Holding a Hero

by Layne, Lyssa

  When we finally got home an hour later, I was exhausted. All I wanted was to get into bed and enjoy at least ten hours of sleep, but Levi had to clean my tattoo before we could get into bed. He took a quick shower while I waited for him, sitting on the couch watching a low budget horror movie. It was so bad, I was laughing when I should have been scared.

  I’d changed into a sports bra and boy cut panties before Levi came out of the shower and he cleaned the tattoo with tenderness, inflicting no extra pain. He applied ointment and pulled me into his arms on the couch. We shared a few kisses and snuggled together, but too soon, my eyelids grew heavy and I could no longer hold back the need for sleep.

  With my cheek resting against his bare chest, I could hear his heartbeat pounding regularly beneath my ear. It was the most beautiful sound ever, and I decided I would never get tired of listening to it. It relaxed me and made me feel connected to him. He slipped his hand underneath my underwear and cupped my behind, skin on skin.

  He fell asleep a few minutes later. I spent a couple more minutes enjoying this moment of closeness, but I eventually lost the battle with fatigue.

  When I heard someone unlocking the front door, I naturally assumed it was Bekka, getting home from work. I kept my eyes closed because I wasn't ready to move just yet and Bekka wouldn’t be bothered about us lying here together on the couch. I feather-kissed across his chest and his arms tightened around me possessively.

  ''Phoenix Maxim Silverstone!'' Mom’s ice-cold voice shocked me to my core and I jerked away from Levi, sitting up to stare at her in disbelief. Her unexpected arrival couldn’t possibly have happened at a worse time. She’d caught me half naked, sleeping on the couch with every possible part of my body intertwined with Levi’s. My tattoos were on display and so were his. I couldn't lie about what she’d seen or hide it from her.

  ''You’ve been away from home for less than two months and this is what you’ve become?'' she shrieked at me.

  I glanced at Levi with a look of apology and tears in my eyes, before turning back to my mother. I was an adult, in my own home and I could live my life as I wanted to. I needed to explain it to her, and hold my head up high. I’d done nothing wrong. ''Mom...''

  ‘‘Don’t... just don't, Phoenix,” she snapped angrily. “You’ve gone far and beyond every nightmare I had about you. You disgust me. You and your... your...''

  ''He’s my boyfriend,'' I stated calmly.

  ''Everything I taught you, everything we discussed, weren't you listening to any of it?'' She had tears in her eyes, but they weren’t sad tears. They were angry tears of disappointment. ''What have you done to your own body?” She gave Levi a dismissive look. “He’s bad news, Phoenix. Bad news. What did I tell you about men like him?''

  ''He’s not bad, Mom.'' I wiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks with the back of my hand. ''I love him.'' I took a deep breath. ''I tried to find someone you would approve of, but he didn't care about me, Mom. Tristan was sleeping around. Levi isn’t...''

  She interrupted before I had a chance to defend him. ''I am done with you Phoenix. DONE! I did everything I could to save you from yourself. You’re like your bastard of a father, exactly like him and I don't need this sort of stress in my life.''

  ''I’m sorry, Mrs...'' Levi sat up, looking angry at the verbal onslaught Mom was assaulting me with.

  ‘‘Don’t even talk to me! I hope you intend to take care of her now, because I certainly won't!” She sniffed angrily, her eyes flashing with fury. “Not that I would expect a low-life like you to intend hanging around for long. People like you are the scum of the earth.” She turned her attention back to me. “I came here because I dropped in at the music store and learned you had quit.''

  ''I work in a club now.'' I said, not meeting her glare and still reeling from the verbal attack she’d subjected us to. ''It pays well and I like it.''

  ''Look at me Phoenix.'' I did as she asked. ''I will get the rest of your things delivered to you here. Don't call us, don't visit us. I am done with you and no longer have a daughter. I did everything I could to save you, but you just want to fritter your life away. You’re just like your father.''

  Levi stood up and pulled me into his arms protectively. “Now just hang on one damn minute...”

  He was too late. ''... so disgusted...'' I heard Mom say as she slammed the door behind her, leaving the apartment.

  I slumped onto the couch. ''Congratulations. You just met my mom,'' I said to Levi. ''For the first and most probably the last time.''

  ''She’ll calm down and regret everything she just said,'' Levi said, dropping onto the couch and trying to comfort me.

  I burst into uncontrollable sobs. ''She won't... she won't... my dad, all my life, she tried to keep me away from everything similar to him. The tattoos, parties... she’s right. I’ve become everything she warned me about.''

  ''Phoenix, look at me... please...'' Levi begged, but the sound of my own name made me sick.

  I’d always known she wouldn't approve of Levi. The tattoos, his choice of career, even the type of car he owned wouldn’t be acceptable. None of this was a surprise but her action of disowning me when I was her only daughter... I couldn't believe it. I was heartbroken.

  ''Don't say my name... I don't like the sound of it. I just keep hearing my mother’s voice,'' I begged.

  ''Nix, my Rock Star, you’re beautiful, strong and free. I know it's your mother we’re talking about here, but she just made the biggest mistake of her life.'' He was peppering my forehead with kisses between words. ''I have to say I’m sorry as well. It's my fault, not entirely, but I’m responsible for a big part of the issue. I’m not what your Mom wanted for you.'' He cupped my face between his hands. ''I love you, Nix. I know we’ve only just gotten together, but I love you and I'm sorry for dumping this on you now, for being everything your Mom hates. But I’ll be by your side as long as you want me, okay?''

  ''I love you too, Levi, so much, but please, don't feel responsible for any of this. She’s been brainwashing me all my life about people like you. People with tattoos, the bad boy type, she’s always told me they’re dangerous, evil. People like my dad. She doesn't want me getting hurt like she did, but she just has the worst possible way of dealing with it.''

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to stop crying. ''I think I’m going to go lie down in my room now. I need to relax.'' My whole body was trembling and I was cold, still stunned by the fury of Mom’s anger.

  ''Are you sure?'' he asked, sounding worried.

  ''Yeah, I just need to regain control, think about what happened for a bit.'' I kissed him softly. ''I love you.'' I pulled away from him and immediately felt bereft. I walked to my bedroom, closed the door quietly behind me and fell onto the bed, pulling the comforter over my body. I curled up and snuggled against one of the pillows.

  My mother had always been so proud of me, for the most part. Maybe not when I almost overdosed, but when I had good grades she could barely contain herself. We would go for dinner at one of my favorite restaurant in Seattle and she would get my favorite cake as a special treat. Nothing like that would ever happen again.

  I wanted to call Bekka and tell her everything but I felt too tired to grab my cell phone from the nightstand. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up when my heart was healed. When would that be? The pain in my chest was indescribable.

  Mom was right, I had changed a lot in two months. I’d done everything she’d warned me against. I’d made out with a date on a crowded dance floor, I’d decided in a heartbeat to make love with Levi, I’d had two tattoos done, one of them big enough to cover half of my waist. She was right about every single thing, I’d done everything she’d told me was not to. She was wrong though, despite doing everything she’d told me would make me miserable, I was happy. The new liberty I’d discovered had made me believe I was truly living my life for the first time.

  I must have drifted off into an uneasy sleep, because when I woke, the sun was piercing through the
curtains and the voices on the other side of the door were disturbing my sleep.

  ''She’s been locked up in that bedroom for over twenty hours. I have to get in there, Bekka! There’s no noise coming from her room, and I'm freaking out!'' Levi shouted.

  “She’ll come out when she’s ready, Levi,” Bekka argued back. “Give her time.”

  “She’s had enough fucking time, I want to make sure she’s okay!”

  They were arguing over me, it wasn't good. I couldn't let this happen.

  ''I'm alive. I’m up.'' My back hurt and my legs felt like I had ran over ten miles the day before. I got up, tried to stretch but stopped because it made me dizzy. I walked to the door and unlocked it slowly. I was nervous as to what to expect from Bekka or Levi. I didn't want puppy eyes. I just wanted to survive this. Before I knew it, Levi had lift me into his arms and he was hugging me with all his strength.

  ''Never do that to me again. It took every ounce of control I have not to trash your door. I was going crazy. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel. I’m here, little star, I’m here.'' He waited for me to look at him. ''For you.''

  ''What the hell, Nix? That was so selfish. We were going crazy here. Never lock that door again. We have a right to know that you are alive and fine.'' Bekka was furious.

  ''I’m sorry... Please accept my apologies. I needed time out.'' Levi put me back on my feet. I covered my face with my hand and rubbed my puffy eyes. ''I'm okay now. I think I’ll be fine. I knew she wasn't going to approve. Her loss.''

  ''That’s it? You aren't going to try and talk to her. You aren't going to mope around for a month?'' She asked with a surprised tone.

  ''Look... when she said she was done with me, I believed her. I failed her in every way possible. I know that and you do, too Bekka. You know her. It will be a day to day type of thing. Some days will be better than others and that’s just how it's going to be, that’s all.'' I explained.

  ''Just know that we are here for you, star. We are.''

  ''I know.'' My eyes were tearing up again, as if my body still had tears to shed. ''Thanks guys.''

  Both of them looked exhausted, their eyes were small and they looked overly tired. ''Have you guys slept?''

  ''We haven't, I think I'm going to go now. I’ll see you later, sister.'' She hugged me good night and walked to her room.

  ''Are you still tired?'' my man asked me. ''I can barely stand on my feet. I have to clean your tattoo and go to bed. I have an appointment this afternoon.''

  ''Go. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you all this anxiety.'' My bottom lip started to tremble. I didn't want to cry again, but I was too emotional to hold it back. Inhaling sharply, I pulled myself together. ''Okay, let’s clean the tattoo and we’ll go and lie down, okay?''

  ''Hey Nix, come here one second,'' Levi demanded. I stepped closer to him, keeping my gaze focused on his bare chest. I wasn’t certain I could control my tears if I saw sympathy in his green eyes. Levi waited a second or two, then spoke again. ''Look at me.''

  I slowly raised my head, meeting his intense gaze.

  He brushed his knuckles across my cheek, the gesture incredibly tender. ''I want you to talk to me. If you need to cry, I want you to cry. I’m here for you, okay?'' I nodded slowly and he gave me a winsome smile. ''Now, let me kiss you.''

  He lowered his mouth to mine. His kiss was intense, deep - as if he needed the comfort as much as I did. His lips were warm against mine and his heady scent was reminding me of the first morning in the kitchen. I wanted him to make love to me, but I knew now wasn't a good time. He was exhausted and he needed to sleep. I’d been selfish enough in the last twenty-four hours, without taking more from him.

  He cleaned the tattoo before he lay down on his bed. He wrapped his arms around my waist, drawing me close to him and I loved the sensation of being wrapped up against him. I pressed my ear against his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

  Despite my best efforts, my thoughts returned to Mom. I couldn’t decide what would hurt more - knowing someone you loved was alive and well, but you couldn't never see them again, or them dying. Both options were terrible, but I thought the first one was worse. At least if Mom had died, I would grieve for her and move on, knowing she’d loved me. In the situation I found myself in, every day, I would have to live my life, knowing she was alive and refusing to have anything to do with me. The thought of her hating me, disowning me was almost more than I could bear.

  There was no way I would be able to sleep again now, not with the maelstrom of worry spinning around in my brain. I still felt exhausted, but it was mostly stemming from being so emotionally drained. This would be a grieving process, just as if Mom had died. I had to accept her decision – whether I liked it or not – and go ahead with my life. I imagined it would take weeks or even months before I would come to terms with what she’d done.

  I'd always chosen to give life time to show me the right course of action. There was no other way to survive this time, except to take each day as it came and deal with the repercussions of Mom’s decision. Maybe someday she would get over her anger and call me again. Or maybe, someday I would discover a way to be happy again without her in my life. Either way, I had to try and be optimistic – there was no other way to deal with this.

  With all these different thoughts swirling around in my head, I thought I was on the verge of going crazy. With my head resting on his chest, Levi was already sleeping. Even though I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to stay here with him. His presence made me feel better and I was stronger with his support. My mother thought he wasn't good enough for me, but I knew she was wrong. Every touch, every word he spoke, every smile - he constantly proved how much he cared, and treated me with so much respect and love.

  I laid one hand against his chest. ''I love you Levi,'' I whispered.

  ''I love you, too.'' He mumbled sleepily. He squeezed me gently and fell back into a deep sleep.

  If my life with him could be this good every night, being in his arms like this, I wouldn't need anything else. As long as I had him, I would be happy. With this thought in mind, I drifted back into a deep sleep.

  When I got out of bed later, I looked around the apartment restlessly, and I started to wonder. Is this where I wanted to be? Maybe I would like to get out of here for a while? My whole life had taken place in this city. I had done everything and seen everything the city had to offer. I loved it, but maybe it was time to get out of here. Of course, Bekka would never approve, she would never let me go. Especially not now Val was gone. I was certain Levi would follow me, but what about his shop, his business which was so important to him? His life around here?

  I was in a state of confusion after the nap with Levi. Mom hadn't called to say she was sorry, that she’d made a mistake and we should talk about it. It wasn't her way of dealing with things, but I was secretly hoping she would come around. I’d heard nothing from Carlson either. Maybe he would try and talk Mom out of her plan to cut me out of the family. Carlson and I, we’d always had a nice relationship. I wasn't his daughter, but he’d always treated me like I was. He was the peacemaker, trying to negotiate between me and Mom when we weren't seeing eye to eye. I didn’t know how he would be able to convince her to be reasonable this time. I wasn’t sure it was even possible.

  I made coffee for Levi and Bekka, who were both avid coffee drinkers. I prepared a smoothie with strawberries, watermelon and cranberry juice for myself. It was my favorite. It was almost lunchtime and there was no way I could get back to sleep, I had overslept already.

  A shower was exactly what I needed so I dropped my empty glass into the sink and went into the bathroom. The need to freshen up was becoming urgent, it seemed like I hadn't showered in a long time. I got undressed and untied my hair, turning around to study my figure in the mirror. For long seconds, I stared at my stomach, my waist. The tattoo. I loved it, but I tried looking at it through my mother’s eyes and I understood her pain. Her disappointment. A glance up at my face revealed
my eyes were tired, red, and puffy and they were filled with so much sadness. There was a side of me which was happy and proud of who I’d become, and there was the other side which was haunted by my mother’s harsh words. This side was lost and dark and alone, and I wanted to keep it hidden, not wanting to bother Bekka and Levi with it. They deserved to see my happy side, always, and I was happy when I was around them. It was only during moments like this, when I was alone, that I realized how broken my heart truly felt.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Almost as soon as I stood under the spray of the water, I was crying again. I’d set the water to run barely warm because of the tattoo and I shivered endlessly as I cried. I missed my steamy hot daily showers and wondered absently how many days it would take till I could have the water hot again. I stood under the water for a very long time, letting go of my anger and hurt. My heart and mind were numb, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. So I stayed under the tepid water, shaking and sobbing.

  I knew the instant he entered the bathroom, sensing the tension building in the air around us. I leaned my head back under the water, trying to hide the evidence of my tears. His warm arms circled around my waist and his lips pressed against the skin on my neck. The first kiss took all the pain away, the second made me realize how much I’d missed his touch and the third sent me orbiting into heaven. I needed him, desperately. He was my everything.

  "I heard you, Nix. You can cry with me. Don't hide your tears." His warm breath whispered across my skin. "I love you, my Rock Star."

  His words hit exactly the right places. My heart was broken and he wanted to help fix it. I tried to speak but my throat was so tight that nothing but a very low whisper came out. “I love you.”