Into Shadow

by T. D. Shields

  I had waited here several times myself, but this was the first time since my ill-fated first patrol that I’d been the one they were waiting for. As my team members moved past me to head out the door, most gave me a friendly thump on the back or an acknowledging nod. Len ruffled my hair; Gabe gave me a fist bump that stung my knuckles; Nathan dropped a brotherly kiss on the top of my head. Marcii simply stayed in her chair against the far wall, arms stubbornly crossed to indicate that she wouldn’t be leaving until she heard the whole story.

  Sharra and Lucas were standing near the map wall. They had probably been reviewing my assigned patrol route and trying to decide where to send teams to look for me. Sharra looked relieved to see me. Lucas just looked ticked off.

  “Where have you been?” he rumbled. “We’ve been here for hours imagining the worst. We were just about to send people out searching for you, because after this long we figured you must be badly injured or dead; and here you come strolling in without a scratch on you. So help me, if you’re late because you were off playing kissy-face with your buddy Rivers…” He trailed off, at a loss for words but making up for the lack with a vicious glare.

  I was tired and grubby and in no mood for this. His unreasonable anger ignited my own temper. “Sorry to disappoint you by returning uninjured, jerkwad,” I said acidly. “Next time I get treed by a pack of freaking Shadows, I’ll just go ahead and stroll through the middle of the group. ‘Bite away,’ I’ll tell them. ‘Lucas likes it better when I have an injury to show that I have a good reason for being late.’”

  I turned away in righteous annoyance even as I saw the anger leave his face to be replaced by concern and regret. I refused to look at him and acknowledge the apology forming on his lips. Instead, I focused on Sharra and gave her my report. “Made my rounds down 19th to Park and through the old apartments along there and saw nothing out of the ordinary. Saw Rivers briefly,” I shot a venomous glare of my own in Lucas’ direction as I emphasized the brevity of my conversation with Rivers, “by the old ballpark. No kissy-face was involved. He said his patrols have spotted signs of a big cat in the area, so you’ll want to have people watch for that. Then I checked out Benedict Park and played a long game of chicken with a pack of Shadows. Four adults and a puppy. I stuck it out, and they eventually gave up and left; then I high-tailed it back to base. Sorry that I don’t have any dramatic injuries to make it a better story.”

  I bit off the last sentence with barely contained anger. How dare Lucas accuse me of being derelict in my patrol duties? I had never done anything to earn such an accusation; I was a dedicated guard and always had the pack’s best interests in mind. I was tired of Lucas running hot and cold on me. The night that he’d saved me from Mateo he had cradled me close and whispered, ‘You just got here; I don’t want to lose you already.’ I had run those words through my mind over and over trying to decide what he had meant. Was it a romantic declaration? Or were they just the words of a leader who didn’t want to lose a new addition to his pack? Could he possibly feel the same attraction I felt? Or did he only feel responsible for me?

  Every time I convinced myself that he was simply looking out for me as he did for everyone else in the pack, he would suddenly show up at my usual table and sit with me for a meal. My heart would pound with reaction to his fresh, spicy scent and the feel of his leg pressed against mine as he sat close to me at the table and leaned near to hold a quiet conversation. And then he would leave; and the next time I saw him he would be cool and distant with no sign of personal interest at all – you know, until the next time I bumped into him in a quiet hallway and he chatted genially and gently smoothed a loose strand of hair from my face with a touch of his large hand. Then he’d leave me without another word and ignore me at the next full briefing in the guard room.

  Well I had had enough. I was done with his games or uncertainty or whatever his issues were. I turned my back on him completely to talk only to Sharra and Marcii.

  “The pack headed into Benedict Park; they were running toward Park Avenue. We should get word to the hunters that they need to go looking and spread the word to the other packs to be careful.”

  “I’m on it,” Marcii said, getting to her feet. “I’ll go tell Mac to get a hunting party together and get the word going out to the patrols.”

  “Thanks,” Sharra told her. “Let everyone know that we’re running no single patrols until we track down the pack. And everyone should go armed.” Marcii nodded and slipped out the door.

  I focused on Sharra now, studiously ignoring Lucas looming at my back. “That’s it. I’m going to hit the showers and go to bed.”

  “Go for it,” Sharra agreed. Being a good friend, she ignored Lucas as well as she gave me a quick hug. “Glad you made it back safely.”

  I headed for the door, determined to pay no attention to Lucas. But I could hear him following me out of the room, and with every step I thought about the injustice of his accusation, causing my anger to grow stronger and stronger. As I stepped into the hallway my temper got away from me, and I whirled back to face Lucas who was standing just behind me.

  “And you! You just stay away from me until you’re able to stop being such an ass! I am done with this nonsense, got it? You need to make up your mind. If you want me to be a girlfriend, then you treat me that way – and treat me right. And if you want to keep it all professional and treat me as a guard, then do that; but don’t you dare treat me any differently from any other guard. If you want to have a relationship, I’m interested. If not, fine. I won’t chase you. But I will not put up with you being sweet and flirty one day and ignoring me or being a jerk the next. Either way, make a choice, do you hear me?”

  “Oh, I think we all heard you,” drawled Nathan. I looked past Lucas to see a group of guards loitering in the hallway, probably waiting to grill me for details about my late return. Without hesitation, I stomped over to the group of watching guards and buried my fist in Nathan’s stomach, making him double over and gasp for air as I stalked away, and leaving Lucas staring after me with his mouth gaping in astonishment.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  After a shower and a solid six hours of sleep, I was sitting on my bed gloomily contemplating my temper tantrum and wondering how long I could stay in my room and avoid the entire pack. Could I possibly stay here long enough for them to forget about my outburst?

  I heard a knock at my door and ignored it, hoping whoever it was would assume I was not here and just go away. Instead, the doorknob turned and Sharra walked in. Embarrassment tugged at my gut, and I might have tried to send her away if she hadn’t come prepared with a platter bearing a huge sandwich and pile of chunky cookies. My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten since setting out on patrol nearly eighteen hours earlier. Sharra smiled at me and wiggled the platter invitingly.

  “I have food,” she sing-songed. “You know you want it.”

  “Oh fine,” I grumbled. “Come in and shut the door.”

  Sharra bumped the door closed with her hip and set the food on the little desk by my window before dropping onto my bed. She made herself comfortable against the headboard while I tucked into the sandwich. “So,” she said with a wide grin, “That was fun.”

  I rolled my eyes at her, knowing exactly what she was referring to. “Sure,” I agreed dryly. “Fun for all of you spectators. I’m not feeling the fun right now. I may never leave this room again.”

  Sharra laughed. “Oh come on. It’s not that bad. And he had it coming. He’s been blowing hot and cold for months.”

  “Yeah, but I hadn’t planned on having it out in such a public setting. I was tired and on edge and when he started throwing accusations at me, I just lost it.”

  “He was really worried about you,” Sharra told me. “He’d been wearing a path in the carpet with his pacing while we waited for you. And then when you walked in looking like you’d only lost track of time … You know you have a total poker face. He couldn’t tell how freaked you were.”
<
br />   “Glad to know I hid it from most people … even if I didn’t manage to hide it from you.”

  “I know you too well,” Sharra said smugly. She stole one of the cookies from my tray and bit into it. “So don’t you want to know what he said after you left?” she mumbled with her mouth full.

  My own mouth was full of sandwich, so I only waved at her to continue.

  “Nothing,” she told me. “Not a single word. He just stood there with this blank look on his face like he had no idea what he was supposed to do next.” She shook her head. “The man is so smart when it comes to governing our little group here and keeping everything running smoothly, but he’s just as clueless as any other guy when it comes to relationships. It’s just sad.”

  I sighed. “I know we’ve gone through this over and over again; but really, it seems likely that he hasn’t made a move – or responded to any of mine – because he’s just not that interested.”

  “And as I tell you every time we’ve discussed this, he doesn’t act like a man who isn’t interested. He acts like a man who doesn’t WANT to be interested for some reason. But he’s definitely into you.”

  “You know what, I’m not going to obsess over it anymore. I am not going to sit here and fixate on what he said and what it meant. I’m just putting the whole thing out of my mind and moving on.”

  “Yeah, because that worked so well the last time you decided to do that. You rebounded right onto Rivers until you both got that crush out of your systems.”

  I moaned and put my head down on the desktop. She was right; that’s exactly what had happened. “I’m a mess,” I mumbled. “I’m swearing off men completely.”

  My pity party was interrupted by another knock on the door and a deep voice called, “It’s Lucas.”

  Sharra jumped up from the bed with a wicked grin. “Marvi. Come find me later and let me know where you stand with that whole swearing off men thing. If you decide to stick with it, I know a couple of nice girls I can set you up with.”

  She dodged agilely as I threw the last cookie at her and even managed to snatch the flying snack from the air before opening the door to Lucas. She avoided talking to him by stuffing the cookie into her mouth and disappeared down the hall as he stepped inside. I didn’t bother to get up from the desk. He didn’t wait for an invitation but strolled across the room to lean against the wall next to the bed. I felt awkward sitting on the bed while he was standing, so I got to my feet as well. We stood in awkward silence for a couple of minutes before he spoke.

  “You’re right,” he said abruptly. “I have been blowing hot and cold.”

  I nodded slowly. “So the question is, why?”

  He rubbed a big hand across the back of his neck. “Cha, I don’t even know. I’m just not good at this kind of thing. You know, emotions and stuff. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m almost twenty-five years old, and I’ve never been in any kind of a relationship. I’ve never even kissed a girl. So the first time I fall for a girl I go for the freaking First Lady? You’re so far out of my league that it’s ridiculous. I keep going back and forth between thinking I might have a chance and deciding that you couldn’t possibly see anything in me. I get distracted from pack business because I’m thinking about this. But then I get mad at myself for neglecting what I should be doing. So I avoid you for a while until I can’t stand it anymore and go looking for you again. And then there’s the whole thing with Rivers. I don’t know where I stand with you and where he stands with you and whether all my wondering is just a moot point anyway because you want to be with him. So tonight, when I thought you were late because you were hanging out with Rivers…” He stopped abruptly, his cheeks darkening with embarrassment at his own rambling as he folded his arms defensively across his wide chest.

  I stepped forward and placed one hand on his crossed arms. I looked up into his eyes and called forth every bit of courage I could muster. “I’ve never been in a relationship either,” I told him. “The thing with Rivers, it’s nothing. We’re just friends. But, I’d like to try a relationship … with you.”

  I stood on tiptoe, stretching as tall as I could to reach Lucas’ lips with my own. His arms immediately closed around me and he kissed me back, his lips gently moving against mine. And this time the kiss was everything I thought a kiss should be.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  My life in Liberty pack continued largely unchanged by my new relationship with Lucas. Since romance was new to both of us, we were taking things slowly and carefully. The rest of the pack took things in stride. We both got our share of teasing, especially from the guards, but nothing we couldn’t handle. I continued working as a guard, and Lucas was always busy with his responsibilities as pack leader, but we spent as much time together as we could outside of our pack duties.

  Marcii, Sharra, Lucas, and I liked to hang out in the guard room in the evenings. Marcii and I usually stretched out on the couches while Lucas and Sharra worked on paperwork or schedules at the table. Roomie had become almost domesticated these days. Though he was still fierce and threatening to those he didn’t know, once you made his list of approved humans he was willing to sit with you and be petted. He acted as if he was doing you a favor by permitting such affection, but sometimes he forgot his dignity enough to show his enjoyment of the stroking by purring loudly. Marcii was one of his favorite humans and he generally divided his time between her lap and mine.

  Tonight, Lucas was caught up on his tasks, so he sat at the other end of my couch. I promptly plopped my feet in his lap, angling for a foot rub. I was just back from a long patrol and my feet were sore. Lucas obliged, massaging my feet with his large, strong hands. The firm pressure of his thumbs rubbing my aching insteps felt heavenly, and I was so relaxed that my eyelids were getting heavy. To distract myself from just falling asleep there in the guardroom, I decided it was time to ask about something I’d been wondering for a while now.

  “You know, I’ve been here for almost a year, and I have to admit I still don’t completely get it. I mean, you’ve built amazing things with the resources at hand, but why do you do it? Who are you guys? And what exactly are you all doing here? Why have you decided that it’s better to live in the crumbling remains of an old city instead of taking advantages of all the modern conveniences in one of the cities that’s been rebuilt? I mean, in my current situation I’m obviously glad that you are here so I had someplace to run. But in the bigger picture, there are all kinds of social programs that would help you get settled into a new city so you wouldn’t have to live in a bombed out, abandoned hotel.”

  “Sure,” Lucas drawled. “All kinds of social programs would be more than glad to help us out. Just as long as we’re willing to turn over control of our entire lives to the government.”

  “That’s just conspiracy theorist nonsense.” I responded firmly. “The government isn’t ‘running’ anyone’s life! The government exists to take care of and protect the populace, and for some reason you lot twist that to make the government into some kind of evil overlord. It’s ridiculous.”

  “So the government doesn’t decide what your career should be, then?”

  “No! Not the way you’re making it sound. You simply take a series of aptitude and psychological tests during high school. The data centers use the test data and correlate it to a list of careers that will be in demand at the time that you finish your schooling, and you can choose any of the career tracks on your list; then the rest of your schooling can follow an appropriate path to prepare you for that career. It’s simply a way to ensure that everyone can be gainfully employed and that society has all the necessary services taken care of.”

  “Hmmm. Very benign,” he agreed. “What if you don’t want to follow any of your ‘suggested’ career tracks?”

  “Well…” I fumbled a little because I didn’t know the answer. “Well, I’ve never heard of that particular situation. The testing is very thorough so that people get a choice of areas that they will be interested in and suit
ed for. But – if that were to happen – I assume it would be handled with some re-testing, since apparently the results were faulty.”

  He nodded thoughtfully and asked, “What about the way the government decides who you can marry?”

  “Again, you’re taking things out of context. The government certainly does not decide who you will marry. There are certain precautions in place because after the wars our population was badly depleted. It would be easy to accidentally intermarry within bloodlines, so measures were taken to prevent that. When you apply for a marriage license, your DNA samples are analyzed to ensure that you don’t have a close degree of relation and that neither of you carries any damaged genes that could affect future children. It’s possible that you would learn at that point that your DNA is incompatible, but that still wouldn’t prevent you from marrying. You would simply be unable to get a license for procreation. But honestly, you can marry anyone you want to marry.”

  “So there’s no such thing as a marriage match list?” he asked interestedly.

  “Well, yes, there is. But that’s not telling you who you have to marry. It’s just a convenience. Some people prefer to know up front that a relationship is compatible in that way. In that case, you can request a match list of people in your city who are genetically and temperamentally well-suited to you. It simplifies the process a bit, that’s all. But again, no one HAS to marry someone from the match list.”

  “Only if you want to be able to have children,” Lucas pointed out. “Don’t you think it’s more than a little bit intrusive that the government puts birth-control medicines into the water so they can tell you if and when you can have a child?”

  “Do you KNOW how many children were starving, abandoned, neglected, and abused before the war?” I asked passionately. “Because I do, and the numbers are appalling. Yes, you have to have a license to procreate; that ensures that parents are financially and emotionally prepared to raise a child. A child should never have to suffer because her parents did not have the money or the knowledge to care for a child. No one enters into parenthood on a whim anymore or has a baby by accident or in an attempt to cement a crumbling relationship. Children are a precious responsibility, and licensing procreation ensures that parents understand that.”