Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  If she stayed on the campaign, she was giving Earth a sure chance of survival. If Jacob won the election, he could save Earth and get rid of the Valkyrians. And if Mick won, Sarah could do her best to stop them as Mick’s vice president.

  Either way, she knew she couldn’t quit Mick’s campaign.

  You look amazing, champ. Exquisite! I just need you to hold that position for two beats.”

  Jacob was holding hands with a woman who looked somewhat but not exactly like his mother on a set that looked somewhat but not exactly like his house on a planet that was absolutely nothing like any place he had ever been. His “mother” was a bit younger than his real mom and her skin was lighter, and Jacob found the differences somewhat offensive. Catalina had assured him she was the closest approximation they could find on short notice.

  A director in dark black sunglasses directed his every move and facial expression. Jacob was growing very tired of trying to act out his everyday life. Also, he was reasonably sure he had seen the Astral actress on a daytime soap opera he had watched one day when he was home from school.

  It had been Catalina’s idea to humanize Jacob by filming a campaign commercial that would portray him as a normal, average, and unthreatening kid from Earth, but nothing about arriving at Planet Cut! Cut! or pretending that the actress was his mom felt normal. In fact, the whole thing was quite bizarre and uncomfortable.

  “Hi,” Jacob said to the camera, reciting the lines that Catalina had written for him. “I’m Jacob Wonderbar, just a normal kid from Earth. This is my mom. She’s an Earther too. You might be surprised that she doesn’t make me live in a basement and eat mice for dinner. Nope. She wants what’s best for me, and hopes that someday I’ll grow up and keep her entertained in her twilight years, just like any other mom.”

  Jacob thought the lines were stupid, but Catalina insisted they would help him with the Astral mother demographic.

  “Great, champ!” the director shouted. “Now, just look at your mom, and I want you to look very, very sad. Like, so crazy sad as if your dog flew away mixed with your grandmother dying mixed with seeing the last scene of Astral Tuesday. Go with that! Work it!”

  “Hey,” Jacob whispered to the actress as he tried to look sad. “Have you been to Earth?”

  “Don’t lose the feeling!” the director shouted. “I mean, Jacob darling, you’ve got to own this scene. Own it! Sad, champ. Look very sad.”

  “Many times,” the woman whispered. “You know, many of the people you see in Hollywood are Astrals…”

  Jacob let go of her hand in surprise and forgot about looking sad. “How many Astrals are on—”

  The director shoved over his cloth director’s chair and yelled, “Cut! Cut! You people… Ugh! The magic is gone. I can’t work under these conditions. EVERYONE TAKE FIVE!” The director wandered off muttering to himself and Jacob thought he heard him sobbing when he reached his trailer.

  Catalina stepped over, clapping. “Jakey, this is great!”

  There were many words that Jacob would have used to describe the experience of filming the campaign commercial, and great was not one of them.

  “Just one more scene to go,” she said. “We want to dramatize what happened with your dad leaving you behind and—”

  “How do you know about my dad?” Jacob said, the blood suddenly rushing through his ears. He had never once spoken to Catalina about his father, and in fact he hardly ever even talked to Sarah and Dexter about it. They at least had the common sense and decency to broach the topic very lightly and carefully so that whenever Jacob didn’t want to talk about it he didn’t have to, and they certainly would have known without asking that he wouldn’t want the whole thing paraded around in front of Astrals as a way of getting a few more votes. He looked around at the crew members fussing with props in the house and touching up the paint. He loathed the idea of talking about his father in front of them.

  “Oh,” Catalina said. “Oh, Jakey, well… You do remember that I was there with you aboard Praiseworthy last time you were in space when you found the pipe and wanted to go looking for your dad and you had that big fight with Sarah and Dex? I haven’t been investigating you or anything. I just thought it was a dramatic moment that—”

  “What do you know about it?” he said, trying not to yell.

  Catalina’s face went white, and she looked as if she couldn’t decide whether to smile or cry. “Nothing, Jacob. Nothing. I just thought… You know, not everyone has two parents, and that’s something that many Astrals can relate to. It Astralizes you.”

  In a distant region of his brain he realized that he had never heard Catalina mention her mother and hadn’t really thought about the fact that there wasn’t a queen of the universe. But he was too mad about the commercial and the mention of his dad to calm down. That actress was not his mom and didn’t even look like his mom. Catalina was always trying to make things fine by faking everything.

  “Where’s Dexter?” Jacob asked. He knew that Dexter would understand.

  Catalina wiped a fleck of mascara out of her eyelash. “He’s taking care of the monkeys.”

  Jacob started walking away, but Catalina jumped in front of him.

  “Jacob,” Catalina said quietly. “I’m sorry if I made you upset. I… I care about you. I really, really do. You know that, right?”

  Jacob stared at her a moment and thought about the wrinkled postcard sitting on his shelf back on Earth. “Have you ever heard of a place called Dakota, Arizona?”

  Catalina blinked. “What? I…”

  “Have you ever heard of a place called Dakota, Arizona?!”

  “No!” she said quickly. “No, I haven’t. Is that where you’re from?”

  Jacob shook his head and kept walking. He knew he shouldn’t be so frustrated with Catalina, that she was just trying to help, and she had done her best to jump-start the campaign. He also knew that she really did like him, maybe too much. But she just didn’t understand him. He didn’t want to fake being an Astral, even if it worked.

  It was time for him to be himself. And it was time to plan something bigger than a campaign commercial. To do something really spectacular.

  “I’ll be in my trailer,” he said, and he walked away.

  He waited for Catalina to challenge him, but she let him go.

  Sarah knew from the poll numbers that she was growing popular among Astrals, but it wasn’t until she looked out at the hundreds of thousands of people who had gathered on Planet Stupendia that she had any idea exactly what those numbers meant in real life. There was a big difference between seeing on her Telly that 74 percent of Astrals liked her versus actually seeing a huge, cheering, excited mob that had come out in droves just to hear her speak.

  After noticing the huge spike in her popularity numbers, it had been Sarah’s idea to throw a big introductory event where she could speak to Astrals in order to demonstrate her popularity and hopefully win over the remaining skeptics. Mick had suggested they hold it on Stupendia, the most beautiful of the Astral planets, which had been reserved entirely for hiking enthusiasts and nature lovers. It featured spectacular sunsets every six Earth hours, followed by majestic auroras in the nighttime sky. Mick figured it would give the best visuals.

  Sarah had taken side trips to the Grand Canyon and Yosemite during some of the college visits that her parents organized every summer, but those natural wonders paled in comparison to the physical beauty of Stupendia. The area they had reserved for the adoring crowds was in a valley surrounded by majestic snowcapped peaks, and behind Sarah was a green glacial lake that looked like it stretched on into infinity. The sky was perfectly blue and she was sure she’d never breathed such pure, unpolluted air. She figured half the people tuning in on their Tellys would be doing so just to experience the wonderful views.

  The crowd cheered as Mick stepped to the podium to give her a brief introduction. She could barely listen to him, she was so nervous. She had never given a speech before, let alone before hundreds of th
ousands of people and millions around the universe watching on their Tellys. Her ears pricked up when she thought she heard Mick say she was working on her anger management issues, but she was still too distracted to really listen.

  Finally, she heard Mick say, “And now, allow me to introduce my running mate, someone who reports to me, and who it was my idea to choose… Sarah Daisy.”

  The crowd gave a deafening roar. Sarah couldn’t help but note that she had received a louder ovation than Mick. She wondered if he noticed.

  When the cheering finally died down several minutes later, she cleared her throat and said “Hi,” into the microphone. The crowd erupted in cheers again and Sarah had to wait another couple of minutes for them to give her another standing ovation.

  “Your support means a lot to me!” Sarah Daisy said as the cheering finally ebbed.

  Sarah had given her speech a great deal of thought and had a feeling she knew exactly what to say. She had even curled her hair with swoops and swirls in what she hoped was a particularly Astral style.

  She gave her voice a folksy inflection. “When I was growing up, why, I was too poor to go to space. I looked up the stars and I said to my daddy, ‘Golly, I sure hope I can go up there one day.’ I was just a little Earther girl with a big dream.”

  Sarah didn’t like to call herself an Earther, but she knew that was what the Astrals wanted.

  “And then one day a spaceship arrived, and it changed my life forever.” She leaned into the microphone. “But not in the way I expected.”

  She paused for dramatic effect. She sensed things were going well.

  “What I didn’t know at the time was that there was an incredible civilization out in space. So much more advanced than us silly little Earthers. You have so much to teach us. And so much love to give.”

  The crowd roared at the mention of love, and over the din she heard many Astrals shout, “We love you, Sarah!” She waved at the crowd for silence.

  “But gosh darn it, you don’t want to listen to me and this boring speech, do you? You don’t need to hear me go on for hours. I’m going to…”

  This was the key moment in the speech. She knew she couldn’t wow them solely with her words. They needed something more exciting than that.

  She ran to the side of the stage, hopped on a flying motorcycle, revved it loudly, and the crowd gasped in excitement when she sailed over them. They cheered in surprise and jumped up and down. She threw out candy as she flew over, and then pressed a button and her motorcycle lit up with lights. She completed her tour over the crowd and soared back to the stage, relieved that a day of flying motorcycle practice had been sufficient to prevent her from crashing into the side of a mountain.

  She hopped off the motorcycle and walked back to the stage as the crowd chanted her name. She signaled for silence, and waited until the entire crowd was completely hushed. Then she whispered, “Thank you, Astrals. I love you.”

  The crowd let out its most deafening cheer. She waved and waved and smiled until her cheeks hurt.

  She knew she had nailed it. They loved her. There was no way they would want to destroy Earth if she were living on it, and she might have just ensured that she would be the future vice president of the universe. She beamed at Mick, but he didn’t smile back.

  She didn’t care if he was jealous.

  Amid the tremendous amount of spaceship traffic entering Stupendia for the Sarah Daisy rally, no one seemed to notice a newly disguised Praiseworthy slip into the atmosphere. Jacob and Dexter had personally painted Praiseworthy black and taken down the flags and streamers for this important secret mission. Praiseworthy stayed as far away from other ships as possible, and Jacob made sure all incoming communications traffic was jammed.

  “Master Wonderbar, this is terrifically exciting!” Praiseworthy shouted. “I feel I am a buccaneer ship all over again. Tally ho, dare I say!”

  As they flew over the valley where the rally was being held, Jacob was stunned by the number of Astrals who had turned out to see Sarah Daisy. They stretched across the entire meadow, and he wasn’t sure he had ever seen so many people in one place. Many people held banners and posters with Sarah’s face. He knew she had become popular, but it was still awe-inspiring to see how excited the Astrals were to see her in person.

  Catalina and Dexter emerged from their staterooms wearing their disguises, dressed in black from head to toe. Jacob was already dressed and ready to go, and pulled on a black backpack that held their essential supplies.

  “Ready?”

  “Ready.” They nodded.

  Jacob was surprised that Dexter was not having a mild-to-severe panic attack, which was his usual mental state prior to pulling a prank. He seemed uncharacteristically giddy, and Jacob couldn’t tell if he was excited about facing certain danger or if he was completely terrified.

  They slipped out into the Stupendia wilderness. The planet’s orange sun had set, and the twilight was bright enough that they could see where they were going, but was just dark enough that they could easily disguise themselves among the trees. Sarah’s voice echoed around the surrounding mountains, punctuated occasionally by cheering Astrals.

  They ran along a small stream toward the massive lake behind Sarah’s rally platform. Dexter tripped a few times over rocks and boulders, but managed to keep up. Catalina grabbed Jacob’s hand for balance a few more times than he thought was probably necessary.

  Finally they reached the shore of the lake. Jacob peered around until he spotted a black mass in a clearing between them and the rally platform.

  “Jackpot,” he whispered.

  He signaled Catalina and Dexter to follow him, and they crept along until they had reached a sleek black spaceship sitting completely alone and unguarded in a small clearing. Jacob couldn’t believe that Mick Cracken had left his ship defenseless.

  Jacob set down the pack and divvied up its contents. Catalina and Dexter quietly took their supplies and slunk off into the forest. Jacob heard another wild cheer and he had a feeling the speech was nearing its end. Catalina and Dexter needed to hurry to time everything just right.

  He took out a can of spray paint and walked over to Mick Jr. The ship’s hull gleamed even in the dim light, and Jacob almost felt bad about what he was about to do.

  Almost.

  Jacob started spraying. He worked quickly, moved over a bit, added a few more letters. He finished off with one long underline.

  He stepped back and admired his handiwork. It was beautiful. The words “WONDERBAR RULES!” were painted in bright orange along the entire length of the ship. He only wished he could see the expression on Mick’s face when he saw it.

  Jacob heard the loudest cheer yet, and when the applause kept going and going, he knew the speech was finished. He held his breath, waiting for Dexter and Catalina to complete their mission.

  He heard a loud explosion. He laughed and pumped his fist and started running toward the sound.

  As he ran, he looked up into the sky as gigantic fireworks lit up the valley with the words “CRACKEN STINKS!” A hush fell over the Astrals.

  Jacob reached into his pocket and quickly pulled on his face mask, but he still caught a whiff of the horrible rotten egg stink bomb that lent the proper accompaniment to their message. He heard a second explosion and the sky lit up again, this time with “WONDERBAR FOR PRESIDENT!”

  He reached the small clearing where Dexter and Catalina had set off the fireworks and they all high-fived. Dexter gave Jacob an awkward chest bump.

  “That was awesome!” Dexter yelled.

  “Shh!” Jacob whispered. “Come on, we need to get back to Praiseworthy.”

  Dexter shook his head. “No. I want to chase this feeling. One more prank.”

  Jacob’s heart raced. They needed to get back to Praiseworthy and blast off before they were caught by some of Mick’s Planet Valkyrie goons.

  “Dexter, no. We—”

  Jacob was too late. Dexter had already run off in the direction of Mick J
r.

  “Dexter!” he whispered after him, but Dexter kept going.

  He kicked a rock and whispered to Catalina, “Get back to the ship. I’ll go get Dexter and—”

  Jacob heard a rustling sound. He turned in time to see Rufus bounding through the clearing. He screeched at Jacob and charged off in Dexter’s direction.

  “Oh no,” Jacob said.

  He started running after Rufus. Jacob could hear voices growing closer and knew that Mick’s men were probably closing in.

  He had almost reached the clearing and still hadn’t seen any sign of Dexter when Jacob suddenly tripped and went sprawling onto the ground. Whatever had tripped him was soft and almost felt… human.

  “Sorry,” Dexter whispered. He pressed his face back into the ground.

  Jacob glanced around to see if anyone had spotted them. They were safe for now.

  “What are you doing?” Jacob asked.

  “I changed my mind,” Dexter whispered. “Being brave is scary.”

  They heard a monkey’s screech and Rufus swung among the branches above them before scrambling down a tree and into the clearing toward Mick’s ship.

  “Rufus, no!” Dexter whispered.

  “Dexter, get him back!” Jacob whispered.

  “I can’t,” Dexter said.

  Rufus scrambled over to the ship and pounded on its side, creating a huge echoing racket. Jacob prepared to run away. He couldn’t risk his entire campaign to save a monkey.

  Rufus bounded over to the silver “Mick Jr.” signature plate and stared at it for a moment. He reached out and touched the silver longingly with his fingers. Then, with a mighty heave, he pulled the plate straight off of the ship. He jumped up and down in triumph and ran over to Jacob and Dexter with his trophy.

  Jacob laughed. “Nice one, Rufus!”