by Paul Gamble
“I am very annoying,” Jack agreed. “So, it’s likely that someone’s going to punch me in the mouth at some stage in the future.”
“I expect so,” grunted the Tooth Fairy.
“Accepting that’s going to happen, here’s my offer: When someone punches me in later life, if a tooth comes loose I’ll leave it under the pillow for you. But in return you do me a favor now.”
The Tooth Fairy looked at Jack’s face. “It is a very annoying face.” After a moment’s hesitation the Tooth Fairy nodded. “Deal. What’s the favor?”
Jack smiled. “Do you still have your black Ford Cortina?”
The Tooth Fairy nodded, then paused before speaking. “Is this going to be something dangerous?”
Jack nodded. “Potentially deadly.”
A smile emerged from the middle of the Tooth Fairy’s dense beard. “Good.”
* * *
Jack’s parents were both looking rather unexcitedly at bowls of muesli that were in front of them when Jack ran into the room.
“How’s the head this morning?” his mother asked.
“Head? What? Oh yeah, great, great,” said Jack.
Jack’s father stood up and poured a bowl of Mr. M’s Nutritious Wheatie Flakes into a bowl. “Right, young man, you’d better have a good breakfast this morning. After all, you didn’t have tea last night.”
“Can’t!” Jack said. “Trudy’s father’s picking me up this morning for school and I’m already late.”
The toaster popped and two slices jumped out the top. Jack grabbed them and set a new world record for buttering them before disappearing out the front door. His parents followed Jack and watched as he clambered into a black car.
“Is that Trudy’s father?” Jack’s dad asked. “When he dropped Jack off before I’m sure he wasn’t driving a Ford Cortina.”
Jack’s mother nodded in agreement. “I’m also sure that he wasn’t wearing a pink tutu.”
* * *
Jack bundled himself into the seat beside the Tooth Fairy, who shifted the gearstick, stamped on the accelerator, and screeched away from the curb. Jack was pushed backward in his seat and struggled to put on his seatbelt.
As the Tooth Fairy drove, he looked slightly sheepish. “Incidentally, you’ll be wanting to tell your father to get his drainpipe replaced.”
“Why’s that?” Jack asked.
“Umm, well, when I was climbing down it, it may have bent slightly. I put on a few pounds recently.”
“Never mind that,” Jack said. “You could have ruined all our drainpipes and the guttering as well and you’d still be doing me a huge favor.”
“This Ministry business, then?” the Tooth Fairy asked.
Jack nodded. “Someone’s trying to kill me.”
“Really?” The Tooth Fairy sounded impressed. “Then you must be doing a good job.” The Tooth Fairy let out a long sigh. “I remember the days when people tried to kill me. Easter Bunny and I used to have a grudge thing going. But no one even tries to kill me anymore.”
“Why not?” asked Jack.
“Turns out I’m what they call ‘nearly indestructible.’”
“Nearly?”
“Well, I say ‘nearly,’ but that’s just out of modesty, really. Anyway, who is it that’s trying to kill you?”
“Merlin.”
The Tooth Fairy let out an impressed whistle. “That’s fairly big league.”
Jack looked in the rearview mirror. The silver driverless car had pulled up behind them. It sped up and nudged the bumper of the Ford Cortina, causing the Tooth Fairy to briefly swerve before regaining control. The Tooth Fairy made a low growling noise. “That’s what’s trying to kill you?”
Jack nodded.
“All right then, let’s deal with this now.” The Tooth Fairy jammed on the brakes and stepped out of the car. The driverless silver car seemed surprised by this move and its wheels screeched as it quickly reversed a hundred meters. The Tooth Fairy flexed his impressive biceps and stood behind the Ford Cortina in the middle of the road.
“Umm, what are you doing?” Jack asked as he craned his neck around to watch.
The Tooth Fairy said nothing but stood stock-still in the middle of the road. The silver car revved. Suddenly its wheels screeched forward again and it barreled down the road toward the Tooth Fairy.
The Tooth Fairy didn’t move.
“GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Jack screamed.
The Tooth Fairy turned his head over one hairy shoulder. “Calm yourself.” He turned back around and bunched one fist. The car was only meters away from the Tooth Fairy. In one swift movement the Tooth Fairy raised and brought his fist down on the speeding car’s hood at exactly the right moment. The entire front end of the car crumpled as if it were an accordion. It flipped into the air and somersaulted over the Ford Cortina before crashing back onto the road, flipping again and again.
The Tooth Fairy blew on his fist before turning, walking around his car, and getting back in. “I told you—nearly indestructible.”
Jack couldn’t think of anything to say.
The Tooth Fairy started the Ford Cortina up again and began driving at a leisurely pace. After five minutes he nudged Jack in the arm and pointed to the rearview mirror. Jack turned to see what the Tooth Fairy was indicating. There were now two silver driverless cars following them. “Merlin must have a fleet of those things.”
Jack looked hopefully at the Tooth Fairy. “But you can smash them as well, can’t you?”
The Tooth Fairy rubbed his bristled chin. “Could do, but I’m working on a schedule, see? There’s a time for fighting and a time for running. Not from fear, but just because it’s the most efficient thing to do. I’m not your chauffeur; I’ve also got a business to run. Now buckle your seat belt.”
Jack had already buckled his seat belt, but found himself wishing he had a second one. The enormous hamlike hand of the Tooth Fairy shifted the gears and his foot hammered down on the accelerator again. The silver cars behind them revved their engines in pursuit.
The Tooth Fairy’s Ford Cortina screeched and howled as he threw it around a corner. The silver cars followed, but at a distance. Whereas the Tooth Fairy screeched and smoked his car around every turn, the silver cars moved as if they were on rails, with every move judged to a thousandth of an inch.
“If I push the accelerator any harder, my foot’s going to be on the road,” the Tooth Fairy observed. “Doesn’t seem like I can lose them after all.”
Jack sighed. “Look, we aren’t that far from my school. Just pull up outside it and I’ll try and dive inside before the cars get me.”
Horns blared around them as the Tooth Fairy zigged and zagged between traffic. “Nah, I’ve got an idea. We just need to take a detour—too many pedestrians around here to try it.” The Tooth Fairy slammed the brakes, shifted gears, and tore down a side road, pursued by the silver cars. Five minutes later and they were driving down a quieter street running alongside a park. The Tooth Fairy sped to the end of it, threw the steering wheel around, and spun the car 180 degrees.
The silver driverless cars stopped in the middle of the road two hundred feet away. They revved their engines menacingly. Jack turned to the Tooth Fairy. “What are you planning? Can you please bear in mind that those cars are metal. And you’re indestructible. But I am neither of those things. I’m pink, surprisingly squishy—and since meeting Trudy, also covered in bruises.”
“So?” The Tooth Fairy asked.
“So … please don’t do what I think you’re going to do!”
The silver cars suddenly released their brakes and came barreling toward the Ford Cortina. The Tooth Fairy stamped down and put the pedal to the metal. “TOO LATE!”
Once more Jack would have expected his life to flash before his eyes—but this time unfortunately his eyes were too busy watching the silver cars speeding toward them to see anything else.
At the last second the Tooth Fairy jerked the steering wheel to the left and the Ford Cortina mounted the pavem
ent. The silver cars were almost past them when the Tooth Fairy slammed both feet down on the brake and spun the steering wheel again. The Cortina turned in a circle and its rear bumper nudged the nearest silver car. It was traveling so fast that it crashed into the other car, sending it spinning into an electricity pylon, smashing and crumpling it. The pylon fell to the ground, pulling the wires from both sides with it. The wires smashed to the ground and broke—dozens of birds that had been roosting on the powerlines flapped into the air. And as they did, the second silver car stopped accelerating and glided to a standstill. It stopped moving entirely.
The Tooth Fairy pulled the car over. “Something funny going on here.”
“Yeah,” Jack agreed. “The second car just stopped when the pylon collapsed.”
And then like a flash Jack put it all together.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
HANSEL AND GRETEL87
THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE
You will have noticed that many fairy tales leave out crucial bits of the narrative, making them seem nonsensical. In an effort to establish the veracity of many of these tales, the Ministry has set up an Evidentiary Folklore section, which has undertaken an investigation into the basis of many of these stories to try to provide more reasonable explanations.
The first story that was investigated was that of Hansel and Gretel. If you are familiar with the story, you will be aware that there are several parts that seem to be far-fetched, to say the least.
The most obvious part is where Gretel pushes the witch into an oven, which, being part of a gingerbread house, must be made of some kind of foodstuff; yet the witch is unable to escape from it. This is ridiculous, because if you were ever trapped in an oven made of food, you could simply eat yourself free.
However, there is a perfectly logical explanation for this. The witch’s oven was made of white bread.88 Sadly, the witch in Hansel and Gretel suffered from a wheat allergy. If she ate any bread at all, she would come down with the most terrible diarrhea.
Many people would ask why the witch would choose to burn to death rather than spend a few days with a rather upset stomach. The reason for this is obvious. Although it may be horrible to burn to death, it still isn’t as bad as having to live with diarrhea for several days when your toilet is made out of sticky toffee pudding and the pipes for your plumbing are mainly Pixy Stix. (It should also be noted that sudden and explosive diarrhea in a small, oven-like space would also lead to a considerable risk of the most unpleasant kind of drowning imaginable.)
Some of you will be asking how on earth the witch got official permission for a house made out of gingerbread in the first place. The person at fault is Simon Blenthins, who was the world’s most incompetent zoning official. He is famous for waving through the idea of a gingerbread house, but also well-known for approving two applications from Misters Dennis and Roderick Porker for houses made of straw and twigs, respectively.
* * *
33
THE PROBLEMS OF STARDOM
Jack thanked the Tooth Fairy for the lift and ran from the Ford Cortina through the school’s entrance hall. Up ahead of him, he saw David with a crowd of kids who seemed to be asking for his autograph. Although Jack had been looking for Trudy, he decided it made sense to speak to David first. He ran toward David but hadn’t made it more than ten feet before he tripped and fell head over heels.
Jack briefly panicked. If David had suddenly become coordinated, had Jack suddenly become clumsy? There was a whirring noise and Jack turned to see a gleaming black cylinder the size of a small dog moving toward him—this was what had tripped him. It seemed to float along the carpet waving seven or eight thick hoses that protruded from its body. The hoses reached out for Jack, seemingly grabbing at him. Jack scuttled backward in fear until he bumped into Dawkins/Static, who was dressed in his full superhero costume.
Static helped Jack to his feet. “Don’t worry about that. It’s just a robot vacuum cleaner.”
Jack looked from Static to the vacuum cleaner, trying to figure out which question he should start with first. Eventually he settled for asking about the vacuum cleaner, since it was poking him annoyingly with its hoses. “So why is the school suddenly full of robot vacuum cleaners?”
Static chomped on a Mr. M health-food bar that he had been holding. Small pieces of the bar fell from the side of his mouth and scattered onto the carpet. The vacuum cleaner darted after them, hungrily sucking the crumbs up through its many hoses. “That’s the reason why right there. Mr. M’s health-food bars have become so popular everyone’s eating them. Apparently, they’re the number-one-selling snack in Northern Ireland. But they also leave a terrible mess. Mr. M’s company has lent the school these vacuum cleaners.”
Jack knocked away the nozzle of a hose that had been ferreting around in one of his pockets. He was sure that the official explanation Static had given wasn’t the true reason. However, he had other questions to ask. “Why are you dressed in your superhero outfit?”
“I’m trying to get people interested in my merchandise again”—Static frowned, gesturing over his shoulder—“but your friend David seems to be the flavor of the month.”
Jack looked down the corridor—David was still surrounded by autograph hunters. “Yeah, well, everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame. Sadly, I think David’s is going to end fairly soon.”
Static didn’t seem comforted by this observation. “I’m hoping that if I bulk up on these health-food bars it’ll make me look totally ripped like one of those movie superheroes. Then maybe everyone’ll pay attention to me again.”
“I really wouldn’t keep eating those bars. They’re not as good for you as everyone thinks. Anyway, I can’t stay talking all day—I’ve got to speak to David.”
“Typical,” muttered Static. “Everyone wants to speak to David; no one wants to buy a Static hoodie anymore.”
Jack pushed his way to the front of the crowd that was surrounding David. David eyed Jack warily. He made no move toward Jack.
Jack found it difficult to look his friend in the eye. “Can we talk?”
“Of course we can,” said David.
“In private.”
David looked at the crowd of adoring fans and acolytes surrounding them. “That might be more difficult. I have my public to think of.”
“Just for five minutes. Please, it’s important.”
David sighed. “Okay, we’ll find somewhere.”
Five minutes later Jack and David were crammed into a toilet stall, standing on either side of the bowl.
“This isn’t exactly the kind of private location I was thinking of,” Jack observed.
“It was the only place I thought that people wouldn’t follow us.”
“No kidding. Even I didn’t want to follow us.”
“You wanted to talk?”
Jack hung his head. Then he realized that left him looking directly down into the bowl, and someone hadn’t flushed at their last visit. He closed the toilet lid and looked at David instead. “I’m sorry about before. I realize this means a lot to you.”
David nodded very slightly before he spoke. “I’m sorry too. I know there’s something strange going on.”
“You do?” Jack asked.
“Of course I do. There are kids out there who have started a David Sacher fan club. Suddenly, I can do all these amazing stunts—that isn’t normal. I’m not stupid. When I do those crazy things it feels like someone else is moving my arms and legs for me.”
“Then you realize it isn’t just your super acting?” Jack shook his head in disbelief. “But … why are you going along with it all? If you know that there’s something wrong with it.”
“Don’t you get it, Jack? I’m the worst in our school at sports. At exams I just about pass them. You’re my only real friend. Last week most girls wouldn’t even talk to me. And this week everyone loves me. There are winners and losers in life. I’ve never been a bad loser—but that’s only because I’
ve had so much practice at it. Just for once I want to feel like a winner.”
“But you know that it’s all going to come crashing down at some stage, don’t you?”
David laughed. “My entire life is about things crashing down and falling over. But sometimes you can’t worry about the crash—you just have to enjoy the ride for a while. Look—tomorrow is the first day of filming. We’re going to be shooting the first scene of the film at Carrickfergus Castle and I’m going to be the star.”
Jack thought of saying more, warning David what exactly was going on. But he knew it wouldn’t change anything. So why spoil his friend’s ride? But what he could do was try to get some metaphorical airbags to save him. “I get it, but be careful, okay? You know you and Trudy are my best friends.”
David nodded. “I know, Jack, and no matter how good the ride gets, I’m not going to forget that.”
Jack and David smiled at each other and hugged. It would have been a beautiful and touching moment except for the fact that they had to lean over a toilet bowl to do it.89
* * *
After they left the bathroom, Jack wandered away, allowing David to be swamped once more by crowds of adoring fans. He wandered the corridors until he found Trudy. She was being swamped too, but instead of fans, it was vacuum cleaners. She angrily batted their nozzles away as they sniffed around her.
“I think I’ve got this whole thing half figured out.”
“Great,” Trudy said as she grabbed a nozzle and twisted it. “Let’s get away from these vacuum cleaners.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
WINNERS AND LOSERS
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING A “GOOD” WINNER
All too often in life we are told not to be a bad loser. And that is important—a bad loser is one of the worst things that a person can be.
But only one of the worst things.
Because the worst thing that you can be is a bad winner.
Whenever you start gloating about winning you’re on a slippery slope. There can only ever be one winner, and a lot more losers. When a winner gloats, there’s a very real risk that he’ll find himself on the wrong end of an angry mob of so-called losers. And if there’s one thing that losers are good at, it’s forming angry mobs, complete with pitchforks.
