Holding a Hero

by Layne, Lyssa

  “Yeah. We’re just…friends.”

  I nodded. “Friends. Who just happen to garden together.”

  “Exactly. Really, really impressive gardening skills by the way.” Her hand reached up to pat my chest. It was ironic really, to be friend zoned while I was standing there naked, my dick still within inches of her.

  “Well, friend. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. And I’m just guessing, but Aunt Deb probably won’t let us sit down at the dinner table looking like this.”

  She shook her head, laughing. Then she closed both arms around my neck and repositioned her legs higher up enveloping my waist. “To the shower.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I was all too happy to oblige. Lifting her up from the counter, it took all of three steps before I lowered her back down and we were both standing in the tub. It was the first chance I’d gotten to really look at her. She was fucking spectacular.

  I could feel my mouth stretch into the same ridiculous smirk it was taking on now every time my eyes lingered on her. Like the mere sight of her made me feel things that simply couldn’t be contained on the inside. I’d had a stone-cold poker face once upon a time. Clearly, that shit was now history.

  CHAPTER NINE

  My legs were still shaking when I stepped out of the bathroom. I was pretty sure it was from the post sex adrenaline still surging through me at high speeds, but there was a small part of me, okay - it was getting increasingly bigger by the minute - part of me, that was scared I might be in the middle of a full blown anxiety attack and just hadn’t noticed it yet.

  I could feel Derek walking behind me even though he was no longer touching me. Which, of course was what I had wanted. Touching post sex would imply that it had been more. That there would be more. And there couldn’t be. Not between us. Not while I had to deal with Travis and needed Derek to be my stand-in husband. Maybe if my track record with men had proven to be more successful, I would have been open to the idea of enjoying the possibility of a budding romance in correlation to the fake relationship we were building, but the past had proven time and again that I couldn’t keep a man.

  And I couldn’t even blame the guys. I was pretty sure it was mostly me. I was bossy, independent, snarky and even mean, prone to crushing male egos without even noticing while rarely apologizing after. It was never intentional. I just hadn’t ever been particularly tactful or charming.

  I came from a family where a battle of insults was considered the highest form of affection. A solid dose of genuine sarcasm was about as close as you could get to an ‘I love you’ and generally speaking, bullshit was taught to be called out, not practiced. The Kelleys didn’t pussyfoot around people.

  Somehow Bobby had fared better with our upbringing than I had. He could blatantly insult people to their faces and they would respond by laughing hysterically, even after he assured them he wasn’t kidding.

  Girls were even more responsive. One of Bobby’s most successful pick-up tactics was approaching the hottest girl he could find, tapping her on the shoulder, then making a face when she turned around and muttering a ‘never mind’ as he walked away. Those dumb bitches would follow him every fucking time. By the time they were done cursing him out, he was buying them a drink and sealing the deal.

  Meanwhile, I’d been living with the reputation of being a bitch since freshman year in high school. Not that I minded. Those who knew me understood that beneath all of that cold, crass personality, I was hiding a pretty solid heart. There wasn’t much of anything I wouldn’t do for the people I loved. Only somehow, most guys didn’t seem to feel it was a particularly redeemable quality when I wasn’t able to stroke their tender egos or accommodate their need to be in charge.

  Point being, Derek would likely come to similar conclusions eventually. Sure, he seemed to be temporarily entertained by my wit and willingness to make an ass of myself – my only two points of attraction when it came to the male species – but that would hardly be enough to sustain a relationship long enough to secure me custody of my son. No, we would have to stay friends. I was much more adorable and forgivable as a fun buddy who put out on occasion than I was as a girlfriend. Being one of those always came with expectations I couldn’t begin to fulfill. Mostly, because I never wanted to.

  “Did you guys already eat?” I stared blankly at the cleared table in my dining room.

  “Hell yeah, we ate. Do you have any idea how long the two of you were in that bathroom?” Underneath Aunt Deb’s disapproving tone, I definitely detected a sliver of mockery. “How dirty did you two get?”

  “What?” Derek looked slightly shocked by the question.

  “She meant the mud, you idiot.” I slapped his shoulder for selling us out. Not that she hadn’t already known exactly what we’d been doing in there. Still, I generally preferred not to confirm things she could eventually use against me, and this was just the sort of thing she’d be prone to throw in my face if the opportunity lent itself to doing so.

  “Anyway, you must both be starving after all of that physical activity.” She brought two large pasta bowls filled with Jambalaya over and set them down on the table.

  At the same time, Derek seemed to be struggling to conjure up an appropriate response.

  “She’s still talking about gardening. Relax.” I played with the new t-shirt he was wearing, encouraging him to follow me and take a seat at the table. It was weird seeing him in Bobby’s clothes, but it was by far the better option over having him walk around with nothing more than a towel folded around his waist.

  “I was actually talking about your little romp in the bathroom, but if you’re more comfortable pretending that my insinuations are really harmless references to your gardening activities, by all means, we can all continue assuming each other’s ignorance and enjoy the bliss of it.”

  Like I was saying - around here bull shit was called out, not practiced.

  “Holy shit, Deb. Can you put off murder by mortification until after we’re married and he helps me win my case?”

  “Seriously. Do you realize I have been shot at and wasn’t as scared as I am right now. Sitting here. With you two.” Derek’s fork was shifting through the rice repeatedly, like he was too frazzled to scoop up an actual bite or something.

  Of course, Aunt Deb was too busy cracking herself up to give a shit about either one of us.

  “Good grief, you’d think the two of you would be a little more relaxed after getting some. You’re more uptight now than you were before you had your hoo-ha recharged.” She was shaking her head and having a good chuckle while putting up the last of the dishes. “Are you sure you guys did it right? Oh well, guess it doesn’t matter. You’ll have plenty of time to practice.”

  I couldn’t even look Derek in the eye anymore. I just stared down into my bowl, wondering if there was anything big enough in there I could shove into Deb’s mouth just to keep her from saying anything else. Aside from one particularly large jumbo shrimp I wasn’t willing to part with, I didn’t have much to work with.

  “Just treat her like any other wild animal,” I mumbled preparing to take my first bite. “Keep calm, don’t run and for the love of GOD, do not make eye contact. It will only encourage her.”

  We sat in awkward silence until my aunt finally finished in the kitchen and went to join Wyatt in the living room, a bowl of fresh grapes in hand.

  “Just to be clear,” Derek whispered, “I was doing it right…right?”

  My head shot up in an instant. I was mid spoonful and a trail of sauce was running down my chin from the unexpected interruption. My mouth opened, prepared to say something…anything…who the hell knew what though.

  None of it mattered. The gleam in his eyes gave him away even without his smirk.

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “Just trying to hold my own around here.” He grinned at me and I couldn’t help but think how much this friend thing I had insisted on was really going to suck ass.

  After dinner, Wyatt roped us all in to
play a round of Go Fish, his current favorite, before he let me wrangle him off to bed without too much of a fight.

  “Mommy?”

  “Yeah, baby.” I was shifting through our most recent score from the library in search of something that would entertain Wyatt while still keeping me from wanting to stick forks into my own ears just so I wouldn’t have to hear myself read it. Then I found the stack of Prudence Hayes books and knew I was good to go. Wyatt loved little Hazel Spellinwitch and, given her refreshing sense of humor, so did I.

  “Things are a lot more funner now that Derek is here.”

  I placed the book in my lap as I felt my heart sink. “Things weren’t fun before?”

  He shrugged innocently. “They were. But we haded too many girls. I like having another boy.”

  I lifted my brow skeptically. “Are you sure it’s not his dog you like so much?”

  Wyatt grinned. “Maybe.”

  I sighed, relieved that I hadn’t failed him any more than my mother had me. She’d been cheap in the pet department as well. A few dead goldfish and I’d never graduated to anything bigger. Or furrier.

  “Well, lucky for you, they’re both going to be around for a while.” I reached up and tucked his blanket around his shoulders.

  “Because you and Derek are getting marrieded.”

  I nodded, trying to seem as casual and matter of fact as I could. “That’s right. Does it bother you at all, Monkey? Mommy getting married?”

  He wriggled his arm free and thoughtfully tapped his mouth with his finger. “No. I thoughted all boys and girls get married.”

  “Close enough.” I’d save the more in depth conversation for a few years down the road. “Alright then. You ready for this book or what?”

  Wyatt quickly dug his arm back under the covers and posed himself in the perfect sleeping position. “I’m ready.”

  And so I began to read. He was out before I even reached ‘the end.’

  ***

  “You know, she isn’t going to make this easy for you.”

  I’d been zoning out to the sound of the TV and the tone of Deb’s voice registered with a slight delay.

  “What?” I rolled my head to the left to get a better look at her sitting on the couch beside me.

  “Joss. You like her.”

  Suddenly feeling like I needed to be on top of my game for this conversation, I pulled myself up from the comfortable slouch I had settled into and crossed my arms as if they could shield me from whatever intrusive line of questioning Aunt Deb was about to pelt my way.

  “Of course I like her. I mean, she’s great.”

  She shook her head, a clearly condescending laugh escaping her lips. No, escaping was the wrong word. That would imply that she had in some way, shape or form attempted to hold it in, which I’m quite sure she had not.

  “Okay.”

  “How are you laughing at my answer? That was a completely legitimate way to respond.”

  “Sure it was. That was the perfect way to respond. Of course the only time people respond that way is when they really hate someone, or -”

  “Or what?”

  “You know.” She winked at me as she stood up from the couch and went to leave the room.

  “Wait.” I hurried after her since she gave no indication of stopping. “Whatever you think is happening between Joss and me, it’s not. I mean, yes I like her. Yes, things got a little extra friendly in the bathroom and yeah, I agreed to marry her. But, seriously, we’re just friends.”

  “Oh, I know that.” She waved her hand dismissively like she hadn’t just finished suggesting the exact opposite.

  “Then what were you talking about?” We were standing just outside of the hall that led down to the bedrooms, and part of me had a sinking feeling that this would end badly if Joss overheard even a fraction of this conversation.

  “I was talking about your feelings, not your status. Joss is going have you locked down in the friend zone for all eternity unless you do something about it. And even then, she’ll shoot you down every chance she gets. So, if you really want in past those iron gates she’s using to keep her heart out of circulation, you’re going to have to prepare for battle, soldier.” Deb actually lifted her hand in a salute.

  “Seriously? You’re taking it there?” This family was fucking nuts. Why the hell that made me want to be a part of it even more, I’ll never understand. “Fine. I might have feelings for Joss that reach beyond the realm of friendship, but she’s not there. She wants us to stay friends and I’m okay with that. Especially with everything she has going on right now, I get it. It’s cool. Making sure she and Wyatt are safe from this Travis guy has to be what’s most important right now.”

  If I thought I was making my case, I was way off. Aunt Deb gave no indication of someone who had seen reason. Instead, she gently patted my arm and nodded, a distinct sheen of mockery flashing in her eyes. “And you’re absolutely right.”

  Then she gave my arm a slight squeeze before turning away and moving on to the kitchen.

  I was about to follow her to continue my argument when I heard a door creak. I watched Joss creep out of Wyatt’s room and quietly tip-toe her way down the hall.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  “Just talking to Deb on her way to the kitchen. Heard the door open and figured it was you.” It was basically true. Minus a big ass chunk of conversation.

  “You taking off for the night?” She sounded almost disappointed. I wish I had known if it was because of Travis lingering out in the darkness somewhere or because she genuinely wanted me to stay. Either way, my answer was the same.

  “Nah. Figured I’d crash on the couch tonight. I’ll swing by my place in between jobs tomorrow and pick up whatever I’ll need while I’m staying here. Start making that transition now.” I had to clench my fists repeatedly to keep from reaching out and touching her. She was so fucking beautiful. Even now, with her hair pulled back and the loose strands dangling down to her shoulders and around her face, no make-up and wearing a pair of faded, stretched-out sweats and a wife beater, all I could think about was getting her up onto another counter somewhere. Then again, she’d been covered in mud the first time around, so it stood to reason she would turn me on under pretty much any circumstances.

  “Oh, good. But you don’t have to sleep on the couch. I mean, if we’re going to start transitioning and letting Wyatt see us as a couple, we might as well get used to sharing a bed.”

  I shrugged. “There’s no time like the present.”

  And apparently there wasn’t. Next thing I knew, she was walking away from me, headed down the path to her room. When she reached the door, she looked back to find me still glued to my spot on the edge of the hall. She shook her head and gestured for me to follow.

  It felt strangely wrong to do so. Not because I didn’t want to sleep in her bed. The opposite actually. It felt wrong because I wanted to sleep there. Even if I had no right to be there. No right to want her. No right at all. And I knew that. I knew it no matter what Aunt Deb said and no matter what my body was telling me. Joss wasn’t the only one who knew we were better off just staying friends. My head had been telling me so ever since I’d found out about Wyatt. I just hadn’t been listening. But things were changing. Things were getting too real. Too confusing. It was time to get my shit straight. The simple truth was, no matter how fucking taken I was by Joss, she was a mother. And no mother would ever be able to forgive the things I’d done to someone else’s sons.

  CHAPTER TEN

  For some stupid reason I’d thought sharing a bed with Derek would mean he would sleep on one side and I would sleep on the other. Maybe I thought that because I hadn’t ever shared a bed with someone. Well, not to sleep anyway. Which suddenly led me to a rather uncomfortable realization about myself. I mean, how fucked up was I when the prospect of sharing a space with someone until morning seemed like too much of a commitment? Pretty effing fucked up, I’d say.

  But I didn’t have ti
me to worry about that. No, I was way too busy freaking out about the fact that come three a.m. I awoke to find myself spooning, yes, SPOONING with the man beside me. I knew for damn sure we hadn’t fallen asleep that way. What the hell had happened? Mortified, I wasn’t sure whether to move or lie stiff as a board. Not that he didn’t seem to be a willing participant, albeit not exactly a conscious one. The way his arm was draped around me while his face seemed perfectly nestled in a fluff of my hair collecting near my neck, he didn’t really strike me as being forced into anything, let alone uncomfortably so.

  Which meant I had to re-examine my feelings on the issue. Was I uncomfortable? I mean, mentally, obviously I felt the whole thing was less than kosher. But physically, I couldn’t deny that it was about as cozy as I’d ever felt. Then there was all the emotional crap to go along with it. I felt safe. And not like Travis the asshole couldn’t hurt me safe, although I was pretty sure he’d get stomped if he tried anything, but safe like it was okay to breathe. Maybe even cry. Sounds stupid, but it wasn’t.

  Day in and day out I kept my shit under lock and key. For almost four years I’d held off grieving my best friend. I’d stuffed down my fears about losing her son as well. Denied myself the time to doubt my abilities as a mother because failing was not an option. This child had no one else left. Not that I hadn’t cried, or screamed or puked my twisted guts up over the whole mess. I’d just done it in spurts, never long enough, or big enough to do more than take the edge off. There wasn’t time, and there wasn’t strength. All of mine was already wrapped up in taking care of someone else. Lying there with Derek it was almost like he was gifting me some of his, and I almost felt like I could accept it.

  “Why aren’t you sleeping?” I almost jumped straight to the ceiling when I heard the rumble of his deep voice in my ear. As if he’d anticipated my reaction to be precisely that, I felt his arm tighten around my waist at the exact time my muscles tensed, preparing to escape.