Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  “Don’t disappear.” He calls after me. He sounds too calm, like when he’s around Roland.

  I nod and try not to listen as I walk away. In all fairness she warned me. My eyes burn but so help me I won’t cry. I shower fast and put on the same clothes. It’s practically new. Now to face them again. I pause the moment I walk in. They’re lying next to each other.

  “Morgan!” Chance laughs out loud. He’s never laughed like that with me before. I contemplate going outside. but then Chance props himself up on his hand and spots me. His smile fades a bit.

  I have to breathe really slowly, so it’s not shaky. His smile faded when he saw me. I drop his jacket and run. I run around the other side of the building and smack hard into someone. I hic-up as I fall and the concrete is cold under my hands.

  My hands burn when I dust them off on my legs. Then a hand with long nails fills my vision. I take hold and she yanks me up onto my feet. There’s strength in her arm.

  “Well, I’ll be damned. I never thought the man would grow a pair and let you out.” Her voice is cold.

  Shock vibrated through me as I look up. “Mom?” She looks like my mom, but then again she doesn’t. Her black hair is a little longer than mine, but it’s all gone. There is no sign of the soft look, her smile … it’s all gone, all hard and sharp.

  “Once, now it’s Rachel, child. I see you’ve grown up … a little.” She glances over me. I want to keep running, back to Dad. I kept going for her and now she’s not her any more. “Who’s your trainer?”

  “Huh?” After two years that’s what she asks me? “Ch-Chance.”

  Her eyebrow lifts a little. She must be visiting Dawn too. They are perfect.

  “The Daniels boy. I heard the other one got gunned down. You better get yourself in shape. No daughter of mine will be gunned down for DNA bait, you hear me?”

  I nod. I swallow. I nod again. She called me her daughter. She starts to walk by me and I turn around, my words fast, “Where do we train? Do you have a Drill Zone too?” I have to say something that will please her.

  The corners of her mouth lift and I see a little of my mom. “Down the middle tunnel. I’ll see you there.”

  The wall is cold against my back as I lean against it and all I can do is breathe. I rest my hands on my knees and I breathe again. I found Mom! Too much has happened today and I don’t want to think about it all. I follow the laughter around the back of the building. People are no longer dancing but just twisting and shaking their bodies and they seem to be loving it.

  Dawn squeals at me and I brace myself. She throws her arms around my neck in a sloppy hug. There’s a sharp smell on her breath.

  “My new honey-girl. Come on over and shake it down with me.” She stumbles and I help her walk back to the crowd.

  “Awesomeness! Ya’re looking good!” Gerald shrieks like a girl, and I’m sure the whole crowd just heard him. I cringe in behind Dawn. She stumbles and takes us to the ground.

  “Whoopsie,” she giggles.

  Gerald shoves two bottles at us. I take hold so it doesn’t spill over me. He clinks his against ours and they drink. I smell at the bottle, it has a sharp, bitter smell.

  “Bottoms up, honey.” Dawn tips the bottom of the bottle up and I swallow a big gulp. I cough and push her hand away after the second gulp. It fizzes down my throat.

  “You didn’t tell me you have a man.” She slurs.

  “I don’t.” I don’t want to think about Chance right now.

  “Are ya sure about that?” Gerald smiles and gets up. “Come on.” He pulls Dawn up.

  “I am.”

  “There’s one comin’ this way,” Gerald starts backing away with Dawn. I glance over my shoulder and see Chance stalking my way. “Good luck, ya sure gonna need it.”

  I watch Gerald stumble away with Dawn then an arm grabs hold of my waist, his other slips under my knees. When he lifts me into the air, I drop the bottle. I’ve forgotten how strong he is. He doesn’t carry me back to the sleeping quarters. I start to struggle when we get close to the pool.

  “No!” I throw my arms around his neck and cling to him when he steps up to the side of the pool. “Please, Chance, don’t throw me in.” Panic floods every part of my body.

  He doesn’t say anything and drops my legs. I let go of his neck but realize my mistake too late, in one fast movement his hands grab hold of my hips and he throws me backwards.

  The water is like a cold blanket. It swallows me whole. It dims out the sounds and snatches the air from my lungs. My senses fizzle like the drink I just tasted. My arms flail at my sides and I kick at nothing. The water keeps swallowing me, taking me down. Water closes in on me, pressing down on my chest.

  Pressure pushes against my mouth and my mind tells me to breathe – and I gulp, breathing water. It burns into my lungs. My chest aches, and it feels like the water is trying to pry through my very skin to steal my lungs from me. My body grows heavy and I stop moving, because it’s too hard. I see Ethan’s body go limp and I feel mine go limp. Do I look the same?

  My body jerks to the side. Ethan’s didn’t do that, he’s just dropped. My body jerks upwards again and then the water slides off from my face.

  I see the stars, they blink and wink. My head feels too heavy. I feel hands press hard against my chest, and it hurts.

  “Breathe, Jasper!” Chance screams at me. He presses hard on my chest again and I feel sick. I want to tell him to stop, I’m going to be sick. “Please, Jai, breathe.”

  His hands dig into my chest and I cough, water sprouts up my throat and nose, and heave. I sound like Mrs. Noah’s gendog, when he barks. Everything burns. My eyes water when I try to suck in a raspy breath.

  “Sit up so it can all come out.” He helps me to sit up and I pull my knees to my chest. I hold them and press my eyes hard against my legs, until I see red. I don’t want to see him.

  “Why did you do that?” My voice is hoarse, the words grate at my throat.

  “You just keep pushing. I saw you drinking, I thought it would sober you up.” He sighs. I feel his hand against my back and arch away from his touch. “I didn’t know you can’t swim, you were only under for seconds.”

  “I asked you not to throw me in. I said, ‘please don’t throw me in!’” Shivers start to run through my body, shaking at my insides. “I can’t handle something over my face, I get claustrophobic.”

  I clear my throat a few times to get rid of the scratchiness. The shivering is only getting worse.

  “I’m sorry, if I had known, I wouldn’t have thrown you in. Today has been a miserable long day. Let’s go to bed.” His voice is soft and I’d like nothing more than to go sleep right now.

  “I’m wet. I don’t have anything dry.”

  “I’ll get you something.” He takes my arm and helps me up.

  “We’re going to drip water everywhere.”

  “The people are too drunk to notice.”

  I see what he means. Some are lying on the grass, sleeping right where they fell. Others are stumbling, no longer twisting and shaking their bodies. Everyone is very happy.

  “Go get in a hot shower, I’ll meet you there.” I don’t want to know where he’ll get something for me, or from whom.

  The clothes are tight and I have to roll it off of my body. I step in under the spray of warm water and after a few minutes the shivering stops.

  “Jai?” Chance is right outside the door, his voice soft. I turn the water off and step over to the towel, wrapping it fast around me. I only open the door an inch, and I peek at him. “Here you go.” He hands me one of his shirts. Good, I don’t have to wear anything of Morgan’s.

  Then he says, “Give me your wet clothes.” I hesitate for a second.

  “Why?”

  “I’m going to put it in the dryer so you can wear it tomorrow. I don’t want you running around in my shirt.” I smile and close the door.

  I slip into his shirt, it’s not the same one from initiation night, it’s shorter. I tug at i
t. It doesn’t get any longer. I grab the wet clothes and step out, avoiding his eyes.

  “Uhm…” Before I can say anything he wraps a blanket around me.

  There are six big machines lined on the opposite side of the bathroom. He opens the second one’s door and throws our clothes in. He turns a knob twice and presses a button. It starts to hum.

  “Off to bed with you. I need sleep.”

  “We’re just going to leave our clothes in there?” I follow him out anyway, clutching the blanket around me.

  “No one will take it. Why take something you can get for free?”

  I see his point.

  ~*~

  Every other mat is now occupied by someone, some asleep, others whisper to each other. Morgan is curled up against Craig and Skater is fast asleep next to him. I wonder where he’s been that he looks so tired.

  Chance grabs another blanket and throws it over me as soon as I lie down. I move closer to the wall. I don’t want him close to Morgan. He lies down and grabs a blanket of his own. I watch as he uses his arm for a pillow, facing me. He looks very tired and it makes me feel guilty.

  “How many people have you trained?” I didn’t want to think about anything, but what Morgan said is keeping me awake.

  He moves closer to me and I can see him better in the dim light.

  “Two … three if I include you. You are by far the hardest.” He smiles.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “The others were scared of me. They listened.”

  “Well, did you educate them in the art of kissing as well?” I stare at the ceiling. It’s a normal ceiling, no oval lights. There’s a moment’s pause before he answers me.

  “No, I don’t like Skater that much.” He’s avoiding my question and it stings.

  I feel his hand move under the blanket, over my waist. He pulls me closer, until I’m pressed against his body.

  “I’ve asked you to trust me.” He nudges at my cheek with his nose. “Look at me.” I glance at him and his fingers touch my forehead, then they brush down the side of my face to my jaw. “I ask that you trust me in everything, not just with your life. I’ve had a relationship before but I am here now, with you.”

  He opens one side of the blanket I’m rolled in and I feel his hand warm through the material of the shirt as it rests on my stomach.

  “I’m not going anywhere so stop listening to other people and start listening to me.”

  I nod fast. I want him to stop talking now. I roll onto my side so I can face him properly and so I’m closer. His hand slips over the line of my hip and I shiver. He stops.

  “Are you cold?” He frowns.

  I shake my head fast. “No, not at all.” I whisper, sounding breathless. I press my face up into his neck to hide my reactions from him. I don’t want him to see what he’s doing to me. I’m too ashamed after last night. Gosh! It feels like a lifetime ago.

  He leans even more into me and I feel his hand as it continues down my leg and then life sparks into my skin when he touches me above my knee. When his leg slips in between legs, my stomach flutters to life. He takes hold of my leg and lifts it higher, until my knee is resting over his hip. I can feel the shirt inching up and it sends my heart racing out into the stars.

  His hand settles higher up on my leg, lifting the shirt and starts to move up. My heart stutters and I grab hold of his arm. He stops and we both breathe hard. This is different to what we did last night. I don’t want this to stop, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for anything to happen right now.

  “Trust me.” His voice is as hoarse as mine was when he took me out of the pool. I pull my face away from his neck and look into his eyes. There’s nothing there that says he’ll hurt me. I’ve only ever seen integrity, like Dad told me. This is so not the time to be thinking of Dad!

  “I do.” I press my lips to his, hard. I let go off his arm and weave my fingers into his hair.

  His hand brushes up my leg toward the line of my hip, and I gasp into his mouth. He keeps going up, his fingers brushing over my waist, then my spine. He leaves a hot trail all along my skin, all the way to my neck.

  I feel the rough material of the blanket on my skin as he edges the shirt up, exposing my body. He presses a kiss to my jaw, then my neck. Hungry kisses, making me only want more.

  His breaths are as fast as mine. I drop my hands to his shoulders. His hands press harder into the bare skin of my back. He pulls away and lays his forehead on my shoulder.

  “I have to stop before-,” He breathes hard, not finishing his sentence. I should listen to him, because tomorrow I’ll feel bad again, but right now it feels good, extremely good.

  “Before what?”

  “Before I won’t stop, and I’ll keep going until I’ve touched all of you,” he whispers.

  I don’t know if it’s from what he just said or where he is touching me, but my body shivers and I press against him. A moan builds up in my throat and I crush my mouth to his to keep it from slipping out.

  He rolls me onto my back and covers me with his body. His kiss is hungry, like the night before, and then he breaks away for a second.

  “Tell me you care for me,” he whispers urgently.

  I didn’t know that he needed to hear it. I pull him back to me and whisper what he needs to hear against his lips. “Of course I care for you, more than anything!”

  He holds me tightly and I don’t take my hands out of his hair.

  “Jai,” he whispers, and I lift my head slightly, “I don’t make it a habit of touching people. Some things I’m learning as I go along and they are new to me too.”

  It takes me a minute to snap what he’s saying.

  “This is new for you, too?” The thought makes me ecstatic, that he hasn’t touched anybody like he’s touching me. I glance up at him and he closes his eyes.

  “Sleep, Jai. You are really making this hard for me here.”

  I’m grinning so wide my face hurts. I snuggle up to him and taking hold of his hand I hold it between mine.

  “Tell me you care for me,” I repeat his words of earlier.

  “More than anything. Now, please sleep.” I hear the laughter in his voice and I feel light again. For the moment I forget about Mom and what tomorrow might bring.

  ~*~

  Chapter Fifteen

  I wake up first. Chance is lying on his back, one arm under his head, the other over his chest. He looks peaceful. I get up as slowly and quietly as I can, so I don’t wake him. I leave the blankets and walk fast to the bathroom. The tunnels are quiet. I find our clothes and get dressed fast. My shoes feel tighter. I fold his and take it back, placing it neatly next to him, like he did with mine the morning after initiation.

  I leave him sleeping to go see what the Drill Zone looks like here. I want to be prepared when I see Mom again. The tunnel is a little longer than ours and when it opens up I stare. Wow! It’s three times the size of ours! The pathway reaching around the dome is broad. A lot of people can run here at once.

  I start at a slow pace, taking in my surroundings as I move into the dome. The floor is covered with obstacles. They have bags too, lots of them. Cabinets line the wall behind the bags. I wonder if there are guns in those cabinets. There are more hand bars and tires, and a wall with a net attached to another wall.

  Their grid is huge. I’ll break my neck for sure, falling from the top. I jog through the entrance and stop at the stand. Buttons; Grid, Scaffoldings, Ropes, Ladders, I press them all.

  The room roars to life and I cover my ears. I cringe thinking I just woke everyone. But that thought soon evaporates. The scaffoldings drop in an S-shape pattern, zigzagging across the dome, not one lines up with the other, and there are big wrecking balls swinging hazardously between each scaffolding. Some are lower than others, others are slightly higher. The ladder is long, longer than the one I climbed with Chance, but it looks much the same, dilapidated and it creaks as it swings.

  I start toward the other entrance and up the slope, si
zing up the scaffoldings. They’ll still knock into each other if the balls don’t get in the way. Either way momentum is still going to be a problem. I’ll have to get as much distance in as possible for the ones that are higher, without being knocked senseless by the balls.

  There’s a reason Chance holds his body the way he does, I just have to do the same, and I have to keep moving.

  I sprint the last few meters and I leap into the air, stretching my arms wide, then I pull my legs in and I land, crouching. No hair falls into my face, my view is clear. I launch forward as the first scaffolding swings backwards. I have to jump sideways and I land too close to the bars. I scramble to the middle and crouch down, my fingers pressing into the metal platform. The wrecking ball swings past, the scaffolding swings backwards and I launch forward.

  The next one is to my left and lower, it’s easier. The next not, it’s higher. I wait for the ball to pass, and the scaffolding to start its momentum backwards before I dart forward. I push off the platform with everything in my legs. The few inches higher make a difference – a huge one. My shins slam into the edging and I lose my balance. I grab for the bars and pull myself up, determined not to fall. I scramble up and yank my legs out of the way right before the scaffoldings slam into each other.

  I breathe hard, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. I sit in the air on a swinging scaffolding, and then I hear it, a slow clap of hands.

  “You gotta do better than that,” Mom calls out from below. I pull myself up and watch her walk around the pathway. She’s also dressed in black. All her curves are gone, there’s only muscle now. “I’ll make you a deal,” she says and she starts to jog. My body tenses. “If I catch you I can give you the beating I should’ve given you when you were little.”

  “What?” I whimper. I was a good child. She told me so.