Falling Into the Black

by Caitlin Ricci

  “I’m sorry I took that from you.”

  He just stared at me for a long time. “I wish you hadn’t. But I also wish that I could have somehow made you see that I wasn’t a criminal who had run away from some short sentence either. I thought about how I was going to tell you the truth dozens of times. I knew that eventually you’d probably find out, and then it would be better if I had said something first before you finding out on your own. But I couldn’t think of any scenario that didn’t lead me right back to living with Bowman again. I admire that you have a set of laws you stick to. I think it’s great that you have that kind of conviction. I just wish it hadn’t come down against me.”

  I wanted to reach out to him and take his hand so badly. Nothing I could say or do now would change what had happened to him since I’d turned him back over to Bowman. Our only hope was me finding a way out of this for both of us, and he was trusting me to do just that.

  “I wish I could have been the kind of person who would have listened to you, had you decided to come to me before.” It didn’t matter now either way.

  I got a buzz on my console, telling me that it was my turn to go through the jump gate. I turned around and pushed us through.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Arin

  I MISSED Wish, but not for the sex that I enjoyed as I kept telling Resan. I missed the freedom of it. I’d worked for Monroe, but at any point while I was there, I could have thrown my hands up and walked out. I’d been tempted to, once or twice, when the other aspasians would drive me nuts or a particularly nasty client had faked being a decent person just long enough to get into my room. I’d always known, though, even when it wasn’t very much fun and I didn’t want to be there, that I could have left. I could have gone to Monroe and told him I didn’t want to work at Asiq anymore and he would have shown me the door. He didn’t own me. In Asiq I almost believed that no one did. I missed that the most.

  I didn’t trust Resan to not eventually turn me over to a prison planet. He was a peacekeeper. He would always go with what the law said. Even though he wasn’t following the law right then, that didn’t mean anything. In the end he would always follow that code. When his guilt wore off, when he remembered that I had stabbed a man, I was sure he would drop me off on a desolate prison planet somewhere. I’d heard of them in whispers as a child. If I didn’t do a good enough job, if I didn’t behave, that’s where they sent the bad children. Those were lies, but the planets themselves existed. They were just habitable enough to sustain a bit of life, such as it was, but not enough to actually grow anything. The planet wouldn’t be the thing that killed me when Resan took me there. It would be the other inmates. I’d killed Bowman, but I wasn’t a hardened murderer like the people there would be. I wasn’t a criminal. At least I didn’t think that I was. Resan’s definition was likely different than mine.

  I should have told him, but I doubted it would have made any difference. There was no way to say something to him back in Asiq that would have ended with me still being free, and I had refused to risk my freedom. I hated that I didn’t have it now. This was a blurred line between being free and still being a captive slave being toted around while doing my master’s bidding.

  I tried not to think of Resan as my new master, but the distinction was hazy. He owned me. Even if he said it was only words in my file, they were words that meant something to me. I’d been owned for most of my life in one form or another. Resan was just the latest in a long line of men to claim that title of master over me. Whether he did anything with it or not, he was still my master. I tried not to hate him for that as I lay there and tried to get comfortable enough to rest. I wondered what it would be like to someday be able to sleep without having my guard up. To be able to sleep through the night at all without the nightmares coming to invade what should have been my time to relax. I didn’t remember what it was to sleep without seeing Bowman’s face over me or to feel the remembered pain tearing through me. I hoped that now that he was dead, things would be better for me. Maybe in a few years, I would be able to sleep without thinking about him and dreading his heavy footsteps coming up to my room just before he climbed into bed with me. I needed to live long enough to be able to have a night without him in my thoughts.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Resan

  EYDRIS WAS a planet made completely of rock and ice. It had been beautiful to me once, a long time ago, but not so much anymore. Now it was only a barren wasteland covered in snow. I settled my shuttle along the high cliffs just south of the tiny capital of Stanger.

  “This is your safe place?” Arin sounded doubtful.

  I nodded and turned off my ship. “Wrap yourself in all the blankets you can find. I have warm clothes in the house, but walking there isn’t going to be fun.”

  I went to the door and opened it to a harsh blast of frigid air. Arin hadn’t moved off the floor. “Well?”

  “I’d rather take my chances on Wish. I don’t like the cold. And what exactly was your plan? Leave me here? For how long? Until I got old and died?”

  Sighing, I closed the door again. The ship was far warmer with the outside world cut off. I sat back down in my chair and stared down at him. “Going back to Wish isn’t an option right now. Not if you expect to stay off a prison planet. Here isn’t exactly a relaxing vacation either, but it is safe, and I need a place to stash you until things calm down, and you’ll be safe out there in the universe.”

  He glared at me, and I tried to quickly come up with a better solution for us that would not only hide him, but would also keep him safe. “Give me two days here. Then I’ll move us again.”

  “Maybe you can put us on an active volcano or something next.” He wrapped the blankets around his shoulders and grumbled something to himself I couldn’t hear.

  I opened the door and pushed him out ahead of me. The cold physically hurt as it blew around us. I rushed him up the hill to the hidden entrance to my home in the cliffs. From the outside it was just the rocks. But inside had all the comforts I’d come to expect on even a luxurious planet like Wish. Or, it would, as soon as I got the house heated again.

  “Is that seriously a fireplace?” Arin knelt down beside me as I tossed the instant fire cubes into the stone fireplace, and seconds later we had light and heat. “Nice.”

  I smiled at him and stood back up. “I’ll get us something to eat and drink.” He settled down in front of the fire, and I left him there as I went into the tiny kitchen. I made us some tea and some instant protein sludge. It was nutritious, though hardly worthy of being called food. I was nearly apologetic when I handed it over to him. But he took it without a word and began quietly eating as if he was starving.

  We sat silently in front of the fire together as the wind blasted against the sides of the cliffs outside. I shivered and drank my tea. When I was done, I made us some more. Arin stayed silent. When he was done eating, he got up and rinsed out his bowl. Then he took all of his blankets and made a bed for himself on the couch.

  I hadn’t meant for him to take the couch, but I didn’t say anything to him either. I went into the back where the bedroom was. There was no door, and I only removed my jacket and boots before I got between the sheets. The whole place was dusty, including the bed, but I couldn’t bring myself to care as I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.

  A FEW hours later—though I couldn’t be sure exactly how long it had been, since I had no windows and my holoscreen was in my bag back on the ship—Arin climbed into bed next to me.

  “You’re not going to get to have sex with me,” he said before I was even mildly awake.

  That really wasn’t a problem for me. “Okay.”

  “I just wanted a place to sleep that was more comfortable.”

  “Whatever you need.” I was back to sleep pretty quickly after that.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Arin

  THE WIND sounded like Bowman’s heavy breathing. I knew it wasn’t, but every time I closed my eyes, that’s what I re
membered. I hated that no matter where I went in the universe, there he was as some dark reminder of a past I very much wanted to forget about.

  Lying beside Resan helped. Some. He was very clearly not Bowman. He didn’t breathe like him or smell like him. And he didn’t force himself on me. Beside Resan I was able to remember that I was free from Bowman, but not what I’d done to him. Still, Bowman was dead. He would never hurt another child again.

  I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but the wind kept reminding me of my past. Instead I focused on Resan. On the parts of him I liked. His skin was gorgeous. I loved how dark purple he was and that there were parts of him, especially around his neck, that were almost the same color as his black hair.

  I liked his smile too. And the easy way he laughed. I liked that he had always defended us, even when a client was just being a little grabbier than we would have liked. That wasn’t anything an aspasian couldn’t handle, but he had always stepped right in.

  I remember his worry over me taking too many clients in a night. I’d been fine, but he’d been concerned for me. It wasn’t that uncommon for an aspasian to overwork themselves, especially at first. Being needed by someone else so completely was intoxicating, and it was a drug many of the guys there fully indulged in.

  Resan wasn’t Bowman. I knew this, and I forced myself to focus on that fact, and also how dead Bowman actually was, as I tried to relax enough to get some sleep. It wasn’t easy, but eventually my heart rate did slow down, and my mind stopped racing with the fear of being found again. Resan might be taking me to a prison planet in the future, but at least I would never be going back to Bowman or anyone like him ever again. That was something I took comfort in as I lay there, trying to go to sleep well after Resan had started to softly snore again.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Resan

  WHEN I woke up, Arin was in my arms, and his lips were against my neck. It was nice to be held again. I had sex all the time when I was in Asiq, but this wasn’t anything like that. This was Arin seeking comfort from me for whatever reason, and I wasn’t going to tell him no.

  I held him for at least an hour, and when he began to stir, I let him go easily.

  He gave me a shrewd look as he sat up. “Did you try anything while I was asleep?”

  I rolled my eyes. “No. Of course not. Steam shower is through there.” I pointed toward the bathroom, but he didn’t move.

  “I want you to take me back to Wish.”

  That would be almost certain suicide for him. “No.”

  “Resan….”

  I shook my head. I’d promised him that this would be okay, and taking him back to Wish was almost the complete opposite of that. “No. Absolutely not.”

  He was stubborn, though, as he lifted his chin at me. “Resan, take me back to Wish. Unless you want to start treating me like your slave and ordering me around and dragging me along with you, then let me go back there. You belong there, and so do I. You need to decide whether or not I’m actually your slave or if that was only something you were doing to try to keep me safe.”

  “You could be taken by another peacekeeper,” I warned him.

  But Arin only nodded. “I know. And if that happens, then I’ll handle it. I won’t get you or anyone else in Asiq involved. But Resan, I need to go back there. I can’t live my life on the run, always hiding out and looking over my shoulder. I’ve spent most of my life being afraid, and I can’t do that anymore. So please take me back. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t make me live this life.”

  I put my hand on his shoulder. “You know what you’re asking. Don’t you?”

  “I’m asking you to take me back to a place that peacekeepers know to look for me. If anyone asks, I’ll say I kidnapped you. That way your life isn’t impacted by this at all. But I refuse to keep running. So if you don’t take me back to Wish, I’ll figure out how to get there myself.”

  Which would probably involve stealing my ship again, which would leave me stranded here until Em could come get me. I groaned and dropped my hand from his shoulder. “Fine. I’ll take you back to Wish. And you can hide out there for as long as you are able to.”

  He smiled at me, and that should not have made me as happy as it did. “Good. Thank you.” He leaned over and quickly kissed me on my cheek too, before getting off the bed and going into the bathroom. A few minutes later, I heard the steam shower turning on. “It’ll be great to be back on Wish with the hot running water and fresh fruit and all of Monroe’s chocolates everywhere. I never thought I would miss chocolate so much after only being away from it for a short time.”

  I laughed. I knew what he meant. I missed everything about Asiq too, and I couldn’t wait to get back there.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Arin

  I BELONGED on Wish. I knew things would be dangerous for me there. I was Resan’s slave, in name, but I had killed my former master, and there was nothing Resan could do to keep me from facing that punishment. If I had to run again, then I would. But I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to jump around. I didn’t want to always be at the mercy of everyone else. And I didn’t want to rely on anyone but myself to keep me safe.

  I did not enjoy the thought of being tied to someone else ever again, including someone like Resan. He seemed nice enough, and while it was true that he’d never hurt any of us back in Asiq, I didn’t trust him not to be a peacekeeper. He was what he was. It was as simple as that. I was an aspasian. I was good at my job, and I enjoyed it. He was a peacekeeper. He’d sworn an oath and everything. That clearly mattered to him, and so I wanted him to be able to uphold what he’d promised to do—which was to follow the laws of the universe to the best of his abilities. His world was black and white, and mine most definitely wasn’t. We couldn’t exist in each other’s worlds, but I figured that we could live side by side easily enough if we had to.

  This would be the best thing for us both. I would have some of my independence and my freedom again, and he would have his friends. So would I. All of us aspasians were friends there in Asiq. We didn’t compete with each other, and we stuck up for each other. We looked out for each other too. Asiq was not the place to be antisocial, and few introverts ever survived there more than the first two weeks. I was lucky. I had years of training pretending to hide my emotions behind me, and I could flirt, and I could have sex, even when I wasn’t particularly enjoying it. That was my choice, though. Everything on Wish was my choice. That was the difference between working at Asiq and living with Bowman, and I would choose being at Asiq any day of the week over what I had endured all those years with Bowman.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Resan

  IT WAS so good to be back on Wish a few days later. There was sunshine, sand everywhere, bright colors from the market, and flowers hanging from nearly every windowsill. This was paradise to me. As soon as we were back in Asiq, the aspasians crowded around Arin to hug him and fluff up his hair. The shower, even though it had only been steam, had helped to get him a lot less dingy looking.

  Before he could get too comfortable, I pulled him along and we went to Monroe’s office. I knocked, but he didn’t answer. So I knocked again. And then a grinning Sythe with short black hair answered the door. His uniform was a mess, and he only looked slightly embarrassed by his state of attire.

  “You must be Resan,” he said as he looked up at me. “You helped save my brother once.”

  That would have made him Thierry, Corbin’s little brother. And Monroe’s lover. I nodded. “I am. This is Arin.” I laid a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Is Monroe available? He’ll want to see us.”

  “Tell him to go to Corbin,” I heard Monroe call from inside the office.

  Thierry laughed. “Corbin is busy.”

  Monroe was still fixing his pants when he came up to the door as well. “Yes, but you just got here.” He gave Arin and me a glare. I tried to hold back my smile and appear serious.

  “I’ll be here as soon as you’re done.” Thierry kissed
him quickly, then darted down the hallway. It was good to see Monroe looking so unamused by having guests. I knew that he must really care for Thierry, despite all of the years I’d heard they’d been apart.

  “Come in, and make this quick,” Monroe said.

  I pushed Arin in ahead of me and noticed first that Monroe’s desk was a mess, which it never was, and also that there were some buttons, which could have easily come off of Thierry’s jacket, scattered around the floor. I did smile then. I was happy for them both. Maybe having Thierry around would put Monroe in a better mood for once.

  I made sure the door was shut tightly behind us in case anyone wanted to overhear our conversation. Then I pushed Arin into an open seat. “He murdered his previous master and locked me in the basement with his body. The peacekeepers know where to look for him of course, and they know what he did.”

  Monroe sat back and pinched the bridge of his nose. I hadn’t wanted to bring this all to his doorstep, but Arin hadn’t given me much of a choice when he’d insisted on coming back to Asiq, with or without my help.

  “I won’t be a problem. And if more peacekeepers come for me, I’ll go quietly this time,” Arin pleaded.

  Monroe shook his head. “I had peacekeepers here looking for you. It’s already a problem.”

  Arin hung his head. “I know. I’m sorry.” He sounded so miserable that I had to do something to comfort him. I put my hand on the back of his neck, and he lowered his head farther under my gentle touch.

  “What if we dyed his hair? It wouldn’t be much of a way to disguise him, but it would be something,” I offered.