Too Hot Four Hula: 4 (The Tiki Goddess Mystery Series)

by Jill Marie Landis

  Louie elbowed Em and winked. “Smile. Like you mean it.”

  “Did you know?” she asked.

  “Of course not. Did you?”

  “Do you think I’d have let things get this far if I’d known?”

  When the ruckus finally died down, Kiki managed to talk someone out of a chair and dragged it over to join them at the front table. Suzi, Trish, and Big Estelle were still dancing. Lillian was sniveling in the corner. MyBob awkwardly patted her shoulder.

  Someone had hoisted Precious onto a tiki barstool where she was intent on downing a Great Ball of Fire while Sophie pinned up her gown. Little Estelle was still face down on the scooter tray.

  Kiki leaned toward Louie. “Are you surprised? Did anyone let the cat out of the bag?”

  “No, they didn’t, and yes, I’m surprised.”

  “Shocked is more like it,” Em said.

  “You won’t have to worry about us at all,” Kiki went on. “We rented an extra-long van. I researched all the tiki bars on Oahu and managed to book the girls some gigs almost every night. We’ll start at the Hau Tree Bar on the beach at the Hilton. Flora’s cousin works there, and she got us great rates. We won’t miss a minute of the Shake Off, and we’ll all be together!”

  “Whoohoo.” Em picked up her empty glass and set it down again.

  “Exactly. Nothing like taking the show on the road.”

  “What about Little Estelle?” Em asked.

  “She’s coming, of course.”

  “Of course.”

  “Big Estelle found a place to rent her mother a scooter. Precious even cancelled all her salon clients for the week.”

  Em noticed Precious was still perched on the barstool and now surrounded by people.

  “That gal could be a stand-up comic, you know?” Kiki said.

  “What are you thinking?” Em caught the gleam in Kiki’s eye.

  “Maybe we can work Precious into the hula show. Let her have the mic once in a while to tell jokes.”

  Em glanced over at Louie. He’d already lost interest and was talking to Jack again.

  “Don’t forget the real focus is on Uncle Louie this week,” Em reminded Kiki.

  Kiki turned and stared at Em and then fluttered her lashes. “Why, of course it is. What did you mean by that?”

  Em shrugged. “Just that trouble seems to follow the Hula Maidens like big stink on poo.”

  Kiki threw back her head and roared. “Stink on poo?” Still chuckling, she carefully pressed her false eyelash back into place. “Don’t worry, Em. What harm could we possibly do on Oahu?”

  4

  EM HAD JUST started walking across the parking lot toward the beach house she shared with her uncle when she passed Sophie leaving in her clunker Honda. Em waved as Sophie drove out of the driveway. Louie had been on hyperdrive with excitement when he left the bar. As she walked through the balmy night air, Em heard David Letterman squawking, “Nightcap! Nightcap! David wants a nightcap!”

  She hoped Sophie was up to the parrot-sitting challenge.

  Tires crunched on the gravel behind her as an unmarked Kauai Police Department cruiser crept into the lot. The utilitarian vehicle wouldn’t fool anyone. It had no hubcaps, just black wheel rims, and it already looked beat to death despite being a newer model.

  When Detective Roland Sharpe parked and stepped out of the vehicle, Em’s pulse jumped a notch. She watched him walk across the lot until he paused a couple of feet away and looked down at her.

  “Ms. Johnson.”

  Apparently he was in one of his official cop moods.

  “Detective.” She liked calling him detective. It made her feel like a character on a cops and bad guys show on TV.

  “Beach?” He nodded in the direction of the ocean.

  She really should be inside checking her suitcase for the last time and printing out boarding passes.

  “Sure.” As if any woman would turn him down.

  They walked side by side across the lawn in front of Louie’s beach cottage. When they reached the edge where grass became sand, she stepped out of her slippers and left them behind.

  “Were you out detecting tonight?” She raised her voice over the sound of the waves rushing over the coral reef.

  “Not sure you could call it that. A 911 came in from some folks out in Haena staying in a vacation rental. A guy was yelling something about being trapped in the house. Lots of screaming in the background before the call was dropped. The dispatcher thought it was a home invasion robbery.”

  “Has there ever been one here?”

  “No, but it’s not impossible.”

  “I heard a lot of sirens earlier.”

  “Yeah. Five car alert. We pulled in units all the way from Lihue.” He sighed.

  “No invasion?”

  “Bull.”

  “I can see how you’d feel that way.”

  “Huh?”

  “Like it was a bunch of bull.”

  Roland shook his head. “Actually, it was a bull. Walked right down the middle of their cul-de-sac and stopped outside the front lanai and started munching all the ti plants. Wiped out most of the landscaping. The thing had three-foot horns, and the tourists were afraid to go out and shoo it away.”

  “So how many officers did it take to round up one bull?” She hid a smile.

  He shrugged. “I have to admit it was a big, ugly dude. Nobody wanted to go near it, so the guys went door to door up and down the highway. It didn’t take long to find the owner. A little old Japanese lady came toddling down the road in a cotton bathrobe and curlers in her hair, carrying a piece of rope. Walked right up to the bull, slipped the rope around his neck, and led him away.”

  “Another major crisis averted.”

  “KPD to the rescue again.” He stared out at the waves. The foam riding the surf was illuminated blue-white by a bright sliver of moonlight. He turned back to Em. “How was Louie’s send-off party?”

  It was her turn to sigh.

  “What happened?” he asked. “No, don’t tell me. The Hula Maidens pulled one of their stunts?”

  Em nodded.

  “Another fire?”

  “Not this time. They’re restricted from using fire. Besides, that we could put out. In a way this is worse. They surprised Louie by announcing they are all going with us to Oahu to support him at the Shake Off.”

  “All of them?”

  “Right down to Little Estelle and Precious.”

  “Maybe I should issue an APB to the Chief on Oahu. Warn the HPD to be on the lookout. Have some riot gear ready.”

  “Call Hawaii 5-0. I’d rather run into that cute McGarrett guy.”

  “He’s not real, you know.”

  “They might be filming at our hotel.”

  “I’m sure your neighbor could tell you. Isn’t he working over there right now?”

  “Nat? Yeah. Working on his new show. They’re filming eleven episodes. Said he’s slammed with work.”

  “Good. Then he’ll be too busy to see you.”

  “Are you jealous, Detective?”

  He took a step closer. “No need. Maybe Nat Clark can write television scripts, but can he fire dance?”

  Em tried to picture their part-time next door neighbor, the successful prime time television writer, fire dancing in his Tommy Bahama shorts and tortoise shell glasses. He was smart, good looking, and interested in her, but he didn’t hold a candle to Roland’s flaming sword.

  “When are you coming back?” Roland asked.

  “Next Monday. Early flight.”

  “Long time.”

  “Six nights.”

  Without warning he leaned close enough to kiss her. Em held her breath. Her toes curled into the cool sand. The kis
s was short but sweet.

  “Stay out of trouble,” he said as they walked back toward the lawn. “Don’t let those women drive you crazy.”

  “I plan to book a massage at the hotel spa. That should help.”

  “If you’re lucky the place has an in-house shrink.”

  5

  LIHUE AIRPORT WAS a far cry from LAX or even Honolulu. The Hawaiian Air check-in desks were located in the long open air lobby that stretched from one end of the three-block structure to the other. Em had printed out their boarding passes last night, but since Louie had bags to check, they had to line up for a ticket agent rather than go straight to security.

  “Go with the flow” had been her mantra since they left the house before dawn to catch the eight a.m. flight. She didn’t like the notion that she was a control freak, but she was having a hard time squelching the urge to organize her eccentric traveling companions.

  Louie had filled an assortment of 1950s luggage covered in decals from various exotic ports of call that he’d seen before he married and settled down on Kauai. He’d barely been able to close the largest suitcase after carefully wrapping and depositing his favorite cocktail shakers, drink umbrellas, swizzle sticks, and a couple of his favorite tiki mugs inside. The clasp looked perilously close to snapping.

  Dressed in a crimson aloha shirt covered with images of papayas, pineapples, and bananas, he looked like an oversized fruit bowl.

  They were surrounded by a gaggle of women in matching “Yes, we are THE Hula Maidens” T-shirts and traditional purple pau hula skirts. With four yards of fabric gathered around their waists they looked like a school of beached puffer fish. Fake silk flower arrangements were pinned in above their left ears. The cement floor around them was covered with rolling bags, cardboard boxes, oversized straw purses, and even a one-hundred-and-fifty quart cooler closed with duct tape.

  Nearby TSA agents in powder blue uniform shirts covered in official embroidered patches and badges grimly waited for the onslaught to begin beside the luggage x-ray conveyor belt.

  The queue inched closer to the Hawaiian Air check-in counter. Em rolled her single carry-on beside her. Everything she needed for the four-night, five-day trip was inside. Her attention drifted to her uncle’s suitcases again, and her “go with the flow” drifted away on the trade wind breeze.

  “Uncle Louie, did you ever take your Booze Bible into the business center to get it copied?”

  Louie’s Booze Bible was a handwritten ring binder containing every cocktail recipe and accompanying legend he’d written since before he had opened the Goddess.

  He patted the battered leather briefcase hanging from an over-the-shoulder strap.

  “I’ve got it. Don’t worry. I’m not letting this briefcase out of my sight.”

  “But . . .”

  He frowned behind his aviator sunglasses. “I’m worried about leaving Letterman.”

  “He and Sophie looked perfectly happy when we drove off.”

  “He was squawking his head off. He’s not used to being fed with three-foot barbecue tongs.”

  “It’s not safe for her to get any closer.”

  “He won’t get to go outside and sit on his perch in the shade until I get back.”

  “She’ll follow your instructions to the letter. She’s not going to risk having him outside. He’ll be fine.” The macaw was older than Em, in great health, and would probably outlive them both. She was about to reassure Louie again when she was jostled from behind.

  “Oops. Sorry,” Kiki said before she glanced over her shoulder. “Settle down, Flora. You just shoved me into Em.”

  The heavyset woman behind Kiki waved her hand as if shooing a fly. The long row of gold Hawaiian Heritage bangle bracelets on her arm clanked together.

  “Kala mai, Kiki, but I gotta move away from Lillian. She’s been givin’ me stink eye since last night.”

  It was hard to miss Lillian’s pink bouffant hairdo. The woman was a few yards away with realtor Suzi Matamoto, and she was indeed giving Flora stink eye. Photographer Trish Oakley was snapping away with her camera, documenting every move the group made.

  Kiki turned to Em. “Lillian thinks Flora slapped her in the mouth on purpose during the performance. She’s still upset. I think she’s probably just nervous because she never goes anywhere without MyBob.”

  “Do you think they’ll actually come to blows?” Em said softly.

  “No way.” Kiki didn’t sound really certain.

  Go with the flow, Em reminded herself. Go with the flow.

  There was a scraping sound behind them as Big Estelle shoved the ice chest across the floor. The cooler was big enough to bury Precious in.

  “What’s in there?” Em was almost afraid to know.

  “The usual. Flowers and maile for lei, frozen akule, and twenty pounds of Hanalei poi.” Kiki thought a minute and added, “Also a box of malasadas stuffed with whipped cream.”

  In what universe was this normal stuff? Em wondered.

  “I really can’t believe we’re all here.” Kiki smiled as she scanned her troupe. “It’s so wonderful to have the girls all together, not to mention the fact that we’re going to support Louie.” She clasped her hands over her heart and sighed. “Well, life just doesn’t get any better, does it?”

  Em couldn’t comment on that since she’d just spotted Little Estelle chatting with the good looking Hawaiian Air employee who was assigned to her wheelchair. She was outfitted in the Maiden’s official travel T-shirt, but instead of a pau skirt, she had on purple capri pants and a white visor on her head that sported a huge “I’m Looking for Love” pin with three-dimensional eyes that bugged out.

  A woman waiting in the line beside them reached over the rope swag and tapped Em on the shoulder.

  “Do y’all live here?” she asked.

  “What was your first clue? The ice chest or the outfits?” Em laughed.

  “Are you part of some Hawaiian circus?”

  Em followed the woman’s gaze. Down the line, Precious was rubbing the back of her head and kicking the shin of a surfer wielding a long surfboard wrapped in a padded bag.

  Kiki leaned around Em to address the woman.

  “I’m surprised you don’t recognize us,” Kiki smiled. “We’re the Hula Maidens. Stars of the reality show Trouble in Paradise. Maybe you missed it?”

  “The only reality show I watch is Honey Boo Boo.”

  Kiki looked her up and down. “That figures.”

  “The line is moving, Kiki,” Em said, hoping to avoid a fight. “Time to roll.”

  Somehow they made it through ticketing and checked their bags with the TSA agents, but not before the agents insisted Big Estelle cut the tape on the cooler so they could look inside. Em saw the men exchange glances as they checked out the neat packages of frozen fish and Hanalei poi. Em wondered if the girls would ever see the cooler again, but the agents let them tape it up again before it disappeared into the x-ray machine.

  “Let’s get fried rice,” Suzi Matamoto suggested. “This is the best of any place in town, and you can only get it once you get through security.”

  “Louie?” Em turned to her uncle. “You want to get fried rice?”

  “Sure. Best on the island. I just hope they’re not out of it already. It’s already going on seven a.m. you know.”

  “Probably best if we stick together,” Em said before she noticed Kiki wasn’t with them. “Trish,” she called out to one of the sanest members of the troupe. “Where’s Kiki?”

  “At the bar,” Trish called as the automatic door to the cafeteria swooshed open.

  “It’s not even open yet.” As the group surged forward, Em was pushed into the cafeteria on the crest of a Hula Maiden wave.

  “She likes to stand outside and look in the window,” Flora
said. “She says a girl can dream.”

  Just then the cafeteria door opened and Kiki leaned in. “The Pali Boys are setting up out here in the lobby to play for the tourists. Forget the rice. We’ve got time for a couple of dances!”

  Em and Louie barely got out of the way as the Maidens all dropped their carry-ons, purses, and backpacks at the nearest table and stampeded back out the door.

  6

  INSIDE THE BOARDING area at Gate 6, Em clung to her go-with-the-flow attitude and paged through the latest edition of the Garden Island news. The all caps banner headline screamed “Activists Claim GMO Corn Causes Zombies.” Her mind wasn’t on the story but kept drifting to Phillip. She wondered if her ex had changed at all and wished she hadn’t agreed to meet with him.

  The Maidens had just filed in. Too late to get seats together, they were scattered around the room chatting about their successful appearance in the lobby and how they’d left travelers cheering for more. The plane had arrived and was waiting in view at the end of the jet way.

  Flora wedged into the seat beside Em and was fanning herself with a lau hala fan. She leaned over and said, “One tourist came up to me and said he nevah saw anything like us in his life.”

  “I’m sure,” Em said. Before she could add anything, their flight number was announced. All around the room passengers began pulling out their boarding passes and grabbing their belongings.

  Big Estelle came bustling over to Em. “No one has seen Mother.” She glanced into the Gate 5 waiting area on the other side of the long, narrow room.

  Em took one look at the straw bags and heavy leather pack Big Estelle was wrestling with and said, “Let me run out to the lobby and look for her.”

  Big Estelle sighed. “Sorry, Em. That would be great. You can go a lot faster than I can.”

  “Watch my stuff for me.” Em hurried out into the open air corridor outside the boarding gate. She headed along the cement walk to the lobby where passengers could not only enjoy the cafeteria or the bar and live Hawaiian music, but could also grab a bottle of water, gum, candy, or a newspaper from one of the smaller stores but also that last minute flower lei to take with them.