by Nic Tatano
Tish got into the spirit of things, pointing out a young woman on the dance floor with royal blue hair and a black dress. “What about that one, A.J.?”
“Costume de riguer for a Smurf at a funeral.”
Everyone laughed as one of the male guests singled out a guy wearing a bright green sport coat over a tie-dyed shirt. “How about the guy in the green, A.J.?”
“Looks like he won the Masters golf tournament in the sixties. At Woodstock.” Then A.J.’s eyes widened. “Oh. My. God.”
Tish looked around to see what had captured her attention. “What?”
“Target at twelve o’clock. Cheap bimbo at the bar who looks like she needs a bail bondsman and a public defender.”
Tish’s jaw dropped as she spotted the top-heavy woman spilling out of a very short candy apple red bandage dress that left little to the imagination. “Think she’s a leftover from the bachelor party?”
“Sounds about right,” said one of the guys. “I guess she forgot her stripper pole. Anybody got some dollar bills?”
A.J. laughed as she shook her head. “Who the hell brings a woman dressed like that to a wedding?”
“Hell, what kind of woman dresses like that for a wedding?” Tish watched the girl as she left the bar carrying two drinks. “We’re about to find out who brought a date from Caligula’s palace.” The woman weaved her way through the crowd on the dance floor, nearly falling down as she was obviously drunk. Then took a seat next to—
Tish’s face dropped along with her voice. “Oh, no. I don’t believe it.”
A.J. turned to her. “What?”
“She’s with my white knight.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope. Sonofabitch.” Her heart sank as she grabbed her drink and threw it down. “Aw, shit. I guess I read him wrong.”
A.J. grabbed her arm. “Hang on a minute. She might just be sitting next to him.”
“She just handed him a drink. Dammit, if he likes that type then I’m really not—”
Suddenly Spencer turned and spotted her looking at him. He flashed a big smile and waved.
“Well, don’t worry your pretty little head. I’ll find out,” said A.J.
“Huh? How are you going to find out?”
“Wave him over, dumbass. And smile.”
Spencer leaned over to his date. “Hey, I’m going to go say hello to a friend.”
The girl whipped her head around, looking in all directions. “Who?”
“A lawyer I know.” He nodded in the direction of Tish. “She’s sitting over there.”
Jennifer looked around. “Which one? The brunette on the dance floor? She’s fat.”
He rolled his eyes as he shook his head, didn’t answer and got up.
“Hey!”
He ignored her and headed toward Tish, laser locked on her. She smiled and got up to greet him. “Tish, we just keep running into each other.”
She nodded. “Can’t believe we’re at the same wedding.” She reached down and pulled A.J. out of her chair. “Spence, this is one of my dear friends, A.J.”
He shook her hand and smiled. “Pleasure, A.J.”
A.J sized him up. “You too. I’m her plus one since she wasn’t interested in any of the other men who were free tonight. The one she wanted to go with was already tied up.”
Tish shot her a wide eyed look.
A.J. looked over his shoulder. “Uh, your companion over there doesn’t look too happy.”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Last time I let a friend fix me up with a blind date for a wedding. I’ll never hear the end of it next time I’m in the courthouse.”
Tish smiled a bit. “Oh, so she’s not your—”
“I’m not dressed like a pimp, am I?”
Tish couldn’t help but laugh. “Uh, no. You look very nice.”
“You both look terrific. Anyway, just met her two hours ago. At the rate she’s throwing down scotch I’ll be carrying her home.” He noted the band finished a fast song and started a slow one. He took Tish’s hands. “How about a dance, Tish from the hotel?”
Tish looked at the bimbo, then back at him. “I dunno, Spence, your date looks awfully steamed.”
He turned to A.J. “I will give you a thousand dollars if you can find a guy to go hit on her.”
A.J. laughed, gave Tish a wink and pushed her toward him. “Go dance. I’ll find some sucker who thinks with the wrong head. Oh, Tish, I’ll hold your glasses.”
“Huh?”
A.J reached up and removed her glasses, then gave her a wide-eyed look. “You don’t want these flyin’ off while you’re dancing, do you? Like they always do when you dance?”
“Oh, right.”
Tish turned back to him and he got a close up look at those eyes for the first time. His jaw dropped slightly. “Whoa.”
“Whoa, what?”
“I’ve, uh…well, come on.”
He led her to the dance floor, took one hand in his while resting the other lightly on her waist. She put her free hand on his shoulder as they began to sway to the music. He locked eyes with her. “Y’know, if I’d paid more attention to you the day I bought you a soda, I wouldn’t be stuck with her tonight.”
“Back up a minute. You didn’t tell me what the whoa was for.”
“Oh. Your eyes are such an amazing color. They’re really spectacular. Hard to appreciate them with your glasses on.”
“Why, thank you, kind sir. People do say it’s my best feature.”
“No argument here. If you didn’t wear glasses I’d swear they were colored contacts. They’re such a deep blue.”
“I tried wearing contacts but they don’t work for me. Really irritate my eyes. Besides, glasses make a woman look smarter, or so I’ve heard.”
“I don’t think you need any help in that department, Miss Valedictorian.”
“By the way, you have gorgeous eyes as well. Such a beautiful olive green.”
“Are we going to spend the evening complimenting each other?”
She shrugged. “I could live with that.” Tish looked over his shoulder. “Oooh, speaking of eyes, your date is shooting daggers at me. Talk about a death stare.”
“Good, maybe she’ll get jealous and find someone else to take her home.”
“A blonde in that dress and with that body…it shouldn’t be hard.”
“I dunno, some guys have a bad allergic reaction to silicone. And she’s not a blonde unless she dyed her roots brown on purpose.”
“You’re funny, Spence.”
“But speaking of blondes, you look fabulous.”
“I thought we were done with the compliments. You trying to butter me up?”
“Oh, absolutely. So, was A.J. kidding about why she’s your plus one tonight?”
“Nope. The available male choices were not remotely inspiring. Of course, she wouldn’t be my date if you’d paid more attention when buying me a soda.”
“Geez, I’ll never live that down either. Though I would think men would be beating down your door.”
“They don’t, but I’m very particular anyway. And I have unfortunately discovered that a lot of men are intimidated by smart women and prefer…well, dates like yours. Also, I have an unlimited number of peremptory strikes.”
“Ah. So since you’re dancing with me I guess I am acceptable to this attorney.”
“The jury is still out pending further cross-examination, but you seem to be a good fit for this case so far.”
“So, you a friend of the bride or groom?”
“The groom. And you?”
“The blushing bride. So is he gonna treat her right?”
“Absolutely. He’s a great guy. What about her?”
“Total sweetheart. Really decent person and smart as hell. We’ve been friends for years.”
“Good to hear. Speaking of decent, you’d better do the right thing and get back to your table soon because your date looks like she is about to make a scene, and you don’t want that at a wedding r
eception.”
He spun her around so that he was facing the woman, who looked livid. He smiled at her and gave her a wave as the dance ended. “While I’d much rather spend the evening at your table and dancing with you, I think you’re right.”
“I’m always right. Now shake my hand, pat me on the shoulder and give me a wave.”
“Huh?”
“Let her think I’m just a friend. Then get her drunk as fast as possible and get her outta here. I’ll see you soon enough.”
“Okay. Sounds like a plan.”
“And if you don’t want to dance with her, pretend to twist your ankle on the way back to the table.”
“Excellent idea. Now I can see why you were the valedictorian.”
“That stuff ain’t in a book, Spence. Basically it’s bad dates 101.”
He followed her instructions, shook her hand, patted her on the shoulder and gave her a wave, then turned and fell to the floor. He grimaced as he grabbed his ankle, then got up and hobbled back to the table.
“So who was that?” asked his date, arms folded, still glaring at Tish, not at all concerned with his fall.
“Like I said, a lawyer I know. Just a friend.” He started to take off his shoe.
“Good.” She took his hand and yanked. “C’mon, let’s dance.”
He shook his head. “Sorry, I really twisted my ankle when I fell. It hurts like hell.” He flagged over a nearby waiter. “Hey, can I get a bag of ice? I think I sprained my ankle.” The waiter nodded and headed to the kitchen.
“So, what’s the deal, you can’t dance with me?”
“Afraid not. I’m sure you can find someone as a partner. Plenty of single guys here.” He pointed to the table where the friend who had fixed him up was seated. “I think you’d like the guy with the purple tie. He can’t stay off the dance floor.”
Payback.
She shook her head and threw her napkin on the table. “Fine. Sit here by yourself with your…ankle.” She got up and headed to a table filled with men, grabbed his friend without asking and hauled his ass to the dance floor.
Spencer turned toward Tish’s table, saw her laughing and mouthed a “thank you.”
*
Spence had kept Tish and A.J. laughing as they had turned their chairs to watch the hilarious goings-on at his table. The party girl was giving him an earful and shaking her finger at him when she wasn’t on the dance floor doing the bump-and-grind with any man she could find. Every time she left the table to get another drink he looked at Tish and did some hilarious pantomime, using his thumb and index finger to shoot himself with an imaginary gun or wrap an invisible rope around his neck to hang himself. Tish pointed at the parade of empty glasses in front of her seat and mouthed “how many.” He counted and held up eight fingers.
“Damn,” said A.J. “How the hell does a woman that little drink that much? She can’t be more than a hundred pounds.”
“Most have a hollow leg. And about twenty of those pounds are silicone.” The song ended and she saw the woman head back to the table, seriously unsteady this time. “Ah, this could be last call for our designated tramp. I think she’s finally had one for the road. Wait for it…” The girl reached the table, swayed in a circle. “Going… going …” Then she practically collapsed on top of Spence. “Gone. And she is down for the count. Stick a fork in her, the party girl is done.” She watched him pat her on the face, then shake her without any response. The woman was a passed-out drunk, mouth hanging open like a trophy bass. He looked at Tish, shrugged, stood her up, tossed her over his shoulder and carried her out of the hall.
Twenty minutes later Tish’s cell phone beeped. She pulled it from her purse and saw a text. “Hey, it’s from Spence.”
A.J. leaned over to take a look. “Oooh, let me see.”
Just dropped off comatose date. Thanks for saving me from dancing with her. You’re brilliant. See you soon. Can’t wait.
-Spence
A.J. pointed at the phone. “Reply with something fun.”
She thought a minute, then tapped the keys on the phone.
You mean you didn’t have your way with her?
-Tish
The reply came back fast.
Prefer women who are conscious and have a brain. I poured her through the mail slot.
They both laughed. “He’s a quick wit,” said A.J. “Keep it going.”
Tish typed out a message but hesitated.
If you come back to the reception you can dance with a woman who’s conscious. Band still here for two more hours.
Operators are standing by.
“Should I send it?”
A.J. shook her head, rolled her eyes, reached over and tapped the send button. “Damn, Tish, sometimes you’re hopeless.”
The reply came back in an instant.
Just made illegal U-Turn. No cops in sight. About to exceed speed limit.
Tish flashed a big smile. “Thank you, A.J. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
A.J. pointed at the phone. “Tell him I wanna go home and ask if he can give you a ride.”
“You want to go home? I thought you were having a good time.”
“Madonne. Do I have to shoot you with the clue gun?”
“Oh. Right. I get it. You don’t really—”
“Give me the damn phone!” A.J. grabbed it, wrote a text and hit the send button.
A.J. is feeling tired. Any chance you can run me home after the reception? I’m staying on Staten Island tonight. If it’s too far out of the way, I understand.
Another quick response.
Change of venue not a problem. Appeal granted.
A.J. picked up her purse and stood up. “Okay, I’m gettin’ out of the way.”
“Thanks, A.J.”
“I’ll send you a bill for my services. And you’d better call Madison and tell her you’ll be home late.”
“Why?”
“Why? I saw the way he looked at you. And the way you looked at him. Trust me, you’ll be gettin’ home late. If you get home at all.”
CHAPTER NINE
Tish shuffled out of the guest room preceded by Socks and saw her friends already seated at the dining room table for their regular Sunday brunch. She yawned and stretched, her eyes noting the clock which told her she’d slept past eleven.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” said Madison. “Literally.”
She covered another yawn, then held her head due to a slight hangover. “Morning, guys.”
Rory studied her face. “She doesn’t look too bad for someone who got in at seventeen minutes after one.”
Tish’s jaw dropped as she sat down. “What the hell, Rory, are you spying on me?”
Madison nodded. “She does that. You have to get used to it while you’re living here. She thinks we find it endearing for some odd reason.”
“I was up late reading and happened to see you,” said Rory.
A.J. rolled her eyes. “Oh, what a crock. You’ve got the friggin’ Hubble telescope across the street.” She turned to Tish. “I already got them up to speed to the point I left. So, details about the white knight. C’mon, spill.”
Tish grabbed a glass of orange juice and smiled. “We had a nice time. Could have talked all night.”
“They pulled up in the driveway four minutes after twelve,” said Rory.
Tish glared at her. “Yeah, and then we talked.”
“Talking doesn’t usually fog up the windows of a car.”
“It was humid!”
“In October? Pffft. I hardly think so.”
“Good God, Rory, you should work for the CIA. Fine, we talked and then we made out a little.”
Rory leaned back and smiled at her. “Considering the kiss he planted on you when he walked you to the door, it looked like more than a little. Talk about a tonsillectomy.”
Tish slapped her hands on the table. “Okay, stop it!”
Everyone laughed as Rory reached over and gave her a hug. “I’m just ya
nkin’ your chain, sweetie. We’re all happy you met someone nice. Who is obviously attracted to you.”
“Yeah, and amazingly he’s unattached. That woman we saw him with in the restaurant turned out to be a partner at his law firm. By the way, Madison, he said my eyes are spectacular. So thanks for the makeup job.”
“You didn’t need makeup for that, I just brought them out. But I’m glad he noticed.”
A.J. laughed. “You shoulda seen the guy when I took her glasses off. He got a good look at her eyes and it was like he got hit with Cupid’s arrow. Bada bing. Though I must say, his are pretty spectacular as well and he’s cute as hell up close. The boy is seriously doable.”
“But they just talked, remember?” cracked Rory.
“The plus one he had at the wedding was very doable, and he didn’t,” said Tish.
A.J. laughed a bit. “I’d call her a plus two considering the fake boobs. I think if you pricked one with a pin she would have flown around the room like a deflated balloon.”
Tish laughed. “She was rather top heavy. I’m surprised she didn’t tip over. Looked like every man’s fantasy from a porn magazine.”
“Yeah, I showed them a photo I took with my phone,” said A.J. “But apparently she wasn’t his fantasy. Give the guy credit for not thinking with the wrong head.”
Rory flashed a sinister grin. “He didn’t look like he was only interested in Tish’s mind.”
Tish looked at the ceiling. “Please, God, take me now.”
A.J. patted her on the back. “Hey, I’m impressed that he ditched the cheap bimbo and came back for the classy chick. Gotta love a guy with priorities like that.”
“So what’s next?” asked Madison.
Tish started dishing out food onto her plate. “We’re going to try to have lunch one day this week and then Saturday he’s taking me out.” Socks jumped into her lap and started to sniff her food. “Sorry, kitty, this stuff has salt in it. Not good for you. I’ll get you some treats as soon as I’m back in my body.”
Madison picked up her cat, Bumper and set him on her lap. “You find out if he likes cats?”
“The topic didn’t come up.”
“Surprising,” said Rory, “considering all the talking you two did.”
Tish rolled her eyes. “Next week I’ll have him drop me off around the block.”
