Holding a Hero

by Layne, Lyssa

  Aunt Deb looked like death warmed over all afternoon, guilt and fear eating her alive. She was being way too hard on herself. Joss thought so too, and saw to it that Deb took some time to lie down while Joss attempted to make dinner. Twenty minutes later the pizza guy was at the front door.

  By the time Joss was putting Wyatt to bed, the worst of the day seemed to be forgotten. We shared our banana, as usual slipping most of it to Hattie when Joss wasn’t looking, and then even performed our little rap for Darius and Abe. After a loud round of applause, Joss scooped Wyatt up into her arms and strolled out of the room down the hall that led to his bed.

  While Joss was busy with the little monkey man, I walked Darius and Abe outside.

  “How much longer you think this will go on?” Darius asked when we reached the Suburban.

  “At least until the judge makes a decision regarding custody. After that, who knows? If Joss wins again, I’m not sure he’ll ever stop.”

  Abe scratched his jaw thoughtfully. “What’s the plan?”

  I turned my head out toward the surrounding darkness. Night had come quickly. Or maybe it just seemed that way because daylight was so much more preferable these days. “Not sure yet. But I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”

  Darius gave me a pat on the shoulder before he got in the truck. “You know we’re in, whatever you need. Just call.”

  “I appreciate that. Thank you for everything. Especially today.”

  “No thanks required, brother.” Abe grinned over at me from the passenger seat. Then, they took off.

  Back inside, the house was silent. Aunt Deb had gone straight back to bed after pizza and from the looks and sounds of things, Joss had called it a night as well.

  When I stopped by Wyatt’s room on the way to ours, I found her curled up in his bed next to him.

  I went in and gently tapped her shoulder. “Hey,” I whispered. “You staying in here tonight?”

  She turned her head up at me. “I want to, but considering I’m hogging his bed and blanket, he’d probably be more comfortable if I didn’t.” She smiled crookedly and held out her hand for me to take.

  I tugged her up off of the low toddler bed and together we watched him sleeping peacefully a few moments longer before we finally forced ourselves away from his bed and out of his room.

  Only his peaceful sleep didn’t last long. Joss and I were barely settled in bed ourselves when we heard him cry out.

  Joss practically leapt from the mattress and I wasn’t far behind her. She rushed into his room and gathered him up into her embrace, close to her heart.

  I stayed in the doorway, out of Wyatt’s sight, not wanting to intrude on the comfort only his mother could offer him. I listened as she quietly sang him one lullaby after next, all the while rocking him in her arms the way I imagined she’d probably done since he was just a baby. It wasn’t long and his frightened whimpers faded and he fell back to sleep while in the safety of his mother’s arms. My heart swelled at the sight of them both.

  “I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you here.” The words were so quiet for a moment I had hope that I’d actually just thought them, much like I had intended to. Judging by her expression though, that had not been the case.

  Joss never interrupted her gentle swaying or humming, but shot me a look that made it pretty clear she thought I was full of shit. Typical. She needed convincing.

  “I’ve loved women before you, Joss. But this, this insanely intense feeling spreading through my heart and threatening to burst it, this I’ve never felt before.” I slowly stepped into the room, toward her. Stroking Wyatt’s soft hair I whispered, “I don’t know. Maybe it’s so strong because there’s two of you this time.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I couldn’t even answer him. Couldn’t tell him he was insane. Or that I loved him, too. And I did. God, I was so in love with that man I didn’t even know where to put the feelings anymore. Of course, because he was Derek, he didn’t need me to say anything. He simply kissed the top of Wyatt’s head, placed another peck on my cheek and then placed his hand on that sweet spot of my back and began to lead us all from the room.

  Our big moment wasn’t followed by a passionate kiss or sensual love making. It didn’t include a verbal gush fest of reasons we adored one another. There were no demands. No promises. No expectations or claims for each other’s souls. It was simple and beautiful. Real.

  Once in our own room, Derek took Wyatt from my arms, careful not to wake him, and placed him tenderly down in the middle of our bed. Then, with the covers still pulled back, he stood there, waiting for me to climb in beside my son. It wasn’t until Wyatt and I were both settled, that Derek walked around to his side of the mattress and laid down as well.

  Both of our arms reached across my son, and we held each other tight, silently smiling at one another over the top of Wyatt’s little head. Perfectly content with each other enveloping our most precious commodity even if it resulted in us not enveloping each other in a hot entangled sexy mess. Because Derek had understood from the very beginning that loving me meant loving what I loved most, most.

  Come morning, I felt like I was waking up to an entirely new reality. An exciting new world where love wasn’t something I feared, it was something I felt, both on the giving and receiving end. In truth, our days were beginning and ending the exact same way they had been for weeks, the only difference was that I was no longer fighting with myself, was no longer hiding or denying. I was in love. Someone was in love with me. Aside from falling in love with my son, I’d never encountered something so empowering and all-consuming in my entire life. After all the years I’d sworn it didn’t exist, I was grateful to have been proven wrong.

  This new happy place we’d carved out for our little family seemed to be ours exclusively. No harm or negativity could penetrate it. Not even Travis. Until Wednesday came around again, and we were sitting side by side with him in court once more.

  We’d started the day with a slew of character witnesses taking the stand on Travis’s behalf. His lawyers had been thorough, digging up everyone from old teachers to his new father-in-law who couldn’t stop talking about how happy he was that his daughter and grandchildren now had a man like Travis in their lives, and how he was the best thing that had ever happened to them. While I listened to his drivel, all I could think about was the destitute horror this woman must have endured to make living with Travis an improvement.

  It was nearly lunch when the opposition’s side had finally run out of witnesses and the judge called a recess. When we returned, it was time for my side to take the stand. Aunt Deb and Bobby were both on standby at the nearest park, prepared to take turns staying with Wyatt, who wasn’t due in court himself until the end of the day.

  First up was Derek.

  Diane spent nearly twenty minutes grilling him on everything from his own childhood to how he saw his role in Wyatt’s life. The entire time, my heart was nearly bursting with pride while I continued to give myself repeated imaginary pats on the back for getting at least one thing in my life so fucking right.

  Then, Diane took her seat and Travis’s lawyer stood up to ask Derek his own set of questions.

  “Mr. Tice, you mentioned that you were in the Navy before you started your own business as a contractor. How many years did you say you were active for?”

  Derek’s hands were calmly folded in his lap, but I could tell he hated talking to the guy simply because he was there on Travis’s behalf. “I enrolled in the Navy straight out of high school and then went on to become a SEAL shortly after for a total of thirteen years of service.”

  The attorney nodded. “And I assume you saw a great deal of action during those years?”

  Derek frowned, like he was trying to anticipate where this line of questioning was headed. “You don’t sign up to be SEAL expecting not to. I was overseas more than I was on American soil.”

  The lawyer looked satisfied. “I see. Ever kill anyone, Mr. Tice?”
/>
  “I object, your honor.” Diane was up on her feet. “The man is a war veteran. I think we can all agree that his actions overseas were on behalf of our country and should in no way be construed to be anything but honorable in this court today.”

  The judge agreed. “Sustained. Counselor, please move on to a more pertinent line of questioning.”

  “Yes, your honor. I am actually building up to it.” He turned back to Derek. “While you were overseas, did any of your missions ever end badly? What I mean is, were any of your killings ever investigated for any reason?”

  I could feel my insides turning to stone, the weight of everything threatening to make me crumble right then and there. Something was about to happen. I didn’t know what, but judging by Derek’s expression, a pained one of guilt and anguish, I knew it was going to be horribly and irreversibly bad.

  Diane who had never bothered to take her seat interjected again, “I object your honor. How is this relevant?”

  The judge sent a questioning glance toward opposing counsel who assured him, “Oh, it is, you honor. I believe you’ll all see why as soon as the witness answers.”

  Judge Parrish nodded. “I’ll allow it. Objection overruled.”

  Diane sunk into her chair, a hint of worry pooling around her lips.

  “Mr. Tice. Your answer?”

  Derek cleared his throat. “No. I have never been investigated for any of my actions.”

  The lawyer squinted skeptically. “Not even when your troop was responsible for the murders of seventeen minors under your lead?”

  There was an audible gasp in the room. I thought it’d been Diane. Then I saw her staring at me and realized I’d been the source of it.

  My eyes locked on Derek, who was fixed only on me when he responded, “No. Not even then.”

  ***

  Court had been a complete fucking disaster. After, Joss wouldn’t even speak to me. And who could blame her. Not only had she found out that I was a child killer, but I had done undeniable damage to her case. Even if I hadn’t done anything legally wrong, there was no way it wouldn’t be held against me in some way that I’d essentially been responsible for the deaths of seventeen boys.

  Diane had done her best to clean up the mess my past had made in court, and maybe it had even been enough. But there was no one coming to my defense when it came to Joss.

  The remainder of the afternoon went by without her so much as looking at me even though I was seated only inches from her. We were no longer a united front fighting for a common cause. We were broken. Fucking destroyed by something I could never undo.

  When court finally let out, Joss took off without a word. Diane cut me off in the hall before I could run after her.

  “What the hell was that today?” she hissed. “Didn’t I specifically ask you if there was anything they could use against you?”

  “The whole thing was classified, Diane. I couldn’t have told you even if I wanted to.” My eyes darted through the crowd of people heading for the doors, trying to spot Joss and Wyatt. I didn’t know what was worse, them leaving without me or them being out there with Travis.

  “If it’s so Goddamned classified, how the hell did the other side know about it?” Diane demanded.

  Fuck if I knew. “Lucky guess? The media caught hold of the story after it happened. They had hardly any information, but they ran with it anyway. Blew everything completely out of proportion.” I peered down at my hands. They were balled into fists. All of my anger was flooding to them, ready to explode, but there was no one and nothing to hit. “My contract was up shortly after and I didn’t re-enlist. They must have lined up the dates and just taken a stab at it, hoping they’d hit dirt. Which they did, obviously.”

  Diane’s anger seemed to be dying down and even slowly morphing into concern. “For what it’s worth, whatever happened over there, I know you’re a good man. You’re a soldier who probably had to do unspeakable things for the sake of our safety and freedom. That doesn’t make you a murderer in my book.” Her lips pressed together in a pained smile and then she was gone, too.

  By the time I got to my truck, there was no sign of Joss anywhere. I tried calling her repeatedly, but by the seventh time, she’d shut her phone off and it was going straight to voicemail. I didn’t bother leaving any messages. She’d never listen to them anyway. Plus, she’d warned me from day one, they’d only piss her off.

  When I finally pulled into the driveway, Bobby’s car was parked behind her Bronco. He came stalking out onto the front porch before I even turned off the engine.

  “I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to be here right now, man.” Bobby was standing there with his arms crossed against his chest, like he thought he could in some way keep me from walking in that door.

  “I have to be here. This is my home. That is my family.” I pointed at the house behind him. Joss’s house. Our house. It contained everything I loved most.

  “Look, I know you want to run in there and tell her your side of the story, but she’s not ready. She’s fucking losing it right now.” A slight grin crept onto his face. “I’m telling you, man, I’m blocking your path for your own safety.”

  “I don’t need you to do that. I do need you to let me go in so I can see her. I’d rather not have to move you out of the way myself.” I tried my damnedest to sound like I was at least halfway joking, but it hardly came across that way.

  Bobby stepped aside at last. “By all means. Enter at your own risk.”

  And I did.

  I could hear Aunt Deb in the kitchen with Wyatt, but bypassed them both to go find Joss. She was in the bedroom, busily throwing all of my belongings into a pile on the floor while Hattie looked on in confusion.

  “Oh good. You’re here,” she snapped when she saw me.

  “We need to talk.”

  “Yes we do. How fast do you think you can get all your shit out of here?” She tossed a handful of my shirts into the growing mound at her feet.

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “Fuck yeah, you are.” Her eyes – the ones that were usually smoldering with a heat that made me melt just being in their gaze – were now cold as stone. No feelings poured from them, not even hatred. They were just dead. “We don’t need you, Derek Tice. Sorry, but you’re going to have to find a new cause to help you ease your conscience. Wyatt and I can’t be your path to restitution anymore.”

  I swallowed hard. She fucking knew exactly where to hit me. “You really think that’s the reason I’m here?”

  She stopped what she was doing. “Can you honestly say it played no role in any of this? Come on, I know you. I may not know what happened over there, but I know you, and there’s no way you could live with hurting children. Even if it wasn’t your fault, even if it wasn’t you personally, you would take responsibility for it. And then you would move forward trying to save every child who crossed your path, because somehow, that would make you feel like you could make right what went wrong. Maybe you could never undo it, but you could find some small sense of peace in knowing you saved someone else’s son. Eased someone else’s mother’s heartache. It’s a nice sentiment. It really is. But I can’t be that mother anymore. And you’re done using my son.”

  “How can you fucking say that to me? Fine, yes, what happened over there broke me. It fucking broke me. And maybe I walked away thinking I could pay forward what I could never pay back. And, fuck, but yeah, it played a part in my motivation for wanting to marry you. The moment Bobby told me about Travis and what he had done to you, all I wanted to do was keep you and Wyatt safe from him.” I took a step toward her. “But that wasn’t the only reason, Joss, and I know that you know that. You have owned me from the first time I saw you standing outside the Flying Monk. The first time you fucked with me and had a good laugh about it after. Joss, I’ve wanted you since long before I even knew Wyatt existed, let alone Travis.”

  She was biting the inside of her lip. A good sign since it meant she was at least thinking about wh
at I’d said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  My hands fell to my sides in surrender. “I was scared. You’re a mother. Your sun rises and falls with Wyatt. How could you ever look at me the way you have these last few weeks if you’d known the truth?”

  “How am I supposed to look at you now?” she breathed. Tears were rolling down her soft cheeks and all I wanted was to kiss them away, but I couldn’t.

  “What can I do, Joss? Tell me how to fix this?” Because I had to fucking fix this.

  “Tell me the truth.”

  I nodded. “Alright. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you all of it.” I closed my eyes as the images of that night flooded my mind as if on cue. Then I began. “There were eight of us. We were told to go in at night, find the target, take him out and then leave again like we’d never even been there. Only, the information we’d been given was wrong. When we entered the part of the compound he was supposed to be in, he wasn’t there. Just his wife and two kids. We retreated immediately, leaving all three unharmed, but her screams alerted the guards. Before we knew it, men with machine guns were swarming the area. It was pitch-black out and even with our night vision goggles on, we could only make out figures. Two of my men were hit. We had to get out, immediately. And we did that by any means necessary. It wasn’t until the next day that we learned the ‘men’ who had shot at us were only boys. Ages ranging from twelve to sixteen. That’s how young they are when they’re torn from their families and forced to pick up guns and start killing.” I couldn’t turn my head to face her. “I didn’t even use my weapon that night. I was busy carrying Darius. He’d been hit multiple times and was barely conscious by the time we got out of there. But it was my mission. My orders, my men, my responsibility.”