by Robb Hiller
Ask your teammate, boss, or coworker if there is anything you can do for them today. Offering help makes others feel seen and valued. I’m sure you can remember an instance when you needed help and wished someone had reached out to you.
Be genuine as you encourage. Say something like, “I loved your thoughts at our meeting the other day. Very insightful.” Or “I liked or enjoyed . . . (pick something).” It’s amazing how little appreciation and recognition most people get at work, and it’s often not difficult to find something you genuinely appreciate in another person’s work.
Invite a coworker for coffee, lunch, or a short walk during your break. Try adding a new person to your circle of friends. What needs do you see around you? Who needs a listening ear? Who could use a simple opportunity to connect? If you give without expecting anything in return, you’ll find everyone ends up inspired. It’s a two-way street. Friends tend to become advocates.
If you’re already practicing these habits at work, how about doing the same with your spouse and kids at home? Or with good friends? Or with neighbors you don’t know well? Expanding your circle of advocates—and being an advocate for them—will help you all to grow.
How Advocates Increase Your Emotional Intelligence
Want to really accelerate your growth? Advocates shine when life brings adversity your way. When you see your obstacles as opportunities to go deeper with people—asking for help when you need it and giving help when you can—you strengthen the triangle. It is like driving over a bridge that is made up of many triangles equally sharing the load of the car or truck. This allows you to safely reach your destination.
Life’s rough patches on the road often make us reflective. How often have you heard someone lament that they wish they had listened to past advice or gone with their gut instinct in making a decision? When you use the Power of 3 by being an advocate or inviting advocates into your life, you discover how this helps you gain clarity of mind and make more thoughtful emotional responses instead of over- or wrongly reacting. The result is that you will be far more likely to make better decisions about what the next best step is.
Suppose you and your boss are at odds, or you feel threatened that your job may be downsized. It pains you. You worry and fret. You may lose sleep. Here’s a crucial point: your response to conflict, adversity, or other challenges is rooted in your emotional intelligence.
Dr. Daniel Goleman, an author and science journalist, explored how five key areas of emotional intelligence are just as important to your success and happiness as your raw intellect—how smart you are. He first wrote about his groundbreaking research in his bestselling book Emotional Intelligence. He points out five key areas of emotional intelligence that can be measured accurately:
Self-awareness—the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as well as their effect on others
Self-regulation—the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and the propensity to suspend judgment and think before acting
Personal motivation—passion and energy to work for your own internal reasons, feeling like you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing
Social awareness—the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people and how your words and actions affect them
Social regulation—the ability to influence the emotional clarity of others through managing relationships and building networks[1]
Struggling in any of these five areas can impact your everyday living. It’s like a five-legged stool. If legs are loose or of different lengths, we wobble. Remove legs altogether, and we fall off. We end up compensating for the unbalanced stool, and we’ll likely think, say, or do things that aren’t in anyone’s best interest, whether our own or that of loved ones, colleagues, or strangers.
Here’s where advocates are key. Having someone on our side who can provide context and honest feedback to us is like opening a gift. We often see our behavior from one angle, as if we’re just looking at the wrapping paper on a present. But as the wrapping comes off, we get another perspective on what’s really in the box—a perspective we’re not likely to get on our own. Whether you need affirmation of what you’re doing right or a challenge to approach a situation differently, advocates help you deepen all five domains of emotional intelligence.
I love having advocates in my life. With time and effort, I’ve cultivated wonderful advocates who help when business and personal challenges arise. I count on friends who care for me just as I am, with all my frailty. Equally important are the close spiritual advocates I can talk to any time of the day or night.
Marshal Your Advocates to Win
Again, I ask the question: Where could you use help today? Who can come alongside you to help you grow as a person or develop in ways that advance your career? Whether you place a high or low value on relationships, your connections with others grow stronger only if you consciously commit to cultivating them and taking them to deeper levels.
One of the paradoxes of modern society is that we can be surrounded by people, have a long list of contacts in our phones, and register many friends on our Facebook pages or LinkedIn profiles, yet feel intensely alone—and lack true advocates.
The list of reasons we may be cut off from possible advocates is as long as a Minnesota winter, but it can include pride; shyness; mistrust of others; insecurity; busyness; unrealistic expectations; an unwillingness to share on a deep level; and a tendency to push others away by being too needy, talkative, or dominant. Given the many potential obstacles to successful relationships, it’s a wonder we have anyone to talk to at all!
John Cacioppo, a leading psychologist specializing in the study of loneliness, reported that loneliness not only speeds up death in sick people but also makes healthy people sick by putting them into a stressful fight-or-flight mode. Statistics tell us that men are lonelier than women, and the retired are lonelier than the employed.[2]
An AARP loneliness study surveyed 3,012 Americans age 45 and older. It found that:
35 percent of adults 45 and up are lonely.
Over 42.6 million older adult Americans suffer from chronic loneliness.
Those in poor health are more likely to be lonely.[3]
These are ominous facts and figures. It’s possible, however, to make those necessary connections.
Transformational Coaching
Christine is a living example of how inviting advocates makes all the difference. She was a director at a major manufacturing company. Her aggressiveness came across as a lack of respect and trust for the people working under her. Her manner made it impossible to create strong working relationships with her team members and peers. Everyone’s performance (not to mention feelings) suffered. Christine’s boss asked me to work with her.
To assist Christine, I relied on each point of the Power of 3. First, I asked her the right questions: “What is your end goal? What do you really want? What is your motivation for wanting that?” I learned that Christine wanted a few things: to be a great leader in order to help the company grow, to be a better communicator, and to have better relationships with her staff.
The next step was to identify Christine’s God-given gifts and see whether she was fully utilizing them. To do that, we assembled a five-member team of advocates from among her staff and asked them a series of questions about Christine that explored her communication, leadership, empathy, listening, analytical, and motivational skills. The results showed Christine where her strengths were, where she was excelling, and where she needed to improve.
Finally, we created a plan for Christine that clearly defined goals for making changes in her leadership and communication style and how we would measure her progress. Once again, advocates played a key role. Over the next four months, her advocate team provided weekly feedback on how Christine was doing. In addition, I met with Christine biweekly to go over her team’s responses and review her growth.
The outcome was remarkable. Christine rediscovered her tale
nts, moved away from her fears, made huge strides as a leader and communicator, and developed much warmer relationships with her staff, who became consistent advocates.
I called Christine’s road map to growth a “Foundation of Excellence” plan. You can create your own plan, enlist advocates to help you overcome your obstacles, and grow into the person you are meant to be. As with Christine, you can draw on each point in the Power of 3 triangle.
Coaching with the GAME System
I find that a system is most effective when we need consistency to make lasting progress toward something of value. I introduced the GAME system years ago in my practice because I have personally found systems so rewarding in my own life. One small example of a system I use is when to change the blades on my razor and the brush head on my toothbrush. I used to keep using the same blades until I cut my face, because I would just forget when to replace them. Then I read the importance of putting a new brush head on my automatic toothbrush. I came up with a simple system to know when to change both items. I now change both blades and brush on the first and the fifteenth of each month, and I don’t have to think about it anymore: it has become second nature. I also don’t cut my face anymore! That’s the beauty of having a system.
Your GAME steps to create a system for your growth might start with
G—Get a goal that is important to you. Set one and write it down!
A—Ask advocates into your world who are willing to be supportive.
M—Measure how you will know when you are making progress on a short-term basis.
E—Evaluate the end result by what you are learning and the kind of person you are becoming in the process of achieving your goal.
So where might you begin?
Invite a specific advocate to collaborate with you, someone you trust who can serve as a friend, mentor, and accountability partner. What if you can’t think of anyone? Ask someone in the area of your interest for a person’s name and call them to meet for a cup of coffee. Many times your church, clubs like Rotary, or business leaders will know someone who could be an advocate if you give them specifics about what you are looking for and why. You may just need a person to bounce a few ideas off, or if it is something more profound, like making a Foundations of Excellence plan, you might benefit from getting a coach.
Together with your accountability partner, ask the same important questions I asked Christine—begin with the GAME system.
GOAL: Set your end goal. What do you really want? What is your motivation for wanting that?
ASK: Ask your team of trustworthy advocates (even if it is just one person) to speak truthfully and with your best interests in mind. I always send them a few simple survey questions to answer. These are designed to pinpoint your talents and other relevant questions that can help move you toward your goals. Try using the “Uplifting Circle” activity in chapter 5 (see pages 104–106).
MEASURE: Share how you plan to measure your progress.
EVALUATE: Finally, as you open up and share your goals, ask those same advocates to partner with you over the next two to four months. Evaluating is simply reflecting on the feedback you receive and your own feelings about how you are doing. Ultimately, it is what we learn and what we become through our journey that brings transformation. I know this will accelerate your progress, and you most likely will develop lifelong friendships in the process.
When you apply the Power of 3 in this manner, you’ll discover perspectives and opportunities you never imagined.
If time is limited or your advocates don’t live nearby, a short e-mail, video chat, or phone call is all it takes to get the information and encouragement you need to move forward!
Facing Adversity—Family, Friends, and Faith
Perhaps the hardest time to reach out for advocates is when you experience dire need. Those times call for naked honesty—maybe more honesty than you’ve ever shown about the hurts you’re tempted to hide from others.
I was in that situation as my cancer treatments went on and on. I knew I was surrounded by people who cared about what I was going through. They were advocates by sending e-mails and notes and by checking in with calls and texts. But I was at a desperate point where I especially needed their help. So I sent out an e-mail to my most treasured allies.
To put this letter into context, all my hair was falling out. Rather than looking goofy, I went to my barber and asked her to at least clean up what little hair was left. Here is the e-mail I sent:
Dear friends,
I walked out of the strip mall today, and for the first time in my life, the wind no longer bothered my hair. You know how it is . . . the wind whips its way across your head, and you constantly take your hand to try and brush your hair back in place. Well, I no longer have that problem since all my hair is now gone. This is one of the advantages to having had aggressive chemo from Mayo. It is so strong and toxic that you get to do a makeover when the chemo ends, and you get a whole new set of hair! Another advantage is I have no need for Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, or any program of that nature. I have lost twenty pounds and have the dubious distinction of being at my college freshman weight!
I have attached a photo celebrating my new look, knowing that I am going to be healed and that the Lord is using medicine as the avenue. Personally, I wish God would just heal me and I wouldn’t have to go through this tough time, but I trust in the ultimate victory. The other picture of Pam and myself is down at the Reynolds Plantation, where Pam’s sister Nan and her husband, Greg, have a beautiful home, and we visited just before beginning this journey. This was the last picture where I had hair.
Last week I spent five days in the hospital but made it through, and this week has been great. We return to Mayo this coming Tuesday for the second of six rounds of chemo. Each session lasts all day, and I think when I leave, there must be a “glow” about me from all these toxins! This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thankfully, I have a wonderful wife who has been so helpful, supportive, and encouraging.
So if you can pray this week, I just want this to work and to kill off the awful cancer and the many tumors in my body. Also, we need his grace going through everything because it is just plain hard. Many tears have been shed, and I appreciate the small things in life like never before.
But I am an optimist and we will “win” with the Lord’s help. Have a wonderful weekend.
Robb
I sent this e-mail to about a hundred people who I knew had a genuine interest in how my treatments were going. I received an incredible outpouring of love, encouragement, and specific prayers in reply. Nearly everyone mentioned how inspiring they thought the message was because of my hope in God. Nearly everyone mentioned how this short update lifted their spirits and nudged them to think about their own need for faith.
I didn’t write the note to be inspiring. Honestly, I felt tired. At times, I felt numb and empty. I did, however, want to express how my faith in God was helping me and that through the worst of times, we can all find the positive if we just look up.
With fighting for my life a daily thought, I began to focus on what I could do versus what I couldn’t do.
Monitoring the state of my immune system was constant. If my blood work was okay on a Monday, I could go out with a handful of people and eat at a small restaurant. If my blood counts were low, I was relegated to wearing a mask and locking myself up at home even on the loveliest summer day. If I caught a bug, the doctors might not be able to stop the infection. I would most likely die.
So I focused on writing notes and calling people to encourage them. I talked on the phone with my clients to offer insight where I could. I listened to uplifting talks, sermons, and inspiring messages by people with something positive to share.
I’m not sure I would have made it through this journey without my faith in God. The most amazing changes were simple ones, and they still go on today. I began to thank God for each day, and I really meant it. I relished every walk, every short boat ri
de with Bentley on my lap, and every moment of holding Pam’s hand.
In many ways, through facing death I became more alive because I noticed the good that life brought me every day.
And now? I still wake up and thank God for each day. Every day is truly a “great day.” The battle with three cancers and all the aftereffects of the treatments have allowed me to see what I often missed in the busyness of life before my illness. My faith gave me hope and strength through the five months of being so sick. As my friend Jon would say in his humorous way when I was lying on the couch, “Robb, it is far better to be seen than viewed!”
Transform Their World—and Yours
As you can see from my story above, inviting advocates isn’t simply about getting help. It’s just as much about giving aid wherever you can. I sent an e-mail to enlist the support of my advocates, and they were uplifted in the process.
But we should also be intentional about being advocates for others. Studies show that committing conscious acts of kindness leads to better mental health for both the giver and the receiver. And like a pebble dropped in a pond that sends ripples in every direction, the impact of a single caring act can spread far beyond the moment. When we advocate for others, we set love in motion that spreads around the world. Love works!
