by Robb Hiller
Christine, the manufacturing company director, found these reciprocal properties of advocacy to be true. When she changed her communication style by soliciting the opinions of her team and becoming a better listener, she turned into their advocate—which allowed her colleagues to explore and lean into their own talents without fear of being ignored or chastised by their director.
By helping executives and their team members develop their talents and improve their communication and leadership skills, I’ve watched thousands of people grow into their purpose both professionally and personally. In turn, serving as an advocate for them has blessed me. I’ve enjoyed the deep satisfaction that comes from living out my own calling and have made many lifelong friends.
The same has been true in my personal life. When a colleague and friend, Bob Benedict, was struggling with his business, I began meeting with him in the mornings to listen and offer encouragement and insights from my own experience. He did the same for me. This went on for years. I believe those meetings played at least a small part in the success of Bob’s new career, and the same was true for my growth. Isn’t that how it goes? When we encourage or advise a friend, what’s reflected back is often even greater than the light we put out.
Today, Bob is a nationally recognized negotiation expert—and as one of my best friends, he is also one of my most-valued advocates. I could also say the same of my friend Jon Barnett. I met Jon and his wife, Mary Jo, when I was 2,500 miles away from Minnesota at a Sunday-morning church service. Midway through the service, the pastor asked us to turn around and greet someone we didn’t know. Well, that wasn’t too tough for me as I’d never been there before! As I turned around, Jon extended his hand to shake mine and asked where we were from. I shared that Minneapolis was my home, but we were now living in Irvine, California. He said, “No way! We’re from Minnesota as well!” Jon and I became best friends, and thirty years later we see each other often and are mutual advocates for each other. It started with me putting my hand out to Jon, and I’ve been blessed by that returned handshake.
Put simply, the best way to invite advocates into your life is to become one. Use the Power of 3 to get you there. When people see that you genuinely care about their welfare and want to support them, they will naturally reciprocate.
Tracy Warshal was at a Georgia grocery store when she noticed that a man in the checkout line ahead of her had forgotten his wallet. She made an instant decision to be his advocate and pay for his few items. The man thanked Tracy, but later he did much more than that. When the man learned that Tracy worked at Piedmont Cancer Institute, he donated ten thousand dollars to the Piedmont Foundation, which funds new equipment, research, and education programs for health care in the Atlanta area. Though she hadn’t planned it or expected it, Tracy stepping up with a small gesture encouraged a stranger to become an advocate for better health care that would impact many lives.
The key is your motivation. People will quickly sense self-interest or an attempt to manipulate them and will turn away. Love, on the other hand, always attracts! Who needs a call or text from you today?
Practicing the Power of 3
Hopefully after reading this chapter, you know how you can invite advocates into your life and become one to others. Here are a few more questions to get you thinking about inviting and becoming an advocate.
How would you describe the culture of the department you work in, the overall company, or your culture at home on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 is outstanding)?
Culture rises and falls on relationships. What can you do using the Power of 3 to improve the culture in your sphere of influence?
Bridges, floor trusses, and roof trusses are all triangles because their strength comes from three equal sides working together. What additions in the advocate triangle of family, friends, and faith would most help you become a better person or leader?
Despite the many “friends” we have across social media platforms like Facebook and LinkedIn, people of all ages are experiencing loneliness. What might you do to be more of an advocate to others?
Transformational coaching and leading occurs more frequently when we are advocates. How can the GAME system help you and others that you care for?
[1] Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (New York: Bantam, 1995), 43–44.
[2] Ben Sasse, Them: Why We Hate Each Other—and How to Heal (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2018), 23–24.
[3] AARP, Loneliness and Social Connections: A National Survey of Adults 45 and Older, 2018, https://www.aarp.org/content/dam/aarp/research/surveys_statistics/life-leisure/2018/loneliness-social-connections-2018.doi.10.26419-2Fres.00246.001.pdf.
CHAPTER 8Coaching Yourself and Others in the Power of 3: Small Beginnings—Big Results
The only thing worse than training your employees and having them leave is not training them and having them stay.
HENRY FORD
THE LAST THING I WAS THINKING when I got the diagnosis of three cancers was, Oh boy, this is a prime opportunity for me to develop endurance and strength! No. I gulped, took a deep breath, and fumbled for a response. I’m seldom at a loss for words, and the tough circumstances I’d already survived through the years had given me the ability to succeed when hit with devastating news. But this was a lot to take in.
Few things in life are 100 percent predictable. Sure, death and taxes. But there’s another part of life we all have in common and all end up facing, with some degree of failure or success. We all suffer setbacks with family members, difficult people at work, the loss of friendships, or the disappointment that our best plans just haven’t turned out the way we thought they would. Why didn’t I get that promotion? Why didn’t I see that annoying habit of my spouse when we were dating? Why isn’t this working out?
Adversity is like a car accident. You certainly don’t want it. You think you can dodge it. But it happens anyway. The accident might come as a glancing blow. Or as a full broadside hit. Or, sometimes, as a head-on collision.
Everyone faces adversity, whether we call it “drama” or “troubles” or a “dark night of the soul.” The Power of 3 allows us to keep walking and discover better paths.
An ancient writer talked about adversity and obstacles as a predictable part of life. He wrote, “We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed” and “trials . . . help us develop endurance.”[1] I haven’t always enthusiastically shared his perspective.
Years ago, I was running a high-tech company when I learned that four individuals I thought were loyal employees left, all at once. They decided to start a company that would compete directly with mine.
I wish I’d developed the Power of 3 way back then, as I desperately could have used a different approach. I made so many mistakes in how I responded. Anger and retaliation ate away at me and caused many sleepless nights. The turmoil dragged on, and I felt it impacting my appetite, general attitude, and ability to deal with even small daily challenges. I’d get so angry when I was cut off on a Los Angeles freeway or I was delayed at the store because the person in front of me was slow in paying.
The stress wasn’t good for me. But all this changed when I met with Bob, a fellow businessperson. After listening to me explain the betrayal of what had happened, this highly successful leader asked me a simple question: “Robb, who is in charge?” I remember slumping back in my chair, reflecting for a moment, and saying with a sigh of relief, “God is, if I let him be.”
Small Beginnings, Big Results
Something powerful was happening. My friend was modeling the first principle of becoming a great coach. In this simple exchange, the power of asking the right questions set the stage for an immediate transformation of my thinking. Whether you’re coaching yourself, informally coaching others, or dealing with people in business, start here!
This simple beginning changed how
I talked to myself, how I felt, and how I acted. It led me down a far better decision-making path. It was a small beginning that led to a big result.
After unsuccessfully trying to talk with the group who left the company and wrestling with the fact that they took customers with them, I decided to forgo pursuing a legal pathway. With the team that remained, I focused on doing right for our customers and doubled our efforts to serve. Within months, the business rebounded and continued to grow exponentially.
The right question Bob asked moved me from feeling like a victim to taking personal responsibility for everything. This included my emotions, empathy for others, and being the leader I needed to be at the company. Once I made that important decision, my appetite, energy, peace of mind, and clarity of thought returned.
Of course, you know this principle is the first element of the Power of 3—ask the right questions. But have you thought of yourself as a coach, the kind of helper that Bob was to me—first a coach to yourself, then to family and friends, and then to those you might lead at work? When you understand the Power of 3, you will have all it takes to make an enormous difference for yourself and for everyone within your reach.
To be a good coach, you need to be a good listener. And to be a good listener, you need to ask good questions.
The Power of 3 will elevate you in whatever role you find yourself because you’ll abundantly meet two fundamental human needs—the needs to be heard and to be valued.
How to Coach Yourself with the Power of 3
The best coaches in the world know how to apply their methodology to themselves. The Power of 3 isn’t simply a nice idea to read about and put on the shelf, an emergency kit to pull out when you experience a head-on collision. The Power of 3 is an everyday, moment-by-moment habit of thinking and doing. Live it!
Consider a married couple in their thirties. Brad is frustrated with his wife, Wendy. More than frustrated. Brad is angry and worried. Over the last several months, Wendy has grown increasingly distant. She’s worked late multiple nights each week at her job as a web designer. She usually lets Brad know if she’s going to miss dinner, though twice in the last month, she’s forgotten to call. Brad knows that Wendy’s company recently took on a major client and that several members of the staff are working overtime to revamp the client’s marketing program. The group includes Daniel, a new copywriter. Brad realizes it might just be his imagination, but he’s afraid that Wendy is having an affair.
Now it’s 6:30 p.m. Brad is home from work, sitting alone at their dining room table. Wendy still isn’t home. She hasn’t called, and she hasn’t answered either of Brad’s texts. The baked salmon he prepared for their evening dinner has long since cooled. Brad, on the other hand, is steaming.
Why hasn’t she called? Brad thinks. This is Thursday—our date night. How can she be so thoughtless? Why does she always think only about herself? What is wrong with her?
The next question that forms in Brad’s mind is the one he’s been trying to avoid: Is she with Daniel?
It takes only a minute for Brad’s thoughts to build into a tidal wave. He jumps up, grabs Wendy’s plate, and hurls it into the sink, sending salmon flying and shattering the china. Then he buries his face in his hands. Five minutes later, Wendy walks through the door.
Don’t Get Hijacked!
Now let’s imagine the same scenario with a far better outcome. Brad has just read The Power of 3 and understands the principles of living in the triangle. That doesn’t change the fact that Brad is sitting alone at his dining room table, staring at cold salmon. He’s still wondering where Wendy is and why she hasn’t answered his texts. He’s still angry and worried. His amygdala is armed and ready. A full-throttle hijacking is already underway!
But Brad remembers what he’s read. He’s going to try to hijack the hijacker. Though he’s tempted to run through a list of all the terrible potential reasons for why Wendy isn’t home—including an affair—he decides to ask himself the right questions instead. He knows that begins with discovery.
How do I stop myself from assuming the worst? He decides to not jump to conclusions. There are many possible reasons for Wendy’s absence and lack of response. She could be in a meeting that went long. Her cell phone could have died. She could have a flat tire. Brad thinks, What could I do to find out what’s actually happening? He decides he’ll wait another twenty minutes, then call Paula, Wendy’s colleague at the office.
Brad isn’t done with discovery questions, however. What, he asks himself, is really making me so concerned? Brad realizes that with Wendy distracted and away from home more often, he’s feeling insecure. Since his first wife left him for another man, Brad has sometimes struggled with fear that Wendy will do the same.
Brad shifts into proactive mode. How can I relieve this insecure feeling? In this busy time, what can I do to help us reconnect? It occurs to Brad that simply setting a time with Wendy to share his feelings would lift a huge weight from his shoulders. Asking the right questions leads Brad to a self-awareness that gives him more control over his emotional response.
As Brad ponders the situation, he realizes he hasn’t stepped back to consider more creative solutions. What might I do to support Wendy while she’s working overtime and draw her closer? he asks himself. What does she need from me right now? Brad begins to see new options. He could take over more household duties to make Wendy feel supported. If she needs to work late but has time for a dinner break, he could meet her for a quick bite at a restaurant near her office. Since he knows she dislikes refueling at the gas station, he could even take her car out and fill it up after she gets home.
Now he’s getting somewhere.
In this version of our scenario, asking just a few right questions has helped Brad see new possibilities to alleviate his concerns and improve his marriage. Five minutes later, when Wendy walks through the door, he’s in a better state of mind. Instead of greeting her with accusations—“Why didn’t you answer my texts? Why are you so late?”—he’s calm, curious about her day, open to hearing what Wendy has to say, and ready to seek positive solutions for this stressful season of overtime.
You’ll find similar results as you begin proactively coaching yourself, applying the power of asking the right questions to your life. We talked about the different types of questions in chapter 3, so here’s a reminder of the three different tools to help you:
Do a Self-Talk Assessment
We’ve seen how negative self-talk can trigger a stress response to trials, increasing the chances of an amygdala hijacking and making it more difficult to ask the right questions. The following two-question assessment will give you a better idea of how you deal with adversity, whether relatively small (a boss you don’t like or a friend who’s ignoring you) or large (a grim health diagnosis or an important relationship issue). For each question, circle your score of 1 to 5.
Let’s say you discover a person at work has said some unkind words about you to others. Or you’ve learned you have a serious financial, medical, or relational problem that needs immediate attention. How do you react?
When I come across a difficult situation, my first reaction is usually emotional (frustration, anger, fear, impatience, etc.).
Circle your score:
1—Never
2—Not often
3—Sometimes
4—Frequently
5—Most of the time
When I’m confronted with the unknown or a real obstacle I didn’t create, my reaction causes me to make decisions that in hindsight prove to be hurtful to myself and others.
Circle your score:
1—Never
2—Not often
3—Sometimes
4—Frequently
5—Most of the time
My Total Score: ___
Combine your scores.
If your total is 6 or higher, growing your ability to ask yourself the right questions is probably your first step in self-coaching.
If your total is 4 or low
er, you’re building a habit of engaging in healthy self-talk. Keep that up! As you coach yourself, pay special attention to the activate and advocate points of the Power of 3 triangle.
When we learn to coach ourselves, we don’t have to live in a state of constant stress.
By employing the first point in the Power of 3 triangle—asking ourselves the right questions—we take better control of our emotions, turn back an amygdala takeover, focus on the next step, and put ourselves in position to find solutions to whatever challenges block our way. It’s a path toward reducing stress and gaining peace.
Coaching Family with the Power of 3
Now let’s look at the next part of the triangle to see how you can use activate and advocate to informally coach others. You can engage your full power by activating your gifts and talents or helping with your presence and power as an advocate. And one of the most natural ways you can use the Power of 3 in informal coaching is with your family.
My mom is a great example of this. She constantly activated her natural gifts. I bet she never once paused and said, “I should do this or that because it would look good to others.” Mom truly loved and served everybody from a heart of joy. Her old-fashioned black phone book from the stationery store was bursting with hundreds of names, phone numbers, and addresses. She regularly riffled through its pages to find friends to call in order to check on them. It drove my dad nuts. He wasn’t nearly as social and clearly didn’t enjoy talking on the phone.
Dinner parties were common in our home, and Mom listened to others for hours. She lifted them up with her warm smile, an encouraging word, and a caring touch, and no one ever left our house without her asking if there was anything she could do to help them. Often Mom would just say, “I’ll be praying for you.” She knew intuitively that the secret to meaningful relationships involved being a great listener, and a great listener always asks great questions. Mom made the world better by constantly activating her gifts—her natural love for people, empathy, optimism, and encouragement. Her way of playing the game of life would have made Coach John Wooden proud. She always did the best she was capable of.
