5 Hosta La Vista, Baby!

by Gale Borger

  Spaz laughed. "No one should have to spend one day in your neighborhood."

  Shroom put his fists on his hips. "And how would you kno–"

  Spaz crooked a brow.

  Shroom backed off. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Well, then you know what I mean."

  Big Mike cleared his throat. "Can we get back to the subject?"

  Bean piped up. "What's the subject?"

  Spaz leaned over Bean and took his face in her hands. She spoke slowly into his face. "Ryan. You are on drugs. Just shut up and listen, okay?"

  Bean's brain was getting fuzzy. He struggled to keep his eyes open. "You sure are purty when yer all fired up, Missy."

  "Huh?"

  Bean faded into sleep. "Line from an old John Wayne movie."

  "Oh, okay. Go to sleep. We'll catch you in the morning." She kissed him on the forehead and smiled.

  When she straightened everyone in the room was staring at her. "What? I saw his mom do that and it made him sleep."

  "Right."

  "Uh huh."

  "Hoooh-kay."

  Big Mike cleared his throat again. "Well, as I was saying, we have the flower show at the end of the week. What you might not know is Sylvia Hunnicut plays a big role in the show. She's the emcee for the queen contest. The Hunnicut family donated a lot of money for trophies, and she enters her own roses, which means our boy Franklin won't be far behind."

  Shroom sighed. "Roses. Makes me think of that dead chick Rose Phillips. How do those people sleep at night?"

  Pone shook his head. "Probably with heavy doses of drugs."

  Cash snorted. "Or in her case, booze."

  Big Mike broke in, "Come on, guys, are you in this with me or not?"

  They all nodded. Big Mike pulled out his little notebook. "Good, because here's how I see it. The department is providing security, but I need you guys to work it from the inside." He handed the list to Pone. "Here, Mike. Give everyone their assignments. Eve, I need to speak with you over here."

  He led her to the other side of the room and she followed. "Eve, what I need from you is pretty dangerous, but I think we have security enough to keep you safe. Take a breath because you're probably not going to like it. You're going to be a Hosta Queen contestant."

  Spaz sucked in a breath. "Now you wait just a darn minute, Mr. Williams. You are not going to get me in a bikini–"

  "Hold on, hold on! No bikini, Eve. I swear. No bikini. Just a floor length gown, dress casual, and clothes for your gardening demo. No bikini, I swear."

  "My what?"

  Mike shuffle. "Uh, your flower demonstration. Everyone does one–it takes the place of the talent contest."

  Spaz thought a minute. "The demo will be the easiest part of this whole thing. What about the dresses, the walking part, I can't afford–"

  "Whoa girl, slow down a minute. That will all be taken care of by your sponsors."

  "What sponsors?"

  "Your sponsors. You don't have to pay for anything. You'll have hairdressers, makeup artists, people who will take care of you from head to toe." Mike looked at his watch. "As a matter of fact, we're due for a fitting in about eight hours, so let's get going."

  "Whaaaht? Hold on a minute! I need to sleep on this. Like for a year or two. I call you in the morning."

  Spaz bolted for the door. She disappeared into the hallway. There was a scuffle in the hall and the door swung open. Big Mike smiled as Spaz was propelled through the door backward, feet pedaling in mid-air, with Pone holding her off the ground under one arm, and Cash under the other.

  Spaz was spitting mad and whispering so loud she might as well have been yelling.

  "Put me down, you big mooses!"

  Pone smiled. "Doesn't she mean meeces?"

  Cash looked over her head. And winked. "No, I think mooses covers both. What do you think, Detective Williams? Is it mooses or meece–ow!" He dropped Spaz's arm and danced away. "Watch that, Spaz! I might want children someday!"

  "Touch me again, big boy and I'll see that you don't." She whipped her head toward Pone. He smiled. Holding both hands over his zipper, he backed away. Spaz jabbed a finger in his face. "That goes for you too, Mr. Smartass."

  "Anything you say, Queen of the Right Hook. Don't mind me, I'm just keepin' the family jewels intact, Miss Evie, Hosta Queen of 2012."

  Spaz covered her ears. "Just shut up–both of you. I gotta think."

  Big Mike wandered over. "It's all set. No one will suspect a thing. We have local businesses covering you. The Fraternal Order of Police will be your escort, so we have an excuse to be involved in the pageant. That's how I know we can protect you. We still need someone your age to be your date for the final walk down and the dinner, however." Big Mike stared down Pone and Cash.

  Cash spoke first. "Much as I'd love to put my nuts on the chopping block, I am already signed up to escort Val Hunnicut, remember?"

  Spaz nodded. She looked around for Shroom. "Hmmm, must have stepped out. He's too short anyway. She looked up at Pone, who was looking anywhere but at Spaz. She smiled. "And I don't want Pone."

  Pone straightened. "Why not me, because I'm black?"

  "No, you idiot, because you have maturity issues and I'd bet you have no idea how to act at a formal function. Tell me you do, and we'll do it."

  Pone looked at his dad. "Naw, I guess not."

  Spaz sighed. "Then I guess I'm stuck with Bean."

  They all stared at her. "Bean!"

  She put her nose in the air. "Yeah, Bean. He's brilliant, he's got manners, and the girl at the information desk thinks he's hot."

  Pone thought a minute. "I guess he's not totally fugly, but he's on drugs, man."

  "Naw, he's passable I guess. Besides, betcha he's got his own tux."

  "No way, man. No one owns their own tux."

  "He won all those national brain-child awards and he's been to big fancy banquets. I don't know much, but I know his mom will help. His IV comes out," she checked her watch. It was after midnight. "Today. He hopefully goes home tomorrow. We can make plans then. He won't have to do much but walk with me. Maybe he can take some non-narcs so he's not totally zonked."

  She turned to the others. They all stood staring like she looked like an alien. "What's up with you morons–not you, Mr. Williams–do I have a booger hanging or something? You're all staring at me like mouth breathers."

  Pone cleared his throat. "I uh, just never heard you say more than a couple words at a time, that's all."

  Spaz yanked her hair back into a ponytail. "You ain't seen nothin' yet. I'm gonna Hang out here with Bean and catch you guys later this morning. We can meet at the greenhouse. We have to finish those centerpieces for the flower show banquet before noon."

  Shroom wiped his nose on his sleeve. "Hey, who died and left you in charge, man? We have to help with the park since Cash lost the garden hoe out of his caddy. You gonna pick up the slack Miss Royal Hosta Queen of the World?"

  Cash popped him on the back of the head. "We are going to have to pick up her slack, Shroom. Look at those finger nails. She's got to get the whole spa treatment, so shut your pie hole and let's meet at the greenhouse around ten this morning like she said."

  Cash turned and headed down the hall. "Don't be too long, guys. Remember, I got the only vehicle." Pone and Shroom looked at each other and ran down the hall after Cash.

  Big Mike called to Pone, "I'll see Evie back. We're going to check on Ryan." Pone waved over his shoulder and jumped onto the elevator. Spaz watched the door close and sighed. They turned back to Bean's room. "So what do you want me to do in this pageant thing?"

  Mike chuckled and patted her on the shoulder. "That's my girl. Well, the first thing we have to do is see about those nails . . ."

  Chapter 3

  "Oh my God, I'm like, totally psyched. I am going to kick some rich chick butt!" After the nails, Spaz had been ported and polished to within an inch of her life. She'd been sprayed, teased, and highlighted until her hair gleamed. Her teeth were bleached and her smile
sparkled. She stared at herself in the full-length mirror on her bedroom door.

  "I'm a bald dog, Ollie. I swear they waxed off every hair below my eyebrows." She admired her nails. "And look at those babies! What a work of art!"

  Ollie grinned from her place on Spaz's bed. "You are . . . what do they call it? Bitchin' hot, Evie. You went from pretty girl to stunning young woman in one afternoon."

  "Yeah, I got to agree, but, Ollie, you're spending way too much money on me."

  Ollie stood behind Spaz and squeezed her shoulders. "Eve, I am so proud to be your sponsor for the pageant. The money is nothing. I can afford whatever it takes."

  Spaz frowned. "I know you say that, but this is all so fake."

  Ollie spun her around. She took Spaz's hands and looked her dead in the eye. "Nothing here is fake. You are entered. Where you end up in the standings is up to you. You are real. The contest is real. The murderer is real. You are trying to save a life—maybe more than one. It might even be your own—who knows?" Ollie led Spaz to the bed and sat her down. "Never lose focus, Evie. You are in danger. I want you to have fun with this, but be very careful."

  Spaz rolled her eyes. "Really? Really. I grew up on the streets, Ollie. I can smell trouble coming down the block. I'll be okay. Mr. Williams has cops posted all over the place. There's even one in the contest. She's supposed to get caught drinking or fooling around and put on probation, or kicked out to lure the murderer her way. I met her. She's cool." Spaz stood. "So you see? I'm as safe as they can make me. It's all good, so stop worrying."

  Ollie walked to the door. "I wish I could get that part through my head." She brightened. "At least one thing good came out of it. You are off greenhouse duty until after the contest."

  Spaz looked startled. "Why do you say that?"

  Ollie grinned. "You might break a nail."

  Spaz laughed. "The guys are going to hate me."

  "Why not take a stroll down to the greenhouse right now? They'll take one look at you and drool in the petunias."

  Spaz laughed. "Right. I'm still the same old Spaz. I just have new froo-froo."

  Ollie laughed and started down the hall. "I'm telling you what, little girl. That froo-froo has got some real woo-woo. You'll see."

  Spaz closed the door and looked into the mirror. "Woo-woo my butt. Those guys are going to be so pee-ahsed at me." She thought a moment and grinned large. What the heck? "Yeah baby. Let's do this!" She grabbed the sequined mini skirt and tugged it on.

  * * *

  "So where the heck is she?" Pone stuffed a lily inside a hosta leaf and passed it to Shroom.

  "Don't know. Maybe they decided she was a lost cause. She probably kicked the crap out of the gay guy doin' her hair."

  Pone sighed. "Really? What makes you think a gay guy did her hair, Shroom? Why do you have to get all racial on everyone? It might have been a straight guy, or a girl doing her hair. Geez, back off on the profiling, dude."

  Shroom stuffed another lily into a hosta leaf and shoved it at Pone. "Maybe they can't find a girl under all that Spaz. Maybe she's dog-butt ugly or something. You know, I never really noticed if she was a barker or not."

  "She's not a dog, you moron. Under all that anger and weird hair is a hot chick."

  They both looked at Cash. He looked up from the ribbon he held. "What? You mean you guys never looked at her? I mean really looked? Hah! Talk about lame."

  Shroom put a lily behind his ear. "Are we talking about the same Spaz? Our Spaz? Right. I can see her now." He turned and put a pinkie finger in the air. With the other hand on his hip, he sashayed down the aisle, swinging his hips back and forth. In a high voice he said, "Yup, it's me, the beauty queen, Spaz Daniels, here to kick ass and take names."

  He turned and grabbed a row cover from the bench. He tied it at his waist like a skirt. The light material fluttered in the breeze from the fans. "You got it, sports fans. Don't mess with me, 'cuz I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee-ach!"

  Pone and Cash fell over themselves laughing. A voice from the door froze them in their tracks. "Are you boyz talking about anyone I know?"

  They turned as one and Spaz felt a tingle of pleasure as she watched each mouth drop open. The testosterone levels in the greenhouse shot sky high. Each boy could only stare. Spaz struck a pose in the doorway. Arm high over her head, butt stuck out one way and chest the other, she looked like every teenaged boy's wet dream.

  Spaz watched their gazes start at her head and work their way slowly down past her chest. They took in her tight little sequined skirt and slid like hot fudge over her long, long legs.

  Stillness filled the greenhouse. Only the drone of the fans kept it from total silence.

  Spaz smiled a slow sexy smile and Shroom began to sweat. He yanked off the row cover and threw the lily on the bench. "Sp–Spa–holy crap. That is you."

  Pone let out a long breath. "Wow."

  Cash smiled and stepped forward. He held out his hand. Spaz laid her fingers on his. He turned her hand and raised it to his lips. "My dear, Eve. You enchant me. You mystify as you charm. He gently kissed the back of her hand and whispered, "You're even more beautiful than I expected. And I expected waaay beautiful. Knock 'em dead, Evie."

  She stood, eyes round and mouth open. Noise from Shroom startled her back to reality. She smiled at Cash and winked. "Wish you were on my arm now, don't you, rich boy?"

  He smiled and raised her hand high. "You bet I do. You go, girl." He spun her around.

  They laughed again and she turned to the other two. Pone came out of it first. "Wow." He wiped his grubby hands on his jeans. "I mean, oh my God, wow. You look fantastic. We were just talking before you came in and Shroom said–m–oof!"

  "Shroom said moof?"

  Pone rubbed his side and Shroom pulled his elbow back. He smiled. "The Shroom said you be one fine mamacita, and uh, well, you know . . ."

  Spaz narrowed her eyes. "No, I don't know. What were you saying before I came in?"

  The creaking of the door behind her made her turn. Bean said, "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

  Tears sprang to her eyes. "Bean! You're home. What happened to tomorrow? How come they let you out? Are you still on drugs?" She gently folded him into a hug.

  Shroom came forward. "Do they know you busted out yet?" He looked over Bean's shoulder. He squeezed past and looked out the door. Edging over to the window, he hopped up on the bench and looked out the window. The others watched and realized Shroom thought Bean escaped the hospital and the cops might be looking for him.

  Pone said out of the side of his mouth, "Look at that guy. What kind of criminal is he? He looks as innocent as I did when I backed out of a car holding a GPS and ran right into a cop."

  Shroom stuffed his hands in his low-slung jeans and slid next to Bean. He looked both ways. He spoke in hushed tones. "How'd you break out, man? Do we like, have to hide you or something?"

  "Naw, I just–"

  Pone grabbed one of the hands Bean had on Spaz. He held Bean by the wrist. He slapped their fingers together and bumped knuckles. "Yo, Bean Brain. Lookin' good, man. Good thing they got that wig cut off your head."

  "Yeah." Bean rubbed his short hair. "Thanks, Pone. The worst part was getting the Super Glue out."

  Bean looked across the room. Cash smiled and folded his arms across his chest. Bean grinned and raised one eyebrow. He raised a thumb and Cash nodded and winked.

  Ollie plowed through the door, followed by Maureen O'Sullivan. Spaz sniffed and pulled away from Bean. She was immediately hugged by both women. Spaz stood stiff as a board, eyes bugged out and holding her breath. Maureen backed off and smiled. "Get used to being hugged, Evie, that's what we do."

  Ollie took her hand and smiled. "Oh, Evie is much better about the hug thing than she used to be."

  Bean rubbed his chin, remembering back to the first time he got excited and hugged Spaz. "I'll say. She decked the crap outta me the first time I tried it."

  Maureen smiled. "Mayb
e if you didn't grab people like a herd of stampeding buffalo, you wouldn't startle them into hitting you, Ryan."

  Bean looked at Spaz. She stuck her tongue out at him. "Listen to your mother, Bean-brain."

  Maureen tilted Spaz's chin this way and that. "Now let's have a look at you." She turned Spaz slowly. "Lovely, just lovely," she said softly.

  Spaz flushed darker. Everyone talked at once. Spaz got tired of the noise and stepped outside the greenhouse. She breathed in the fresh air. Staring at the rose trellis, she thought about her friends. "Hmmm."

  "Hmmm what?"

  Startled, she turned to see Bean standing behind her.

  "Hah. Lucky for you I didn't deck you again. Seriously, I was just thinking. I called that pack of children raised by wolves in the greenhouse, friends."

  "In Shroom's case, you're probably not far off. While his mom was working, the local gang members raised him."

  Spaz snorted. "It shows. He's doing much better though." She shifted and turned to Bean. "Do you really think we can pull off this hosta and flower show thing?"

  He shrugged. "I don't see why not. I'll work with you on banquet manners, and my mom will take care of the girlie stuff. The prelim starts tomorrow. He gave her arm a squeeze. You'll do fine."

  She elbowed his good side. "Hah! I'll suck and you know it."

  He began to protest and she stopped him. "Bean, don't worry. I'll give it my best shot, but I'm not in it to win, just to catch a crook."

  Bean smiled slowly. "We'll see, Evie, we'll see. And I'll be here to say 'I told you so'."

  Chapter 4

  Spaz charged through the stage door breathing hard. Bean's mom rushed to take her bags. "Eve, are you all right?"

  "Yeah," she puffed. Swallowing hard, she swiped the hair out of her eyes. "But it was the darndest thing. I was crossing at the light and a car flew around the corner. It missed me by an inch, but ran into another car. It looked kind—of like Val Hunnicut's car. You know, little, sporty, perfect, white–just like her?"