The Knight's Armor

by Paul Gamble

  43 In point of fact, if you were falling down a bottomless pit, you could actually be falling for such a long time you’d be able to complete a proper game of Monopoly without anyone having to resort to cheating.

  44 Which isn’t as easy to do as you think it is when you’re falling down an impossibly deep hole.

  45 During Jack and Trudy’s first adventure together, Trudy had learned that although it wasn’t possibly to survive a fall of ten thousand feet, it was possible to survive five thousand falls of two feet. Therefore, if you fall off something, it’s vitally important that you try and divide your fall into a series of manageable chunks.

  46 Interestingly enough, some people believe that this was not the apple’s motivation. Rather they believe that the apple gallantly gave its life in order to spark a scientific and cultural revolution that would change the world. Rather ironically, the people who believe this kind of thing normally have fairly severe thinking problems often after having something heavy fall on their heads.

  47 Many people will tell you that swimming is excellent exercise and burns a lot of calories. Although personally I suspect that this isn’t true; otherwise, why are whales so fat?

  48 Mr. M has just made a classic supervillain mistake. It’s important that you don’t try and overdo things. An ordinary pit with a bottom is obviously a lot more effective than a bottomless one. If you absolutely have to do something more with a pit, just put some spikes at the bottom of it. This should be the first lesson that they teach at supervillain school.

  Lesson two should be, if you are trying to take over the world—do it in manageable chunks. All at once is never going to work.

  49 Unusual is nothing more than a state of mind. Ironically, unusual is not that unusual a word to use. Out of the top 60,000 words, some people claim that in terms of usage it is number 2,048 on the list. Therefore, although the word unusual is the word unusual, it isn’t that unusual. Different people use the word unusual with differing frequencies depending on how unusual their lives have been. Over the past three weeks, Jack initially found himself using the word unusual a lot more; however, the longer he worked for the Ministry, the less he used it. The Ministry operative Grey, after everything that he has seen, uses it very infrequently indeed, as for him the unusual has become the usual. The Minister in charge of the Ministry hardly ever uses the word unusual at all anymore. As far as anyone is aware, the evil interdimensional being Cthulhu, who runs the Ministry’s filing system, has never been known to use the word unusual at all.

  50 Jack had recently started looking up the component parts of the shoulder on the Internet in the evenings. That way he could describe to Trudy exactly where it hurt when she punched him.

  51 Hilt basically means handle of the sword. I’m only explaining this here because I’ve noticed increasingly in schools they aren’t teaching sword fighting. Personally, if you ask me it’s health and safety gone mad. When I was at school we were always being taught sword fighting. It’s something I reminisce about with my old school friends occasionally. It never did us any harm. And if you don’t believe me you can ask them, good old “Lefty” McGraw, “Stumpy” Henderson, and “One-Eye” Lahey.

  52 Interestingly enough, this was only the second-most-predictable thing that would happen to Jack and Trudy in the underground chamber. You’re probably already aware of what the most predictable thing is. And you’re right, but it happens at the very end of this chapter.

  53 Which was only a very slight variation on her most recent sentence.

  54 Trudy is right about this. There is a first time for everything. Interestingly sometimes there is more than one first time. For example, there’s the first time you do something for the second time, which makes it the first time for that. But to be honest, that’s too confusing to think about.

  55 People often complain about the types of machines they have in seaside amusement arcades. Especially the machines that have claws in them to try and pick up teddy bears. The complaints are largely because the claws never actually pick up the teddy bears but merely stroke them. People say that this is unfair and that you never win a teddy bear. Of course, the mistake they are making is thinking the machines are actually supposed to allow you to win teddy bears. These machines are in fact “virtual reality” machines that accurately replicate the experience a pirate has when stroking a cat or other fluffy mammal. These machines are almost always to be found in seaside resorts—obviously because this is where most pirates used to live.

  56 It is worthwhile noting that this statement is not very wise. In some cases, practice by itself will not make perfect. A better quotation about the importance of practice comes from Steve Langston, the world’s greatest tightrope walker. “Practice makes perfect, but it’s important to remember the safety net as well. Otherwise practice just makes flatter.”

  57 If you don’t believe me, just try some Scandinavian vanilla ice cream. Your taste buds will send you a thank-you card.

  58 I’m pretty sure that because of this ringing endorsement of Irish products, the Ireland dairy product marketing board will send me a lifetime supply of cream and butter. Of course, a lifetime supply won’t fit in my fridge. So, if you’re ever around at my house and there’s a smell of slightly off milk, now you’ll know the reason why.

  59 Jack would not appreciate how true this was until Chapter 34 of this book.

  60 I say walked, but to be honest, creatures that are mostly spring don’t really walk; they more sort of undulate.

  61 Or at least it glared at Grey as much as is possible when one is largely made of a long coil of wire with some red and black balls strung through it.

  62 The difference between science and magic is simply that in science, you tell people how the trick was done. Which, when you think about it, is pretty stupid. This is why David Copperfield lives in a mansion in Las Vegas and most scientists live in small flats and spend their lives writing letters to government organizations begging for funding.

  63 Cthulhu was a strange, squid-headed interdimensional creature of pure evil that ran the Ministry’s filing department. He didn’t like people much. Or things. Or things that weren’t people or things. Cthulhu was capable of manifesting himself in several dimensions at once, so you know that when he turns up things are about to get very weird indeed. Jack was quite rightly terrified of him.

  64 Yes, I know that this seems like a rather lousy explanation, but it’s the best I can do. People often pretend they have created a new color and say “it was a sort of greenish blue.” But that’s just turquoise. To describe these colors, I would need to invent a whole new language. And then you would have to learn that whole new language. And I’m pretty sure that neither of us is prepared to make that kind of commitment.

  65 Cthulhu’s daughter was the Kraken, a giant sea beast that lived in Lough Neagh.

  66 Work in the Ministry is incredibly dangerous and as a result the accountants who work in the Ministry Pensions Department are in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the longest-known tea breaks in the Western world. No one knows how they put in their days, but it is interesting to note that of the last four Sudoku world champions, three have worked in the Ministry Pensions Department.

  67 Although for the life of him Jack couldn’t think of one.

  68 At least it remains unknown until Chapter 37.

  69 Just to be clear on this, no one likes being the sidekick. And if you’re the sidekick for long enough, you’re going to end up hating the hero. I’m pretty sure that at this stage Robin only sticks around because he wants to see if the Joker finally gets to kill Batman. After all, if Robin didn’t want to see Batman get captured or killed, why would he wear such a bright and gaudy costume to attract the attention of villains?

  Of course, Batman is a brilliant detective and already suspects this:

  “Merry Christmas, Batman.”

  “Umm, Robin, I can’t help noticing that you got me socks again this year. Are you trying to tell me something
?”

  “Why no, Batman. Now let’s talk about updating your costume again. I’m thinking of something in neon pink, possibly with a ‘target’ motif.”

  70 One of the best things about pigeons is that they will carry a message to its destination no matter what the message actually contains. Even if it’s a recipe for a tasty pigeon stew. Because pigeons are efficient, but not very intelligent.

  71 Unlike the sausage rolls sold in the Ministry cafeteria, these were not military-grade sausage rolls.

  72 Empirical is basically a fancy way of saying “evidency.” But saying “evidency evidence” sounds a bit silly. So, scientists tend to use the word empirical instead.

  73 For a full explanation as to why shaving a beard to make it smaller is more sinister than a completely hairy face, see The Ministry of SUITs Book 1, Chapter 6.

  74 Jack was sure about this, but he was also wrong about this.…

  75 People in Northern Ireland seem to enjoy Popsicles no matter what the weather is like. It is almost as if they might have a little ice cream–loving Viking blood in them. They also have a lot of black-and-white cows. You do the math.…

  76 Thus showing the problems that can be encountered if you undertake these kinds of adventures without wearing a health-and-safety-approved horned Viking helmet.

  77 For those of you who are wondering, this is from the poem “The Lake Isle of Innisfree.” I’ve used it because it’s a brilliant poem written by W. B. Yeats. Well, to be honest, that’s only part of the reason; the other part of the reason is that Yeats died in 1939 and therefore can’t sue me for copyright infringement.

  78 Jack felt slightly awkward upon learning that Mrs. Emerson’s first name was Tania. He always believed that adults shouldn’t actually have first names. It made them feel a bit less grown-up somehow.

  79 Technically children aren’t allowed to hit children either. But for some reason this is generally regarded as more of a guideline than an actual rule.

  80 Which he didn’t.

  81 Since the invention of Twitter many social scientists have worried that we may have reached “peak sarcasm.” (This is mainly a joke for economists. So if you’re not an economist please feel free to ignore and read on. If you are an economist, you’re welcome. Now get back to your day job and make sure you give us a bit more warning the next time the world is about to go into financial meltdown.)

  82 I think we all know this isn’t true.

  83 It is interesting that the Misery cried at the end of Charlotte’s Web, because he wasn’t similarly affected by all children’s books. In fact, he was actually quite callous about some of them. Although he hadn’t told anyone that he was currently in talks with a publisher to sign a deal for a children’s book sequel he’d written called Velveteen Rabbit 2: Velveteen Rabbit Stew.

  84 Incidentally, if you ever buy an invisibility cloak off eBay, it’s essential that you check the user policy on returns. Because sometimes they’re selling an invisibility cloak, but sometimes they’ve just taken a picture of an empty coat hanger in an attempt to fool you. And I refuse to get caught a third time with that particular scam.

  85 One legendary story about invisibility involved the magician Mo the Great. Mo spent much of her life trying to develop an invisibility cloak and astounded her colleagues when she eventually created one. She demonstrated its existence by letting them feel the cloak with their hands—because obviously, they couldn’t actually see it.

  Many people were amazed at the cloak and offered to pay several fortunes to own it. However, a young girl witnessing the demonstration pointed out that the cloak was actually of limited use. After all, the cloak was invisible and people could see right through it. Therefore, when you put it on, you didn’t actually become invisible. It was the cloak that was invisible, not you. People saw through the cloak and to what you were wearing underneath. This meant that the sole purpose of the cloak was that when you wore it you were slightly warmer than you appeared to be.

  Many people have suggested that in the tale “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” the emperor was not naked at all. He was just wearing an invisibility cloak.

  86 Although he couldn’t actually see himself doing that.

  87 Personally, I don’t know why the whole Hansel and Gretel problem happened at all. I mean, why did the witch want to eat children? It wasn’t as if she was short of food—her house was made of gingerbread.Gingerbread!

  88 Some of you may wonder why the witch chose bread for the oven—but it really was the most obvious choice. Any other food type would burn if used as an oven. However, the bread oven just gradually turned into toast, which the witch was then able to sell on to local cafés.

  89 Before they left the stall, Jack leaned over and pulled the flush lever, because that was the kind of socially responsible person he was.

  90 There are many enormous magnets in the world. The world’s largest electromagnet is the Hadron Super Collider. Not only does this magnet attract metal, but also it draws scientists from all over the world to work at the super collider. All the scientists continually state that it is an honor and a privilege to work there. In fact, the only complaint they have about their work is that they have to eat all their meals using bent cutlery.

  91 Television was invented in 1925 by John Logie Baird, a Scotsman. If you’ll study the history of science you will soon learn that the Scottish invented more things than almost any other nation. Mostly because if you live in Scotland, it’s normally far too cold and wet to go outside and play.

  92 Anyone with an ounce of sense can tell that running the world really isn’t that much fun. Just watch a politician try to smile. It looks as if someone has attached fishing wire to their mouths and is pulling their lips apart.

  93 And to be clear, that means in all dimensions. Being a multidimensional creature, Cthulhu’s going to be wise to people who merely stop existing on one plane of existence. And apart from anything else, trying to trick him like that is going to make him really mad.

  94 Or the Arabian cutlasses, for that matter.

  95 It is worthwhile noting that back in the Middle Ages there were an awful lot of battles. Mainly because there was nothing else to do and, frankly, a battle was a good way to spend the evening. Your choices of entertainment in those days were either going out and getting involved in a battle or staying at home and waiting to see who caught leprosy first.

  (If you don’t believe that entertainment works this way, please consider this fact: Before we invented the Internet we had two world wars; afterward, none. If we do have a future world war at some stage, they’ll have to make battlefields Wi-Fi hotspots; otherwise no one will go. Which would be good…)

  And even if we had to have a world war, these days it would probably be delayed so long that we’d forget what we were all fighting about before it even started. “France, are you coming? We’re going to start invading now!” “I’ll be there in a minute. I just need to update my status to ‘participating in conflict.’ And then I need to tweet my followers with the hashtag ‘deathtotheenemy.’ And then I need to decide what pattern camouflage jacket I’m going to wear from the choices on Pinterest.…”

  96 Arthur would later admit, in a slightly guilty way, that this wasn’t actually a completely original idea. He was close friends with a man called Artemis, who worked in the castle laundry and he might have mentioned a similar idea to Arthur at some stage (see Chapter 22).…

  97 Remember? All the way back in the first chapter—since people bought their goods measured in the king’s hands and feet, they really, really liked kings to have large hands—so they could get more for their money.

  98 In fact, this is one of the very few occasions when the answer to the question is soooo very obvious that it would be perfectly acceptable and polite to answer this question with “Well, duh!”

  99 Technically dragons don’t breathe fire. They breathe oxygen and they burp fire. But dragons are frightfully formal and well-mannered in general, and so they don’
t want people thinking that they go around burping all the time.

  100 It is interesting to note that in sending out a knight, kings were actually making dragons even more deadly than they already were. Which just goes to show you, all too often when you try to help, you’re only going to end up making things worse.

  101 I’ve fact-checked this and can confirm that both of these facts are correct.

  102 Interestingly enough, this is only half the reason that Jack stole the tinfoil from his house. Not only would it help deflect the magnetic waves, but when his parents got up in the morning they would have to call off their picnic idea. After all, they would have no tinfoil to wrap their sandwiches and chicken legs in.

  103 Jack is, of course, referring to the classic of children’s literature The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis. Which I can thoroughly recommend. (Although, having said that, if you only have enough money to buy one of C. S. Lewis’s books or one of mine, please buy mine. Because, frankly, C. S. Lewis died ages ago and he doesn’t need the cash to buy a hot tub for his back garden the way I do. I know it isn’t right to be begging like this, but I really don’t have a choice, since my agent, Gemma, told me it isn’t appropriate to put up a Kickstarter page to get a Jacuzzi.)