Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  Dexter stared in shock for a moment before he was able to say, “Why would I be Jacob Wonderbar?”

  “I told them to get Jacob Wonderbar!” General Gravy shouted. He threw his hat to the ground, and Patrick shrunk back.

  General Gravy’s face was red as he stomped away. “Never send a monkey to do a man’s job,” he muttered. He turned back before he exited the ship and shouted, “Lock this Earther up!”

  Patrick gave Dexter a gleeful poke and led him off the ship. The soldiers marched him into the giant bunker and down an industrial hallway with metal floors, lit with circular headlamps with bulbs that flickered occasionally.

  Patrick pushed open a door that led to a room full of monkey cages. Dexter’s throat caught when he saw the space monkeys all locked up, shrieking and banging on the walls.

  One of the soldiers unlocked the door to one of the cages and pointed. “In you go.”

  Dexter’s heart sank. “Not again.”

  The soldiers pushed him in, and Dexter found himself once again in a monkey cage, this time with the little chimp who had befriended him on the ship. Rufus crawled into his arms and gave him a hug. He was much heavier than Dexter expected, and he struggled to take a breath.

  He patted the monkey on the back. “I guess we’re in this together.”

  Just when Sarah thought she had dodged the last of the reporters, a small camera shot up through a grate on the sidewalk and flashed in her face.

  “Leave me alone!” she shouted.

  The reporters had thought of everything. They’d followed her into the bathroom at the press center, out onto the street, and continued shouting questions at her no matter how many times she said “No comment.” Finally she had just started running and eventually outlasted the reporters, but she knew they could be lurking around every corner.

  She heard a vehicle approaching. She ducked into a doorway and hid her face as a flying news van with satellites on the roof sped by.

  The whole thing was ridiculous and she just wanted to go home. Jacob had already been hypnotized by the stupid princess of the universe and wouldn’t even try to rescue his best friend, never mind that he had been a quivering wreck when Sarah had left him behind on Numonia once upon a time. And to think her biggest worry had been that he would forget all about her when he was busy passing laws and flying around the universe. No, he was already betraying her and Dexter just a few hours into the election. She hoped he’d lose in a landslide.

  As she stepped back onto the sidewalk, a manhole cover flew off and clanged down the street. The reporters started climbing out of it, looking very pleased with themselves.

  “You were in the sewers?!”

  They were covered in grime and smelled terrible, but were soon pressing microphones in front of her and shouting questions.

  She was quickly surrounded by the pack and couldn’t move.

  “Miss Daisy! Miss Daisy!”

  One of the young reporters elbowed a cameraman in the face and then jostled her way to the front. “Miss Daisy!” she shouted. “Is it true that Jacob Wonderbar is the most wanted criminal on Earth?”

  Sarah smirked and almost shouted “Yes,” as well as many other lies that could sink his campaign, but she was too hurt by Jacob’s decision to even summon insults. She looked at the ground for a moment, and said, “Jacob Wonderbar? I don’t even really know him anymore. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

  She started to walk forward, but the reporters weren’t satisfied and started shouting more questions. Sarah clenched her fists.

  “Oh wow!” she yelled. “I heard there’s a kitten being rescued from a tree by a very cute fireman only a few blocks from here! What an uplifting story, you’d better hurry!”

  The reporters looked at one another for a moment and then all started running away, pushing and shoving each other as they scrambled off in different directions. Sarah was finally free.

  She made her way back to the spaceship parking facility, where Lucy was waiting. If Jacob was too occupied to go rescue Dexter Goldstein, she’d just have to do it herself. She was just about to board when a figure stepped out from the shadows.

  “Going somewhere, Sarah Daisy?”

  Mick Cracken grinned at her.

  “Ugh. What do you want?” Sarah asked.

  Mick’s teeth looked whiter than ever, and Sarah wasn’t sure she had ever seen hair parted in a straighter, more perfect line, which was really saying something, considering some of the hairstyles she had seen on some of the reporters.

  “I don’t think your talents were properly utilized by the Wonderbar campaign,” he said. “What a disappointment that you were forced out under such… dubious circumstances.”

  “Right. Sure. Nice of you to worry about my feelings, Mick. Good seeing you and everything, but I’m… yeah.” Sarah stepped toward Lucy.

  “I want you to be my running mate.”

  Sarah stopped in her tracks and turned back to face him. “What?”

  Mick looked incredibly pleased that he had her interest. “I want you to be my running mate. I could use you in the campaign.”

  Sarah looked around the parking facility. “Is this one of your stupid tricks? Are there cameras somewhere recording this?”

  Mick acted like he was in a great deal of pain. “Oh Sarah, surely you think more of me than that.”

  “Nope.”

  Mick smiled.

  “This isn’t a trick,” he said. “I have the reporters on standby for a press conference. We could announce it immediately.”

  Sarah tried to figure out why Mick would want her on the campaign. While she hated to even consider the idea that anything Princess Pointyhead said remotely resembled the truth, Catalina was definitely right that Sarah really didn’t know much about Astrals and how to run an interplanetary presidential campaign. And it was becoming abundantly clear that most Astrals thought Earthers were dangerous. So what could Sarah possibly offer Mick that would help him in a campaign?

  She imagined standing beside Mick at a press conference, announcing that she was his running mate, and it suddenly dawned on her.

  “It would look bad for Jacob if one of his friends decided to run against him.”

  Mick feigned confusion. “Would it really? Oh. Why… I hadn’t thought of that, I was just hoping to have your talents to help me…”

  “Spare me,” Sarah said.

  She knew Jacob would be furious if he found out that Sarah was campaigning against him, but he had already dumped her overboard for Princess Pointyhead, so it wasn’t as if his hands were so clean. And if she was helping Mick’s campaign, she could make sure that Jacob would really lose, and once Mick won she could resign the vice presidency and go back to Earth with Jacob after the election. Then everything would finally go back to normal.

  Plus, she thought, gaining a little bit of steam and confidence, Mick was right about one thing. Her talents really weren’t utilized in the Wonderbar campaign. Astral knowledge or not, it wasn’t as if she was completely useless.

  “I’ll think about it,” she said.

  Mick nodded as if he expected this. “Would you at least like a tour of my new ship?”

  She walked with him over to a sparkling black spaceship. It was long and sleek, forming a perfect triangle with a small teardrop of a cockpit on top. There were two massive boosters at the back, and a small gangway leading into the hold. The words “Mick Jr.” were plated in silver cursive along the side.

  “What’s this?” she asked.

  “This,” Mick said, his voice bursting with pride, “is my new spaceship. I had a hand in designing every detail. It’s the fastest ship in the universe, the most luxurious… it has stealth capabilities and the greatest gaming system on any spaceship in the universe.”

  He ran his fingers lovingly along the hull, then took out a handkerchief and carefully wiped the place where he had touched it.

  “Where did you get this?”

  “It was my twelfth birthday present,” he sa
id.

  Sarah recalled Mick’s father, the king of the universe, saying that Mick was done flying spaceships for a while. “How did you convince your dad to give you this?”

  Mick looked terribly concerned about a tiny speck that had appeared on the hull. He gave it a gentle flick and then sighed in relief. “Um. It might have also been a reward for finally getting a D in Earther Studies.”

  “Wow, Mick. Your dad must be so proud.”

  Mick didn’t seem to notice her sarcasm, and when he reached the gangway, he bowed and gestured. “After you, mademoiselle.”

  He led her onto the ship, which was all gleaming black plastic and leather inside. Electronic lounge music was playing softly. There was a large painting on one of the walls, upon which was spray-painted “Mick Rules!” Sarah noted that the painting was signed by Mick Cracken.

  “So?” Mick asked. “What do you think?”

  Sarah thought about the election ahead, and she knew she had to do it. She wanted to make sure Jacob would lose, even if that meant aligning herself with a conceited buccaneer with poor taste in art.

  “All right, Mick,” Sarah sighed. “Fine. I’ll do it. But on one condition. Dexter Goldstein was captured by space monkeys, and we have to find him, or I quit.”

  Mick’s eyes glinted, but he didn’t smile. “I think that can be arranged.”

  Sarah crossed her arms. “Last time we made a deal you were lying out of your teeth.”

  “I’m sure that won’t happen again,” Mick said.

  She didn’t believe him, but she didn’t see much of a choice either. It wasn’t as if she knew how to save Dexter from space monkeys. She waited a moment before saying, “Fine.” She reached out and shook, then had a sudden urge to disinfect her hands.

  “See, Mick Jr.?” Mick shouted. “I told you she’d agree!”

  “Ha!” Mick’s voice echoed back. “Great work, master. The presidency will soon be ours… Er… I mean yours…”

  Sarah’s jaw dropped. “You programmed the ship’s nav system to be… you? The spaceship talks like you?!”

  Mick looked immensely pleased with himself.

  Sarah was already beginning to regret her decision.

  Jacob almost didn’t recognize the spaceship Praiseworthy. He was painted a brilliant orange and decorated with impressive metallic streamers. The dainty horses carved into the exterior had blazing golden manes, and the lace and frill were adorned to look like flags. The last time Jacob had seen Praiseworthy, the ship had been painted a sloppy black by Mick Cracken, and Praiseworthy himself had been thrilled with the color scheme, feeling it gave him a more threatening image as a buccaneer ship.

  “Master Wonderbar,” Praiseworthy exclaimed when Jacob stepped on board. “I couldn’t be more pleased! Welcome!”

  “They painted you orange? What about your days as a buccaneer vessel?”

  “Oh, Master Wonderbar, your memory is quite impressive. I did enjoy my days as a dashing buccaneer ship, but I couldn’t be happier with my new color. When Princess Catalina told me I might be the personal escort vessel for the future president of the universe, I swiftly asked the maintenance crews to paint me orange. It is your favorite color, isn’t it, Master Wonderbar?”

  Jacob smiled as he sat down in the copilot seat. “Thanks, Praiseworthy.”

  Catalina tossed a small gadget into Jacob’s lap. It was a piece of plastic, orange on one side and black on the other. “Your Astral Telly,” she said. Jacob noticed that she held on to her own, which was purple and encrusted with jewels. “You’re going to love this. You don’t even have to turn a hand crank for a half hour like you do with your pathetic Earther phones.”

  “Um. We don’t—”

  “Quick demonstration. Just say ‘Call’ and the name of the person you want to talk to and let the Telly do the rest. When you want to hang up, just say ‘End call.’ Like so…”

  Catalina held up her phone and said, “Call Michaelus Cracken.” She waited a moment, and Mick’s face appeared on Catalina’s screen.

  He scowled and said, “What?”

  “You’re ugly. End call.” Mick’s face dissolved to black. Catalina smiled brilliantly at Jacob. “See how that works?”

  “Okay…”

  “You can use it to watch television too. Just say the station you want to watch. You’ll probably want to watch a lot of ANN, so be sure and—”

  “What’s A-N-N?”

  Catalina froze, and then took a deep breath as if to steady herself. “Oh my. Jacob Wonderbar, you have so much to learn. ANN. It stands for Astral News Network. They’re going to be covering the election twenty-five zoomecs a starweek.”

  Jacob looked down at his phone and said, “ANN.”

  Sarah Daisy appeared on his screen, and with a flash Jacob found himself inside a spaceship watching Sarah. She was standing in front of a microphone next to Mick Cracken in what looked like a trendy nightclub, or at least the décor was entirely black and there was soft lounge music playing. He turned and looked around and no one seemed to have noticed his arrival. Jacob waved at Sarah, but she didn’t see him. Everywhere he looked, the ANN logo was etched into the corner of his vision.

  She seemed to be giving a speech, and she was saying, “… and that is why I’ve decided to become Mick Cracken’s running mate.”

  “No!” Jacob shouted, but no one heard him.

  “Why do you think Mick Cracken will make a good president?” a reporter asked.

  There had to have been a mistake. Sarah said she was finding Dexter and going back to Earth. He couldn’t begin to understand why she was campaigning for president with his worst enemy.

  Sarah stared straight ahead. “He’s… Um… Well, he’s… Wow. The question is, why do I think Mick Cracken will make a good president?” She looked over at a beaming Mick Cracken. Sarah stalled for a few moments longer, staring at Mick, before she finally nodded to herself and said, “He doesn’t always smell.”

  Jacob felt completely numb. “How do I get out of here? I want out of here!” he yelled.

  From somewhere outside his head Catalina said, “Just say ‘Off.’”

  “Off. Now.” Jacob said, but it didn’t work.

  “Not ‘Off now,’ just ‘Off.’”

  He yelled, “Off!” and he found himself back aboard Praiseworthy. He threw the Telly into Catalina’s hands.

  “What is that thing? How was I inside that ship?”

  Catalina looked at Jacob as if he had gone insane. “Um. It’s called television.”

  Jacob tried to make sense of Sarah joining Mick’s campaign. He knew that she was upset that he hadn’t immediately gone to rescue Dexter, and of course she wasn’t happy when he agreed to let Catalina join the campaign, but he never thought she’d try and get back at him by siding with his worst enemy. He thought back to their last trip to space and the way Sarah and Mick had seemed oddly close after spending so much time together trying to steal the Dragon’s Eye…

  Maybe Mick had been the whole reason she wanted to get back to space in the first place. She could have been lying when she said she was going to look for Dexter. It all could have just been an excuse so she could go run off with Mick.

  “Hey,” Catalina said.

  She took Jacob’s hands and made him sit up.

  “Don’t worry about a thing. You still have the prettier running mate!” She reached out to hug him.

  Jacob frowned, knowing how offended Sarah would be if she heard Catalina say that.

  “You know they have a crush on each other,” Catalina said softly.

  Jacob’s mood darkened further.

  “Hey, hey,” Catalina said gently. “I’m here for you, Jakey. I know how great you are, and she’s just crazy if she’s too blind to see it.”

  “Thanks,” Jacob mumbled as he accepted Catalina’s hug. His brain felt like it was spinning in circles, and he was at least glad to have someone there with him who thought he was great, someone who was famous and a princess and who happened t
o be correct when she bragged about being pretty.

  “I know just the thing to distract you,” Catalina said.

  “What?”

  “Praiseworthy, please set your course for Planet Dork.”

  “What’s Planet Dork?” Jacob asked.

  Catalina smiled. “I think you may know it as Planet Archimedes.”

  Jacob stood up quickly and said, “No way.” He definitely knew that planet. The last time he had been there he had been captured by insane scientists and deported to a planet full of substitute teachers. “Why are we going there?”

  “Because you need a history lesson.”

  Jacob’s Telly buzzed to life. Catalina stared at it for a moment and then tossed it over to him.

  “Looks like the press knows you’re registered. You have seven hundred missed calls.”

  All right, out you go! Bananas for everyone!” Patrick Gravy opened the cage doors and the monkeys scrambled out. “Not that you deserve them, filthy monsters…”

  Rufus tugged on Dexter’s hand, but he resisted and stayed in the cage.

  “Earthers too,” Patrick said, stepping over to Dexter’s cage with a happy sneer. He was clutching a small bat, which he tapped on the edge of the cage. “Don’t make me get nasty.”

  Dexter wondered what Patrick’s nasty side could possibly look like, considering how rotten his good side had been, but he decided not to test him to find out. He stepped out of the cage, his body sore from the cramped quarters and from holding Rufus. He had trouble sleeping the night before. Not only were the quarters tiny and dank, but every few minutes a muffled bang outside shook his cage and woke him up.

  He had spent some time trying to figure out how he had possibly ended up held captive in a cage by strange soldiers, but he could not begin to make sense of it. He wondered if Sarah and Jacob were trying to rescue him or if they even knew where he was. But there was really only one conclusion to be reached: He had to escape.