A Rehearsal for Love

by Alexandra Warren

  &

  “You ready to do this, Malia?”

  I only sighed, knowing my real answer was an emphatic, “Hell no.”

  But there was no turning back now. We were already here, already in front of the door that I had sworn off stepping inside of, ready to do exactly that. My heart was beating faster than any tempo that I had ever danced to and my hands were literally trembling as I prepared to knock. But once I felt Blaise’s hand squeeze my free one, I grew more confident in giving the steel door a few taps.

  I stepped back, waiting for any sounds of my mother answering the door. And when I heard nothing, I stepped up to knock again. But my hand only got to the point of hovering when the door was finally yanked open.

  “Forgot how to use your damn keys?”

  I pulled my hand back down to my side, biting my lip as I answered, “Uh… no. I just wanted to give you a warning.”

  Her face twisted as she asked, “A warning? Oh child, please. I knew your sorry ass would come back eventually. I mean, where else would you go? I’m actually surprised you lasted this long.”

  Before she could get too arrogant, I stated the real reason for my visit. “I’m not… coming back. I only came to get my stuff.”

  “Get your stuff? You mean those rags you call clothes? Oh, you can most certainly have those.”

  “Stay focused, Malia,” I coached to myself in my head. This was nothing new; her attacks, her insults, her… approach. She’d always try to belittle me to the point that I’d actually believe that shit.

  But now… now was different.

  Especially when I heard Blaise say, “Malia, go ahead and grab your things. I’ll wait for you out here.”

  I watched as Mama turned to Blaise with a smirk. “And what are you supposed to be? Some Captain Save-A-Hoe?”

  Blaise sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before he replied, “Ma’am, no disrespect. But I’d appreciate it if you chilled out. We’re not here to cause any trouble. Malia just wants to get her things.” Then he nodded at me to send me on my way.

  I could still hear them clear as day from my old room as Mama said, “Well Malia’s ass should’ve taken her things the first time she decided to run her ass up out of here. But who am I kidding? I know she’s not smart enough to think like that.”

  “Malia’s one of the smartest women I’ve ever met. And it’s unfortunate that you haven’t taken the opportunity to see that; to see how… talented she is.”

  I wanted to blush as I kept myself busy stuffing all the clothes I could into a duffle bag. But my reaction didn’t even get a chance to bloom as I heard Mama reply, “The only talent she has is making children she’s in no condition to keep.”

  My heart fell to my feet as she went on, “Oh wait, she didn’t tell you that, huh? It would’ve been cheaper for me to start an abortion clinic than pay for all the abortions she’s had.”

  I threw the duffle bag onto the floor as I stormed back into the living room screaming, “Mama, that’s so not true and you know it!”

  The smug look on her face made her look like even more of a villain while Blaise’s looked completely-emotionless. “Oh yeah? Well how do you remember it, Malia? Cause I remember it clear as day. Those phone calls home during your first semester of college because you had gotten knocked up like a damn fool. Talking all that shit about how you thought he loved you. Yeah, he loved your easy ass, alright.”

  The tears were already leaking out as Blaise said, “Malia…. go get your things.”

  But I couldn’t move because… how could she? I mean, I was still scarred from that moment in time, that lapse in judgment. And instead of being sympathetic like a mother should, she used it as a tool to push me into the ground.

  “Malia. Go get your things, pretty. So we can go.”

  I heard him repeat himself, but my head still felt foggy, my eyes felt clouded, and I…

  “Malia! Go!”

  Blaise’s raised voice made me jump, bringing me back to reality.

  And even though I was already a bundle of emotions, my mama still had the nerve to spit more fire at me. “Yeah, Malia. Listen to your pimp.”

  That was the final straw.

  I got right in her face to say, “You know what, Mama? I wish you hadn’t paid for me to have that abortion so I could’ve shown you how a real mother acts with her child. You’re nothing but a sorry excuse for a mom; a sorry excuse for a woman.”

  She had the nerve to laugh as she tossed back, “And you’re what exactly? Queen Bee? You must’ve gotten this foolish side from your father.”

  “Oh, you mean the father that ran away from you not because you were pregnant, but because you were such an evil bitch? The one that’s stayed away all of these years just so he wouldn’t have to deal with you? If that’s foolish, then I’m certainly like him. Would rather be like him than you any day.”

  I could tell that got under her skin the way she glided her tongue across her teeth, diverting her eyes, before she finally responded, “Well you know what, bitch? You can go get your shit and never see me again just like his weak ass.”

  And even though it should’ve pained me to do just that, to be in this position with my own mother, I returned her smug look as I stated, “Proudly.”

  Blaise

  The walk home was silent.

  There was nothing I could say to make her feel better, nothing I could say to justify anything about the visit. I mean, I had heard Malia talk about her mom before. But to see it for myself was… numbing.

  I thought about my own parents and how even when I didn’t make the best decisions, they still supported me. Even when I didn’t follow the exact path they had in mind for my life, they still supported me. Their love for me as an individual never, ever wavered. But listening to the way Malia’s mom spoke to her, it almost seemed like love never existed at all.

  And that broke my heart.

  I mean, I could only imagine how detrimental that shit was for Malia growing up, how much it probably stunted her ability to branch out, how much it probably bruised her confidence. But then I thought about my girl and how resilient she was; how she always stayed positive, remained upbeat no matter what she was facing. And that made my heart smile.

  I unlocked the studio, letting Malia in and following behind her before I locked the doors back. She took the stairs up to the apartment two-by-two, and I followed right behind her, her duffle bag shifting along my hip as I strided. And she didn’t stop when she got to the door, just barged her way through and headed straight to the bedroom. I dropped her duffle bag by the door, then followed her there only to find her taking off her clothes.

  “Pretty, what are you doing?”

  She didn’t respond until she was down to just her bra and panties. “Come fuck me, Blaise. That’s all I need you to do. Don’t make love to me, don’t pity me; just come fuck the shit out of me. Right now.”

  I sighed, trying my best not to buy in because…, “Malia, that’s not a good idea and you know it. You need to calm down; get your head right.”

  “Well fuck my fuckin’ head right!” She yelled, as she reached behind to unsnap her bra.

  I shook my head, scrubbing a hand down my face as I tried to remain reasonable. “Nah, Malia. I’m not gonna have sex with you right now. Just… chill out for a minute. Please.”

  She strolled over to me in all her practically naked glory, yanking at my pants as she said, “I don’t wanna chill out. I want you to fuck me, Blaise. So do it.”

  I grabbed her by the wrists to stop her, giving my best attempt at a firm…, “No, Malia. I’m not gonna do that. Go sit down, let me make you a drink, draw you a bath; hell, you can go dance it off in the studio if you want to. But I can’t… have sex with you. Not like this.”

  “Why not? Cause I’m not… smart enough? Talented enough? Desirable enough? Because I got pregnant by someone who I thought loved me and instead of bringing a child into this world, I made the decision not to? Because not even my own mother
gives a fuck about me?”

  “Malia…”

  “No, Blaise! I don’t wanna hear it! I’m just sick of… everything! I’m a good person, I have a good heart, I haven’t done any wrong to anyone. Why is this happening to me?”

  Watching and listening to her have a complete meltdown was something I was honestly prepared for. I mean, who wouldn’t under these circumstances?

  But instead of letting her deal with it alone, I pulled her into a tight embrace, giving her a kiss to the top of her head as I told her, “Pretty, I wish I had answers for you. I swear I do. But it’ll all be okay. I promise, it’ll all be okay.”

  I could feel her resisting my touch, but I wasn’t giving in. Even if she didn’t think she needed it, I knew for a fact that she did. We just stood there for a minute as I rocked her back and forth in my arms until she finally sunk into my hold. Then I lifted her from the floor and carried her over to the bed, pulling the cover back and laying her down before covering her up.

  Her eyes pleaded with me to join her, but instead I told her, “I’ll be right back. Just relax for a minute, alright?”

  She didn’t answer with words, only gave a little nod as she snuggled against the pillow. And before I could change my mind, I ducked out of the room, heading straight for the kitchen. I knew it was her that could use the drink, but it felt like I needed it just as much as I played the last few hours back in my head.

  This shit was… stressful.

  I never hurt with somebody before, never became apart of someone’s emotions. Even with Charlotte, there had always been some sort of wall that kept me from investing too deeply. But with Malia, even though we hadn’t set any sort of title, any sort of certainty between us, this already felt beyond that. Like she had become such a part of me already that I had no choice in not only feeling her pain, but also wanting to do everything in my power to make it all go away.

  But since that part was practically impossible in the moment, I poured us both a glass of red wine and headed back to the bedroom.

  Malia’s eyes were already closed as I sat the glasses on the nightstand before plopping down on the edge of the bed next to her. Then I began stroking her hair to soothe her, while also stealing the opportunity to get a good look at her. Even with a stream of tears running down her face, she still looked incredibly beautiful. But I didn’t want her to have tears. I wanted my happy go-lucky Malia back. So I leaned in, kissing each of her tears away as I continued stroking her hair.

  “Blaise?”

  “Yeah, pretty?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I pulled away so that I could see her eyes when I asked, “Sorry? Sorry for what?”

  She shuffled in the bed, turning onto her back and casting her eyes up towards the ceiling. “That… outburst. You didn’t deserve that. This isn’t your fault. I’m so sorry.”

  This time I stroked her cheek as I explained, “Malia, don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. Don’t you ever apologize for being… human. It happens to the best of us.”

  Her eyes remained on the ceiling as she said, “I just… I wish it all made sense, you know?”

  “Of course. But that’s life. Even when stuff doesn’t make sense, we still gotta keep it movin’. The show must go on.”

  She sighed as she closed her eyes, causing a leftover tear to surface. “I wish this was a show. I mean, at least with a show you know there’s a definitive ending.”

  “But that’s the beauty of life. You have the opportunity to rebound, to grow, to get better, up until the point where you won’t want it to end. And I’ma be real Malia, I don’t really want this to end anytime soon.”

  I was still a little shook up by the way I felt, but there was no use in fighting it. Of course I could’ve attempted to think myself out of it, called it a phase, put it in a category of temporary things in my life. But nothing about Malia and I felt temporary.

  And that was only solidified when she replied, “Me neither.”

  I didn’t want my real feelings to be mixed in with any kind of sympathy, but I couldn’t help myself as I put my lips to hers, taking a quick peck and then a second. My face hovered over hers as I looked into her eyes that were heated with an obvious passion. And once she grabbed my face to pull me into another kiss, it was game on.

  Malia

  Dance to keep from crying.

  Dance to keep from thinking.

  Dance to keep from… everything.

  I played those words over and over again in my head as I tried to avoid replaying the events of the night before in my head. Well… the events of early evening. Beyond that had been pure bliss as Blaise easily made me forget about what had happened with my mother.

  But now those early evening thoughts were back, trying their best to rush to the forefront of my mind as I tried to push them away with every move I made on the dance floor. I had been at it for what felt like hours, completely drenched in sweat as I headed to the sound system to press rewind on one of Zalayah’s new songs that would be a part of the tour. Amerie had sent the tracks to us early so that we could get comfortable with the melodies and tempo. But for me, they were coming in handy for a different reason.

  Distractions.

  So I cued up the music and went at it again, giving my all like I was already sharing a stage with the woman herself. And when the song came to an end, I practically passed out onto the floor, quickly reminded of the fact that this was easily my tenth run-through.

  “Malia. Malia, are you alright?”

  I peeked up to find Blaise hovering over me with worry in his eyes. He had been especially protective since the incident with my mother. And while I appreciated his concern, I was still confident in my answer that was a lot breathier than I expected.

  “I’m… fine. Just… conditioning.”

  He squatted down next to where I was sitting, putting a hand to my shoulder as he said, “Well you might wanna slow down on all that conditioning, pretty. You don’t wanna mess around and hurt yourself.”

  I gave him a side eye knowing good and well…, “The only place I’m sore is between my thighs. And that’s thanks to you so…”

  “Nobody told you to go all kamasutra on me,” he defended as if that had been the only reason for our seemingly endless romp in the bed.

  “And nobody told you to like it so much,” I fired back.

  His smirk was teasing as he popped up from the ground, offering me a hand in the process. “Hey, what can I say? You’re talented in more ways than one.”

  And as I took his hand, I also changed the subject. “What are you doing down here anyway? I thought you were still sleeping.”

  “Well I was until I rolled over and realized you were gone. Thought maybe you had run away or somethin’.”

  “Run away? More like run myself into the ground.”

  The concerned look on Blaise’s face quickly returned even though I had honestly said it as a joke. “You need to chill out, Malia. Save all of that energy and stamina for the tour.”

  My smile was teasing as I wrapped my arms around his waist and asked, “How ironic is this coming from the guy who tried to take every ounce of my energy and stamina all night long?”

  I was grateful to see his face relax as he replied, “That’s different. I mean, I’ve never seen legs so flexible. And I guess that’s probably a result of your dance training, but...”

  “Anyway! Run this next one with me? I need some of your professional vibes to rub off on me.” If anybody knew what it took to whip me into real shape before the tour rehearsals would begin, it was Blaise.

  Still, he tried to whine his way out of it. “Malia, come on now. I just woke up.”

  “Well what better way to start your day?” I asked, standing on my tippy toes to give him a kiss that was flavored with mint from his mouthwash.

  His arms tightened around me as he licked his lips clean of my excess before answering, “According to that kiss, I can think of a couple things. But you said you were sor
e.”

  “So dance with me. It’s practically the next best thing.” It had been too long since I let him get me all hot and bothered with dance. And now that we could act on it with no inhibitions...

  Before I could get too excited, he let out a laugh that warmed my skin. “Dancing with you is exactly what got me in trouble in the first place.”

  “Really, Blaise? I’m trouble now?” I teased, knowing he hadn’t meant it in some derogatory way. In fact, it was practically a compliment considering how far that “trouble” had gotten us now.

  Still, Blaise managed to make the moment a little sweeter when he answered, “Nah, pretty. You’re far from trouble. More like a walking bundle of fuckin’ sunshine.”

  “Yeah. Except when I demand for you to fuck me under hostile circumstances. Then I’m what?”

  “Then you’re perfect, pretty. Absolutely perfect.”

  Blaise

  “You should’ve… talked me… out of this.”

  “You should’ve never brought it up,” I answered as I dug my fingers into her thighs, keeping our foundation strong for maximum satisfaction.

  “I’ve wanted to do this... for way too long,” she said in some gaspy tone that I could hardly understand.

  Still, I was able to respond with a gaspy tone of my own, “You? I think about it… every time I walk in here.” In fact, it had been on my mind since the first time it almost happened way back when. But as I drove myself deeper and deeper inside of her, I knew I wouldn’t have appreciated the moment as much as I did now.

  Especially the little whimpers of pleasure she let out before she said, “The mirror is… burning my… back.”

  “Would you prefer the floor?” I asked without stopping.

  And I was glad I didn’t once Malia answered, “No! Hell no! Just… turn around... for a little bit.”

  “I only have a little bit.”

  “Shit! Me too!” she screamed, her arms wrapped around my neck as she bounced up and down.

  “Well hold on, pretty. Just hold on.” I punctuated my sentence with one final thrust that made her fall forward onto my shoulders as she climaxed, forced to ride the wave as I got my own. And as I worked to catch my breath after an incredible christening of the studio, I heard a round of applause from the other side of the room.