Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  He turned over the postcard and looked again at the inscription.

  Dear Jacob,

  Will pick you up for lunch at High Noon on April 23. Important things to discuss. I’m very proud of you. I love you.

  Dad

  The stamp was for seven dollars, which Jacob would have thought was mysterious except that one of his memories of his dad was that he never seemed to know what anything cost.

  He walked over to the shelf above his bed where he kept his grandfather’s pipe, the one he had found in a junk shop on Planet Paisley. It was proof that his dad might be in outer space, that perhaps he was traveling around the universe losing heirlooms on strange planets. He set the postcard carefully alongside the pipe.

  Jacob jumped when his cell phone beeped. He had a text from Sarah: Outside, want 2 talk.

  He put on his shoes, yelled to his mom that he was going outside for a minute, and found Sarah sitting on the curb in front of his house. He sat down beside her, and they stared at the forest down the street, where they both knew Lucy would arrive at any moment. The sun had set and the color was slowly draining from the sky. Jacob’s breath caught when he thought of going back to space and seeing the impossible number of stars outside the window of a spaceship rocketing through the galaxy.

  “What if you win?” Sarah asked quietly.

  “Huh?”

  Sarah turned and looked him in the eye. She brushed a strand of hair from her face. “What if you win, Jake? What then?”

  He shrugged. “I haven’t really thought through my whole campaign platform yet, but I had this great idea yesterday. Shouldn’t it be a law that every restaurant should have either French fries or pizza on the menu? Or should it be both? I was thinking…”

  Sarah put her hand on his arm and he stopped talking. “President of the universe. Think about how big that job is.”

  He jerked his arm back. “You don’t think I can do it?”

  She gently grabbed his arm again. “That’s not what I’m saying. How are you going to do that job and still be a kid on Earth? You’re going to have to be flying all over the place, solving problems and being responsible. What about our families? What about you and me? Dexter too,” she added quickly. “I’ll come with you for the election, but I can’t just disappear into space forever, Jake. I can’t do it.”

  Jacob nodded and was quiet for a moment. The idea of flying around space and never going to school didn’t scare him at all, and he knew Miss Banks and the king were depending on him. He hoped there would be a way to convince Sarah and Dexter to stay with him in space instead of coming back and going to school every day and living their boring lives on Earth. If he had a choice between running around the universe or sitting through pre-algebra every day, he knew exactly which life he would choose.

  He saw Dexter approaching, teetering with an overstuffed backpack that looked like it would tip him over at any moment. Suddenly the street lit up and there was a flash in the forest. A green laser shot up into the sky and then disappeared. A second later there was a faint whirring noise and a hiss. It was Lucy. Dexter gave Jacob and Sarah a hesitant thumbs-up.

  Jacob thought about the postcard on his shelf, and the power he would have as president of the universe. He would be able to find anyone.

  He turned to Sarah. “This is something I have to do.”

  Jacob turned away from the planets and stars whizzing by outside the cockpit and faced Sarah and Dexter instead. He held a yellow notepad and had a pen tucked behind his ear, some of the campaign supplies he had packed for the journey to Planet Headline.

  “No more pranks,” Jacob said. “No more tricks, no more practical jokes, no more breaking rules. That’s all over. I have to show the people I’m responsible enough to run the entire universe.”

  Dexter tapped his cheek with his finger. “What about the sneezing powder this morning?”

  “That was completely necessary!”

  “How are we going to deal with your track record?” Sarah asked with a lopsided grin. “I think the news reporters are going to want to know about the time you lined your bedroom with plastic and tried to turn it into a giant hot tub.”

  Dexter high-fived Sarah. “That was hilarious! Oh, what about the time Jacob convinced the police department there was a grizzly bear trying to break into the zoo.”

  “Stop it!” Jacob shouted, and the edge in his voice made Sarah and Dexter look away. “This is serious.”

  “Excuse me, cretins,” Lucy said, “I’d so hate to interrupt the future President Wonderbar’s delusions of grandeur, but we are approaching the tunnel through the space kapow. While we’re passing through, perhaps Mr. Wonderbar will want to figure out how he’s going to expunge that catastrophe from the record as well.”

  Dexter and Sarah pursed their lips and Jacob could tell they were trying not to laugh.

  “She’s right,” Jacob said. “We should probably come up with something.”

  “On it,” Sarah said. She patted Jacob on the shoulder. “Don’t worry.”

  He looked out the cockpit window and saw the tunnel, a shimmering tube that bore through the bright mess of stars and supernovas that had been left in the aftermath of the kapow. Lucy passed through slowly, and it was almost as if they were on the inside of a kaleidoscope. The shifting colors shone brightly inside the cockpit, and Jacob was amazed the Astral engineers could have constructed something so vast and incredible in just a year.

  He stared ahead at the small black dot of space at the end of the tunnel, but something irregular was blocking the view.

  “Ugh.” Lucy shuddered. “Children, we have trouble.”

  Jacob stood up and peered ahead as Lucy slowed down to a crawl. His eyes didn’t want to believe what he was seeing, but as they drew closer, there was no mistake. It was a giant tree, with branches snaking up into the high reaches of the tunnel.

  “What is a tree doing in the middle of the…” Jacob trailed off as he saw movement in the branches. “Are those… monkeys?!”

  Six chimpanzees wearing clear space helmets were swinging around on the branches. An old metal spaceship was parked nearby.

  “Space monkeys,” Lucy said. “They always bring this infernal tree with them. I have to slow down to avoid these branches.”

  There was one large monkey hanging still at the top of the tree, and Jacob could tell that it was staring at them.

  “Are they intelligent?” Jacob asked.

  “No, Jacob,” Lucy said. “They are very, very stupid. That’s why they’re so dangerous.”

  “Where did they come from?” Sarah asked.

  “They came from Earth. A Russian rocket accidentally blasted into space with test monkeys aboard and these are the descendents of those…” She trailed off. “This is not good.”

  Lucy drew closer and closer to the tree, which Jacob could now see was actually made of metal. Jacob locked eyes with the largest monkey. All of the other monkeys stopped what they were doing and stared at the spaceship.

  Suddenly the big monkey bared his teeth and the other monkeys sprang into action. A few of them launched themselves at Lucy and began scrambling around on the outside of the ship, and others flew back toward their own ship. The big monkey leaped straight for the cockpit. Sarah shrieked when he landed with a thud. He pressed his helmet to the cockpit, his brown eyes looking over each of them.

  “We’re being boarded!” Lucy shouted.

  Loud clangs rang throughout the hold, and on the cockpit monitors Jacob could see that the monkeys were hitting the hull with metal rods.

  “Children, they are causing serious damage!”

  “Can you speed up?” Jacob asked.

  They heard a loud crash, followed by screeching.

  “They’re inside!” Lucy shouted.

  The big monkey scrambled off of the cockpit window.

  “Lucy, do you have any weapons?” Jacob asked.

  “I thought you said they were stupid!” Dexter yelled.

  “They
are stupid!” Lucy shouted. “They’re even more hateful than you children.”

  One of the chimps scrambled up the staircase. He bared his teeth and jumped up and down, then ran up the wall and hung from the ceiling.

  Soon the large chimp scrambled up as well. He had gray hair and seemed more intelligent than the others. He took off his helmet and paced in front of the children, looking at each of them in turn. He leaned close to Dexter, who leaned back in his chair in fright.

  “Bad breath,” Dexter whispered.

  The monkey pushed Dexter in the chest and screeched. The monkey on the ceiling dropped down and grabbed Dexter, pulling him toward the staircase. They were joined by more monkeys, who swarmed Dexter and stood between him and Sarah and Jacob.

  “Ow!” Dexter yelped. “Guys, help me!”

  “Leave him alone!” Sarah shouted.

  Jacob jumped up, but the big monkey paced in front of him, blocking his way. The other monkeys pulled Dexter down the staircase and through the hold.

  “Dexter!” Sarah yelled.

  Jacob charged into the big monkey, who pushed him back roughly and slapped the ground. He bared his teeth and screeched, and then scrambled down the staircase. Jacob ran down the stairs after them, but he wasn’t as fast as the monkeys. They had docked their spaceship alongside Lucy, and the big monkey had already made it back onto his ship. He turned back at Jacob and screeched in pleasure as the cargo door closed. There was a loud clang as the monkeys’ ship disengaged.

  Jacob ran back up the stairs and watched helplessly through the cockpit window as the tree folded back into the monkeys’ spaceship and they blasted off, taking Dexter with them.

  After them!” Sarah shouted.

  Jacob watched the space monkey ship swerve erratically as it headed for the exit of the space kapow detour. He wasn’t sure whether their swerving was a strategy to keep Lucy off the trail or whether the monkeys just weren’t very good drivers.

  “Children,” Lucy said. “The monkeys have sent us a message.”

  “What do they want?!” Sarah asked.

  “It’s the word ‘banana’ repeated seven hundred times.”

  The end of the detour was looming, and when they exited Jacob knew the monkeys’ ship could go in any direction. Lucy didn’t have any nets or weapons, and there was no way to catch them. They would be forced to follow the monkey ship wherever it was going, and Jacob would surely miss the deadline to announce his candidacy.

  “Do we have any bananas?” Sarah asked.

  There was no way to get Dexter back that didn’t involve giving in to the monkeys’ demands. And Jacob knew that wasn’t an option. “We can’t,” he said quietly.

  “We can’t what?” Sarah asked.

  Jacob stared at the floor. “We can’t give them what they want. I can’t show weakness.”

  “Weakness?!” Sarah shrieked.

  “We can’t negotiate with space monkeys,” Jacob said, seeing things with sudden clarity. He would soon be making decisions that would impact the entire universe, and it meant he had to think about more than just himself and his friends. “Word will get out in space that all you have to do to intimidate me is to kidnap my friends. I can’t take that risk.”

  Sarah’s jaw jutted out and her face flushed. She stood in front of Jacob and stared down at him. “Jacob Wonderbar,” she said quietly. “Do you remember how you felt when you found out I had gone chasing after the diamond instead of rescuing you on Numonia? Do you remember how mad you were? Are you seriously telling me you are not going to go and rescue your best friend after he’s been kidnapped by space monkeys?!”

  Jacob turned his chair away and faced the control panel. “Lucy, please call Officers Bosendorfer and Erard.”

  “Fine,” Lucy said.

  “What are you doing?” Sarah asked.

  After a few rings, someone picked up the intercom with a very loud and very long yawn. “Space officers,” Officer Bosendorfer said finally. “I hope this isn’t an emergency.”

  “Officer Bosendorfer, this is Jacob Wonderbar. I’d like to report a kidnapping. My friend Dexter has been taken by space monkeys, and…”

  “Oh, this is ridiculous,” Sarah said. “What are they going to do?”

  “I agree with the girl,” Officer Bosendorfer said. “What are we going to do? I hate space monkeys.”

  “Space monkeys?” Officer Erard said in the background. “Ugh. Tell them we’re cracking a very important case.”

  “We’re cracking a very important case,” Officer Bosendorfer said. “It’s terribly urgent. It’s the Case of the Cracked… um, Case. Crime of the century.”

  Jacob’s voice had an edge. “Are you space officers aware that I’m running for president of the universe?”

  “Absolutely, Future President Wonderbar! I would vote for you twice if I could. Three times! It’s just that these space monkeys are—”

  “And are you aware that if I’m elected I will be able to pass laws about space officers and what happens to them when they refuse their responsibilities?”

  “But—” Officer Bosendorfer said.

  “And that I will be sure to remember which space officers were helpful to me before I was elected?”

  There was a very long silence on the other end of the line. “Understood, Future President Wonderbar, Your, uh, Eminence. We will certainly find your friend.”

  “Good,” Jacob said.

  “And might I add,” Officer Bosendorfer continued, “that your wisdom is a beautiful pearl that beacons in the stars of, um, space. May your reign be filled with the…”

  Jacob switched off the intercom.

  “They’re not going to find him,” Sarah said. “We have to do it ourselves.”

  Jacob stiffened in his chair. “I’m announcing my candidacy on Planet Headline in a few hours. That’s my job, the space officers will do theirs, and if they don’t, I’ll replace them. I can’t go chasing after space monkeys. Dexter will be okay.”

  Sarah slapped the wall. “I want no part of this. You hear me? None.” She stormed down the stairs and Jacob heard the door to her stateroom slam shut.

  Jacob stared out at the starry canopy of space. “Presidents have to make tough choices,” he said to himself.

  Dexter stared out of his cage at the young chimp that was watching his every move. When Dexter reached up to scratch his head the monkey scratched his head. When he paced inside his cage, the monkey paced in front of him. Finally Dexter crossed his eyes and the monkey stared at him for a moment before screeching and jumping around the room, flailing his arms, turning over some wooden crates, and making a horrible racket.

  Dexter retreated to the back of the cage and sat down in the corner, feeling confident that he had broken a grave rule of monkey self-conduct.

  When the monkeys had shoved him aboard their ship they placed him in a metal cage along with a bowl of water, some sunflower seeds, and a teddy bear. The bars were an inch thick, and although he had shoved against the door, it hadn’t budged. He had no hope of escaping.

  He tried to quell his racing heart and think rationally. He was sitting in a monkey cage on a monkey ship that was flying through space to who knows where. He would have been surprised at the turn of events, only he had been traveling on a ship piloted by Jacob Wonderbar. Of course he would be captured by space monkeys.

  He buried his head in his hands and tried not to cry. The Era of Dexter, which had begun when he had helped rescue Jacob from deranged substitutes the first time they’d been in space, had already taken a severe blow when he had to dodge eighth-grade mutants during PE and sneak through back alleys whenever he walked home from school.

  He had told himself that he would be brave in space, that he would finally put his scared ways behind him. And yet when the gray-haired chimp showed up in the cockpit he had wilted under pressure yet again. He froze and just went right along wherever the monkey pushed him.

  Dexter lifted up his head and brushed off his shoulders. He was goi
ng to escape the cage. He was going to be brave.

  “Hey,” he shouted at the young chimp. “Let me out of here.”

  The chimp stared at him impassively.

  Dexter walked over to the cage door and pantomimed turning a key and opening the lock. The monkey scrambled over and watched what he was doing.

  After a moment the monkey screeched and ran over to the wall, where the key hung from a peg. He ran back over to Dexter and placed it on the floor.

  Dexter lay down on the ground and reached as far as he could, but it was just a few inches out of reach. He stood up and frowned, and the chimp chirped happily.

  He suspected the monkey was messing with him.

  There was a commotion in the hall and the gray-haired monkey bounded in. He pointed at the door to Dexter’s cage, and the young monkey opened it. The gray-haired monkey grabbed at Dexter’s hand, but Dexter pulled back and retreated into the cage. He wasn’t going anywhere with the monkey leader this time. The gray-haired monkey pounded the floor and scrambled into the cage. He grabbed Dexter’s shoulder and pushed him out, and Dexter wasn’t strong enough to resist.

  The monkeys forced him down the hall and into the cockpit, which looked like something out of an old science fiction movie. The dials and levers were old and rusted, and looked nothing like the futuristic screens aboard Lucy and Praiseworthy. The room was strewn with dried leaves and branches, and there were many dents in the walls and floor.

  The gray-haired monkey pushed Dexter down into a chair and stared him in the eye for a moment. Dexter looked away, sensing that something important was about to happen.

  The monkey leader scrambled over to a wall covered with small buttons. He pressed one, and a mechanical voice said, “Me.” He pressed another and it said, “Boris.”