Fantasy of Frost

by Kelly St Clare

  Kedrick laughs, breaking the silence we have fallen into.

  “You let me go on and on about the females of our world. I’m remembering some of the things I said, and I can’t imagine how you were able to listen to them with a straight face.”

  “What was I supposed to say? I could not tell you my secret yet. I did not trust you then,” I say.

  He glares at me.

  I roll my eyes and shrug a shoulder. “I trust you now. Showing you my training should have told you that much. You are my friend now.”

  He flings the handful of dried dust and grass away. “Bloody friends,” he mutters.

  I whip my head around to him in some disbelief at what I just heard. What does he mean? It sounds as though he is not happy with being friends. Has he felt that way the whole time? The thought tears a little at my heart. I stand to get away, but Kedrick stands also, grabbing my elbow.

  “I would be more than your friend.” He steps up to me and grabs my other elbow, bringing me to face him. I place both hands on his chest to steady myself, speechless. He tilts my chin upwards, leans his head down and kisses me through the veil. The heat of his skin reaches mine. The veil moulds to my lips and I taste the salt of my sweat. The friction causes tingles to spread through my body all the way to my toes. “I love you,” he says, laying several kisses down the side of my neck before breathing deeply and stepping back.

  “I would also love to continue, but until you put your robes back on we’ll need to stop there. If I didn’t think Aquin would put a dagger in my back...” He trails off, eyes fixed on me, as though he could stare at me for days. My skin starts to warm under his intent gaze.

  I assess my cropped training top and linen trousers. I am sweaty and definitely not smelling like a wild flower. I cannot see the allure.

  “I could tell you were petite in your robes, but bloody hell,” he groans. “Let’s talk of something else.”

  My cheeks heat at his almost pained words. I’ve never had someone look at me the way he is right now. Maybe it is a Glacium custom. It hadn’t occurred to me to worry about what he may think. Mumbling a vague something, I leave him to get changed, thinking about our kiss the whole time.

  Chapter Seven

  Olandon tells me there have been whispers about the length of the Bruma delegation’s stay. Delegate parties often return home soon after their three month tour of the other world has been completed and final negotiations have been reached. I know the court whispers I am the reason. Kedrick and I continue to avoid each other in public and keep any talking at meals to a minimum. This does nothing to abate the whispers and I’ve wondered if our behaviour is actually having the opposite effect.

  I continue my training with Aquin, wishing Kedrick could join me again, but we cannot both be missing at once. It would be too obvious. Frustrated thoughts of how it could have been, hover over me like the ever present smoke. If only he hadn’t said those words.

  One day after a visit to the twins, Olandon requests my presence in his room.

  His room is very different from my own. Bright rugs and sculptures are draped and dotted around, taking away the bare feeling. He is always asking me why I do not decorate my room. I would always reply the emptiness was my preference. I did not tell him the room was just a room to me, it was not my room, just as this was not my home. The village was more of a home than the palace would ever be during mother’s rule. When I was younger, I spent years dreaming I lived at the orphanage instead of here.

  “You are not yourself,” Olandon starts to say as he places the objects he carries onto a desk.

  I don’t answer. It is the beautiful thing about the Solati avoidance of asking straight questions; it is easy to ignore them. He frowns and turns to me.

  “It’s the Prince,” he says.

  I shrug. I do not want to talk about Kedrick to my younger brother.

  “You are jeopardizing your credibility as the future Tatum for a man who will be gone in another few weeks.”

  I feel my eyes narrowing at his words. I cross my arms to hold my anger inside. But he doesn’t stop.

  “What has happened? Where is your focus? This Bruma has removed all your ambition. Osolis does not need half of you; it needs you as you were before. I have waited for you to come to your senses, but enough is enough.”

  Olandon has had enough. And so have I.

  My voice could nearly cut through the Kaur walls. “Do not suppose you know what goes on in my mind,” I say. “I’ve lost my focus?” I walk until I am nearly nose to nose with him. “I am always focused.” His eyes are wide, he has never seen me like this. “My plans are always in the front of my mind. All day. Repeating over and over like a chant, just so I can stay sane in this poisonous Tellio nest.” My veil is puffing outwards with my harsh breaths.

  “Lina,” Olandon starts. I cut him off before he can start. He knows nothing about what I am feeling.

  “When Kedrick arrived, I felt something so foreign to me, it took months to recognize it,” I say before turning my back and striding to the door. Most of me is furious with him. Furious because he knows me better than anyone, but in this moment does not seem to know me at all.

  The other part of me wishes he could see what I see; how twisted the court and my mother are, how the Bruma are not inferior - just different. “You may keep your judgments of my behaviour, brother. I will have these memories of what it feels like to be happy and to be loved by someone to carry me through my life.”

  I slam the door as I leave, angry at Olandon and angry at myself for already feeling guilty over my very rare loss of temper. My robes flick out from my legs, twisting between my ankles with my angry stride. I’m not being discreet enough, several of the court watch, their posture stilling as I pass.

  The form of Uncle Cassius taints the view of my windowsill when I reach my room. The timing could not be worse.

  “What do you want?” I say, teeth gritted.

  It is the first question I have ever dared to ask him. He stands and strides over to me, slapping me hard across the face.

  Red colours my vision, and it all becomes too much.

  My fist cuts under his chin and his head snaps back. I follow this with several jabs into his nose. He grabs his face and tries to turn away from me, his movements slow and lumbering. I aim blows to the areas I know will hurt the most; the kidneys, the face, the ribs and knees. Years of resentment and remembered pain are being channelled and unleashed through my fists. By the time I’m finished he is sobbing on the ground, pleading with me to stop.

  I lower myself, still fuelled with fury, and put my mouth close to his ear. “Every time you feel the pain of your beating today, I hope you are reminded of your transgressions. You can only blame yourself, and must remember that today the Tatuma has shown mercy,” I hiss the last word and straighten.

  “Get out,” I say and watch him scramble for the door, stooping with pain.

  I sit on the windowsill and take time to commit every detail of what just happened to memory. A wide, savage grin on my face, I relish the triumph of making Cassius a whimpering mess. I feel pride in my victory. I do these things now, because I know I’ll be in bed recovering for a month once my mother gets word of what just happened. This is by far the worst thing I’ve ever done.

  And it felt amazing.

  The firelight dies as smoke fills the sky, and I think of Kedrick and of Olandon, and the twins. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with my brother. It was too easy to fall into resentment because he was raised so differently than myself. I hoped he would forgive me for my harsh words. Though they had been honest, they had been stoked by my bitterness and disappointment of the distance between Kedrick and myself.

  I hear the rhythmic sound of marching footsteps down the hall. Standing up, I lock down my victory in the back of my mind.

  The Elite escort me down to the far tower where the Torture room lies. The whispers of the court follow me down the hall. I pass Blaine, the complaining sneering delega
te and see that he watches the show with interest.

  None of the court ask what is happening because they all know. I am not fool enough to think my beatings are a secret. The escort to my mother’s secluded torture room, followed by weeks without my presence in the dining ring or a limping walk for several days. Every person here knows what their ruler does to her child and not one of them has ever lifted a finger. Oddly, it’s the one thing I cannot blame them for. Society on Osolis is governed so completely by the Tatum and always has been. To question the person who holds this title is more than treason, its shame and dishonour on you and your family. The kind of which is never forgotten. I can’t be sure I would risk this if I was in their position.

  Dread fills the area under my ribs. One of the Elite shoves me forward. I stumble to a stop below the viewing balcony where mother is seated. Cassius is not present.

  “I have seen Cassius,” she starts, in a voice bereft of all warmth and humanity. I’ve never heard her use this particular tone before. It is so void of emotion, I almost step back. I cannot imagine what her expression would be, but her voice is pure evil.

  She examines her outstretched hand. “You can be assured I will be looking into how you were able to beat an experienced man of twice your size.”

  Fear shoots through me. I’ve put Aquin and Olandon at great risk. I hadn’t even thought of this. My mind darts around for some reasonable explanation, but nothing sounds convincing. I listen with half a mind as she continues her threats. I can’t let her hurt them.

  “I was quite happy to let you ruin your reputation by continuing your relationship with the Bruma savage. But beating my beloved brother. Your own Uncle. You are disgusting, less than an animal. Nearly less than a Bruma,” she pauses, drumming her fingers on her throne. The room is so quiet. Normally there is a shuffling from the Elite, a sword changing hands, a snigger. But everyone is still with the tension spreading from the Tatum.

  “Soon, I will let my guards beat you within an inch of your life. After this, you will be taken to the fifth, where you shall live for the remainder of your ungrateful life. You have lost the title of Tatuma. This will pass to Olandon. At least I know he will not make a mockery of the mantle. He can be trained.”

  My heart begins to thud in my ears as I process what she’s saying.

  I will never see Olandon, Aquin or the twins again. I will not be able to warn my brother of the danger to Aquin. What will happen to the matron or my orphans? How will they get enough food? My dreams - gone. I will never see Kedrick again.

  Mother’s hand is lifting to signal the guards. I can hear the creak of leather behind me as the Elite prepare to take a step forward.

  I’m desperate. I grasp at the only idea I have. Words blurt out from my mouth “Are there mirrors in the fifth?”

  I don’t need to see her face to know her answer. Her hands still, her whole body stiffens. I’ve struck a nerve.

  “What did you say?” she asks.

  “I asked if there were mirrors in the fifth,” I repeat. “I wanted to know because as soon as I get there I will be taking my veil off. Maybe even before.” The fact she has not realised how she currently looks with her hand hanging in the air shows how shocked she is. She is all about appearances.

  I keep pushing, I am grasping at straws. “What is to stop me lifting my veil and showing every person I meet there?” I say in a stronger voice, walking closer to the balcony, tilting my head back further so I can still monitor her reactions.

  She laughs. The sound is too high-pitched. Her face has not changed, but her nervous laugh has given her away. “It is your choice if you want to show your hideous face to everyone,” she says.

  “My choice? Why did you not tell me so? Here I have been thinking you had told me specifically that I had no choice. But if this is so, you will not mind if I...” I move my hand towards the end of the veil, which hangs down at the tip of each shoulder and across my collar bone at the front.

  She leaps up from her throne and rests on the balcony, her arms out to each side of her. “All mirrors in the fifth will be removed,” she hisses at me and lifts a hand again. I am dancing inside. She has confirmed her fear. If she had just sat still she would have won, there was no way I would have taken the veil off.

  Kedrick was right. The Tatum is more terrified of me removing my veil than I am of taking it off.

  “You could do that later, perhaps. It would not stop the damage I could do now. I have decided I am eager to have it off, especially in this heat.” I grip the coarse material, take a breath and lift it slightly.

  “Stop!” She shouts the word and then claps a hand over her mouth.

  I stand taller, as though I’m in my training clothes, and gather my thoughts. It’s not hard because I’ve dreamt of my victory over my mother so many times in the past.

  “It seems to me you don’t want me to remove my veil, Tatum. And though I would dearly love to do it anyway. I am willing to negotiate because you are my mother and I care deeply for you.” I grin as she narrows her eyes.

  “Let me tell you what is going to happen,” I say, pacing slowly in front of her.

  “I will not be beaten today or ever again. I will not be confined to the fifth and your control over me vanishes from this moment forth. I will remain the Tatuma. It is not within your power to take this away from me, anyway. I will not be locked away in the tower.” I pause and see her posture has stiffened, but she has resumed her clutching of the balcony edge. Still terrified. Furious, but terrified.

  “If you do not comply with these…let us call them, requests, I will reveal my face in front of the court, or the villagers, or to whomever I am with at the time.” My voice does not waver.

  “I only care because I do not want you to know how disgusting your truly are,” she says in a sad voice. “It would not affect me in the slightest, apart from a mother feeling the hurt and embarrassment of one of her children.

  “You really should not tell such horrible lies, mother.” I reach up to the material once more, and this time I move it up, exposing my throat, my chin. My mouth dries, but I push my own fear to the side. I lift it up and expose my bottom lip and then begin to twist on the spot towards the Elite.

  “Okay!” The word is screamed. It echoes around the circular room. She is shaking so much, I can see it from here. Her hands are balled into fists. She is so rattled, she has not thought to use the guards to subdue me. Yet.

  I drop the veil and it swings into its usual place. I bow to her with flare and stride to the doorway. The guard who last beat me, Rian, is there and he moves to the side to let me out. I let go of my breath and thank him silently. I am an excellent fighter, but taking on all of the Elite guards would be impossible.

  Chapter Eight

  It felt like I was constantly holding my breath over the next week. I awaited my mother’s next move. I knew she would try to regain control in some way. Her revenge was merely delayed. But as long as I protected Aquin, Olandon and Kedrick, she could not hurt me.

  If you hadn’t been in the Torture room, nothing would have appeared any different. I’m careful with the food, only eating apples and checking them for any sign they have been tampered with. There have been instances where the members of the court have been poisoned with Tellio venom.

  I don’t worry about her poisoning Kedrick. If he died here, it would mean war.

  Aquin and Olandon both knew to be on their guard, I’d told them about Cassius and my ultimatum with mother. Olandon had been joyous at the news. Aquin’s reaction had been more like my own - wary and expectant. What had happened between my brother and I was forgotten. He was too excited at my stand to be angry with me. He had commented it was time things changed. When I had prompted him to explain the comment he had closed the conversation and told me we would talk of it once the delegates were gone. Maybe he did not trust me to keep it from Kedrick.

  I was more cautious than ever when going to my training sessions. Guilt at having potentially put Aqui
n in danger, hung heavy in my stomach. But when I had suggested we stop the trainings, he’d told me to shut up and get on with it. He later explained he was too old to care, he’d always known it was a risk.

  I’d just begun training for the day. I look up after a series of kicks to see Kedrick leaning against the door frame. I fumble my footing at the sight of him, but catch myself in time. What is he doing here? Aquin does not let him talk. He puts us through a gruelling series of exercises and my arms and stomach are burning by the end of it. My veil is soaked. I hate this time of revolution.

  Afterwards, Kedrick and I lay out under a Kaur tree on the dry and cracked ground. His training tunic is off and I’m distracted beyond reason at the sight of his chest. Is this the kind of fascination he has with my body? I had given Kedrick a highly edited version of what happened with my mother. I didn’t want to pit him against her more than I already had. It would affect the relations between our worlds.

  “I can feel you watching me,” he murmurs. He lifts his arm up and looks at me. Horror at being caught floods through me. I whip my head towards the Kaur forest. He chuckles.

  “I was beginning to wonder if you found me attractive at all. It’s so hard to tell what you’re thinking,” he says as he reaches up to tug on my veil.

  I pull away and do not answer, looking around for something to distract me, but the wildflowers are all gone, dried by the crushing heat. I always worry about Aquin out here in the middle of the forest with all the fires. Every year and a half when I expressed these concerns he would proceed to have Olandon and myself clear debris a hundred metres into the forest in a full circle around the grounds. This always made me feel better and I had no qualms bringing it up every time we neared the third, much to Olandon’s disgust.