by Erin Noelle
As we drove back to the house, he asked me when I wanted to go to back to Houston. I decided that I wanted to be back by Tuesday afternoon, so that I could do something on my own to pay my respects to Evie. That gave us one more full day in California and I talked him into taking me to DisneyLand. I figured we could both use a day acting like carefree kids before going back to being adults.
That night I wanted to ask him to sleep in the bed with me, but I was scared to . . . scared he would say no and scared he would say yes. Instead I stayed up reading the book he had given me. It was much shorter in length than I had originally thought, but much deeper in meaning than I had anticipated. Reading about Jonathan’s journey through life and his ultimate ability to understand the importance of self-love and forgiveness gave me hope that I would be okay when all was said and done with this mess I had created.
The following day, after breakfast with the entire family before they left for school and work, Ash and I made the hour long drive to the park. I had thanked him for the book, letting him know that I had really connected with it and would definitely be reading it again. He explained that his mom had given him the book the previous summer when he was going through a hard time. I had heard snippets here and there about something that had happened, everyone eluding to something that had happened, but I still wasn’t sure so I decided to ask.
“Can you tell me what happened with your parents while I was gone?” I asked hoping he would open up to me. “I’ve heard both you and Crys say something about it, and I didn’t want to assume incorrectly.”
He seemed a bit apprehensive at first, but after a few moments, he opened up. “Basically my dad is a fucking dick. He always has been, but for a long time I just didn’t know any better. He controlled my mom for nearly thirty years, not allowing her to have friends or a life of her own while he ran around on her constantly. The stories I could tell you about him and other women . . .” He shook his head in disgust. “Anyway, he asked me to pick up one of his girlfriends at the airport and I told him no, so we got in this big argument that my mom walked in on. I just told her everything, I was tired of lying for him; I had been doing it from the time I could remember.”
“I’m so sorry, Ash,” I said as I leaned over and rubbed his arm.
He looked down at my hand touching his skin and smiled. “It’s okay really. Things are much better now. My mom is on her own and doing really well, and I have no contact with my dad. I allowed him to use me as his puppet for long enough and it feels great to finally live for myself. That’s what I want for you, Butterfly. Fly with your own wings.
“Now enough of all of that serious crap, it’s time to have fun. We are almost there. Look!” he said as he pointed at the castle and visible rides up ahead of us.
Doing just as he said, I put everything in the back of my mind, and allowed myself to have an amazing time. We spent all day and night there, only leaving when they were closing the gates a little after ten o’ clock. We were both thoroughly exhausted as we walked out to the car, but had big grins on our face. As I went to reach out for the handle of the car door, I realized that I had to pull my hand from Ash’s. We had been holding hands most of the day, but it was at that moment that I looked down at our entwined fingers that I realized how natural it felt and how I didn’t want to let go. My eyes went from our hands up to his face, and I knew that he knew exactly what I was thinking. Staring into his eyes, the butterflies in my stomach awoke, and I wanted so badly for him to kiss me. Unconsciously, I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth and began lightly chewing nervously. He reached up with his free hand and pulled it loose from my bite, rubbing his thumb over it tenderly.
“Butterfly, there’s nothing I want more than to kiss you right now, but that’s only gonna complicate things for you more. You need to settle things with the other people in your life first, and then decide if this is truly what you want.” He took a step closer to me and leaned down to press his forehead against mine. “The next time I kiss you, it’s forever. I won’t let you go again.”
My heart swelled with the love I had for him that I had forced to lay dormant for so long. Even though I wanted to feel his lips against mine so badly, I also knew that he was right. I had a lot of issues I still needed to resolve and adding to that wasn’t going to help my situation any. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
“Thank you so much for everything Ash. You have no idea how much this all means to me. Thank you for being exactly what I’ve needed; I couldn’t have done this without you,” I confessed.
Early the following morning, we were on our way to the airport and my stomach was in knots as I thought about the conversations I was going to have to have when we got home. As Crys dropped us off at the terminal, I thanked her over and over again for her hospitality. She hugged me and wished me good luck, adding that she hope to see me again soon. I honestly responded that I hoped so too.
I was unable to sleep on the flight back, my thoughts were racing and I was nauseous from the overwhelming anxiety and dread. I still didn’t know where I was going to live, Ash had told me that I could stay with him as long as I needed, but I knew that I needed to find something permanent pretty quickly. As the wheels touched down on the ground, I prepared myself for what was probably going to be the second toughest day of my life . . . exactly one year after the other.
MASON
The night that I got back to Austin after finding out that Scarlett had left with Ash, I was a fucking wreck. I probably shouldn’t have been riding in that state of mind, but luckily I made it unscathed. After a quick shower and change of clothes, I called Cruz to let him know that I was back and needing a night out. He told me that Bentley had already alerted all of them and we were going to the hole-in-the-wall bar just down the street so that we could walk to and from.
I still had no fucking idea what to think about Scarlett’s abrupt leaving. I went back and forth between devastation and downright rage. I wasn’t an idiot; I knew that he had always had a hold on her. I knew that given the chance, he could stir up the feelings that she once had for him, which was why I had so desperately wanted her in Austin with me, away from him. I wondered how long she had been seeing him, was it as soon as I was gone? God the thought of his hands on her made me want to hurl. I couldn’t fucking believe the day that I had gone to tell her that I couldn’t spend another day without her next to me was the day she decided to leave. What was supposed to be one of the happiest days, a day to celebrate Jobu’s Rum going on tour, ended up being one of the worst fucking days of my life.
My phone ringing pulled me from my thoughts and I answered without even looking at who it was.
“Hello.”
“Hey there rock star,” Bentley purred seductively. I rolled my eyes at her lame attempt to entice me. Been there, done that, wasn’t interested in revisiting.
“Hey B, what’s up.”
“You want to stop by my apartment before we head out. I’ve got something that will make you feel better.”
“B, we’ve discussed this. I’m not going there again, whatever we had is over. You are my manager, that’s it. And why do you think I need something to make me feel better?”
“Hmm . . . well let’s see. You left to go see your precious Angel, but turned around and came back the same day wanting to go out to get shit-faced. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’re upset about something. Plus asshole, I wasn’t offering me; I was talking about some party favors I got my hands on. But if you want to be a dick, that’s fine, more for me. I’ll see you downstairs in about an hour,” she said before hanging up.
Frustrated, I went to throw my phone down on the bed and accidentally hit the nightstand instead, knocking over a picture of me and Scarlett. The glass shattered on top of our faces as the frame hit the hardwood floor. Fuck me. I went to clean up the mess and got lost staring at the photo. Seeing her face intensified all of the feelings that I had been fighting all day. Sorrow. Anger. Confus
ion. Disappointment. Hurt. Devastation. Fury. Pain. Lots of pain.
I finished picking it up off of the floor and threw it all in the trash, picture included, but not before cutting my finger on a sharp edge of glass. Of fucking course. Not even bothering cleaning up the drops of blood, I grabbed my phone and wallet and headed out the door to Bentley’s apartment. Maybe I did need something to make me feel better.
Hours later, I had downed no less than ten shots and six or seven beers, not to mention the pain killer that B had given me before we left, but I found that my thoughts kept traveling back to Scarlett. I was finding it impossible to drink her out of my system. Actually, the drunker I got, the more I wanted to talk to her. I didn’t know what the fuck had happened, but I felt like if I could see her . . . talk to her . . . touch her . . . that I could fix whatever had happened, remind her of what we had and what he had done to her.
Unable to resist the temptation any longer, I snuck off to the bathroom and tried calling her, but her voicemail picked up on the first ring. Feeling defeated and hopeless, I rejoined my crew at the bar and ordered more shots. I clearly needed more to drink because I was still able to walk without falling over. I just wanted to drink until I remembered nothing.
FRIENDS
RIVER OF DECEIT—MAD SEASON
I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU—BOYCE AVENUE
I WILL REMEMBER YOU—SARAH MCLACHLAN
SCARLETT
When we got back to Ash’s house, both Jess and Meg were there waiting for us. Jess instantly pulled me into a warm, welcoming embrace as soon as we walked through the door, and Meg followed suit. They both told me that I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted, and that they were both available if I needed a female to talk to about anything. We were all extremely emotional due to the nature of the day, I thanked them and then followed Ash back to his room. He cleared out some space in his closet for me to unpack some of my things. I tried arguing with him that I could just leave it all in my bags until I figured out where I was going, but he insisted that I not live out of a suitcase.
When he picked my phone up off of his desk and handed it to me, I looked down at it as it was a bomb about to explode in my hand. I didn’t even know where to start, who to call first, what I was going to say. Ash wished me good luck and left me in the room alone, shutting the door behind him. I sat down on the bed with a sigh of trepidation and turned it on.
I figured my parents were probably the safest bet. I didn’t have to tell them about the Max issue, and they would think I was just upset about Evie. The conversation with my mom went exactly as I thought it would—she told me that I needed to face my problems instead of running away from them, but that she was happy I was okay. I didn’t tell her about my lack of a home, I figured it was best to tackle that in a different phone call. After hanging up with her, I decided to call Mina. I was conquering the phone calls from easiest to hardest.
Mina answered on the first ring, and after making sure that I was physically okay, she went into a fifteen minute long lecture about worrying her and that I was giving her added stress on the week of her wedding and that she was going to kick my ass when she saw me. I apologized profusely for causing her additional anxiety during her wedding week, and told her that I still needed to talk to both Max and Mason to settle some things, but that I would definitely be at the wedding on Saturday. She told me that I could bring Ash with me if I wanted to, which really caught me off guard, but then I realized that she knew I was with him from his phone call to her before we left. I knew that she had a ton of questions she wanted to ask me, but held back with the interrogation, giving me the time to tell her what had happened on my own.
The next call was going to be awful. I didn’t even know what to say to Max. Where did I begin? What had he been going through over the past several days? Had he told anyone? Had he told Mason? God, I had made such a mess of things. Finding his name under my favorites, I touched it and held the ringing phone up to my ear.
“Scarlett,” he answered apprehensively.
“Max,” I replied with equal hesitation in my voice.
“We need to talk.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to do this over the phone. I need to see you. Can you meet me?”
“Yeah, I’ve got to call Mase first. Have you talked to him?”
“No, I’ve only talked to Mina, but not about . . .” his voice trailed off.
“The usual? An hour?”
“Okay, see you then. It’s gonna be okay, Scarlett. We’re gonna be okay.”
I hung up the phone not feeling much better about things. Mina was still happy with me, but she hadn’t yet found out what I had done, so that was subject to change. I had spoken with Max, but nothing had been resolved. At least I knew he wasn’t completely disgusted with me. But the most difficult call was the one that had my hands shaking and my chest feeling so tight I was sure I was going to have a heart attack.
I touched the first name on my screen and waited for Mason to answer. The phone rang and rang. His voicemail picked up after the fifth ring, and hearing his voice, even on a recording, brought tears to my eyes. My heart broke for us . . . for what we had shared, for what we could’ve had, for what we had both thrown away.
“Hey Mase, it’s me . . . Scarlett. I’m back in Houston. Give me a call when you can talk.”
MAX
I got to the Chocolate Bar about twenty minutes before I was supposed to meet Scarlett, but I was so anxious to see her, to talk to her. I felt absolutely awful about what had happened and I knew that I couldn’t put it to rest until we hashed it out. On top of that, it was the first year anniversary of Evie’s death. All day I had been a fucking wreck . . . looking at pictures of us, remembering the times we had spent together, beating myself up for what had happened with Scarlett.
I was happy to see our usual table open and I sat down, trying to calm my nerves before she arrived. I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to say, how we were gonna fix the situation we had gotten ourselves into. I just want to forget the whole thing had ever happened, just erase the whole night from my memory, but unfortunately, that just wasn’t possible.
Scarlett walked in about five minutes after I did, she obviously was eager to get this conversation over with as well. I wondered how her talk with Rat had gone, I truly felt awful for the situation she was in. Mina had told me that he had come looking for her but that Ash had called her saying he was taking her away . . . I just didn’t know what in the world was happening, but I felt responsible for it all. I should’ve fucking known better. I should’ve never gotten so drunk, knowing that we were both mentally and emotionally unstable.
She approached the table looking nervous and unsure of herself. I stood up and went to her, pulling her into my arms, and giving her the biggest hug I could possibly give. I knew that she most likely blamed herself, and I hated that she had to carry any more guilt than she already lived with.
“Scarlett, it’s gonna be alright, I promise,” I said.
“What did we do Max?” she asked.
“I don’t know, but we can figure it out. Come on sit down.”
I led her by the elbow to the chair and then sat down across the table from her. I couldn’t help but smile at the pink hoodie that she had on . . . always something pink. Where Evie always had on something red, Scarlett was always pink. Even though she didn’t realize it, she was a toned down version of Evie, much like pink was of red.
We spent the next hour and a half talking about what had happened leading up to the previous Friday night in my apartment. She told me about the conversation that she and Mason had shared during the afternoon and then the phone call with Bentley later that night. A combination of her insecurities in their relationship and the alcohol she had consumed that night had led her to assume that Mase had chosen Bentley over her, but I wasn’t so sure that was the case.
“Have you talked to him?”
“No. I called him earlier, but I got his voicemail.”<
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I put my head in my hands; I couldn’t believe what a mess we had created. I hadn’t taken any of his calls. I wanted him to talk to her first, I didn’t think it was my place to tell him, but I did want him to know. Whatever the end result, I wasn’t a person that was cool with lies and deceit.
“You have to keep trying him. Have you thought about going to Austin?”
“No! I just got home from California a couple of hours ago.”
“California? What the hell were you doing in California?” I was completely lost at this point.
“The night after I left your apartment, I freaked out and Ash picked me up.”
“Yeah, I knew that part. Mina told me you were with him. But how does California play into all of this?”
“He took me to his sister’s house for a couple of days to get away from everything. We just got back today.”
“Ahhh . . . so you haven’t spoken with Mason since last Friday afternoon?” The more of the story I heard, the more I wondered what all had happened between Rat and Bentley . . . something just wasn’t adding up . . . especially after the frantic messages that he had left on my voicemail.
“No . . . I ran away like I always do. I just wanted everyone and everything to go away.”
“And you called Ash?”
“Yeah . . . I don’t know. He had left this inspirational book on my car earlier in the day to help me through the whole Evie thing, and in the middle of my meltdown, I saw the book in my car and called him.”
“And . . .” I had a bad feeling I knew where this story was heading. An already distraught and broken Scarlett in a romantic setting with the guy who she thought was possibly her soul mate . . . God, this was all my fucking fault. I knew better, I could see it unraveling in front of my eyes that night, but I just couldn’t fucking stop it. It had been so long . . . and it wasn’t just because she occasionally reminded me of Evie by the things she did or said, but because she was . . . well, she was just her . . . sweet, beautiful, unassuming Scarlett. I knew she was hurting, that she felt abandoned by Mason . . . shit, I had felt that emptiness for a year. But I should’ve stopped it before it became the fucking mess that it had become.
