“Are you feeling guilty?”
She grabbed his shoulders, her fingers meeting the hard planes under the smooth flesh. “I feel like life is just beginning for me. Somehow you make me feel…not old.”
“Not old.” Cas shook his head. “Sunny, you are all woman and I mean that in the most confusing way. You’re young, I’m an old man and we’ve only had sex once. You think things’ll get weirder the next time? Maybe I’ll get so old I won’t be able to get it up.”
“You think? Wow,” Sunny said, her tone teasing, “you might be too old for me.”
“Too old?” Cas laughed. “Woman, them is fighting words.”
“Seriously, it’s a big load off my mind. You might have noticed I was sort of hung up on it.”
“You did pretty good for an old lady.” Cas allowed.
“Watch who you’re calling old, darlin’.”
“Fuck age anyway,” he muttered.
“You just did.” She smiled against his shoulder. “I don’t know why you’re so hung up on age, Cas.”
With a low growl, he tickled her ribs. “I’ll make you regret that remark. You had my heart in my throat a few times there. I thought you’d show me the door and never take a chance on us.”
“How could I not? I love you.”
“No qualifiers?” He rolled off her, lying on his stomach so he could watch her expressive face.
“No qualifiers,” she replied. “You’re old enough to make your own decisions. And I love you too much to let you go, even if it were for your own good. I’m under your spell.”
“There’s no spelling involved, just two people in love. It’s nobody’s business but ours.”
She moved closer to him and he turned to his back, putting an arm around her as she cradled her head on his shoulder.
“Nobody’s business but ours,” she said to his nipple, which made her think of Ennis and smile. “You’re right. When you’re right, you’re right.”
“Remember that for future reference,” he ordered and closed his eyes, hugging her to him. With a satisfied sigh, Sunny followed suit.
Chapter 19
Cas lay on his side, his head propped on one hand while the other lazily drew circles on Sunny’s stomach. She shivered at his light touch. For a short moment she felt exposed and considered pulling up the sheet, but banished the thought as she saw the look of complete contentment on his face. She still felt a little shy about speaking her mind to him of intimate things. However, one didn’t run an inn without being disciplined and she was used to having a plan of action. So she grasped his wrist and cradled his hand between hers.
“I can’t think when you do that and we need to talk.”
“We do? About what?”
“About the future. You do plan a future with me?”
“I do. What about the future?”
“Well, you’ll be staying here?” It was more of a question than a statement.
“No, I won’t.”
She sat up, still holding his hand. “Why not? People in love usually live together.”
“I won’t jeopardize your reputation that way. Look, Sunny.” He withdrew his hand and sat up too. “It’s going to be awhile before I can afford to set up house with anyone. If you hadn’t thrown in the cottage with the job, I wouldn’t even be supporting myself, let alone a wife.”
The word caused her heart to turn over slowly. “A wife…”
“Yeah, a wife. What did you think? People in love usually get married, don’t they?” He sounded almost irritated.
“I just never thought–”
He shifted closer to her and cupped her face. “You are not a one night stand,” he said fiercely. “It’s easy for someone to say ‘I love you’, and then fuck you and walk away. That’s not me. I mean what I say. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives and to me, that means marriage. But I won’t do it until I’ve found what I’m good for, until I can make a living that’ll satisfy me and make you proud.”
“I’m already proud of you,” she said just as fiercely. “And we’ve got the inn. It’ll be yours too.”
“No, it’s not mine. It’s yours and it was your husband’s before you. What do you think people would say? ‘Oh, he’s just a drifter. He pulled the wool over her eyes, took her inheritance. He’s nothing but a gigolo living off a woman.’ I don’t want that, I won’t have that. We’ll see each other, we’ll still be together. I’ll just still be your employee, that’s all, until I can better myself.”
“So you think sneaking around and having a secret love affair is better?” Sunny snapped. “Well, I beg to disagree! I don’t give a flying fuck what the town thinks. What does it matter to me? I don’t depend on them for anything. I make my living from tourists and they don’t give a damn about the innkeeper’s love life.”
She jerked her head from his hold. “I’m not ashamed, not of me and certainly not of you. You keep this inn standing. You’ve more than earned a piece of it. I don’t see the problem.”
He looked troubled. “If I could buy a percentage–”
“That’s nothing but male pride,” she burst out. “What you don’t understand is, it’s yours already. What’s mine is yours, you idiot. It’s how a relationship works, or should. Look,” she said more calmly. “If we were starting a company, and we agreed that I’d provide the capital and you the labor and we’d be equal partners, would you accept that? I don’t see the difference. The inn is the company and you keep it up, keep it at its best so it can make more money–the people who stay here don’t want cracks in the windows and tubs that won’t drain. Just the landscaping you’re doing ought to earn you a percentage. You’re saving the company thousands of dollars.”
He shook his head and still looked troubled. “Sunny…”
“I won’t sneak around. I’m willing to do it your way while you think it through, but you’ll miss me in your cold bed at the cottage. We’ll live separately if that’s what you want, but we’ll be open about seeing each other. And let them think what they want.”
“I guess you think I’m crazy.”
She stroked his stubbled cheek. “I think you’re male. It explains a lot.”
“Thank you very much!” But his lips quirked upward in a smile.
“Women are much more sensible. Men have all this macho pride. I’m here to tell you it’s a big headache sometimes.”
“I bet women have their blind spots too,” he replied, sounding a little peeved. “One day at a time, that’s how you have to take life, one day at a time.”
She leaned against him, rubbing his chest. “Okay, one day at a time. But I won’t wait forever, Cas. You take too long making up your mind, you’re liable to find yourself all drugged up and hauled before a justice of the peace.”
“I’ll take my chances. Hey, we just had our first argument.”
“Is that what it was? I guess you’re right, but I don’t think anyone won.”
“I’m thirsty, how about you?”
“Oh, I’ll just–”
“No, you relax, I can find my way around. You want something?”
“I think there’s some tea out there and some soda. But I’m fine.”
“Be right back.”
He slid from the bed and didn’t bother to pull on his jeans. As he went toward the door, Sunny got a good look at his back view for the first time. Wide shoulders, small waist, long muscular legs lightly dusted with dark hair. A tight, trim butt, almost completely covered with the thin, white lines of old scarring, and not only his buttocks but his upper thighs too. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen, hadn’t felt… Her heart clenched and she cried out.
He whipped around at her cry. She scrambled from the bed and stumbled toward him.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” he asked.
“My God, Cas.”
She reached him and turned him gently around, tracing the ugly scars with trembling fingers.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
“The
y’re old, they’re healed. There won’t be anymore.”
“Oh, Cas.” She regretted the arguing with him. He had to prove himself, of course he had to prove himself. How could he not after what he’d been through? She bent down and tenderly kissed each cheek.
He whirled around. “Don’t do that!” He pulled her erect and then into his arms. “Don’t do that,” he said more gently. “They belong to the past. Ignore them if you can.”
She stared up at him, then nodded.
“I believe I’ll have some tea after all.” Linking her arm in his, she started toward the door.
* * * *
The full moon lit the way as Cas walked slowly to the cottage; the stars looked like he could reach up and touch them. The night was quiet, only the occasional hoot of an owl breaking the stillness. He hadn’t wanted to leave Sunny, but it was for the best. A small town like Nevis–people could be cruel. Who knew better than him?
His steps echoed hollowly on the small bridge. He paused, turning on the flashlight he hadn’t needed, and inspected his repair job as he did almost every time he crossed what he now considered his bridge. Not surprisingly, it was still holding together. Cas silently laughed at his own predictability. He switched off the light and leaned on the rough wood of the rail.
There was a small trickle of water in the gulley. Luminescent streaks of moonlight darted haphazardly on its surface as it gurgled its way to the river. Long grasses tinted a silvery white glowed eerily, turning the gulley into a mysterious wonderland. Two green orbs appeared out of nowhere as some nocturnal animal turned to look at him. Then, with a splash and a rustle, it was gone and all was silent again.
Cas turned, his back against the rail, raising his face to the night sky brilliant with countless stars that didn’t have to compete with the artificial lights of man. Its full magnificence hit him with an almost physical impact. The world could be beautiful. It could be savage and remorseless, but also beautiful, and in that he found comfort.
He had experienced the savagery up close and personal and by some miracle it hadn’t ruined him. The best thing he’d ever done was to run. It was the saving of him. His travels had given him a whole new perspective, because while he’d met people who were rude and uncaring and even downright cruel, by far the majority had been kind and generous and willing to give him a chance.
He’d been ready, he thought. By the time he’d reached this place of beauty that seemed to wrap him in its embrace and welcome him, he’d been ready to emerge, like a butterfly from its cocoon, and take the next step to being a complete man. Meeting Sunny had sealed the deal.
But what was this complete man–if indeed he was–to do with his life? He had no great talent. He could not suddenly become an artist or a sculptor or devise an earthshaking invention like cars that ran on air instead of gasoline. No, he was a man who liked to work with his hands, who had an affinity for the land and growing things. He was also a landless man, with no hope in the near future of ever acquiring what he desired most next to Sunny–acres of his own.
He couldn’t buy her plan for their future. It went against everything he was. A man was made to protect what he loved, and damn it, yes, to support who he loved. It might not be necessary, and certainly Sunny was perfectly capable of supporting herself. But it should be there, just in case. It should be a possibility that could be pulled out in need.
He was poor. It had never bothered him before as he’d drifted from town to town, state to state, but it bothered him now. Maybe he could save enough to buy some sort of transportation, maybe a motorcycle like the Father used, something to take him to the nearest town with a college where he could be trained to earn a decent living. Then he cursed as he realized the problems that would arise with registration. Transcripts, wasn’t that a laugh. He didn’t even have a high school diploma, being haphazardly schooled at home as he was. Hannah had done her best, but he had the sinking feeling he was sadly undereducated.
What was he to do with his life, besides love Sunny? He could see himself down the road, still working for her, still earning minimum wage with room and board thrown in, and she would tire of him, realize he was a loser and a stupid loser at that.
He wanted to make her proud of him. A woman should have pride in the man she loved. Cas couldn’t think of anything about himself to be proud of.
He was still better off than he had been. He had found the woman meant for him and she loved him. He didn’t have to solve everything tonight. Why was he brooding on this anyway? He ought to be torturing himself with the memory of Sunny’s body and their lovemaking. He felt something inside him clench as he remembered.
They had gotten their tea, but never finished it. They’d made love again, not even making it back to the bedroom, but their bodies were so hot neither of them noticed the coolness of the floor. “If this keeps up, I’ll have to get carpeting,” Sunny had said with a laugh. She had not mentioned his scars again, but his ass had received a lot of tender caressing. Along with the rest of him.
He flat out didn’t care if there was a heaven. He had found his heaven here on earth by looking into a woman’s eyes.
Laughing at himself a bit, he straightened and began walking again.
The tall pines and fat cedars surrounding the cottage blocked the sky light. He almost turned on his flashlight again, but he was by now so familiar with the path that he didn’t bother. The cottage loomed before him, dark and silent. He thought he’d left a light on, not knowing what time he’d be back, but he must have been mistaken. He retrieved the key from his pocket; it was only as he began to insert it into the lock that he realized the door was not completely closed and the wood surrounding it splintered as if something sharp had hacked at it.
Adrenalin surged through him. He stiffened, his muscles tensed, his head rose like a wolf scenting danger in the air. Those rednecks really thought he wouldn’t notice? Half of him, the law abiding half, considered leaving, getting help and coming back with a surprise of his own. The other half said “fuck it.” The fuck-it half won.
He pushed the door open as quietly as he could, stepping into the living room carefully. His night vision was still good since he hadn’t used the flashlight, and he studied the silent room. In the vicinity of his dilapidated brown chair, a small rosy light brightened into a white glow, as if someone were blowing on a live coal.
Immediately he switched on the flashlight, swinging it around to highlight the chair. The weak light cast strange shadows over the face of the man sitting there, burying his eyes in deep shadows, hollowing his cheeks, hiding his chin.
But Cas didn’t need to see the eyes to know who was sitting in his brown chair. His father had come to call.
Chapter 20
Feeling like he was moving in slow motion, Cas reached over and flicked the wall switch to on. The ceiling globe burst into light, almost blinding him. He turned off the flashlight and waited patiently for his eyes to adjust. He refused to speak first, but stood waiting. His heart hammered, but he kept his stance relaxed and his face expressionless.
The silence drew out until he felt like shouting. His father sat relaxed in the old chair, elbows propped on the thin armrests, hands folded under his chin. Smoke from his cigarillo curled lazily around his head before drifting slowly toward the ceiling. He watched Cas from under his thick brows like a cat watching its prey. He would play with Cas like a cat with its prey too, if Cas allowed him.
When had Jose Aguilar become so small? When Cas pictured him in his mind, he was always towering over him, his face expressionless and that whip in one hand. When had he shrunk? His hands were small, almost delicate looking, his feet even more so. He’d developed a paunch that even the expensive cut of his suit couldn’t hide. His hair had turned completely gray; his eyes had huge bags under them.
When had Jose Aguilar changed from the boogey bear into merely a small, cold hearted man?
Jose took another draw on his cigarillo, allowing the smoke to trickle from his mouth as he spo
ke. “We will leave now, no need to wait until the light.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Cas put his body in motion, heading for the kitchen. “And you’re not welcome here. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.”
Jose cocked his head, squinting through the smoke. “You think you have outgrown your obedience to me?”
“I’ve outgrown you in every way,” Cas threw over his shoulder. “I hope you don’t think to use that whip on me again.”
“You are right. You have put on the muscle and the weight, mongrel. In that you have the edge on me. But you perhaps forget Raoul and Jesus?”
Cas paused at the small counter and turned. “How’d you find me anyway? Not even you have that much influence.”
Jose laughed softly. “You have made enemies, mongrel. Enemies who thought to make money from you. And me. Stupid enemies. They call to offer you up for money, but they forget calls can be traced. Of course, I agree, but they will see no money from me. These rednecks do not know Jose Aguilar.”
“No, they don’t,” Cas said thoughtfully, “but you don’t know these rednecks. My advice to you is to be careful.”
“You have changed, mongrel. Now you have the rudeness to your father. You will have to be taught better.”
Cas snorted a laugh. “By you? I don’t think so. You don’t scare me anymore and there’s no threat you can make that’ll get me to go back with you. Why the hell do you want me anyway? You hate and despise me. You got no use for me. Is it just pride? Or maybe you have something more permanent in mind?”
Jose dropped his cigarillo to the floor, stepping on it as he rose to his feet. “Perhaps. It is not for you to question. A son should obey his father in all things. Or suffer the consequences.”
“Like my mother did.” He watched his father carefully. “You sure took care of her, didn’t you?”
Jose shrugged. “No one walks out on Jose Aguilar. No one, not even a mongrel of a son. It is a shame you take after your mother in your stupidity. It is a shame you have not her smallness. I think your neck would feel just as good–no, even better–under my hands.”
Song of Life Page 15
