Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

by Michelle Horst

  I smile. I can hear his love for her shimmering through in his words.

  “It was between Roland, me and Craig. I knew what a bastard Craig was and Roland was still focused on Chance. I took her to keep her from Craig and I was hard on her to protect her from Roland. She hated me for it.” He laughs. “She said those exact words to me you did, ‘I hate you, Sam’ and I told the same back, that I never told her to love me and that’s when I realized I wanted her to, I wanted her to love me.” He sighs and it sounds miserable.

  “She’s changed a lot,” I whisper against his cheek.

  “She has.” We reach the gleaming blue boundary marker. “Take a deep breath, Kid, we’re going under.”

  I still want to say something. What if the dome cuts through the water! But Sam drags me under and I gulp a breath of air.

  ~*~

  Chapter Eighteen

  I now know that I hate the feeling of water closing over my head the most. Nothing can beat the feeling of the water trying to claw my lungs from my chest. When we come up on the other side of the boundary line, my lungs are on fire and I gasp for air.

  “You’re nails,” Sam gasps, “you’re digging my heart out, Kid. Let up some.”

  I ease up on the grip I have on his chest. We float a few more meters down the river before Sam takes us to the riverbank. It’s muddy and slippery. I keep sliding into the water until Sam grabs me around the neck and yanks me forward.

  “I knew I was going to miss your hair. Now I have nothing to grab you by,” he teases.

  “You wouldn’t dare.” I try to sound offended, but with the shivering it comes out sounding real wimpy. “We need to get dry. The guns, they’re full of water now.”

  “How many do you have?” Sam asks.

  “I think four. I just shoved in as many clips as I could.” Sam’s teeth reflect white under the light of the dome. It’s lighter on this side. These people have never really seen the darkness of the night.

  “And here I thought you were getting fat on me. In the meantime my girl is packing some guns.” He ruffles my hair and water spay everywhere. “The guns will work, wet or dry, but I see you won’t.” He looks around.

  In the distance the first lights of the Virtuous dwellings dots a straight line. A perfect line, not one light flickers.

  “We could go to my dad’s house,” I offer.

  “Yeah, right.” Sam is the total opposite of Dad. Sam is strong and hard. “Just imagine how that would go down.”

  “He won’t be home. He works most of the time. We need to get dry, Sam.” We stare at each other for a minute and I will him to say yes.

  “Minutes, Kid, we don’t stay longer than a few minutes,” he snaps at me, and starts off at a slow jog. I fall in next to him grinning. “Wipe the grin off your face. If you’re hoping to see him you better get rid of the hope now. He is the enemy, Kid.”

  “I know.” My grin fades. For a moment I did hope to see Dad. It was good of Sam to remind me otherwise.

  We reach Dad’s house and slip inside. We have to move in the dark so Mrs. Noah doesn’t notice any of the lights on. Our clothes aren’t dripping any more but I still get us robes so the clothes can dry a little more.

  “You can shower first, while I put the clothes in the dryer.” I nudge Sam towards the bathroom.

  “Kid, seriously! You have nothing I haven’t seen before.”

  My face grows hot, thinking about the initiation. He drags me into the bathroom and takes the robes from me. I stand frozen as he takes the bag off my back.

  “Your lips are blue. I’m cold. I don’t wanna be here a second longer than I have to.” He taps my cheek and I flinch. “Look at me, Kid” My eyes snap up. “I see you as nothing else than a little sister, a frozen one. As much as I love you, there’s none of that crazy crap happening so get out of the clothes and get your butt in the shower.”

  I nod and slip my sneakers off. I don’t look at Sam. I hear his clothes fall on the floor. I peel mine off but I keep my underwear on. There is no way I’m getting naked in the shower with him! I don’t care what he says.

  My eyes have a brain of their own. One that doesn’t have common sense, because the second Sam moves in under the water, I look at him. Relief washes over me, along with the warm water, when I see that he’s also wearing his underwear. I think I would’ve gone blind from shock.

  He pulls me to him and we stand for a while under the water, soaking up the heat.

  “Why did you do that, Sam? I trusted you,” I whisper.

  I press my cheek against his chest. I want to know what he was thinking. Why they do that to us.

  “Oh, Kid.” he sighs above my head. “You know I waited for you by the chickens, hoping you’d get over it and come. You’re more stubborn than Rachel.” He chuckles and his chest moves against my cheek. “Chance got to you before I could. If it makes it any better, I did it because I didn’t want someone else touching you. I did it to protect you. I did it for Rachel.”

  “I didn’t know,” I say. I clear my throat. It’s thick with emotion, because he cared so much for me then already. I wasn’t wrong about Sam, he is my friend.

  “Come on, you owe me coffee.”

  ~*~

  Sam inspects the guns in the light of my glofish tank. I bring our coffee over and follow his lead. We have six guns, altogether and a lot of clips. Sam looks pleased.

  “You did good, Kid. We’ll need all this. Throw the bag in the dryer.” He drinks the coffee quickly. “Get our clothes. We need to go.”

  I get dressed in my room. I keep the damp underwear on. There is no way I’m wearing anything Virtuous.

  I hear voices and freeze at the top of the stairs. Crouching down, I peek through the banisters.

  “She’s my daughter!” Mom! How did Mom get here so fast?

  “Did you expect me to just let her come by herself?” Sam hisses at her.

  “I expected you to stop her, Sam. She shouldn’t be here. If we could find you so easily, they will too!” she snaps back at him. She grabs his shirt and for a moment I think she’s going to hit him. Sam takes hold of her wrist and yanks her closer.

  “She has free will, Rachel. That’s something you have too. I will never stop someone from doing what they want to.”

  She lifts her chin the same way I do and shakes her head. There is something like physical pain on her face, but I can see Sam isn’t holding her that tight. Then my eyes widen as Mom lifts herself to him and presses her mouth against his.

  “Oh.” The word slips out. I shouldn’t be seeing this.

  I pull back and see a shadow move in the kitchen. I straighten up and clear my throat loudly, before going down the stairs, hoping they’ll hear me.

  I keep my eyes on the kitchen to give them time to see me. Roland stands with his back to me.

  “How did you get here so fast?” He must’ve heard me coming, because he doesn’t move a muscle at hearing my voice.

  “We have legs, too,” he growls at me. His eyes are super dark when he turns around. “Do you know how unpleasant it is to run with Rachel and Chance, and to listen to all the different ways they want to kill you? I should do it now and save them the trouble.” His eyes flick to somewhere behind me.

  Nails dig into my shoulder, and before I can bring my arm up, Mom slaps me across the cheek. I stagger back into the disposal unit. Before I can find my balance she grabs hold of my shoulders, yanking me up.

  “If you have a death wish just tell me,” Mom hisses. Her face is so close to mine I can see the tiny lines next to her eyes. They weren’t there before. “Tell me so I can kill you and put you out of your damn misery myself!”

  I shove her hard and she stumbles back. “This is what I didn’t want!” I’m too loud. I take a deep breath. “I’m doing all of this for you.” I look at them all. “Each of you.” I look at Roland. “Even you and I don’t like you that much. I don’t want to see any of you dead. You weren’t supposed to come! You were supposed to stay at the ward an
d let me do this.”

  “We work as a team,” Roland snaps at me. “We die as a team.”

  I have nothing to say to that and my mouth goes even dryer when Chance steps up behind Mom. He just looks at me.

  ~*~

  I can see Mrs. Noah’s gendog sleeping from my window, all curled up. I want to curl up like that and just sleep until all of this is over. I came to my room like a stubborn child because I couldn’t face them all at once, and now that I’m up here, I don’t know what to do.

  I can hear their voices, but not what they’re saying. I should go down but I don’t want to be lectured again. I just wish for once in my life someone would see me as an adult. I was doing what was best for them.

  The soft tap on my door makes me jump. “Yes.” It rushes from my mouth, like that day Dad came home after catching me at his work. I knew he was going to let me have it.

  Chance comes in and closes the door behind him. I move closer to the wall when he leans against the door and closes his eyes. His face looks grim.

  It’s quiet for a while and with every second that passes, my stomach tightens more. I fold my arms around me, to try and ease the awful tight feeling in my stomach.

  He rubs over his face, and then walks to the middle of the room. He still doesn’t look at me.

  “I’ve always wanted someone who would match me,” he starts. “I thought the person would have to be just as strong as me to keep up with me.” He looks out the window, and my heart sinks. This is where he tells me I’m not good enough. I’m too weak for him. “She wouldn’t know any fear.” He clears his throat.

  I swallow, but it doesn’t help, because the lump pushes through my throat and into my eyes. Tears spill hot over my cheeks. I cover my face so I don’t have to see him as he tells me I’m not what he wants. I wish I had more hands so I could cover my ears too.

  “But, with you doing this, just taking off and trying to save all of us, I realized differently. I don’t want that. I want someone who will depend on me, as much as I depend on them. I want someone to watch out for me the same way I will watch out for them. I want someone who is just as scared as I am. I want someone who loves me back, Jasper.” I hear him move and I hear his words but they aren’t sinking in fast enough.

  He takes hold of my hands and tugs at them until I let him pull them away from my face.

  “Look at me.” I glance up quickly before dropping my eyes to his neck. “I’m not fighting this war just to stay alive, Jasper. I’m fighting it so I can be with you and I’d like to believe that’s how you feel too.”

  I don’t know what to say. He wants someone that will love him back. Does that mean he loves me? I’ve never done this before and I don’t know what he wants to hear from me.

  “What do you want me to say?” I whisper to his neck, because I still can’t find the courage to look into his eyes.

  “I can’t tell you what to say, or what to feel,” he sounds sad and it tugs at my insides. My eyes jump to his and the hurt in his eyes remind me of when he lost Ethan. I suck at the thin air between us. “I can only tell you how I feel. I can only show you how I feel.” He looks away and out the window again.

  My hands feel cold as soon as he lets go off them.

  “I am scared to death,” he whispers. “I’m scared that I’ll have to wake up tomorrow and you won’t be there. I’m scared I won’t get to touch you again. I’m scared I won’t get to taste you again.” My cheeks flush and I press my hands against my chest to keep them from trembling.

  He takes a step closer, and his chest brushes against my arms. His breath warms my cheek and then he whispers, “I’m scared I’ll never get to kiss every part of your body and show you how much I love you.”

  I grab at his shirt, as his words spread through my bones and into my legs, making them numb.

  “I’m hoping you’re just as scared as me and that you want to feel those things too,” he keeps whispering.

  He leans closer and his breath warms my jaw, and all I can do is nod. I keep nodding until I manage to groan my reply, “I do.”

  He slips his arm around me and he pulls me to him. “No more running off without me,” he says, suddenly looking very serious.

  “Okay,” I agree.

  “We’re stronger together, Jasper,” he whispers, and then his eyes soften and drop to my mouth.

  “I just don’t want to lose you,” I admit to him.

  “You won’t. You’re all I have. Every beat of my heart is filled with love for you. I will fight to protect you. You are all that matters to me.”

  He hugs me tightly to him and I melt into the warmth of his arms and chest. “You’re my home, Chance. If this crushing feeling of warmth is love, then yes, I love you so very much. I’m cold without you. I’ll just be another Insensate without you.”

  We stand just holding each other. We don’t know when we’ll get a moment like this again. We don’t know if we’ll survive the night. All we know is that we have each other and that our love is worth fighting for. Our love is worth dying for, because without it there won’t be much of a life left to live.

  Everyone deserves the freedom to feel.

  The End