Feeling sorry for Celia

by Jaclyn Moriarty

  In fact, we don’t just think it. We’re absolutely sure.

  Sleep well.

  Love,

  The Young Romance Society

  Dearest Elizabeth and Christina,

  By the time you get this we will be in hiding. We are writing to you two because we love you, plus because we are so glad that you brought us together. Your party was fantastic – it was like a turning point for us. Because we discovered that we all have exactly the same goal. None of us can bear this monotonous suburban hell a moment longer and we have set out to fulfil that goal.

  This is what our dream is – to go to New York and be EXPLOSIVE. To make ourselves FAMOUS. So we came up with the idea that we should hang-glide off the Empire State Building. (Maddie knows how to hang-glide, Saxon has the money to buy gliders, and Ricky knows someone who works at the Empire State Building who he says will help us avoid security.)

  It might seem impossible but we have some unexpected ammunition up our sleeves and the fact is, we are going to do it. We have to be in hiding now to plan but as soon as we can manage it, we’re flying to New York, and then we’re really going to FLY.

  Watch the American news on Saturday night, a fortnight from now. We’ll be on it.

  Love always,

  Celiaon

  behalf of, and together with,

  Celia and Saxon,

  Maddie and Ricky

  Dear Mum,

  Sony I’m not here to welcome you home. I’m doing a long run because the Forest Hill Half Marathon is next Saturday.

  I hope you had a nice retreat from the riots of your life. Here’s a new riot.

  Celia and Saxon have run away again – and this time they’ve taken Maddie and Ricky with them.

  Guess what else? They’re planning to fly to New York and hang-glide off the Empire State Building.

  We just had a Major Emergency Meeting at Christina’s place – Celia’s mother, Saxon’s parents, Maddie’s parents (Christina’s Uncle Rosco and Auntie Belinda), Dad and his wife (I finally got to meet her – I’ll tell you all about it later), Christina’s parents, Christina’s grandparents, Christina’s great-grandparents, Christina’s second-cousins – all sitting around Christina’s living room eating coconut slice and drinking tea.

  At first, most of the grown-ups thought it was ridiculous and of course they’d never get as far as the airport.

  Then Celia’s mother put her hand in the air and said, ‘I’d like to make a contribution here’. Then she started to list all the extraordinary things Celia has done in her life.

  Then Maddie’s mother put HER hand in the air and said, ‘Well, come to think of it, listen to some of the hijinks MADDIE’S got up to before – you think becoming a trapeze artist is bad? Our Maddie has slid down drain pipes from a tenth floor apartment and hitchhiked to central Australia!’

  After that everyone had their hand in the air, and every one was talking at once. It became a kind of contest between parents, all wanting to prove how much more adventurous and dare-devil their kids were (and with Saxon’s mother demanding the police or a lawyer because she blamed everything on Celia’s mother and thinks she should be arrested).

  Then Dad pointed out that Ricky knows New York quite well because they often go on family trips there from Canada.

  Christina’s great-grandmother said, well they might be young larrikins but they’ll never afford the cost of four airfares to New York.

  Saxon’s father said that actually Saxon has a tidy little inheritance which he can access whenever he wants.

  Celia’s mother said, ‘If your son has paid for Celia to fly to New York, then you’d better keep an eye on that lawyer of yours because I’m retaining him to wipe you out.’

  Dad said that Ricky also has quite a nifty amount of money in an off-shore account, and I had to put up my hand to say, excuse me but why don’t I have quite a nifty amount of money in an off-shore account?

  Then there was a lot of talk about whether they had passports, and where they might stay, and who exactly was going to let them up the Empire State Building with a hang-glider.

  Christina and I thought we should just leave them alone and they’d come home in a week with their hang-gliders trailing between their legs.

  But there was too much hysteria for that. The parents were determined that they should be stopped (even Celia’s mother) and the only issue was how. So it was all arranged. For the next two weeks, everybody is going to help to try and find them. We’re going to search the city and warn the airlines and guard the airports. And then, if we don’t find them in time, Dad and Uncle Rosco (that’s Maddie’s father) are going to fly to New York and stake out the Empire State Building. Dad’s already bought the tickets – he did his Big Man at the Airline thing, kind of coolly showing off about how he can get tickets for practically nothing. Uncle Rosco didn’t seem that impressed.

  See you soon.

  Love,

  Elizabeth

  PART

  ten

  Elizabeth!

  What are you doing RUNNING IN THE FOREST HILL HALF MARATHON?

  Run away! Run away from this madness! Escape these crowds of runners!

  Join the Search Party as they hunt alleyways and camping grounds, scour airports, phone airlines, beg policemen to take them seriously – help them track down Celia, and stop her leading herself and her friends into disaster!

  Stop this running nonsense! What on earth do you think you are doing!!

  With much concern,

  Best Friends Club

  Elizabeth,

  Stay right where you are.

  You’ve trained for this and you’ve trained hard.

  Just take it steady; pace yourself; run slowly for now; there’s plenty of time for speed later. This is so easy you could do it walking on your hands! You can’t even feel the ground, really – it’s like you’re a seagull that just caught a breeze.

  Ignore all other messages, enjoy the rhythm of your pace, and concentrate on your breathing.

  Yours,

  The Society of High School Runners

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Okay, that’s enough.

  Stop.

  I don’t care whether you rescue Celia or not, I don’t care what you do. I just need for you to stop running. What you actually have to do is lie down in a patch of shade somewhere. See that bus seat? Sit on that. Go on. Take a seat.

  Yours,

  COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Ignore everyone! Keep going! You can do this!

  You’re SUPPOSED to be completely destroyed by running a half marathon faster than you’ve ever run long distance before – remember? This is a personal challenge!

  What do you mean ‘no energy’? Of course you’ve got energy! You’ve been carbo-loading for months! Look at the people who have quit, Elizabeth! Look at them falling to the side of the path, bending over, clutching their knees, lying flat on their backs. THAT’S what it means to have no energy!

  Yours with the best of luck,

  The Society of High School Runners

  PS Think about this. If Saxon was here as your running partner, like he used to promise that he would be? By now you would have politely asked if he minded you running on without him. You were always better than him, Elizabeth. You’d have left him eating your dust.

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Another thing. It has suddenly occurred to us that maybe Celia is not your best friend anymore?

  I don’t mean that she’s not your FRIEND. She will always be your friend. You will always have a childhood full of memories between you.

  But I wonder if you’ve drifted apart now and will never be quite so close again. And I wonder if it really, truly matters?

  Just a thought.

  Keep on running, baby.

  Best Friends Club

  PS Another thing – you see Christina on her bicycle, riding alongside, shouting at you not to quit? You think Celia would ever have done that? />
  PPS Still, maybe you could tell Christina to put her camera away. A portrait of you with your hair flat with sweat, your cheeks bright red, and your face grimacing with the effort? The world just doesn’t need it.

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Yes, we see how you might be distracted. We see how the thought of Jared’s hands and wrists and forearms are difficult to eject from your mind.

  But you’d better stop thinking about him, Elizabeth. It’s slowing you right down.

  Think about that woman up ahead instead – now why is a woman wearing an overcoat and leg warmers so far ahead of you, please? Go ahead. Overtake.

  Kindest regards,

  The Young Romance Society

  Elizabeth,

  I believe that the finish line is not so far now.

  I realise that your legs are so heavy they could drill straight through this bitumen. I realise that the only word to describe how your lower back feels right now is ‘agony’, and that if you stopped to think about it you might throw up on the spot.

  But I think that, if you don’t drop dead, you will make it to that finish line.

  Still, perhaps dropping dead would be preferable?

  Yours,

  Sensible Suggestions at your Service Inc.

  Elizabeth! What are you doing?? There’s something the matter with you!! You’re SPRINTING – you’re SPRINTING towards the finish line!! Have you lost your MIND???

  Anxious but also Extremely Excited, Inc.

  Elizabeth,

  You finished.

  We’re so proud of you.

  Now if everyone else would please shut up and let the poor girl have a break?

  The Society of High School Runners

  PART

  eleven

  ELIZABETH (AND CHRISTINA!) !!!!

  WELCOME HOME.

  I DROVE HOME ALMOST AS FAST AS YOU SPRINTED THE LASTBIT OF THE MARATHON, EUZABETH. THAT WAS ASTONISHING. CONGRATULATIONS!!! (ARE YOU SURE IT’S NORMAL TO WALKHOME AFTER A MARATHON?)

  GUESS WHERE I’VE GONE NOW?

  CELIA’S PLACE!

  GUESS WHY?

  YOUR MISSING FRIENDS ARE ALL THERE!

  THEY′ VE BEEN FOUND!!!

  CELIA’S MOTHER PHONED ME, BUT SHE IS BEING VERY MYSTERIOUS ABOUT THE DETAILS AND REFUSES TO TELL ME UNTIL I GET THERE.

  CHRISTINA, YOU’D BETTER PHONE YOUR FAMILY AND LET THEM KNOW THAT MADDIE IS ALIVE AND WELL AND NOW HERE NEAR THE TOP OF AN AMERICAN TOURIST ATTRACTION.

  EUZABETH, YOU’D BETTER PHONE YOUR DAD AND TELL HIM THAT HIS SON IS STILL IN THE COUNTRY.

  I’LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I HAVE THE DETAILS AND WE’LLHAVE A CELEBRATORY CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR THE BEST MARATHON RUNNER IN THE WORLD!!!

  LOTS OF LOVE

  FROM

  MUM

  PS I SUPPOSE SOMEONE HAD BETTER PHONE SAXON’S

  MOTHER TOO. TRY TO AVOID BEING UNNECESSARILY POLITE.

  Mum,

  I’m taking a shower if you’re looking for me, and Christina’s just taken a bus home because she wanted to tell her family in person. She’ll be back soon.

  Thanks for phoning as soon as you got the details.

  I can’t believe that they have been living in the attic at Celia’s place all along.

  I can’t believe that they still had not agreed on the best brand of hang-glider or worked out a way to get plane tickets.

  And I really can’t believe that Celia’s mother didn’t notice four extra people raiding her refrigerator while she slept each night.

  I phoned Dad and he didn’t seem to care about where they were. He’s just happy that he doesn’t have to fly to New York with Uncle Rosco.

  I phoned Saxon’s parents too.

  I recommend that Celia’s mum go into hiding from Saxon’s family lawyers. (Tell her to try the attic.)

  Thank you for the congratulations about the race. It was just a half marathon, not a marathon, so it was a piece of cake.

  Still, one of my toenails has turned purple.

  And I’m VERY excited about the chocolate cake.

  Lots of love

  from

  Elizabeth

  ELIZABETH!!!

  LOOK AT THIS NOTE!! SLIDING UNDER YOUR BEDROOM DOOR! I HAD A MARVELLOUS DAY. IT WAS EXCITING WATCHING YOU AT THE MARATHON, AND EXCITING WELCOMING YOUR RUNAWAY FRIENDS BACK FROM THEIR ATTIC. IT WAS ALSO A LOT OF FUN CELEBRATING WITH YOU AND CHRISTINA, WHO IS LOVELY AND VERY FUNNY.

  I KNOW THAT IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BUT I JUST WOKE UP WITH A SUDDEN BRAINWAVE. I AM GOING TO PUSH THIS NOTE UNDER YOUR DOOR, AND I MIGHT KNOCK, BUT VERY LIGHTLY. YOU SHOULD ONLY WAKE UP IF YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE WAKING UP.

  IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK YOU: IF DAD AND UNCLE ROSCO DON’T HAVE TO GO TO NEW YORK AFTER ALL, WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEIR PLANE TICKETS?

  MUM

  PART

  twelve

  Dear Elizabeth,

  Yes, we realise that things are going quite well for you. We realise that you recently held a fantastic party, that you finished a half marathon in the TOP FIVE, and that you have just been asked out on another date.

  But YOU realise, we assume, that NONE of this makes you into a teenager? You realise that you still fail to meet several of our regulations? You realise that Jared might have asked you out again, but you won′t have a clue what to do if he wants to kiss you. You realise –

  Dear Association of Teenagers,

  I am writing to let you know that I chose not to finish reading your last letter. I am also writing to let you know that I am no longer especially interested in your opinions. In the last few months you have been very helpful pointing out my faults, tripping me over every time I was about to feel happy, and making me cry into my pillow each night before falling asleep.

  I am very grateful for this but I would like you to remove my name from your mailing list. Before we end our correspondence, you should know this: Last week I had a party with dancing, drinking and all-night talking.

  Tomorrow I am going out AGAIN with the sexiest guy alive, who I think is about to become my boyfriend. (Okay, I don’t know how to kiss him. But I have a feeling you’re not supposed to TRAIN for kissing. I think you just do it. I think I can’t wait for it to happen, actually.)

  Next week, I’m going on a trip to New York City with my mum, to hang out in cafes and galleries, and check out the route of the New York Marathon.

  And guess what else? I think I have a new best friend.

  So if you excuse me, I would like to go to sleep.

  Write to me again? I won’t even open the envelope. I’ll rip it into tiny shreds and flush it down the toilet.

  With very best wishes,

  Elizabeth Clarry

  ALSO AVAILABLE FROM PAN MACMILLAN

  Jaclyn Moriarty

  Finding Cassie Crazy

  Protest in Mr Botherit’s English Class today!

  Do you value your life?

  Then say NO to Mr B’s Ashbury-Brookfield Pen Pal Project! whatever you do, don’t write a letter in class today! If Mr B asks why, remind him that:

  > The reason judo is compulsory here at Ashbury is so we can defend ourselves against Brookfield students.

  > You can’t get in to Brookfield unless you have a criminal record.

  > Brookfield students don’t know how to read or write.

  Year 10 is pretty crazy for best friends Lydia, Cassie and Emily, and when their English teacher starts a Pen Pal Project so that they can experience the Joy of the Envelope with boys from scary Brookfield High, life gets even crazier.

  As Lydia turns into a secret agent and Emily a relationship expert, it is not so clear what is happening to Cassie. She is writing to someone, but not even her friends know what’s going on. Does she even have a pen pal? Or has Cassie really lost it?

  The eagerly-awaited, deliciously-humorous new novel from the author of the award-winning bestseller, FEELING SORRY FOR CELIA.

  Praise for FEELING SORRY FOR CELIA

  ‘Elizab
eth Clarry is exactly the sort of person I’d love for a best friend’ MELINA MARCHETTA

  ‘I absolutely love it. I wish I’d written it’ MARIAN KEYES

  ‘Moriarty’s writing is a hoot and her sense of irony perfectly placed in this hilarious addition to the genre of genuinely comic Australian young adult novels’ THE AUSTRALIAN

  John Marsden

  The Tomorrow Series

  The feeling of reality you bring into your work is extraordinary. It makes you feel as if you are running along the dangerous streets with Ellie, tense and alert, about to blow up a bridge, or a couple of houses, or waiting quietly inside a container in the bottom of a ship, about to do the biggest thing of your life.’

  KIM, MOUNT GAMBIER

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  Seven books charged with high emotion, drama, action and even a dash of romance.

  When you open the first page of Tomorrow, When the WarBegan you’ll enter a world that’ll change you forever.

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  Tomorrow, When the War Began is the first of the Tomorrow Series, and is followed by The Dead of the Night, The Third Day, the Frost, Darkness, Be My Friend, Burning for Revenge, The Night is for Hunting and The Other Side of Dawn.