Next to Me

by AnnaLisa Grant

  “No. You hurt me. You lied to me, Landon. How could I ever believe anything you have to tell me?” I say through my tears. I don’t want to cry, but I just can’t seem to stop.

  “Please, Jenna. I’m going to stay out here all night if I have to. After you hear what I have to tell you, you’ll understand.” The door knocks once and I think he’s put his head to it out of fatigue.

  I take a deep breath and calm myself. I’ve been through worse, endured worse. I can handle breaking up with a guy who just broke my heart in the most heinous of ways. I open the door slowly and just look at him. He looks tired, but he did get hit by a car tonight and spent some time in the hospital. His dress shirt is untucked and his sleeves are carelessly rolled up, one longer than the other. His tie is missing altogether.

  “Can I please come in?” he asks carefully.

  “Fine.” I open the door all the way and Landon walks in. There’s blood on his shirt and he notices me eyeing it with concern.

  “I ripped my IV out when they wouldn’t take it out for me. I got here as fast as I could.”

  “Where’s your girlfriend?” Sarcasm drips from me with absolute intention.

  “She’s standing in front of me,” he says. He looks at me with sad, but hopeful eyes.

  “Like hell she is. You lied to me, Landon. You played me, and that poor

  girl. You used all the same moves on both of us. Are there more Mexican-food-loving dancers out there that you’ve got swooning over you?”

  “It’s not like that, Jenna. Sarah is…she’s just part of my job,” he says, trying to explain but failing miserably as far as I’m concerned.

  “Part of your job? Bullshit! She said you two met in a dance class, and that you took her out for Mexican food, just like us.”

  “She just happens to like Mexican food. It’s not that unique.” He has the audacity to look at me with even the smallest amount of condescension so I reach for the door.

  “I’m not doing this, Landon. You need to go,” I say not looking at him.

  “You won’t let me explain,” he argues.

  “You’re not trying to explain! All you’re doing is making excuses!”

  Landon starts to pace around the living room, sighing and breathing heavily. I’m actually kind of concerned about his head trauma and the damage he’s done to his arm by ripping his IV out. It looks all dramatic in the movies but can cause some serious damage to the vein. And I never fully read his chart, so I don’t know if he had a concussion or not. He shouldn’t be getting worked up like this. As a nurse, I want to tell him to sit down before he faints or throws up. As the girl whose heart he just ripped out, I hope he pukes his brains out before fainting and cracking his skull open.

  “Ok. I’m going to tell you what I should have told you weeks ago. I just…I didn’t want to tell you because I knew as soon as I did that I would have to let you go. That you’d have things you would need to focus on and I would just be a distraction.” He takes a deep breath, looks down to collect his thoughts, and then looks at me again. I can see the fear in his eyes and, even though I hate him right now, I can see that he really is afraid of losing me. “It has to do with my job.”

  “I don’t care about your job, Landon. I care about why you were seeing someone else when you were so clear about not being the kind of guy who dated more than one girl at a time. That’s how we began this relationship for crying out loud!” I’m doing my best to stay calm because I don’t want to wake Spring up but I’m afraid if we continue this conversation in the living room it’ll be inevitable. “Follow me.” We walk to my bedroom, which is in the back of the apartment, and close the door.

  “I wasn’t lying. I don’t date more than one woman at a time. Sarah…she was just part of…I was seeing her because…I didn’t…”

  “What? Spit it out!” I demand.

  “I didn’t want you to be her.” His words and facial expression are both cryptic. I can’t read him and I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me.

  “Are you spewing out some commitment-phobic excuse at me? You’re afraid? You don’t want me to be the one?” I stare at him with confusion. I know I didn’t mistake his care and passion for just an attraction. I was certain he was falling in love with. I was sure I was falling in love with him. My anger is turning to sadness and I feel like I might throw up. How could I have been so wrong?

  “No, that’s not it at all. I want you to be the one. I know you’re the one, Jenna. When I said I didn’t want you to be her…I meant that I didn’t want you to be Veronica Matthews.”

  Oh, my God.

  “What…what are you talking about?” I put on my best confused face and take a step back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Who…who is that?”

  “I know it’s you. The dancing…nursing…Chicago. Veronica Matthews from Washington, DC. Your father was a master locksmith before…”

  “He sent you to find me,” I say, giving in to the fact that I’m going to have to run again. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I’ll have to see if Oz can create a new identity for me again. How can I do that without putting him in danger, too?

  “Yes, and he doesn’t want you to be mad.”

  “He doesn’t want me to be mad?” Shock rings through my voice. How

  could Senator Dellinger not want me to be mad? He destroyed my life! “He knows that the circumstances under which you had to leave were upsetting, but he misses you and…” Landon is using a calming tone, like he’s trying to get me to understand Dellinger’s side, but none of what he’s saying is making sense.

  “Wait. He misses me?”

  “Yes. Your father misses you, Jenna.”

  “What?”

  “Your father. He sent me to find you,” Landon says.

  “My father is dead,” I remind him.

  “Your father is alive. He feels terribly about making you believe he was dead, but he wanted me to tell you that it’s safe to come home now.”

  My father is alive? Why wouldn’t he come get me himself, or have Oz come get me? He’s known where I’ve been all along. Oh no! Maybe something’s happened to Oz and he didn’t know how to find me. I haven’t seen anything about Dellinger being dead, so how is it safe to come home? Maybe Dad finally has something on the Senator that will keep him more than an arm’s length away. It doesn’t matter. Dad is alive! Wait. Dad is alive.

  “You’ve known all this time that my father was alive and you kept it from me?” I shout, now not caring who hears me. Landon has had the most life-changing piece of information in the palm of his hand for over a month and he never told me.

  “I’m so sorry. I know, I should have told you sooner. I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you so many times. But, I was already crazy about you when I realized that you were her and I knew as soon as I told you, you’d be making up for all that lost time with him and I’d only be a distraction. I just didn’t

  want to lose you, Jenna,” Landon explains.

  “Why do guys always think that keeping the truth from us is somehow a good thing? You wouldn’t have lost me, Landon, if you had been honest when you first found me. How did you find me?” I ask. Oz was so sure of his ability to create a new life for me and hide me. I chose Chicago, so it’s not like anything Oz has indicates that I’m here.

  “Your father gave me your laptop. I looked through your old high school papers and internet searches. Your med-tech class papers were excellent and you wrote a very convincing paper on why Chicago is the greatest city in the world. When your father told me about your passion for dance, I figured I’d start there once I got here. I must have been to every dance studio in the city, all 192 of them. Your father gave me some old pictures of you. You used to be blonde. I like you as a brunette.” Landon looks at me, waiting for me to respond, but I’m not sure how. I’m torn between being angry with him for lying and keeping the truth of my father being alive, and throwing my arms around him in gratitude for bringing my father back to me.
<
br />   “I don’t know what to say, Landon.”

  “Just tell me you know that I wasn’t cheating on you. I never got close to any of them like I did you,” he says softly.

  “Any of them? How many were there?” I ask, afraid of the answer.

  “There were five over the course of about six months. You and Sarah were the last two. I knew it was you before I even found Sarah. I think I just didn’t want it to be you so badly that I kept searching and following leads,” he explains.

  Five? He dated five women in his quest to find Veronica Matthews?

  “How did you know it was me? I mean, when?”

  “The night you picked the lock. Your father told me he had been a bit of a thug back in the day, and that he taught you everything he knew. Not many women have that party trick up their sleeves.” Landon smirks as I recall that night. He had looked at me with amazement as I jimmied the lock and I just brushed it off. “So, please, Jenna, tell me you understand I wasn’t cheating on you, because…I’m in love with you. And I know you’re in love with me, too.”

  “Landon…” I can’t think clearly.

  “Tell me.” Landon takes a step closer and takes my face in his hands. “Tell me you love me.”

  “You lied to me, and you kept the truth about my father from me.” My voice is small. I’m finding it hard to fight him, even with the truth.

  “I never lied about being drawn to you. And I wasn’t lying when I spent the night taking care of you.” He runs his thumb across my cheek and my body won’t let me be angry with him. “Kissing you was never a lie. Touching you was never a lie.”

  “I don’t know what to think…what to feel right now,” I mumble.

  “Well then let me remind you.” Landon leans in and covers my mouth with his. I don’t respond at first but then, as if by instinct, my lips part and move with his. My hands reach his waist and I find myself grabbing his shirt to pull him closer. His slow, passionate kisses are overwhelming and I’m not sure that I can contain myself.

  I do love him. I’m absolutely in love with him.

  Landon pulls me closer and a shiver runs down my spine as I try to get as close to him as possible. My body responds immediately to his touch and Landon takes quick note of it, moving us to the bed.

  He lays me gently on the bed, positioning himself above me carefully so as not to hurt my leg. I claw at the buttons on his shirt, working my way down until the white cotton is hanging open and giving me the most perfect access to his body. He slips his hands under my shirt and starts to lift it off me. I realize immediately that I’m not wearing a bra and would be completely exposed to him. This seems to wake me from my Landon high, making me aware of the truly terrible timing this would be for our first time together. Landon’s lips brush my neck as he begins to trail kisses from the back of my ear down my throat. My hand holds his as he grips my shirt halfway up my stomach, keeping him from completing his task of beginning to remove my clothes. After a moment Landon stops and stares into my eyes.

  “What is it?” he asks, noticing the obvious change in my intensity. “Am I

  hurting you? Did I hurt your leg?”

  “No…you’re not, I’m fine,” I tell him.

  “Then what? What’s wrong, Jenna?” he asks with concern.

  “I just…I have a lot to process here, Landon. It’s not that I don’t want to do this. It’s just…”

  “No, you’re right. I’m sorry.” Landon moves his body off of mine and lies facing me, propping himself up on his elbow. “I’ve just told you your father is alive and all I’m concerned with is making sure you know how I feel about you.”

  “It’s ok. I’m a pretty willing participant here,” I say with a breathy laugh.

  “I just need you to believe me. I never lied about how I feel about you, Jenna. I love you.” His brown eyes are warm like hot chocolate and all I want to do is dive into them and stay there forever.

  “I do believe you. And…I love you, too,” I say. There’s a flutter in my stomach as the words leave my mouth, followed by a smile on my lips. I reach over and run my fingers through his hair, fixing the bit of a mess I made it only moments ago.

  “That is the greatest thing you have ever said to me.” Landon smiles and relief covers his face. He takes a deep breath before he speaks again. “Well…now that my crazy profession of love isn’t hanging out there like a bad high five, let’s regroup.”

  “Yeah…I feel like I need to stop and regroup now that I’m not completely furious with you. I thought I’d have a ton of questions for you, and I suppose I will, but I realize everything I really want and need to know is going to have to come from my father. I guess all I need to know from you right now is…when can I see him? I mean, are we going back to DC? Is he coming here?” My eyes light up as I think about seeing my father again. Warm memories of my life with him run through my mind and I can’t help but feel a little giddy.

  “You’re so cute.” Landon leans down and kisses me sweetly. I can’t wait for my father to meet Landon in a non-employee way. He really is going to just love him. “He said as soon as I told him I found you that he’d be on the next plane out.”

  “You didn’t contact him before you came over here?” I ask. I would have thought that since Landon’s cover was blown he would have immediately called my father.

  “No. I had to make sure we were good first. I just couldn’t stand the thought…” Landon begins but I cut him off. We’ve been down this path and I just don’t see the sense in travelling it again.

  “It’s ok, Landon. You know, it’s late and we both need to get some sleep. Well, I’m going to try to sleep. My father will be here tomorrow. I’m going to see him again after six years.” Tears begin to sting my eyes. “I wish you had been honest with me from the start, but…you brought him back to me, Landon. My dad was the only family I had left when I lost him. I felt so alone for a really long time. It took years for me to let Mercy and Spring and everyone in even in the smallest ways. They became my family but I’ve always had this little empty place inside because my dad was gone. You changed all that and it makes me love you even more.”

  “It makes me really happy to hear you say that. I guess we’ve got a big day tomorrow. I’m meeting my girlfriend’s father and I’m just a little nervous about that. Oh, my gosh! I’ve never been so happy to have not had sex. I don’t think I could look your father in the eye tomorrow knowing I had seen his daughter naked the night before,” he chuckles.

  “Eww! Aaaand on that note…” I interject.

  “Oooh! Maybe I should play the white knight and tell him we’re waiting

  until we’re married!” Landon says raising his eyebrows at me.

  Married? That’s a pretty bold, off-the-cuff comment for a guy to make. One day I think I could entertain the thought of marrying Landon, just not today. But now that the idea has been planted, I’m sure it’ll pop up when I’m

  least expecting it.

  “Oh, please! My dad was a hooligan on the streets of DC and Maryland long enough to know how the world works. He actually gave me condoms when I started dating at 16. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he also gave them to my dates,” I tell him. My dad was always the most honest man I knew. He did his best to be both father and mother to me. Sometimes it was awkward, but at least you never had to guess where he stood on things, even contraceptives.

  “Ok, now that is eww!” We both laugh and recognize that this is really the end of the conversation. It’s late and there’s not much left to talk about. The emotional roller coaster of the night has left me puffy-eyed and tired. I’m sure I’ll have more questions for Landon in the morning, but for now all I can think about it going to sleep. Getting off the bed, we pull the sheets and blanket back and Landon undresses as he did before and we both crawl in.

  Landon was right that once I knew my father was alive I’d be focused on that. What Landon underestimated was how much a part of my life he already is. There’s no way I can reunite with my fa
ther without Landon by my side. I’ve been building my life and really living, just like my father wanted, especially over the last month with Landon. I’ll never be Veronica Matthews again, but I have my father back and I know that I’ll have an amazing future as Jenna Rockwell. That amazing life starts right now as I lay here in the arms of the man I love completely.

  Chapter 10

  It’s 8:30 am when I wake up and find myself still wrapped in Landon’s arms. A smile spreads across my face as I realize just how perfect my life is right now. I’m lying in the strong arms of the man I love, and today I’m going to replace the last, terrible memory I have of my father. Today I’ll throw my arms around my dad and tell him how much I love him and have missed him. I’ll tell him all about nursing school and Spring and Mercy and everyone. I’ll tell him how I’ve kept up with my dancing, and how I’ve been doing my best to live a full life like he told me to.

  I move so I can look at Landon fully and realize that I’ll also yell at my father for going to such extremes to find me when he could have just asked Oz. I’m reminded of the frightening thought I had last night and consider that something may have happened to Oz and that’s why Dad hired Landon. He wouldn’t have had the money to do that before, but maybe Oz provided the finances in some fashion. I don’t want to think about that.

  I have so many questions for my father. Why did he wait six years to find me? What deal does he have with Dellinger that is allowing him to do all this? What happened that night when I left him under that tree in Constitution Gardens?

  I think about all the things I want to tell him about my life here and hope that he’s going to be proud of all that I’ve accomplished. I find I’m also a little sad, too, because I know I can never go back to being his daughter…I can never be his Ronnie again. Veronica Matthews died the same day I thought he did, but I think Jenna Rockwell is pretty great and I hope Dad loves her just as much.

  I get out of bed and quietly go to the kitchen. I can hear Spring making coffee and I want to apologize for the disturbance last night. I find her still in her PJ’s fiddling with the coffee maker. Afraid she’s going to make us suffer her lack of coffee-making skills, I intervene before she gets too far.