Stricken Desire

by S. K. Logsdon

  Viewing myself in the small mirror above the sink I tuck my hair behind my ears and wash my face and hands. I refuse to use the hand towel to dry my face so I use my shirt instead. I’m sure it’s more sanitary. I’d hate to know how long it’s been since that hand towel has been washed and I am quite certain it has multiple men’s semen adorning it somewhere. I’ve never had a man’s sperm on my face and I am not about to start now.

  I exit the bathroom and go to join the crew in the living area. It’s quieter now.

  “Did we wake you?” Keith asks. Even in the morning without a shower he looks fabulous. I wish I was that lucky.

  “No not really. I needed to get up anyhow. I told you all I am not going to care if you are loud or having sex. I handled it last night fine. Don’t worry I’m not fragile.” I shoot them a collective genuine smile.

  I swear they were all holding their breaths at the same time because I heard a simultaneous sigh come out of every man’s mouth.

  I open the fridge and frown. The only thing in there is cold pizza, beer and milk. I open the cupboard and find a crap load of sweets, protein powder. Not a box of cereal or granola bar in sight. I am going to have to go shopping in Tucson to stock up. I can’t live on beer. Stacy comes over to me as I am rummaging through the cupboards. I need coffee.

  “Can I talk to you?” He leans in and whispers in my ear. I nod.

  The men all start their music session again and I follow Stacy towards the back of the bus where we stand in front of the bathroom door.

  “What’s up?”

  “Apparently Johnathan isn’t mad anymore. He said you two talked and it’s cool. I am so happy you don’t have to leave us. Like I said last night I know he’s hard to get along with but if you do it’ll be easier on us both.”

  “Okay.” I clasp my hand over his shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze.

  “You’re so wonderful Em.” He snatches me up into a big hug. “I hope you know how much I love you Annie.”

  “You know I hate when you call me that.” I pinch his arm.

  Annie is a nickname I’ve had since I was in school. Some lame girl I don’t even remember the name of gave it to me. And it wasn’t given out of love, she was mad that Stacy and I are such good friends. She wanted to date him and thought I was preventing that. It’s not like I could ever prevent Stacy from doing anything. He’s an independent man. The name cycled around school and stuck. I got lucky enough for it not to follow me to college. Although at times Stacy still brings it up to tease me. Which I hate. But I love him a lot so I tolerate it.

  I sneak into the bathroom and change into something less PJ like that fits my style. A dress. I love dresses. I can’t get enough of them. Skirts, dresses, you name it, I love it. Jeans I wear if I have to but only if I have to. I also can never get enough of high heels. Not hooker ones but classy ones. I have fifty pairs back in my apartment in NYC. If it wasn’t for this job and my wonderful roommate Joe and his girlfriend Cara I couldn’t live where we do in NY. I rent a three-bedroom sublet condo. But it’s fabulous and close to just about everything. We have a grocery a half a block down, a coffee shop one block and the subway is two blocks. Convenient and well decorated thanks to my fantastic fashion sense I found the condo on my own when I was still attending NYU and I landed a job quickly upon graduation and sublet the place. Couldn’t afford it on my own for long so I found Joe a buddy from work and his modern dance girlfriend Cara. So we split the rent three ways. Joe’s like my brother I never had and we kind of look alike. With our matching red hair and pale skin. But he has freckles and I don’t. Cara is amazing too but I think I make her nervous. Not sure why but if I had to guess I’d say she thinks Joe’s and I’s friendship is more than that. But it’s not and never could be. Stacy hates that I live with Joe. Well I think it’s mutual because they have met I think twice maybe three times and talked on the phone a couple of times. But for one reason or another they can’t stand each other. Jealousy? Maybe. Even though I could never understand why.

  I return to the living room and slide my belongings back into my suitcase. Searching for a clock and find the time on the stove. Holy shit I was right. I did sleep in a long time today. It’s three already and I’m starving.

  “So boys did you already eat?” I ask interrupting some sort of conversation.

  “No, we’re almost to Tucson so we can grab a bite there.” Stacy says.

  I nod and return back to my bunk leaving the men to themselves. I had slid my Nook into the pocket on the inside of my bunk. I don’t think I could function without that thing. I read all the time. On average two books a week maybe three if I’m not super busy. I wish I could read more but unfortunately my time doesn’t allow for it. I’m nearly finished with Fifty Shades Freed. I know reading a romance BDSM book isn’t the smartest when you’re sleeping in a bus full of horny men. But I gotta get my loving from somewhere. My guess as to why I am so content with being single and not screwing around is because I get to live vicariously through my books. Not that I think that’s healthy or anything but after what happened with Chris and the other bad thing that happened when I was small with my uncle. That only my mom and Stacy know about. Kind of leaves me shut out and I know my books can’t break my heart, beat me, cheat on me or molest me.

  I somehow find myself awakened by Stacy when we arrive to the hotel we are staying in for three days. I must have fallen back a sleep on the bus.

  “Get up sleepyhead we’re here.” He says nudging me with his hand.

  I sit up hop down out of the bunk and go to collect my things but I can’t find them.

  “Where’s my clothes Stacy? You didn’t throw them outdid you?” I scold him pointing my finger to where I left my bag.

  “Well the ones I thought were okay I had one of the bellboys take up to your hotel room but yes I did throw some of them out.” He smiles nervously, and runs his hand through his hair.

  “You did what!” I shriek.

  “You can’t be on this tour for twelve more weeks and have those kinds of clothes. They aren’t suitable for this kind of gig.”

  “I will wear what I want you pompous fucker.” I scold, shaking my finger at him.

  “Not here you can’t. We have an image to uphold. You should know all about that being in the PR business. Your part of a team and the team doesn’t dress in foo-foo dresses and pantsuits. It doesn’t work.”

  I want to scream and run away. I love my clothes! I packed what I thought was sensible for a sensible businesswoman. Not for a roadie bitch with crotchless panties and micro miniskirts. Stacy wants me to be reasonable but he sucks all the reason out of it.

  “Please tell me you didn’t throw out my heels or my blue leather skirt.”

  “No those are some things I think are okay to wear. But I did throw out all the dresses except the tight black one and I tossed the tennis shoes and all those nasty granny panties. Seriously Em, you’re twenty four not sixty four. Wear panties like women your age not your grandmas.”

  What the hell does he know? He gets to strut around in boxers. Which are basically shorts to wear under your pants. Those are meant to be comfortable. G-strings are not! I’ve tried them. My panties are not granny. Well I don’t think they are. They’re white briefs and come in a pack of six straight from fruit of the loom.

  I’m on fire on the inside. I am so pissed at him. For being my best friend he sure as hell sucks at it sometimes.

  “First off Stacy they’re underwear what does it matter what kind I wear? This is about fashion. Those are not going to be seen. I don’t think it should matter if they are granny or not. I like them because they are cotton and comfortable.” I smart off.

  “Yeah, but I’ll KNOW you’re wearing them and that’s not sexy. You’re beautiful Em. You need to wear panties that showcase that.”

  “Why does it matter if you think I’m sexy or not? NOBODY is going to be near my panties Stacy.”

  “But maybe they will. Maybe one day you you’ll find a man to
share your bed again. And trust me you don’t want him taking those things off your body. That’s just embarrassing.”

  “I don’t want to sleep with anyone Stacy you know that. So no one will be sharing my bed. I can promise you that! And you’re telling me if you were attracted to a woman and found her wearing those kinds of panties you’d be turned off?” I raise an eyebrow. Yep I asked that jerk-wad.

  “I’d have to love a woman for a long time to be okay with her wearing panties like that. So yes if I just met a woman and I went to fuck her and she wore those monstrosities I would go limp.” He nodded with attitude.

  “Well, it’s nice to know where we stand BEST FRIEND.” I stalk past him and just as I am about to go out of the bus I find Johnathan standing on the second to bottom step in my way.

  I stop and stare right at him locking my green eyes with his and the guilty look on his face says it all. He’s been listening to our entire conversation. Son of a bitch!

  “Well ass-wipe I hope you enjoyed the show now get the hell out of my way.” He hesitantly backs down the stairs and lets me pass. I run in my flip-flops and my only flowery dress left into the hotel Chaderella and find Keith standing in the lobby wearing his usual plain shirt and jean shorts with leather flip-flops.

  Tears are pouring down my cheeks. I am seriously an emotional mess. The past two days have been terrible. Between the shit with Johnathan and D and now the whole panties thing. I can’t help but breakdown. Keith turns around and sees me crying. Within a second he’s got me wrapped tightly in his arms, his hand caressing my back. God he feels so good and warm and loving. I am never touched my men. Stacy yes, but that doesn’t count.

  “What’s wrong Em?” he asks his voice is so warm and sweet. I wrap my arms around him tighter and when I look over I see both assholes walking into the hotel together chatting like nothing happened. I hide my face into Keith’s chest and my sobbing kicks up a notch. He keeps caressing my back his hands are rough yet sensual. We are standing in view of the public and I’m having a meltdown. But he doesn’t seem to mind.

  “What happened guys?” I hear him ask the assholes.

  “I said something to her that she didn’t like and it’s the damn truth. Johnathan overheard us.”

  I want to haul off and scream bloody murder at him. But I can’t do it. I am more hurt now than I am anything else. Stacy seriously just told me he thought I was beautiful but that my panties turn him off. Not that I need him to be turned on by me. But that is a total punch in the self-esteem. Mine is bad enough as it is. I don’t need him telling me I turn him off too.

  “What happened?” Keith asks and pulls me off of him once they leave so I can see him face-to-face.

  “When I was sleeping Stacy threw out most of my clothes, told me that they don’t fit the bands image and then says that my underwear are granny panties. So he threw them out too because they are a turn off.”

  “Seriously?” he cocks his eyebrow. Wow, he is so fine. I wipe my cheeks and nod.

  Keith shows me up to my room and leaves me at the door. I shut it with a good-bye. Holy shit my room is huge. This is so not a standard room. It’s a freaking suite. Why in the world would I need a suite? I sleep in a bunk and now I am upgraded to this? That makes no sense.

  I walk into the bathroom and thank the heavens it has a tub. I so need an actual bath. Yep, soaking in my own filth for a while with some bath salts should do me some good. I find my bag which is completely gutted and find I have like two outfits left and all my heels. Plus I have zero panties to wear except the ones I have on and I am so not going to put those back on. I might be desperate but I’m not that desperate.

  I find my iPod and my ear-buds in the zipper pocket and take them with me into the bathroom. I turn on the water and acclimate the temperature to my liking. Hot and steamy to make my legs nice and red. This lovely hoity-toity hotel has complimentary bath salts. I toss them into the tub, letting them dissolve while I undress.

  I dip into the tantalizingly hot tub, lay my iPod on a towel and put in my hot pink ear-buds. My music collection is extensive. I love most kinds of music. Rap, R&B, Fifties, Sixties, Seventies and Eighties, Hard Rock, Boy bands, Alternative Rock, Country. You name it I probably love some music group or musician from it. When I was younger I loved N-Sync, Keith Sweat, Brian McKnight, Guns N roses and a shit ton of others. I still love them all and even more. Including the band I am now working for, Stricken the hottest or one of the top five hottest in the world.

  I am going to be stuck for three weeks of touring. I will get a short break for a week and then I am back on the road with them another eight weeks. Not that I have much to go back to. Joe I am sure he fine with me being away. My dad still drives truck so he’s rarely home and my mom now works full-time as a nurse. Not sure where I’ll go or what I will do when I get our break but maybe I’ll go with Stacy to visit his mom. I know she’s sick and I know he’s probably going to need a hand to hold through this terrible time in his life. With being divorced twice and no kids. All he really has is me and the band. I can’t think of many other friends he has. His work is his life and I’m the only other person that fills the extra space in between. Most of which is talking on the phone or Skyping.

  God this hot water feels wonderful. I can’t help but relish in it. I have so needed this since last night. I close my eyes and tilt my head back relaxing it on the rim of the tub. Oh this is the life. I am jamming to some Christiana Aguilera the early stuff and I feel weird. Like I am being watched. My hair on my body is standing up and I haven’t a clue why. I open my eyes and my heart just about explodes in my chest.

  “Oh my god! What the hell are you doing in here? JOHNATHAN!” I screech. Sitting up like a slingshot I throw my ear-buds off the side of the tub and cover my privates with my hands.

  “So… sorry.” He mutters his face is in pure shock, and so is mine. He turns around, leaving his back to face me.

  “Hey Em, Your door was open I wasn’t sure…” I hear Stacy say and he comes into the bathroom too. Now it’s a damn threesome. His eyes widen and anger pierces his gaze once he sees Johnathan standing there.

  “What the fuck dude?” he says to Johnathan.

  “I…”

  Stacy cuts him off. “Did he see you naked?” he peers around big lead singer to me. I nod.

  “God damnit!” he screams and both men run their hands through their hair. Wow my life has seriously hit Soap Opera standards.

  “Hey can you both step outside and let me finish washing up. Don’t want to turn you off or anything.” I shoot an angry stare right at my best friend. “Then we can talk or figure out why the fuck you both are doing here.”

  They both leave in a rush and shut the bathroom door for me. My heart is beating fast and if I wasn’t in the tub I’d have stress sweat pouring down my face. I wash up quick and get out. I wrap a towel around my mop and a hotel robe around my body. I open the door and walk into the bedroom to find both men. Stacy sitting on the bed peering out the window. I’ve got a fairly decent view from the ninth floor and big Johnathan is leaning against the wall.

  “Ok so who would like to go first?” I ask, nicely. Which is a big surprise to me. I have a craving to be a snarky bitch. They like to bring that out in me. But I decide against it for the greater good of the day. I need at least a few hours without some kind of drama.

  “Keith came to my room and said you were upset with both of us. So I thought I’d come and talk to you.” Stacy says, his body still facing away from me looking out my window.

  “So now you decide to be my best friend again?” I add and here comes the sass.

  “I’ve always been that way Em, I love you. You know that. But I can’t allow you to keep thinking the way you dress especially in the under garments department is acceptable. I’m too honest to allow that.”

  “Yes… But throwing away all of my clothes and other belongings without discussing it with me is a bit harsh. Don’t cha think? I would never do that to you. I am
not a huge fan of the ugly brown leather jacket you insist on wearing every time I see you. But I handle it fine and accept you for who you are because I wouldn’t change you. If you wanted to wear leopard print bikini briefs. I’d still support you and love you. Even if I think they’re ugly or a turn off for most women. It’s what you chose to do and I would support you in all things because I am your best friend. That’s what I am supposed to do. Just like holding your hand through two very screwed up marriages. To two woman I never liked. But I supported you because that’s what I do.“ I finish and tears are pricking my eyes. If I blink they will escape. And they do.

  “I know I was harsh. I get that. But you have to see it from my view.”

  “And what’s that?” I put my hand on my hip. My temperature is rising.

  “You’re an extremely beautiful woman. And I mean extremely. You always have been. I know you don’t see it when you look in the mirror because I know you so well. But I know that’s what men see when they look at you. I am harsh about the clothes because you wear stuff to cover your beauty and not enhance it. I hate that. I always have. I’ve went how many years dealing with loose fitting dresses, granny panties that just keep getting worse? They used to be at least colorful Em, now they are plain white and they used to be from Macy’s now they come from a bag at Walmart. It all keeps getting worse. Makeup used to make you feel beautiful. Which you are without it. But now you never wear it except maybe lip gloss and mascara. Your skirts hang down to your knees or past and you’re tiny. I mean not super skinny because that’s just gross but you’re a sexy size six with a rather plump booty and breasts. Those are the beauty outside of you Em. You hide it so nobody will try to meet and get to know you. You don’t want to be loved or desired. But you don’t know that. You’ve only been with one man in a relationship. There is so much more to be discovered. You have to believe that.” He says and my heart is breaking in two with every word. Crumbling inside of me. It hurts to hear the truth. When people say the truth hurts. They mean it, because it’s like a knife stabbing you over and over.