Stricken Desire

by S. K. Logsdon

  “All forty thousand tickets were sold in five minutes?” I am amazed.

  “Yeah, except like fifty we get to keep for special people or handouts.”

  “How much are the tickets for a venue like this?” I ask realizing I am taking up to much of him important time and James already left.

  “We have four kinds at this venue. So nosebleed are $175 then next step down are $250. The floor is $375 and the VIP which we only have three hundred cost $525. If you want a backstage pass you have to be a VIP and pay an extra $250 to meet the band and we only offer fifty of those.”

  I think my brain just fell out of my head and is rolling across the ground. I can’t believe people actually pay that kind of money to see these guys. That’s nuts. And here I am living in a bus with them, breathing the same air, using the same bathroom and shower and sitting on the same couch. How fucking cool is that?

  “Sorry I guess I didn’t think people were crazy enough to pay that kind of money. Is there anything I can do to help?”

  “Yeah call a hotel and I need to hire some more bodyguards for the next three days we are here.” He says.

  I grab his laptop and call around to three different hotels. The Marriot is the only one in the area to offer us the best accommodations on such short notice with the extra security needed. I book four rooms for three nights the only rooms they had available. All two bedroom suits. Stacy and I can share one and the guys will have to bunk up.

  It’s six thirty by the time I finish up and I am exhausted. I pad over to the fridge grab a bottle of water and go into my clothes drawer fish under all my clothes for my prenatal vitamins, open the bottle, pour one out and shoot it back with a big swig of water. They are large, pink and taste like chalk. I am also on a fish oil supplement for brain development but I take that with dinner. I can’t do it in the morning or the fish oil taste makes me nauseous.

  Stacy comes up the stairs. He left shortly after giving me the orders to for hotel.

  “We’re books for the Marriot they said they can take us now.” I say before he has a chance to talk.

  “Okay great, Brian’s up and is already to go. The cops have corralled the five hundred person mob outside the fence so I think we’re all set to roll.”

  I lounge against the back of the couch. I can’t go back to sleep now. I’m exhausted getting only four hours of sleep last night. I was up way too late in my cave reading another pregnancy book on my e-reader and switching off to read Lover At Last the latest book by one of my favorite authors. The bus is now rolling and Stacy is in the shower. I don’t know how he does it. I’m certain part of my issue is the fact that I am pregnant and craving coffee so bad. I can’t drink it anymore. I’ve had a cup every day for the past six years and I’ve forced myself to go cold turkey off the stuff. Stuck sipping warm decaf green tea infused with peach. It’s not the same on any level and I find myself crankier in the mornings because I can’t have the one staple, the one constant in my life, Coffee. I’m just thankful that no one on this bus drinks it besides me. Most of them are protein shake junkies or milk. I know Johnathan loves chocolate milk. I’ve seen him drink it straight from the jug a hand full of times. It’s kind of sexy to watch. Not that I care or anything.

  The bus pulls into the back of the hotel.

  “Hey babe why aren’t you sleeping?” I hear Stacy ask coming out of the bathroom rubbing a towel in his beautiful dirty blonde hair.

  “We’re here at the hotel and I couldn’t fall back to sleep if I wanted. Should we wake the men or let them get up on their own? Do you think the mob will find us here?”

  “Yes, they probably will. I’m sure there are some here already. Remember, good news travels fast. And yeah I suppose we should wake the men.” He says tossing the towel in the hamper in the bathroom.

  “Do you want me to help? I know they can be a pain sometimes.”

  He turns and looks at Johnathan’s closed bedroom door. I instantly get the hint.

  “Ok I’ll wake him you get the rest of the guys.” I wave to the bunks.

  “You don’t have to babe, I just know the last time I woke him this early he nearly killed me. I’m sure he’d be a little nicer to a woman.”

  I nod “It’s okay.” And get up off the couch in my Pj’s and pad my way to Johnathan’s door. I don’t even bother to knock I just walk right in.

  Shit! What is he doing? I find him sprawled out over the bed thrashing his head back and forth sweat pouring down his face, he’s mumbling something obscene under his breath and kicking his legs forcefully at some invisible threat. He’s defiantly in some serious nightmare. I so didn’t sign up for this. Poor guy! My heart is breaking for him. What do I do? I have to wake him. I’ve never woken anyone from a nightmare except Stacy. His were nothing like that. He just yelled in his sleep there was never any violence or body movements involved.

  I walk over to the edge of the bed his body is thrashing and it’s getting worse. I want to cry for him. I climb on the side furthest from him. Crawling over the bed he thrashes and he nearly kicks me. Close call! Too close.

  “Johnathan.” I whisper moving closer to his face. “Johnathan wake up your having a nightmare.” I’m afraid if I touch him. I might get hit. If I wasn’t pregnant I probably wouldn’t care but the last thing I need to do is lose these babies because of his nightmares.

  “You son of a bitch. Don’t you fucking touch me. No! Why did you do that to her. No. You killed her. No. No. No. I want my mommy. Why? Daddy. Why?” he mumbles through clinched teeth his head thrashing back and forth on his sweat soaked pillow.

  I get in closer pushing my way towards the top of the bed. So his legs can’t reach me.

  “Johnathan.” I push his shoulder gently. “Johnathan you’re having a nightmare. Get up.” I say louder this time. Still nothing.

  “Johnathan!” I screech and push his shoulder.

  His eyes fly open and he darts out of bed frantic and falls onto the floor in front of the door with a giant thud.

  “Emily! Are you okay!” Stacy screams from outside the door trying to get in. He’s panicked.

  “I’m fine Stace. Just leave us be.” I say calmly as to not worry him.

  “Okay. You better be. I’ll be inside with the guys. James will be out here waiting if you need anything.” He says from the other side of the door.

  “Great. Thanks.”

  Johnathan is sitting on the floor rocking back and forth in a giant man ball his eyes are wide and he looks terrified.

  “Johnathan are you okay?” I ask calmly and gently scooting closer to the edge of the bed. He keeps rocking his eyes widen further.

  “Johnathan it’s me Emily. You know? Emily Bronwyn your friend?” I slide off the edge of the bed a few feet from him on the floor. I take it nice and slow. This giant man is terrified and his breathing is loud.

  “Johnathan. It’s me. I promise no one is going to hurt you here. It’s just you and me and everything is going to be alright.” I soothe, inching my way closer. He doesn’t say a thing and is breathing even faster now. His eyes are now closed. Shit! Please don’t say he’s fallen back to sleep. This nightmare might continue on from there. He doesn’t need that. Oh, this poor beautiful frightened man.

  “Johnathan I am going to come over and hug you okay. Don’t be scared. No one is going to hurt you. I will never let anyone hurt you again. It’s Emily. Just please don’t hit me.” I ease in closer.

  I have no idea what the hell you say in these kinds of situations I have no training in this. I feel terrible for him and my stomach is all in knots. Not for myself but because I just realized what Stacy was saying about Johnathan going through a lot of shit in his life and that’s why he is the way he is. And the whole thing about the fact he doesn’t know how to love. Something happened to him and it was bad. I don’t know what. But by the terror on his face and his body language I can’t help but want to help bring him out of this. My heart is breaking just watching this man like this.

  I
sit up on my knees and he’s body is still rocking. He’s hyperventilating. Sweat is pouring off his face. His arms are clasped around his legs in the fetal position.

  “I’m here.” I place my hand on his back gently. I am going to hug him from the side.

  “It’s going to be okay.” I talk slowly and softly. I place my other arm over his so I am touching his chest and I inch my way in closer so my breasts are resting against the top of his left arm.

  “Calm down Johnathan. Calm down. It’s going to be okay.” I soothe, wrapping my arms tighter around him. I press my lips to his temple. One of my hands are holding onto his right side from the back and my left his down across his chest cupping the bottom of his ribs on his other side.

  “Take a deep breath big man. It’s going to be okay.” I say softly my mouth on his temple. He finally responds and takes in a deep breath.

  “That’s good. Now take another one and let it out slowly.”

  He does.

  “Emily?” he huffs in a whisper.

  Oh thank you Jesus he’s back! My heart is pounding. I brought him back! Thank god! He’s going to be alright. I was so scared.

  “Yes, it’s me. You were having a bad dream when I came in to wake you.” I say, my lips still at his temple. Now I’m breathing hard. I guess I didn’t realize I was as freaked out as I was. His hand unclasps from his leg and rubs it on the arm I have wrapped around his chest.

  “Is it really you?”

  “Yes, Johnathan. I’m here I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. You’re safe.” I kiss his sweaty temple. His hand runs up and down my arm. Sparks fly and my heart soars. His touch is amazing. Why do I have to feel this way about him? Shit! Now my heartaches with deep loss. I resist the urge to rub my heart because I don’t want to let him go. I don’t think it’s right yet. He’s still coming out of this nightmare.

  “I had another nightmare a bad one this time. I’m sorry if I scared you.” He says his voice is almost back to normal as is his breathing.

  “I know. I tried to wake you a few times. Are you okay?” I loosen my hold and start to pull away.

  He grabs my arm. “Please just hold me a little longer. Please. I need it.” He begs sadness saturates his voice.

  “Okay.” I retighten my grip around his stomach and I caress his back with my other. Tracing the tight muscles with my fingers. I can feel goose bumps rise on his back and he groans.

  “This feels so nice. I missed you.” He says.

  Cue the butterflies! Even if he is full of shit when it comes to getting me into bed he still has moments like this when I think he’s perfect in some way’s. He has a sweetness at the core of him that I think he tries to hide to be strong and tough. But I can feel it in times like this when he says what he feels. I know he’s not trying to get me into bed now. This is the real man behind the mask and rock star persona.

  “I’m glad you’re okay. Do you want to talk about it?” I instinctively kiss his temple again. He squeezes my forearm and sighs. I think he might have liked that.

  “No, I get these sometimes and I’ve gotten them a lot lately. This one was just worse than the rest. I don’t usually end up sweating.” He says calmly. Which makes me feel so much better. He’s almost back to the sarcastic jerk we all know and love. Okay, I don’t love but others do.

  “Is talking and thrashing part of the norm for you?”

  “I was talking? And thrashing?”

  By the tone in his voice I can tell he didn’t realize that. Maybe he needs to get help for whatever is bothering him.

  “Yeah. A lot.”

  “And you still got onto that bed with me to try and wake me up? Are you crazy?” his tone is sharp.

  “We had an incident this morning at the Verizon center and I got us booked into a hotel instead of the bus so Stacy sent me here to wake you. I didn’t know you were having a nightmare but I wasn’t going to leave you like that. So if climbing into bed with you to wake you from an intense and scary nightmare makes me crazy. Then so be it.” I add sternly and let go of him.

  He turns and looks at me for the first time since yesterday and his face is so sad and his circles around his eyes are worse and now they’re puffy.

  “You look tired short stack how much sleep did you get last night?” he asks nicely. But I feel it dig into my self-esteem. You look tired is usually polite for. ‘You look like shit.’

  I comb my hands through my hair as I stand up and sit my butt on the corner of his bed.

  “I’m sorry I’m not as visually pleasing.” I mutter.

  He frowns deep. “It’s not that and you know it.” He says sitting on the floor his legs straight out in front of him. I didn’t realize but he’s in a pair of red silk boxers and that’s all. When he said he likes silk boxers I guess he wasn’t kidding.

  “No… I don’t know it. And I got three maybe four hours last night. Been up since five. I wondered how you slept through all the screaming. But now I know with that nightmare.”

  “I’m sorry you had to witness that.” He scrubs his hands on his face.

  “It’s not a big deal for me. I just feel bad for you. Maybe you should talk to someone about it. Get some help?” I state gracefully.

  “I’ve been to a hundred different psychiatrists. They can’t fix me. I’ve gone years where I’m fine. Then when I am stressed the nightmares resurface. It’s not that big of a deal. As long as I don’t go off the deep end everything will be just fine.” He stands.

  “It is a big deal. You scared me. I don’t want you to get worse.” I plead.

  “Why do you care Emily? Really? I will be fine.” He leans against the wall, rubbing his hands over his arms like he’s trying to wash something invisible off. He still isn’t fine. Even if he is standing there acting all fine he’s not. I can tell.

  “I care because I’m your friend Johnathan.” I say because I can’t say what I want to. That I’m in love with him or I was. And ‘Oh, by the way I don’t want you to be a head case because you’re going to be a dad soon. To a set of twins!’ If that wouldn’t make his nightmares worse I don’t know what would. This officially tells me I can’t let him know about the babies. I will finish the tour and then bugger off. He won’t have to ever see me again and I will happily ever after in NY or somewhere with my twins and maybe Stacy. Sounds like a good plan to me.

  “I don’t want another friend. I have plenty of them.” He blurts angrily.

  I have no fucking clue how we went to sweet ‘I need you to hold me’ Johnathan. To hard, I’m fine, I don’t like you anymore Johnathan. I hate him like this. I would rather have the other man back in a heartbeat minus the terrifying nightmares.

  “Ok.” I stand. “I’m sorry you had a bad nightmare. I won’t bother you again.” I open the door to leave and he grabs my arm.

  “Thank you Em.” He says with a gentle smile.

  “No prob, just be careful the mob of woman out for your nuts has grown exponentially the past few hours. James will help get you into the Marriot.” I tug out of his grasp leave his room shutting it behind me and tuck some clothes into my luggage.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Hello Ms. Bronwyn. May I help you with your luggage?” James says when I meet him outside the bus my bag in hand.

  I shake my head “No, just wait for Mr. Striker and I will see myself inside. “ I drop my red bag into the ground to roll.

  “I’m not allow to do that ma’am. I am sworn to follow you and protect you.”

  “What? By who? I’m not a rock star James.” I look to him for answers.

  “Stacy and Mr. Striker have both placed your safety as the number one concern. I am only following orders ma’am.” He bends over and picks up my luggage from the ground.

  “But what about Johnathan? We can’t leave him in there alone? What if something happens?” I ask, frantic. I can’t leave him unguarded. I’m not that stupid even if he did just hurt my feelings again.

  “Madam we will have to leave him and I w
ill come back as soon as I see you to your room.”

  “What about the other security Stacy hired?”

  “Those men are at their posts. And I am at mine. You are it. Wherever you go I go ma’am.” He bows.

  “You’re going to leave Johnathan unprotected? You’re not a very good bodyguard if you do that.” I state frustrated and worried.

  “I don’t make the rules madam I just follow them. My duty is to protect you. Mr. Striker has another bodyguard but he’s been assigned to a station out front to keep the crowd from making its way back to the bus. Once he disembarks into the hotels back entrance his guard will leave his post and stand attention in the hotel to protect Mr. Striker. But as of right now ma’am I am doing to job and you are it.” He states rather eloquently. For a bodyguard he is well-spoken.

  “If I stay and wait for him. That means you have to stay right? And you can escort us both in?”

  He nods. “Yes madam if that is what you wish.”

  “What I wish is to go into the hotel by myself but since that’s not going to happen James. I will go back inside and wait for him.”

  I leave my luggage outside with my own personal bodyguard which is ridiculous. James is a handsome man and polite but I don’t need him tailing me everywhere. But it seems I have no say in the matter. Looks like me, Stacy and Mr. Striker will be having a conversation about priorities and I am not it.

  I make my way to the couch and drop down on it. I don’t know how long it’s going to take him to get ready but I am not going to rush him. He just woke up from a nightmare. That would just be cruel to push him to leave if he isn’t ready yet.

  I hear the bathroom door open and Oh my god. Out walks a naked Johnathan with a towel shaking the water out of his hair. Wowzers that ass of his is mighty fine, especially in this lighting.

  “Ah…hem.” I clear my throat.

  He turns around but doesn’t bother to cover up his anaconda.

  “Jesus Emily what are you still doing here?” he says standing showing me his cock and balls in all its full nude, well lit glory. It’s impossible for me not to stare at it. So I don’t even try.