Stricken Desire

by S. K. Logsdon

“It’s getting bad already. I can feel the itch right now to snort and I just did like two hours ago.” He wipes his nose.

  “How much have you been doing?”

  “A line or two every time I get the itch. It’s bad. Yesterday after I got up into the hotel room I did it like six times before the concert last night and twice after and then again this morning with those chicks.” He covers his face with his hands.

  “I am going to wake Stacy we are going to call the best drug rehab in LA and we are going to take you there to get better.” I say, as a matter of fact.

  “I can’t do that. What about the shows? We haven’t even gotten through half of them yet. I don’t want the fans to hate us.”

  “You have no choice.” I blurt. And I want to rub my belly but I can’t. I want to tell him he has to get clean for his babies but in truth he has to get clean for himself so maybe someday if we get past the hating and fighting he can be a dad. If he wants to that is. I would never force him to be. Some men are just not cut out for it.

  I get up “You stay.” I say to him and go into Stacy’s bedroom. He’s out cold in a pair of hideous plaid boxers with a hole on the bottom. See he talks shit about my panties and look at what he’s wearing. Damnit, I don’t have time to worry about that right now I have to cancel this tour. I have to help Johnathan get clean.

  “Stacy wake up” I jiggle the end of the bed. He turns over and rubs his eyes. Wow that was easier than I thought.

  “What? Is everything okay Em? Or could you not wait to talk to tell me about your hot lesbo experience last night?” He asks raising his eyebrow and shooting me a stupid sleepy wink. Only he could make that look hot as fuck so early in the morning. God love him!

  I roll my eyes. “Johnathan is in the living room having a mental break down and he’s back on drugs. We have to cancel part if not all of the tour and get him back into rehab right away.” I state firmly.

  That does it for him. He shoots out of bed throws on a pair of Pajama bottoms and a T shirt. Snatching his cell from his nightstand and his laptop from the floor. And into the living room we go. Johnathan is sitting solemnly against the back of the couch dazed.

  “What are you on now?” he asks standing in front of Johnathan.

  “Coke and a lot of it.” He frowns and rubs his nose.

  “You want more now don’t you?” Stacy asks.

  “Yes. You should know you’ve been there. It’s not easy to kick the shit. I’ve been having those nightmares again. Cokes been helping me forget them when I wake.” He says.

  Woah! Back the fucking truck up. Stacy knows how it is? Since when? I didn’t think he’s ever done a damn drug in his life.

  “Stacy?” I raise my voice staring right at him. He knows what I am talking about. He knows me well enough to know that I don’t know about his little secret.

  Stacy eyes me and looks at Johnathan then back at me again.

  “How do you think I met Johnathan and the others? I was in the rehab with them for sixty days. I was dealing with Kyle and I got addicted to coke and pot for a while. But I had to kick it. So I did the sobering up shit and met up with Johnathan in the support group. We have a few things in common other than that. So we got to talkin’ that shit out when we were in there. Became friends that way” He says. The only other thing would be the parent shit, they’d have in common. Stacy can defiantly relate on that front. His mom was a bitch his whole life until recently.

  “Oh, ok. Well what are we going to do about him?” I nod toward Johnathan.

  “Jesus woman are you going to sainthood? I tell you about all this stuff with Kyle and my feelings you know. And about the drugs and you still love me huh?”

  “Yes, idiot. Even though I’m pissed in some ways that you never told me those things before. I’m glad to know them now. And of course I still love you. You’re my best friend. Who is getting on my last fucking nerve because I want to know what we are going to do about him. I’m very concerned.” I tap my foot on the floor barefoot. So it doesn’t carry the effect I’d like.

  “I will call and cancel up until San Fran. I think he can do the last four shows that’ll give him a good month to clean himself up. If he’s not ready to leave then we can just take him out for those days in between and have him go back afterward. We can’t disappoint Cali folks we have to live there.”

  “Okay sounds good. I will call the rehab clinics with the best security and you take care of the other. And Johnathan I want you to go take a shower, take off those gross clothes they smell like alcohol and then climb into my bed you need some rest.” I instruct decisively.

  Man, I am on the ball today. Worried and heartbroken and scared out of my ever lovin’ mind but I can pull my shit together with the best of them. Yeah me!

  Chapter Twenty Three

  I find a luxury rehab clinic in the outskirts of LA, open and ready to receive Johnathan. We won’t know how long he’ll have to stay but the woman on the phone was inviting and sweet. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact they will have the hottest rocker on the damn planet at their facility. I sign him up to sign in the following day. Which is today. I spent all yesterday working hand in hand with Stacy cleaning up the tour mess. Which of course means we are going to have to give a press release. So I write one up and have James drop it with the local paper to clean up this growing cluster fuck.

  We’re back on the bus now driving toward the airport. We decide to go with on a little further away from DC’s main hub because let’s face it the paps and fan mess would be hard to handle. And apparently the band owns a small jet that I had no clue about. Not that it matters. So we are now flying out of a small airport about forty miles from DC where the jet is taxiing on the runway for us to get there and hop aboard.

  When Stacy and I informed the rest of the band yesterday about the cancelation it went over smoother than I intended. All three of them knew something had been going on with Johnathan for weeks now and surprisingly they were relieved that he is so quick to ask for help. Apparently after a short talk with Stacy admitting you are addicted to a substance is the hardest thing. So Johnathan coming forth and putting it on the line so early in his relapse is commendable from a former junkie’s perspective anyhow. I’ve never done any drugs in my life not even tried pot. So I can’t understand the point of view of a former druggy and to be honest that’s one point of view I can do without. I would hate to spend a year in a facility getting clean like they all had to do one time or another.

  For the past hour the men have been jamming to guitars on the red leather bus couch and in-between songs talking about the good ol’ times when they were high on coke or other drugs of choice. Or maybe not so good times. All of them have been clean for the past four years except for a minor slip up Keith had two years ago when he did some X. Which I guess is short for ecstasy. Hey, give me a break I’m new to this shit. Now all they do is smoke cigs and drink like fishes. But to be honest I’ve seen them drink. They can get down with the best of them but it’s not an everyday thing. Mostly after gigs and occasionally at night they shoot back a beer or two playing halo on the x-box. I wouldn’t call them alcoholics by a long shot. Now Stacy’s mom growing up? She was an alcoholic to the tenfold. And as mean as a Doberman when her veins ran brown with liquor. Who would have thought get being diagnosed with an aggressive form of dementia would bring her down to earth again to heal all those gaping wounds she inflicted on her son at such a young age. We’ve only been back on tour going on four days and he’s already called to check up on her once. What a sweet man!

  “Hey guys pack up were about ten minutes out.” Stacy says coming out of the bathroom with a bag of his toiletries in hand.

  A bunch of groans erupt and the larger than life rockers slide there guitars back into their cases and zip up their suitcases. Johnathan’s been back in his room forcing himself into solitary confinement. I know he feels terrible for doing this to his friends and I’m sure he’s having a hard time coming down from coke. Stacy said
he checked on him this morning and he was sweaty and fidgety all the signs of a junky needing a fix. But since yesterday when he handed Stacy the last of his coke which we all watched it being flushed down the toilet.

  “Do you want me to get him or do you?” I ask Stacy eyeing Johnathan’s closed door.

  “I can but I think he’d rather see you. He came to talk to you yesterday about his problems not me. And that’s not like him.” He says.

  I think Stacy might have felt a little twinge of sadness when he found out Johnathan came to talk to me about his drug relapse and sex with that one woman. Over the weeks what I’ve come to notice is Stacy and Johnathan are rather close. I think closer than any of the other men on the bus. Maybe it’s because they can relate to one another more? I have no idea but they both respect each other and Stacy is straight with Johnathan.

  I walk around Stacy and knock once on Johnathan’s door before opening it.

  Inside he’s lying on his bed on his side in the fetal position his body is pouring with sweat and he’s trembling like he’s cold. My heart instantly sinks. I can’t believe he’s been in here the past few hours enduring this alone. I would have come in. All he had to do was ask. Why didn’t he? Oh yeah I’m a fucking bitch that’s why. Who shoves the fact that I just fucked around with another woman in his face. God I am so horrible!

  “Hi.” He says his teeth chattering his body clinching harder into a big bag.

  “Oh my god big man are you going to be okay?” I ask softly and come to the edge of the bed reach out and push his hair off his forehead. It’s gotten really long the past few weeks.

  “It’s part of detox baby.” He adds with a shiver.

  “We’re almost to the airport. Stacy said to come get you ready to leave.” I caress his sweat soaked cheek.

  “Ok. Thanks.”

  “Do you want me to lay with you?” I ask sweetly.

  His eyes widen happily and he smiles through clinched teeth.

  “Okay I’ll be right back I’ll tell Stacy to come get up when we pull in.” I add and leave the room and find Stacy digging clothes out of his drawer beside our bunks.

  “Stacy, Johnathan is shaking and detoxing badly is this normal?” I ask worried.

  “Yeah. It’s normal for him. He didn’t buy pure coke. Everything he seemed to order is laced with other mixes of drugs. We can’t be sure what else he’s addicted to. Coke doesn’t usually have that affect when you come down so that tells me it’s something else in that drug he’s been snorting up his nose the past week.” He explains. Way calmer than I would have. I’m crawling in my skin over here.

  “Okay.” I swallow hard and run my terrified fingers through my hair.

  “Well I know we are close to the airport but I told him I’d go in and sit with him. Can you please just come get us at the last minute to load us up?”

  “Yeah that’s fine.” He says dumping a bunch of his clothes into his suitcase.

  I turn and go back. Johnathan is still shivering in the fetal position. He smiles when I enter. I go around the opposite side of the bed and climb in behind him. I lay on my side and wrap my arm around him my breasts pressing into his thick muscled back. I tuck my legs around him like we’re spooning and push my cheek to his shoulder blades.

  “I wish you didn’t have to see me like this.” He mumbles. His body is soaking wet.

  “It’s okay.” I soothe and tuck my arm around his torso tighter pressing my body firmer to his.

  “No, it’s really not. You’re not supposed to be like this in front of your soul mate. I should be taking care of you not the other way around. And I am hating myself for it.” He groans and his body quakes hard.

  I can’t say that I think he’s full of shit like I normally would. He doesn’t deserve that right now. I so just hold onto him. Giving him the love he needs even if holding him like this makes my heart ache. Damn even when he’s sweating he smells so good and his skin is so warm in my arms. I love being close to this man. So very much.

  I feel the bus stop and hear a bunch of loud noises from underneath it. They must be unloading the gear to put in the plane.

  “They must be getting ready it’s about time to go.” I whisper sadness cloaking my tone. It’s too soon I don’t want to let him go. He needs me. Okay maybe I need him. But either way we are in need of each other right now.

  “There’s a bedroom on the plane will you hold me there?” he asks like a small child. He’s so fragile like this. His vulnerability is out again. I love the softness but I hate why he’s acting this way. He’s going through all this. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all because of me. If I didn’t do this or that. If I didn’t sleep with him or fall in love with him or treat him like a bitch. He wouldn’t be this way. But I know that can’t all be true. Even though it feels like it. Deep deep down I feel like a bag of dog shit.

  I nod against his back, rubbing my fingers against his shirt covered abs.

  A knock comes at the door and it opens.

  “Hey guys.” Stacy peeks his head in.

  “Hey” I lean up to see him better.

  “We’re ready for you. We’ve got the bedroom all set up. All the luggage is on board all we need is you two.”

  I give Stacy a sad smile “Okay let me get him up and we’ll be there in a minute.”

  He shuts the door and leaves us. And I let go of Johnathan and he sits up. We take our time. He’s wobbly on his feet once he stands. I offer my help but he brushes me off. I think I might have bruised his ego a bit. It take a few minutes but we are out the door, down the steps and into the hot August air. Shit! I forgot to take my vitamin this morning. Oh, well I can’t be worrying about that right now. I’ll survive one day without it.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  We get into the plane D, Price, Keith, Stacy and even James my own personal bodyguard are on board and so is some other guy dressed like James whom I haven’t met yet. I shuffle my feet behind Johnathan walking him to the bed of the plane and into the bedroom. He opens the door wide and it’s a nice room. Full sized bed, creamy linens, tan carpet, a small closet. Rather comfy looking.

  “You lie down and I’ll be right back.” I say and he listens.

  “Don’t be gone long please.” he pleads, desperation saturating each word. My heart drops. This is terrible so terrible. I can’t believe he has been doing this to himself.

  “I won’t” I reassure with give him a sweet loving smile.

  I leave and the plane is just starting to gather speed. I latch onto the wall for stability.

  “Sit your ass down.” D scolds.

  Keith reaches out his hand and grabs hold of my arm. He’s the closest to me and he yanks me into his lap with a quick tug.

  “You’re a crazy woman. Now sit here until we are safely in the air.” He says my butt in his lap. Johnathan would have a fucking cow if he saw us right now. Keith wraps his arms around my waist protectively like I might fly away or something.

  “Stacy I need to get Johnathan something to eat and drink once we’re safely in the air.” I say ignoring the fact that I have a sexy blonde rockers arms secured around my waist and his dick his pressed against my butt. And I think it’s growing. Oh fuck! Yep. Next stop total Bonerville. Shit!

  He wiggles in his seat beneath me. I think he might be trying to get comfortable. As long as he doesn’t try anything we will be fine. I can deal or at least I think I can, with a man’s cock being pressed hard against my ass cheeks in just a pair of thick black jogging pants. I’m so wishing he had jeans on. If he did I wouldn’t been feeling the full-length of his arousal right about now. Damn! I have a junky needing me in the bedroom and a guitarist who’s two seconds away from dry humping my ass. Could my day get any more fucked up?

  The plane rears back and we are ascending into airspace. Keith’s grip tightens and he humps once against my butt. Damnit!

  Three minutes later and we are finally leveling out and I can breathe again.

  “There is food in t
he galley” Stacy informs me pointing his finger to the small closed door.

  I lift off Keith’s lap leaving his boner for him to deal with. I open the small galley door grab a small bottle of water out of the mini fridge and a bag of grapes and pretzels. I make sure to grab a little extra so I can feed these twins growing in me. I haven’t ate since last night before the concert and I am starving. I go back into Johnathan’s room and he’s lying on his side. His shirt is now off and he’s stripped down into his nothing but a pair of navy blue silk boxers.

  “Sorry.” He says when he realizes I am a little taken back by the fact he’s nearly naked. His body even if he looks worn out is beautiful. Hard rippling abs, thick hard pecks, veiny arms, bulging biceps and triceps. The V at his hipbones I’d love nothing more than to run my tongue over. Fuck! Not now! Shut it down greedy whore between my legs! This isn’t about sexy time it’s about taking care of my baby’s daddy. Oh god that sounds stupid. But it’s true.

  “You’re thinking too much again.” He says and pats the bed. “I just took off my clothes because they were soaked. Not because I want to make love to you.” He shoots me a sly smile and shakes his head. “Okay, okay. I do want to but I promise I will be a perfect gentleman.”

  Uh huh! Yeah right!

  I sit next to him my legs hanging over the edge of the bed and dump the contents of the food onto the bed.

  “I thought you should eat. Although you are looking healthier already.” I notice.

  “Must be all this good nursing you give.” He winks and opens a small bag of pretzels. Takes one out and extends his arm. “Open” he instructs placing the salty snack to my lips.

  “No” I shake my head. “Those are for you. I can feed myself. I’m not an invalid you know.” I sass.

  “I know.” He frowns. “But when a man wants to feed the love of his life she lets him.” He growls.

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not the love of your life Johnathan.” I add. Only because I know he’s feeling a little better. For the time being anyhow.