy last year. Ape was the third, the most recent, and the closest yet to Harry.

  While Harry hardly knew Cedric or Serious Smack the Clown, he knew Professor Ape very well. And it was only now that he was dead that Harry realized just how well. He had been spending hours each day with the Professor during Poisons class, and immediately after practicing yoga. He realized that Ape had tried to teach him some very important lessons: the importance of peace; the value of obeying rules and laws; and that violence is the last resort of the incompetent. And only now that Ape was dead, did the lessons finally make sense to Harry. So he did the only thing he could. In the memory of Ape, Harry took his lessons to heart.

  The next time Hermione attempted to swat an elf. Harry masterfully stayed her hand. He commanded the elf, “Your services are not wanted here. Go, and do not return.”

  The elf wordlessly obeyed.

  Ron got up to leave too, before he realized Harry wasn’t talking to him.

  Hermione was more than impressed. Harry had changed, and she liked it. She asked him to sit next to her on the submarine ride to Atlantis. Of course, he said he would.

  A month later, Yu Rang broke up with Michael Coronary. Soon after, Yu Rang approached Harry and groaned a deep guttural growl. Harry gracefully apologized, and explained that he had already made other plans for the submarine ride to Atlantis. Yu Rang moaned in dismay.

  The trip to Atlantis had almost been a disaster. When the submarine surfaced in Lake Iwannabealifeguard, a giant squid started wrestling with it. The squid was as big as the submarine. It looked like the trip was going to be canceled for sure, when Ron stepped forward and commanded Nemoy to release the vessel. Everyone was amazed when the squid actually listened to Ron.

  The trip was saved. There were no further incidents after that, and the trip ended up being wonderful. It was the highlight of their school year.

  Hermione never parted sides from Harry. Not at the Neptune Museum, the King’s Palace, the Atlantic Aquarium, or at the Coliseum. They even sat next to each other at The Ambergris Grill, where Harry felt comfortable enough ordering cheesecake for dessert. His choice caused quite a stir among the other sixth year students.

  McGooglesnot said, “Well, it has been a very studious year. I’m very pleased to see how much everyone has learned. Headmaster Grumblesnore would be proud of you all. Unfortunately, he cannot be here to congratulate the winners of this year’s House Cup in person.

  However, he has asked me to assure you that he is very pleased with all of his students and wishes you all a pleasant summer. He asks you all to use your break to have plenty of fun, enjoy yourself, and to get all your silly shenanigans and other malarkey out of the way, because they’ll be none of that come next term. He looks forward to seeing you all next year and I’d like to congratulate you all on his behalf.” McGooglesnot paused to a brief smattering of applause.

  “Now, without further adieu, it is an honor for me to present the House Cup to this year’s winners.” At this, the audience began to show some excitement, especially the Party Animals, where many a catcall rang out.

  “In fourth place, the Jock House with a score of 55 points.” There was a round of polite applause.

  “In third place, the Par-tay Animal House, scoring 60 points. The Party Animals erupted in huge applause including wolf-whistles and shouts of “DUDE!”

  When the uproar died down, McGooglesnot continued, “In second place, the Popular Rich Kids, scoring 75 points.” The end of her sentence was drowned out by groans of dismay as everyone realized the Nerds had won yet again.

  “And in first place, the Nerd House, with a new point total record of 246, 885 points!” There was a smattering of polite applause and the noise of much goofy laughing and celebration. Neville Largebottom became so excited, he had to use his asthma inhaler.

  “We also had a new personal point total record. Hermione Stranger with a total of 246, 875 points!” The Nerds all cheered again for Hermione.

  Professor McGooglesnot clapped her hands and a truly magnificent feast magically appeared in front of them all. The food was incredible, after having subsisted for so long on Henry the Kitchen-Elf’s slop all through the year. They all began to feast merrily.

  Then a small girl stood up on one of the Party Animal tables and yelled, “FOOD FIGHT!” She lobbed a handful of mashed potatoes at Ron Cheesley. Her accuracy was to be admired. She had bright orange hair. It was little Suzanne Cheesley.

  Ron couldn’t control himself. He grabbed a handful of cranberry sauce and flung it at his sister. He hit Charlie Cartuffle by mistake.

  Ron ignored the food being thrown in his direction from several others, as he took aim at Suzanne again this time with a bowl of applesauce. Suzanne danced down the row of Party Animal tables, and jumped down. Ron ended up splattering Ella Mentry and Athena Stalebread with it by mistake.

  Ron snatched at anything. He was being pummeled by all kinds of food. Suzanne climbed up on the teachers’ table.

  Ron adjusted his aim to account for Suzanne’s momentum as she cartwheeled down the length of the teachers’ table. Then he threw. The huge glob of cheesecake he had grabbed arced through the air toward where his target would be in a moment, when all of a sudden Suzanne stopped. The cheesecake sailed by her and made a terrific splat as it landed in Professor McGooglesnot’s face. Minerva was much impressed with the consistency of the cheesecake, or at least the small portion of which had inadvertently splattered into her open mouth. She smiled; it had been a long time coming.

  The food fight that ensued was astronomic in proportion to the one of the preceding year, making it far and away, the worst or greatest one ever, depending on one’s point of view.

  Hours late, because the students were forced to clean up the largely destroyed Great Eatery, they finally boarded the train back to London. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Suzanne shared a train compartment.

  Harry handed Suzanne a folded linen sheet and a battered scroll of parchment. He said, “I decided a while ago that it was time for me to pass these on to someone else. I’ve been trying to decide who I’d like to give them to for quite some time now. And I just decided who I want to have them.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you Suzanne.”

  He taught her how to use the Malarkey Map and the special cloak.

  “You’re certain you won’t need ‘em any more?”

  “Certain? No, but I have a strong feeling I won’t.”

  “Harry, Mom was wondering if you’d like to stay at the Boil for the summer?” asked Ron.

  “Hmmm, that does sound like fun! Let me call Aunt Hachooie and find out if it’s alright with her.”

  He pulled out his cell phone and pressed the speed-dial number for home.

  “Aunt Hachooie, hi, it’s me, Harry.”

  “Harry Putter, your nephew,” he paused.

  “I want to know if it’s alright with you and Uncle Vermin, if I stay the summer at the Cheesleys?” He suddenly jerked the cell phone away from his ear.

  Ron distinctly heard the minute sound of cheering.

  “Hello? Great! Thanks, Aunt Hachooie!”

  The End

  Do you want more Harry Putter?

  Read the sequel – Harry Putter and the Deathly Hairballs

  Now available!

  A panic is going on among the students at Hogwashes School for Wizards and Witches. There’s a new threat, a fiendish devil cat roaming the dungeons. After it rends them to death with its sharp claws, it leaves a hairball behind on each of its victims, a sick kind of calling card left at the scene of each murder.

  The long awaited sequel to "Harry Putter and the Chamb
er of Cheesecakes" has finally arrived. In this hysterical parody of J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" series, your favorite characters, places, and past events have been twisted around with devilish wit. You'll follow the adventures of Harry Putter, Ron Cheesley, and Hermione Stranger in their quest to destroy Lord Moldyfart. While some of the encounters are spoofs reminiscent of the original tales, others are new, keeping the storyline fresh and unpredictable. If you like the original Harry Potter series, you'll love this crazy parody.

  Also by Timothy R. O’Donnell:

  The Epic Erthelba Series

  Iibrahiim introduces a post-apocalyptic earth of adapting life forms, some of which can use ‘magic,’ including man, who has evolved into five races. Iibrahiim explores rich and fascinating new cultures, philosophies, and religions, while telling the tale of one of its heroes, Quaagthook. Meanwhile, the over arching storyline examines the nature of reality and perception, and man’s obligation to himself, -- to discover his life’s purpose, and to fulfill the reason for his existence, if possible.

  Nothing good ever comes from the darkness! The saga continues in Polydora, the second novel in the epic Erthelba series. Quaagthook encounters the soulless Umaanii, a warlike race, cruel and quick to fight. Meanwhile, his soul is trapped in Polydora’s Abyss. He must match wits with the conniving goddess of evil, with not only his life, but his very soul at stake. How does a mere mortal defy and defeat an all-powerful goddess?