The Ballad of Azron Bezron

by Steve Wetherell

  ‘Beats me,’ said Azron. He put his hands on his knees and looked Baby in the eye. ‘How about this? You come with me until I can get my hands on some chocolate, then we go our separate ways, yeah?’

  Baby’s eyes narrowed. ‘Two sponduliks a day, plus expenses.’

  Azron rolled his eyes and turned a sly grin on Jaq. ‘See? They talk straight enough when money’s involved.’

  The thief spat in his palm and held it out to the kobold. ‘You do as you’re told and you’ve got yourself a deal.’

  Baby spat on Azron’s hand, then shook it. ‘We are like high-powered businessmen, with questionable pasts and troubling personal lives.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Azron. ‘That’s exactly what we’re like. Well done. Now go and sit on the pack horse.’

  Azron straightened up and caught Jaq’s incredulous stare. ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘You’re paying that thing to be your lackey?’

  ‘Yeah, If you like. Why? What harm does it do?’

  Jaq looked at the kobold as it heaved itself onto the pack horse. ‘How much are its expenses?’ she murmured.

  ‘The daft thing’s wearing a second-hand pair of underpants as a hat. I don’t think he’ll rack up too much in the way of luxuries.’

  Jaq shook her head and mounted her horse. ‘Weird.’

  ‘Trust me, I’ve worked with him a few times before. He won’t be any trouble. Just be very clear about what you tell him. They’re a bit…what’s the word? Idiot. Kobolds are idiots.’

  +++

  They camped that night beneath the branches of an oak tree, Baby making himself surprisingly useful in stoking a fire. The night was dark and cloudy and the warmth from the fire was welcome indeed.

  They ate from the pre-packed rations Jaq had provided at Topman’s expense. Baby was helping himself from Azron’s share.

  ‘Expenses,’ he said, grinning through a mouthful of food. ‘Tasty, tasty expenses.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll bet,’ Azron muttered darkly. ‘Why don’t you go and water the horses before I forget what I’m paying for?’

  Baby frowned at the thief. ‘I’ll water the horses until they beg me to stop,’ he said, and wandered off to where the horses were tied.

  Jaq watched him go. ‘He’s very odd.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Why is he called Baby?’

  ‘They’re all mostly called Baby. Or “boy” or “girl” or “accident”. Their parents aren’t usually very bothered with names.’

  Jaq slowly shook her head. ‘Astonishing.’

  The two sat for a while picking over the last of their rations, Baby’s tuneless whistling the only sound. Azron looked over at Jaq. Now that she was concentrating on eating, Azron noticed a few things about her. She was younger than she let on. Without the squint and frown she wore constantly, and without sticking out her jaw, she looked softer.

  Azron spoke. ‘Why’d you decide to be a bounty hunter?’

  Jaq replied without looking up. ‘Why did you decide to be a thief?’

  Azron thought for a moment, then shrugged. ‘I don’t think I ever decided. It’s just what I am. My dad was a thief, and my mum. She stole his heart, they used to say. I was born a thief.’

  Jaq met Azron’s gaze, the familiar scowl falling over her face like a curtain over a stage. ‘No one is born a thief,’ she said.

  Azron gave a noncommittal shrug. ‘All the Bezrons are thieves. Except my cousin Baxo. He’s a bit of a black sheep—he became a magistrate.’

  Jaq raised an eyebrow. ‘How does that work?’

  Azron scratched his chin. ‘It gets a bit awkward around the holidays, to be honest. Anyway, I wasn’t asking about me I was asking about you. Why a bounty hunter?’

  Jaq sat for a while, staring into the fire. ‘My father left my mother and me when I was only young.’

  Azron said nothing. He picked up a stick and began poking the fire.

  Jaq continued. ‘He left without word, without leaving a note. I thought that he might be in trouble, or that he might be lost, so one day I set out to look for him. I found him three towns over, shacked up with a landlady in a grotty pub.’

  ‘Harsh.’

  ‘Yes, it was. I asked him why he had left and when he was coming back. He said, in no uncertain terms, that he was a man free to do as he pleased and that he’d not be shackled into a life of unhappiness.’

  ‘Bastard.’

  ‘Yes, he was. Well, anyway, it turned out he had a small bounty on his head over an unpaid fine he had thought to leave behind. I hit him with a barstool and dragged him to the nearest lockup. It was the easiest money I ever made.’

  ‘That’s…quite a sad story,’ said Azron. Then he frowned as a sudden thought occurred to him. ‘Wait a minute—how old were you?’

  ‘Eight.’

  Azron’s jaw dropped. ‘Wow,’ he said. ‘That story went from sad to terrifying pretty damn quickly.’

  Jaq began scraping dirt over the fire. ‘I’m good at what I do, Bezron. Don’t think I’m some silly girl playing games, because I’ve left men in the ground who’ve made similarly poor judgments of character.’

  Azron put his hands up. ‘I’m all for equality, love. Just making small talk, is all.’

  In the dying light of the fire, Jaq held the thief’s gaze. ‘I’m above charm, Bezron. I’m above mind games. Chit-chat all you like, but you won’t endear yourself to me. You are a job to be completed, and I could not care less for the nonsense that comes out of your mouth.’

  ‘Well, there’s no need to be rude.’

  ‘Yes, there is, because I don’t think you understand what I am, Bezron. I learned a valuable lesson the day I turned my father in. I decided that there are people who run out on the consequences of their actions, and people that enable them to do so, and that I would never be either of those people. Ever.’ Jaq turned away from the guttering fire, lay down and pulled a blanket over herself. ‘Good night, Bezron. Sleep tight. And do not even dream of escaping me.’

  Azron sat for a while, surprised by how quickly the night air had chilled. Baby returned from watering the horses and gave a sympathetic shudder. ‘You could be stabbing the atmosphere,’ he remarked.

  ‘Shut up, Baby.’

  +++

  Azron’s eyes snapped open. It was full dark and the still-cloudy skies ensured against a peeping moon. He carefully regulated his breathing to give the illusion he was still asleep. If his guess was correct, it had been three hours since he had turned in, meaning that both Baby and Jaq would be well into their slumber. He listened to their breathing and movement, and smiled in the dark. Dawn would find him far away from irritating kobolds and tempestuous bounty hunters.

  Azron was used to moving around when other people were asleep—it was yet another prerequisite of his particular career. He’d lost count of the amount of times he’d taken treasures from beneath pillows or mattresses while their owners slept on above. There was an art to it, to breathing and moving in a way that didn’t unsettle slumbering minds. There was an art to it, and Azron was an artist. He slowly pulled the blanket down from his body—

  He heard the unmistakable click of a flintlock pistola being readied.

  The voice of Jaq was not even a little bleary. ‘Go back to sleep, thief.’

  Azron swallowed hard and pulled the blanket back up to his chin.

  ‘I will say again—goodnight, Bezron,’ said Jaq.

  ‘Yeah, g’night.’

  Azron lay staring into the dark for a while, quietly horrified. He thought he heard a faint snickering from where Baby was. He thought of a great many swearwords, but dared not whisper even one of them.

  +++

  The next day found the three travellers on the borders of the cotton prairies, trotting quietly through the stretching plains of grass. That morning they had broken camp in silence, mounted up in silence, and now they rode in silence. If Jaq was bothered at all by the quiet, she did not let it show, and Azron suspected she would be just as happ
y if nobody ever spoke another word again. Baby seem content without speaking, but Baby seemed content to dress in the discarded undergarments of strangers, so Azron saw no benefit in trying to draw meaningful conclusions from the kobold’s behavior.

  Azron hated the quiet. Oh, not the quiet of empty warehouses, or other people’s homes or the various other places he was keen not to be discovered in, but quiet where quiet served no useful purpose bothered him greatly.

  ‘So,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to be here. You don’t want to be here. Baby wants chocolate and that’s about as far as it goes. The least we can do is try to get along, yeah?’

  Jaq said nothing.

  ‘Oh, come on!’ said Azron. ‘Why don’t we make the best of a bad situation? How about a game of I Spy? I spy with my beady eye, something beginning with—’

  ‘Stop. Immediately.’

  ‘Something beginning with—’

  Jaq gave a ragged sigh. ‘Desist the playing of this game.’

  ‘Something beginning with…G.’

  ‘Grass.’

  ‘Good guess!’

  Jaq rolled her eyes. ‘We are on the grassy plains. There is plainly little here but grass. Now, I don’t want to shoot you in the head, but if you don’t stop prattling I’ll be left with little choice.’

  Azron stared glumly at the ground for a while. ‘You’re not easy to get along with, are you?’

  Jaq’s already hard face hardened further still. ‘I make a point not to be.’

  There was a long period of quiet until eventually Baby spoke. ‘Now I am spying, with my disproportionate eyes—’

  Jaq groaned. ‘Oh, for the love of—’

  ‘Something beginning with B.’

  Azron frowned. ‘Grass doesn’t begin with B, Baby.’

  ‘And neither does sky.’

  Baby grinned behind his buck teeth. ‘I am the best of this game! The thing I am seeing begins with a B!’

  There was a sound like a fox swearing vengeance. It echoed across the plains. Azron and Jaq turned their gazes slowly to the sky.

  Baby grinned. ‘Birdie! See?’

  Jaq’s eyes grew round and she slung her rifle over her shoulder with incredible speed.

  ‘Get down!’ Azron roared. He grabbed her shoulder as he flung himself to the ground, pulling the bounty hunter with him. A huge feathered shape, bigger than a horse, barreled just over them with a deafening screech.

  Jaq slapped Azron’s hand away from her. ‘I could have had it!’

  ‘Yeah? And I could have let it have you!’

  Jaq snarled and leapt to her feet, aiming her rifle skywards, quickly tracking and scanning the vast, featureless blue. She squinted down her sight as she made out the giant flapping shape. ‘Ah! Got it.’

  ‘Wait!’ cried Azron, once again grabbing at Jaq’s shoulder.

  Jaq shook him off. ‘What? What now?’

  Azron pointed wordlessly to Baby’s empty saddle.

  ‘Oh,’ Jaq said.

  ‘Yes. That bird has got my mate, and I think the last thing he needs right now is to be shot at by you.’

  For a little while Jaq said nothing. Then she nodded to herself and jumped into her saddle. ‘Come on! It’s spring and that’s a devilcrow. It’ll be heading to its nest.’

  ‘And what’s at the nest?’

  ‘Its hungry children.’

  ‘Is that good? That doesn’t sound good.’

  ‘It means we have time—now move!’

  Azron jumped into his saddle, fell off and climbed carefully back up. He spurred his horse into a gallop, following the already shrinking figure of Jaq. The beast in the sky was barely more than a dot as it headed out toward a distant copse of towering trees.

  +++

  Baby awoke, looked up at a beak the size of a wagon wheel and quickly re-evaluated the merits of being unconscious. The devilcrow was a huge oily thing with a jagged cluster of thorn-like horns running down the centre of its head. It looked down at Baby, its huge yellow eyes following the kobold’s every twitching movement with reptilian impassiveness.

  Baby rose shakily to his feet, sticky mismatched twigs crunching beneath him. ‘Nice birdie?’ he tried.

  The devilcrow cawed, a sound that ripped through the eardrums.

  Baby wobbled backward and landed on his rump. The devilcrow made no move to attack, seeming content just to watch him. Baby looked around at his surroundings. He was in a nest, the walls of twigs and logs glued together with bird mucus. The nest was not empty. He was surrounded by three giant eggs, each as big as he was. As he watched one of them it began to rock slightly. A large crack appeared in the pink-hued shell and through the crack there was a hint of jagged, razor-sharp beak.

  ‘This is a most awful way to die,’ said Baby, his lips trembling. ‘I would much prefer old age, if that is a possibility at this time.’

  The devilcrow cawed again and Baby fell to the ground once more, watching in despair as the eggs around him began to rock and sway.

  ‘Don’t move, Baby,’ came a whispering voice.

  Baby looked at the eggs and blinked. ‘It is astounding you can talk at such a young age. And with you being a bird, also.’

  ‘Behind you, idiot.’

  Baby looked behind him but could see nothing but the sticky wall of the nest. ‘Whoever you are, you are invisible. I think that you should be made aware of this.’

  The devilcrow suddenly tilted its head to one side and hopped forwards, moving closer to Baby.

  ‘It’s me, Azron. I’m behind the wall. I need you to move backwards.’

  Baby, his eyes not leaving the monstrous bird, tried to talk without moving his lips. ‘This bird is angry with me,’ he said.

  ‘Just trust me. Move toward my voice.’

  Baby began inching backwards, the egg next to him suddenly cracked hugely, a hint of deadly talon breaking through into the light.

  ‘Oh, but I have come a lamentable way for a little chocolate,’ said Baby. Then he felt a hand grab his collar. He had time to see the devilcrow lunge toward him with its huge, vicious beak open wide before he was jerked over the wall of the nest.

  He dangled above a dizzying height, a leafy brown floor far below him. He looked up to see Azron Bezron hanging from a branch by one hand, holding the scruff of Baby’s sacking with the other. The thief looked down at him, smiling through gritted teeth. The head of the devilcrow peered over the side of the nest and looked down with as much puzzled fury as a bird could possibly convey, and shrieked like satan’s alarm clock.

  ‘Hang on,’ said Azron, and he let go of the branch.

  Baby clenched his eyes tightly shut as they began to fall through the air. He opened one eye nervously to see that they were not falling at the break-neck pace he had assumed they were. Azron was supported by a thin rope at his waist that looped over a thick branch. Looking down, Baby could see Jaq holding fast to the other end of the rope, her leg braced against the trunk of the tree.

  ‘Death is not immediate!’ said Baby happily.

  ‘Don’t speak too soon,’ said Azron grimly.

  The caw of the devilcrow was deafening, and Baby looked up to see the horrible bird swooping through the air toward them. ‘Death is immediate!’ he screeched.

  Azron grunted with effort as he swung Baby towards the trunk. Down below Jaq let out an exasperated cry as the rope twisted and pulled in her hands. The thief and kobold swung just enough to dodge the diving beak of the devilcrow, but the rope itself was clipped by the creature’s wing, sending them spinning like a drunken ballerina. Baby moaned as the forces of inertia threatened to tear him from Azron’s grasp and send him tumbling to a broken end.

  Below them, Jaq grunted as she tried to gain control of the rope. The twisting had jammed it on a branch above her, and as much as she shook and heaved she could not free it. The thief and the kobold continued their mad twirling.

  ‘Grab the rope!’ Azron bellowed, and with a grunt he heaved the kobold upwards. Baby didn’t need telli
ng twice, grasping the rope as though his hands were a vice and bumping down onto the small of Azron’s back.

  ‘Now cut it!’ Azron screamed. ‘Cut the rope!’ He handed Baby his dagger, which he managed to retrieve from his boot despite the spinning and swaying. Baby looked at the dagger with the one eye he had managed to open, and with great reluctance took one hand off the rope to grab it. Then he looked down. They were still too far above the ground to fall without potentially fatal consequences.

  ‘We are not in a position to challenge the ground!’ he wailed.

  ‘Do it! That huge bloody bird is coming back!’

  As if on cue there was another shriek from the devilcrow. Baby looked up at the flying menace. His eyes grew to the size and shape of saucers. He quickly took the dagger and began sawing at the rope.

  ‘More quickly!’ shouted Azron, rummaging in his coat.

  Baby closed his eyes and sawed more frantically at the now-fraying rope, which suddenly snapped. He just had time to see a confused devilcrow soar over him as they began to fall. He clutched desperately at Azron’s coat, and the thief below him stretched his arms out towards the tree trunk. Baby did not have time to wonder what the stubby metal claws on Azron’s hands were, but he saw the benefit of them as Azron plunged them into the bark. The claws tore wicked gouges into the tree and both man and kobold crashed into the trunk, the breath rushing from Azron’s body with a loud whuff!

  They remained still for a moment.

  Azron spoke quietly. ‘I think—’

  The tenuous hold the claws had on the trunk gave way, and the two companions screamed as they jerked and tumbled down the tree, Azron scrabbling his makeshift claws for purchase whenever he could, desperately trying to slow their descent.

  It worked. Sort of. They crashed into the ground with all the grace of a rhino sitting down after a long, hard day, and then they lay in a twitching heap.

  After a while Baby spoke. ‘You have claws like a cat. You are a cat burglar. This is funny.’

  Azron shook the climbing claws from his bloodied hands. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Hilarious.’

  There was another shriek from the devilcrow, and Azron groaned. ‘Just let the bastard thing eat me,’ he said.