“Why the hell would you do that?”
“Because… Hell, I don't know. I don't know if I want children. Especially if I don't know their mother well enough to have them with her. I've been working with this girl for two months now, and I don't even know her last name.”
“Then how do you know?”
“Because you and dad were right. I'm counting down the seconds until I get to be inside her again.”
“Do your parents know about her?”
“No, and please don't say anything.” I beg, knowing my pleas are falling on deaf ears. I know my mom and when Lane returns she will bombard him with questions and back him into a corner and he will have no choice but to give up the information.
He laughs knowing he can't make that promise, so instead he offers a suggestion: “Maybe you can bring her to Chicago for a weekend. Let her meet the family.”
“She's not really the ‘get to know her’ type. Honestly, I know next to nothing about her. She's constantly apologizing for stupid shit, she's so jumpy that I have to approach her from the front before speaking, and when I ask her a question, she's so cryptic. It's frustrating to say the least.” I find myself ranting a little bit; it’s been awhile since I’ve had someone to talk to. I’m reminded that these things I’m complaining about aren’t annoying coming from her. They’re actually endearing, making me want to be the one she can trust and open up to.
“Sounds like someone hurt her, maybe even abused her. I mean if she's afraid of you, something must’ve happened.” Lane blurts his theory without thinking and it's almost like he punched me in the gut.
Why didn't I see it? I'm a fucking cop for Christ sake. Putting the pieces together way later than I should’ve, I realize Nicola is still afraid. I've noticed her looking over her shoulder a million times almost like she doesn't feel safe and I’ve been thinking with my dick too much to notice the signs. Damn. I want to protect her from whatever it is.
Nicola
Thankfully, I had two days off in a row. It was enough time to ask around and find a new job that pays under the table. I'll be working at a local church, doing their books. Depositing money into accounts, paying the bills, and scheduling weddings or other functions. The money isn't great, but it's enough to live on and it also works better because I won't have to leave Allison at night. It also means I never have to see Gavin again.
The sex between us was more than sex. At least for me it was. When it was over, I panicked because I knew Gavin would become my addiction if I let him. I’d just wanted one chance to feel, but I found more than I had bargained for. It may have been hot and fast, but I still feel the tingle of his hands across my skin. His calloused hands running up and down the length of my bare flesh like he wouldn't stop until he felt every last inch of me. The intoxicating look in his whiskey brown colored eyes as he stared into mine. Staring at me, not through me. There was hunger and need, but I saw a glimpse of something more. I refused to acknowledge what wasn't said between us. Reliving these moments leaves such a bittersweet churning in my stomach. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he felt the same way.
As I ran from the bar I had held some small hope that he would run after me, stop me, I don't know, maybe declare his love, but he didn't. Hell, he barely put up any protest. That single action told me that maybe I felt more for him than what he did me. I can't blame him; I mean I fucked him in that smoky old bar. What the hell was I thinking? Not exactly the kind of behavior one would expect from a woman any man would want to take home to meet their mom and dad. But I have to admit, just thinking about how well he filled me and stretched me, has me realizing, I'd do it all over again! I ache just thinking about it. What the hell is wrong with me?
Right now the most important thing for me to do is focus on my daughter and to live the life I had intended to live after I left Jason. Free from men that could hurt me. Though there is a void now in my soul. One that longs for the passion I was consumed by just two nights ago.
The realization hits me that I am all alone. Yes, I have my daughter, but I can't really talk to her about my love life. I can't talk about my fears. My job is to make sure she no longer has to deal with adult stuff until she's an adult. Suffering alone is my only option.
Gavin
My visit with Mallory was relatively painless. She cried and apologized more than once; I believe she left with the closure she needed. I felt as though I got closure. Not from my talk with Mallory, but from my time with Nicola.
I've heard stories my entire life about what that moment feels like. The moment you know that something’s changed; when you start waking up with new purpose in the mornings. I’ve needed something to set me right again. After my stroke, I slipped into a depression. The whole experience was very emasculating. I felt helpless laying in bed having to let some young, hot nurse change my catheter and give me a bath. From time to time, I have to admit, I wished I hadn’t survived. To be remembered as a fallen officer might’ve been a far better fate than being the endless burden to my family.
Luckily as time passed, I was able to do little things on my own again. Who knew brushing your own teeth would evoke so much excitement and joy. It was a long hard road and so many times I asked the question, ‘Why me?’ But here, and now, I’m starting to see that without all of that pain I would’ve never landed in that dingy little bar with Nicola.
Having thought my way through all of this, I'm excited to return to work tonight. I need answers, and hopefully if I lay my suspicions and concerns about her past out there she'll finally open up to me and start to trust me. And if my suspicions are confirmed, I need her to give me that asshole’s address.
Before I can even open the bar door, Jean comes out mumbling under her breath, “Oh good you're here. Could you grab three cases of Bud Light and a one case of Coors?”
“Sure,” I reply turning around to head back towards the shed instinctively, although I am caught a little off guard by her presence. Nicola never lets Jean do any of the heavy lifting.
My heart drops into my stomach as I fumble with the four boxes stacked on top of one another which are leaning on my left arm as I pull the bar door open. I whip my head around in search of her as I sit the boxes down on the floor behind the bar for Jean. As casually as possible I ask, “No Nicola today?”
“She quit.” Jean informs me with a little huff as she bends down to start unloading the beers.
“What do you mean? When? Why? Where did she go?” I bombard her with questions and I don’t mean to, I’m just at a loss right now.
“She quit yesterday! I don't know why, and I don't know where she went.” She shrugs her shoulders and picks up a few bottles at once; they make a shrill ding that has my skin crawling as I do my best to dig for answers.
“Jean, you have to know something. Where would she go?”
She rolls her eyes at my demanding tone and stops to look me in the eyes as she says, “Gavin, this is a bar. Half of the people who work here do so under the table. All for their own reasons and I've learned enough to know that if they want to share their story, they will. Nicola never did. So I don’t know where she went, I don’t even know her last name.”
The outlook for this whole situation seems pretty grim at the moment and since I can't walk off the job, I decide to take a seat in the corner and think about how to go about finding her. Where would I even begin to look? Is she running from me? It's driving me insane. Who the hell takes off like that without a goodbye? Especially after the other night.
The longer I sit here, the more I get pissed off. I thought we’d grown close enough that she would have the decency to at least explain why, if she planned on leaving. But the more I think about her, she never wanted to be known. She didn’t take five minutes out of our whole ‘friendship’ to tell me anything about her life. It dawns on me that there’s really no easy way of finding her, she doesn’t want to be found. If Jean doesn’t know, then no one really could know. I just wish I knew her damn last name.
/> Chapter 14
Nicola
I've been working here at the church for about four months, and in some ways, I’m happy. I mean, this type of work is right up my alley and during spring break I was allowed to bring Allison to work with me, which made life much easier. The pay is also slightly better than the bar, and Pastor Madden leaves me to my work for the most part. I should be rejoicing in that fact but it can get really lonely around here sometimes. If I’m being honest with myself, I miss the bar. I miss Jean and mostly, I miss seeing Gavin.
Over time, I mistakenly thought the longing would pass, but it hasn't. In fact, it only seems to be getting worse. I left too quickly, I chickened out and I was left with so many unanswered questions. Is he missing me? Did our night together mean as much to him as it did to me? I have thought about going back to the bar to ask Jean, but I’m sure she made good on her promise to keep my whereabouts a secret. She didn't know a lot to begin with, but the fact that I have a daughter and where I live is quite enough. I would look desperate if I went back asking a million questions that I’m not sure I want the answers to anyway. In my mind, he probably hates me, or worse, simply doesn't care.
Gavin gave me more than I could ever give him. He was the first person to breathe life back into me. He made me realize there could be a passionate future for me. He made me feel like a real woman, for once. For so long I’ve played the only roles I thought I should be playing, that of the submissive wife and doting mother, but he made me realize that there's so much more to me. There is so much that I had forgotten and so much more that I want to discover. Gavin wouldn’t want me if he knew about my past. I still feel tainted, but I’m starting to feel better everyday. It helped to get out of that smoky bar and get more involved in this caring community that has so many good people.
A quiet knock on the door brings me back to the present and I wipe my eyes, “Come in.”
Pastor Madden peeks in the door, “There’s a vacation bible school coming up soon and I’m not as hip as I once was with the kiddos. I need someone to come up with some fun games and activities to keep these kids busy. You interested?”
I take a deep breath and push Gavin out of my mind. After all, if the old saying holds true, then what's meant to be will come about in its own time. My obsessing is only driving me crazy.
“I would love to do that,” I answer quickly, as I always do. Distractions are always welcome.
“Bring that sweet girl of yours if you’d like. I’m sure she’d enjoy herself.” He smiles a reassuring grin as he walks back out. It warms my heart. Who better to plan for a children's event than another kid? Allison will love this.
I fire up the computer and type ‘children's birthday parties’ into the search engine to get a few ideas to pass on to the little lady I’m putting in charge of this whole operation.
Gavin
I’m back in Chicago this weekend for my brother Eli’s birthday. I thought hard about staying in Kentucky in an attempt to avoid the inevitable moment when my family will beg me to stay. Who knows, maybe I should. It’s been four months since I heard a word from or saw Nicola. Every night as I drive back home from the bar I look for her car, hoping one time it will be there. I take my time walking through all the aisles of the grocery store just in that off chance I will catch a glimpse of her. Hell, my pathetic ass still sits on my grandpa’s porch every night, hoping for headlights that will never come because she never got my damn address. So far, none of that has happened. The only conclusion I can draw is that Lane was right. Nicola has returned to a bad situation, this only re-confirms that you can’t fix stupid.
As I’m walking up to the doors of my childhood home, I feel an unfamiliar tightness in my stomach; I’m nervous. I haven’t seen my parents in months. They respected my need to get away; they knew it was important for me after everything that happened. I’ve always been thankful for them respecting my decision.
Pushing the knot in my stomach aside, I open the door to my family home. Immediately my mom throws herself into my arms, deep sobs shaking her small frame. I hold her a little tighter and kiss the top of her head and whisper, “Hi mom.”
“Hi son. I’ve missed you so much.” She chokes out through tears.
My dad comes over and embraces both of us, without saying a word. He claps me on the back and clears his throat, turning away without looking me in the eyes. He doesn’t like to show any emotion, but that moment says it all. In all my life, I’ve never seen my dad shed a tear. I think he cried when I was shot because he came into my room with red-rimmed eyes, but he’s never cried in front of me.
After a few moments I hear my brother Eli clear his throat. “Does this mean I’m not the favorite son anymore?”
I laugh a little as I leave my parents embrace to go shake my brother’s hand. I can't help but genuinely laugh as he pulls me into a bear hug. “Happy you’re home brother.”
“I wouldn't miss your birthday. Besides I need to get drunk with people who aren’t ninety.” I laugh out loud. Man, my life is a real bore lately.
“Well I can get you drunk.” Eli informs me. “But first I need to head to work for a little bit. I’ll meet you back at Hanson's later today.”
“You’re working on your birthday?” I question.
“Yeah! We’re all working around the clock. Haven’t you heard?”
“No! Heard what?” I ask.
“Chicago is on the hunt for a serial killer. Eight women dead. If I have anything to do with it, there won’t be a ninth.”
With my curiosity piqued I question, “What’s the M.O.?”
“Young college students. All drugged at a frat party so no security cameras. They are kept alive for a few days while the suspect tortures and terrorizes them.”
“Where are the bodies found?”
“Always a different park but their bodies are all posed the same way. The sick fuck always leaves a recording to show us their final days.”
Fuck! The hair stands up on the back of my neck as my mind starts spinning. I can't get too deep in my thoughts though as I see my family watching my reaction. I know they see the wheels turning in my head. To keep them from getting too hopeful I simply say, “Good luck.”
Eli nods over his head and walks out the door. Surprised since my dad didn’t follow him I ask, “Aren’t you going too?”
“No, not unless someone finds something new. This guy's good and if I’m being honest I’m afraid we won’t catch him. Not a single hair has been found on any of the bodies. No bodily fluid. Not one single fiber. He bleaches their bodies on site,” says dad shaking his head.
Mom takes this moment to chime in “So, enough about work. How’s Kentucky?”
Deciding to keep my answers short in hopes of steering the conversation away I simply state, “Boring, but peaceful.”
“Have you made any decisions about coming back? I don’t want to push you but your leave of absence is almost up.” My dad reminds me.
“I’m thinking about it.” I reply.
I can see the hope in my mom's eyes as she starts talking, “What’s keeping you there Gavin?”
Crap! I hadn’t planned on telling them about Nicola, but honestly I need advice and it’s been months since I’ve said her name aloud. Plus it helps that my brothers and cousins aren’t here to give me a hard time. Besides Lane, they’re all still chasing pussy.
“Before you get too excited. I met a girl.” I admit and watch as my mom's eyes grow to the size of golf balls.
“When? What’s her name?” Mom joyfully asks.
“About a week after I moved to Kentucky and her name is Nicola. But I don’t think it’s going to work.”
In true dad fashion, my dad asks the question he always asks, “Have you fucked her?”
“Maddox please!” My mom shoots him a stern look as she scolds him and all I can do is hide a smile and just nod my head yes to answer him. So he continues.
“So either you want her again or you don’t. If she’s the one
you’d know.” he says in all seriousness.
“Well I haven’t seen her in four months. The night after we were together she took off. It’s like she completely disappeared.” I inform them of this unfortunate situation and have to clear my throat before speaking again. The ever present ache in my chest returns, and for the first time since Nicola took off, in the safety of my family, I can admit that I'm lost and more than a little bit concerned. “I want her dad. But I can’t find her and she must not want me to find her because she knows where I work.”
“Why do you think she took off?” my mom wonders aloud.
“That’s the thing I don’t know. Lane and I think maybe she was in an abusive relationship. My guess is she was stupid enough to return to it.” The more I start talking, the more pissed I become and the words I’ve been holding back start flowing freely. “I don’t even know this woman really. So why am I obsessing over her? She isn’t my type at all. I always thought I’d fall for someone… well like mom. Strong, independent, confident and friendly. Nicola is none of those things. She’s weak, she’s skittish, and she’s so closed off. If she’s stupid enough to stay in an abusive relationship then maybe she deserves the life she’s living. I can’t fix stupid. I mean honestly those types of girls do not appeal to me.” I realize I’m rambling so I stop and I wonder what the hell has my parents looking the way they do. My mom is hanging her head and my dad now looks pissed.
My dad storms out of the room slamming the door behind him. Curious, I look to my mom and say, “What?”
“Just leave it alone Gavin,” she whispers still not looking at me.
Well I can’t just leave it alone so I start to head out to find my dad and my mom calls out, “Gavin please leave it alone.”
Ignoring her plea, I head out to the back porch where my dad is standing. His hands are resting on the rails and his head is down. “Dad?”
Gavin (Made From Stone Book 2) Page 7
