by Paul Gamble
* * *
34
PUTTING THE PIECES IN PLACE
Trudy slammed the classroom door behind her, leaving the vacuum cleaners outside. “What’s Merlin up to? What does he plan to do?”
“Ahh,” said Jack, “well, I don’t know that part.”
Trudy cocked her head to one side. “It really doesn’t sound like you have this figured out as much as you led me to believe.”
“Okay, I haven’t figured out what he plans to do exactly, but I have figured out how he plans to do it.”
“It’s a start, I suppose.”
“It all started with Edwyn having that allergic reaction to a peanut, right? I think that was Merlin’s first move. He’s been scaring people by genetically altering snack food. That way, when they have extreme reactions people get scared and switch to his health food. The more extreme the reaction the better it works—that’s what happened with Edwyn. Think about it—I don’t know anyone whose parents have allergies, but almost all children around the world are allergic to something. I think Merlin has been genetically modifying food for years.”
“But why?”
“Simple. He wants everyone to start worrying about their health. That way he can sell more and more of his health-food products.”
“Merlin’s been doing all this in an attempt to sell more muesli bars? Do you think there’s some kind of mind-controlling chemical in them?”
“No, it’s a lot simpler than that. Think about what else we’ve been attacked by this week.”
“The suits of armor? And the car that was pursuing you? And those sharpened metal spikes that shot at me.”
“Yeah, we’ve been attacked by metal objects.” Jack repeated himself slowly. “Metal objects.”
“Still not getting it.”
“Magnets are the secret to the whole thing.”
“I can’t help feeling that you’re making this more confusing than it needs to be.”
Jack sighed. “It all starts with the sword in the stone.”
“Excalibur.”
“Right, except we were focused on the sword being the powerful part. It isn’t—the really important bit is the stone.”
“The boulder?”
“It’s ridiculous to think that a sword would get stuck in anything that it cut. If it’s sharp enough to cut its way in, then it’s sharp enough to cut its way out. The sword isn’t actually stuck in the stone; it’s just that at the center of that boulder is an extremely powerful magnetic source.90 There’s a naturally occurring metallic stone—we studied it in science. It’s called lodestone.”
“How does that help us?”
“Simple—I think that Merlin is using that lodestone as a power source to control everything. The sword isn’t a sword so much as an antenna. It’s projecting the power of the lodestone.”
Trudy snapped her fingers. “And that’s why there was a wire connecting the sword to the electricity pylons!”
“Precisely! We’ve done this in science; you can use electrical wires to create magnetic fields. Merlin’s figured out a way to create shaped magnetic fields that can make things move as if they’re his puppets. That explains the driverless cars and the suits of armor that attacked us. It explains how those metal bars shot out of the cavern walls without any kind of mechanism to propel them. Merlin’s using magnetic fields to move them.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“One hundred percent. Think about it. Merlin used to be really powerful when everyone was a knight. But knights don’t make any sense. You’ve seen suits of armor. They’re heavy, they make it hard to move, and they rust. If someone attacked you in a suit of armor, you could just run away from them and throw rocks until they fell down. It wouldn’t be an effective way to fight a battle at all.”
Trudy gasped. “Unless someone could make the suits of armor move all by themselves…”
“Exactly. And also, think of electricity pylons. Merlin must have persuaded the first electricity companies to make them. It doesn’t make sense to have the wires hanging in the air like that. We bury our water pipes, we bury our gas pipes, we even bury our television cables, and television isn’t even dangerous.91 But we just let electricity hang in the air? It’s because Merlin wanted the lines to be above ground so he could use the metal cables to channel the magnetic fields from his lodestone boulder.”
“I really hate to have to admit this, but you’re making sense.”
“That’s not all—those wires can’t just be carrying electricity—because otherwise birds wouldn’t be able to sit on them without being fried.”
“Of course!” Trudy said. “I’ve heard it said that pigeons and other birds navigate using the earth’s magnetic field—which would explain why they sit on power lines, and when Merlin’s using them to control things with magnets it must disorient them—so they sit on the wires until they can get their bearings. Jack, this is amazing!”
“And it’s why when I was ‘sleepwalking’ all the birds landed on me—because I was the center of magnetic waves given off from the nearby pylons.” Jack smiled. “And I think Merlin tried this before—remember we were told that he created Stonehenge? What else is Stonehenge but a very early collection of pylons? He probably stopped because without cranes and things like that it would have been very difficult to set up Stonehenges across the country. That’s why pylons carry a dozen different wires—because some of them are using magnetism to push things and some of them are using it to pull things. That’s how Merlin can control entire objects. He must be using some kind of highly sophisticated control panel to coordinate it all.”
“But wait,” Trudy said. “There’s just one thing that doesn’t make sense—your theory explains how Merlin could control metal suits of armor and cars. But not people or animals.”
Jack triumphantly took a Mr. M health-food bar out of his pocket and held it in front of Trudy’s eyes. He pointed to a line on the nutritional information: Fortified with vitamins and iron. “And this brings us back to the start. Merlin’s been causing food allergies for years. People get worried about their diet and start eating health food. If you eat enough, then you build up more and more iron in your blood. When it gets to a certain level he can use the magnetized pylon wires to control you. Think about it: I stopped eating his healthy products and the effects wore off on me. He was also feeding the animals at the zoo with iron-fortified products and that’s how he controlled the meerkats and got them to dig that cavern where your mother was held.”
“And it’s also how he controlled the woodpeckers,” agreed Trudy. “But when my mother started feeding one with ordinary bugs it lowered the iron in its blood and so it wasn’t under his control anymore. Then it could come and find me.”
“Exactly!” Jack was feeling very smug. “We’ve solved it. I think we can afford to take Friday off.”
“Really, Jack?” Trudy asked. “I mean you may have figured out how Merlin’s controlling people, but you still haven’t figured out what his plan is. What’s he actually trying to achieve?”
“Oh,” said Jack. “Yeah, I’d forgotten about that.”
“Well, you’d better start thinking again.”
“Apparently, they’re starting filming at Carrickfergus Castle tomorrow,” Jack said. “Maybe it’s something to do with that?”
“Maybe? Is that the best you have? Look, we can’t be that much closer to the solution—if we were close to catching him, Merlin would have tried to kill us again.”
It was at that minute that the classroom door burst open and a dozen robot vacuum cleaners dashed in, waving their hoses menacingly.
“Oh,” said Trudy, “maybe we’re closer to the solution than I thought.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
ROBOTS
TAKING OVER THE WORLD
Over the years many science-fiction writers have been concerned that one day robots and computers will take over the world. Any sensible person knows that this
is not something that we need to worry about. In fact, what we should be worried about is the opposite. The possibility that computer and robots will not take over the world.
As you can imagine, running the world is a very stressful and difficult thing to do. This is why leaders of countries always look so tired and stressed all the time.
Computers and robots are much smarter than we are and would do a much better job than we do running the world. However, this is also why they probably won’t take over the world, because they are smart enough to realize that being in charge of the world is going to take up a lot of your time and not really be that much fun.92
Interestingly enough, this is the reason computer games were invented. Originally computers were only meant for doing sums and writing novels. However, it was quickly realized that if only we could fool computers into thinking that the real world was a lot more fun than it actually was, maybe one day we could fool them into taking over.
Therefore, fun virtual games were invented to convince computers that our lives were a lot more fun than they really were. These games involved only the fun parts of life and not the dull aspects. Racing cars—but never filling them with gas or cleaning them. Flying in planes—but never having to wait an hour to get your luggage back. Playing sports—but not having to spend weeks in the gym training to become stronger and faster.
It is hoped that one day computers and robots will be taken in by these games enough for them to start thinking that they want to rule the world. Then finally human beings can let them get on with it while we get to lie around and relax for a while.
This is also the reason people are encouraged to post only positive messages on their social media. That way the computers will think we’re all having a lot more fun than we really are.
* * *
35
THIS SUCKS
“Okay, so do we have a plan?” Jack asked as the robot vacuum cleaners advanced.
Trudy ducked as a vacuum hose flailed over her head. “I’m not sure how you defeat vacuum cleaners.”
“Time for The Speed?” Jack suggested.
“It’s as good an idea as any other.” Trudy’s face fell as she summoned a sad thought. Jack noticed it took her longer than normal. Perhaps now that Trudy’s mother was back she was finding it harder to become sad at will. Which was both a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.
Trudy caught one of the vacuum cleaner’s hoses, swung it around in a circle, and threw it crashing into two others. As usual Jack was doing far too much thinking and not enough acting. A vacuum-cleaner hose had gripped him around the ankle. It jerked suddenly and he fell to the ground. A dozen cleaners surrounded him and lashed him with their hoses. “Help!” he shouted as he was mercilessly beaten.
Trudy darted over to Jack in a flash, grabbed him by the hand, and dragged him clear. Jack smiled his thanks at her. “How are we going to defeat these things?”
Trudy pushed Jack out of the way of a vacuum cleaner that had charged at them. She kicked out at one with a foot. It tumbled and landed on its back. Then it made a high-pitched squeaking noise, beeped twice, and then went silent. “Jack—that’s it!”
“What?”
“Flip them upside down. They seem to have some sort of ‘off’ switch that operates if they end up on their back.”
Something about this didn’t seem right to Jack, but it had worked. He dived at the nearest vacuum cleaner, slipped his fingers under it, and flipped it over. It tumbled and landed on its back. It flailed its hoses briefly, but then beeped and switched off. A hose hit Jack across the base of his spine and he turned quickly. A robot cleaner wrapped its hose around his wrist. Jack threw his arm quickly in the air and the effect rippled along the hose—another cleaner was on its back.
Trudy was having even more success. She ran from one cleaner to another using The Speed. She dodged under their hoses and then with a simple flick of her wrist knocked them onto their backs. Less than five minutes later the last vacuum beeped and went dead.
Trudy and Jack looked around them at their vanquished foes. Trudy smiled briefly but then frowned.
“What are you thinking?” Jack asked.
“Too easy,” said Trudy. “Far too easy.”
“Yeah, I kinda felt that myself.”
“Well, we can’t leave them here. I’ll call Grey and get them to send someone from the Ministry to take them away.”
Less than half an hour later Grey, Trudy, and Jack were in the Ministry. Jack and Trudy had explained to Grey what they had figured out about how Merlin was controlling people. They were standing around the deactivated vacuum cleaners, considering them.
“You’re right to be suspicious,” Grey agreed. “Anything that seems too easy to be true is…”
“… too easy to be true,” Jack and Trudy joined in.
They stood and stared at the motionless machines for a while longer.
Trudy broke the silence. “But we aren’t going to come up with any answers just standing here. We need to figure out what Merlin is going to try to do when filming at Carrickfergus Castle tomorrow.”
Grey smiled. “Good news on that front. The King in Yellow has been speaking to the laws of physics on behalf of Cthulhu. The laws of physics have agreed to return to the filing room. Therefore, we can find things in it again. Hopefully there’s some documentation in there that will tell us of any weaknesses Merlin has.”
“That’s good news,” Trudy said.
Suddenly around them there were dozens of beeping noises.
Jack shuddered. “I suspect that beeping isn’t good news.”
The vacuum cleaners sprang back to life. Using their hoses, they flipped themselves the right way up. Jack, Grey, and Trudy pushed against each other back to back, forming a fighting perimeter. Trudy held up her fists. “Here we go again.”
The vacuum cleaners formed themselves into a line and shot down the corridor in the opposite direction.
“Oh,” said Jack. “It’s a pity there isn’t someone here who wants to know what the definition of an anticlimax is—because that was pretty much a textbook case.”
Trudy was thinking. “This means we never actually defeated the vacuum cleaners in the first place, did we? They just let us think we did so they could get inside the Ministry.”
“But why would they do that?” Jack asked.
A look of shock spread across Trudy’s face. “Merlin didn’t assign them to attack us at all. He knows we’re closing in on him. The vacuum cleaners are going to try to destroy any information the Ministry has on him so we can’t figure out what his plan is.”
Grey slapped himself on the forehead. “And I just told them exactly where that information was being held.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
VACUUM CLEANERS
THEIR INVENTION
There is much debate as to who invented the first vacuum cleaner. Early vacuum cleaners consisted of a large and bulky body attached to a long hose that could suck things up. While Ministry researchers have not been able to definitively say who came up with this design, they have said that they suspect elephants could be making a fortune in royalties if only they had hired themselves a patent lawyer soon enough.
* * *
36
THIS REALLY SUCKS
Jack, Trudy, and Grey hurtled down the corridors of the Ministry in pursuit of the vacuum cleaners. However, the cleaners ran far too efficiently on their little wheels to be caught. Their cornering was exceptional, unlike Jack’s, which involved a considerable amount of skidding and occasionally a little bit of clattering into walls.
When they arrived at the file room Jack braced himself to see once again the strange colors, the bent shapes, and the impossibly tall filing cabinets. And yet when he stepped inside the room he was shocked. The laws of physics had clearly been busy. The room was still enormous, but now it looked like a perfectly ordinary filing room, with row upon straight row of perfectly ordinary filing c
abinets.
Jack was even more shocked by Cthulhu’s appearance as he walked up to the cabinets. He still had the terrifying squid head and glowing green eyes, but he was wearing a black shirt and suit and had a gray tie with a tentacle pattern. He looked like an office worker. An office worker of potentially unlimited power with a tendency toward interdimensional manifestation. But an office worker nonetheless.
Cthulhu gargled furiously at Grey.
“Yes, I’m sorry, Cthulhu. I rather fear we may have been responsible for bringing them here.”
Cthulhu rasped and his maw tentacles writhed.
“We think they’re being controlled by Merlin. They’re probably trying to destroy any information on him. I imagine they’re heading for the M section. And now that the laws of physics have returned to your filing room, that’ll be easy to find!”
At the thought of files being destroyed, Cthulhu screamed and screeched at the top of his voice, making noises that left Jack’s vocal cords feeling positively inadequate. Cthulhu’s eyes widened into beaming green searchlights.
Jack shuddered. “What’s he saying now?”
“Difficult to translate…,” Grey admitted, “… without using a lot of swear words and turning my head inside out.”
“Can you give us the gist?” Trudy asked.
“Basically, Cthulhu is saying that although it’s okay to misplace, lose, fold, spindle, or mutilate files, he refuses to let them be destroyed.”
“Is he going to do something?” As Jack was speaking, Cthulhu suddenly soared into the air, borne aloft on a green cloud of energy. He didn’t even bother to unfold his giant bat wings—which Jack thought was rather a waste. Cthulhu scanned the room and then darted forward at an incredible rate.
